Page 3 | To think if you grew up with shouty/abusive parents, it screws you up mentally

Lemonadelime · 2024-08-12T05:59:43+00:00

As above. I grew up with parents who were extremely shouty. But the worst thing was my narcissistic mother. She had me quite young (very early 20s), and made me feel INCREDIBLY guilty about this. I’m quite successful in a creative industry (won National awards, scholarships at uni), and she would bring me down every time she attended an event associated with said discipline. At one (finals of a nationally regarded competition), she absolutely blasted me saying I did terribly, how am I smiling, how could I possibly show my face after such disaster?! I had made the bloody FINALS of a NATIONAL contest (3 people selected) and she had the audacity to say that? The following day, she screamed at me to quit this discipline, that I’m a failure and should be so ashamed. Followed by a “if I trained in your discipline, I’d be the best in the world by now”. Which then led to “I wish you’d just disappear, because it’s shameful calling you my offspring”. Seriously, what sort of --fucking parent-- says that to their own child (I was 17 or so at the time). Thankfully I went abroad to an Oxbridge/Ivy League equivalent uni for said discipline (Top 3 in the world), with a scholarship and even then she managed to berate the hell out of me! Growing up, all my friends would love buying Mother’s Day gifts/cards for their DM. Things like “worlds best mum” “love you mum” etc. I used to think they were joking!!!! It’s seriously impacted my life, I’ve been on AD’s for years. I look back on my childhood with so much resentment, it’s crazy. I love my children and would never subject them to anything like the above. Anybody else grew up with an abusive/shouty parent?

Original poster

Lemonadelime · 12/08/2024 08:01

Laundryliar · 12/08/2024 07:46

This. Theres a massive difference between parents shouting/raising their voice because theyve told the kids to put their shoes on twice now and they're still parked in front of the telly? And delivering a tirade of nastiness, which is what you got OP.

I always get annoyed by people putting 'shouting/abuse' as if they are one and the same, they arent.
I mean mum shouting up the stairs for kids to come collect their clean laundry? Or shouting 'stop that!' when their two early teens are whacking each other? Is not abuse.

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Argh, I was actually trying to change the title of this post but it was too late! Anyway, I agree shouting and abuse aren’t the same. But always being shouted abusive insults somehow made it 100x worse? I don't know, maybe it’s the volume and threatening nature of it all? Being shouted at definitely affected my self esteem, I find it so difficult to speak up now. Who knows if it’s from the actual shouting part or the abuse though ☹️

OP posts:

Thisbastardcomputer · 12/08/2024 07:57

My Dad was lovely, my Mum was awful. He spent the majority of his time at work but understandable with 4 children and a single income.

She shouted constantly and could nag for England and nothing we did was right. Most of the nagging was about money.

I made my mind up I'd never nag and I'd earn my own money and live within my means. This is what I've done, I'm happy and content and not at all affected by my childhood.

Willmafrockfit · 12/08/2024 07:48

absolutely it will affect you
i would have as little as possible to do with her in your shoes

Laundryliar · 12/08/2024 07:46

Arrivapercy · 12/08/2024 07:17

It sounds like it isn't the shoutiness it's what she actually said & lack of pride in your achievements.

My parents were very shouty - we were a bigger family and raised voices were common, plus they were both naturally impatient people so if you didn't jump to it the shouting started promptly. As a young child i got my bum smacked if u was naughty, everyone i knew did! It was not hard & you knew when it was coming because you knew you'd done something deliberately bad! They would never ever have said anything like your parents did. I've grown up happy, secure and resilient with great relationships with my parents and siblings.

This. Theres a massive difference between parents shouting/raising their voice because theyve told the kids to put their shoes on twice now and they're still parked in front of the telly? And delivering a tirade of nastiness, which is what you got OP.

I always get annoyed by people putting 'shouting/abuse' as if they are one and the same, they arent.
I mean mum shouting up the stairs for kids to come collect their clean laundry? Or shouting 'stop that!' when their two early teens are whacking each other? Is not abuse.

Original poster

Lemonadelime · 12/08/2024 07:42

PonyPatter44 · 12/08/2024 07:25

I'm planning my wedding at the moment, and it struck me over the weekend that my mum has never said anything nice about me- except that I'm clever. She never says I'm pretty, or something about me looks nice. She has occasionally complimented my clothes, if I'm wearing something unflattering that came from matalan or whatever. My dad was the same, he never praised me or complimented me about anything. Even at my first wedding, his speech was all about how clever I was (I'm not terribly clever!), but what a disappointment I was.

It stays with you all your life.

Oh man, I totally get what you mean when you said your mother had never complimented you. It really affects you doesn’t it, completely agree it stays with you forever. Sorry you had this experience as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemonadelime · 12/08/2024 07:39

AmusedMaker · 12/08/2024 07:33

Well done on your achievements op, you sound amazing, & so strong to have carried on despite your mother trying to destroy you.
There Isn’t anything you can do to change your past, ( I had an abusive upbringing ) but I was determined not to be anything like my Mother, & thankfully I’m not. That’s all I could do? and somehow, somewhere, trying to understand her. Maybe she’d been abused? who knows?
But it was a long time ago now and I barely think about her now.

You sound really lovely op and the kind of daughter I’d be bursting with pride over.
And your children have a wonderful Mother in you.
never forget that.

Thank you for your kind message. Well done to yourself too, this journey is so hard. Especially when you’ve grown up in this crap environment, it’s VERY difficult to not project it onto your own children. Couldn’t agree more about trying to understand where it’s coming from- especially the bit about them being abused by their own parents. Thanks for sharing your experience :)

OP posts:

Cattyisbatty · 12/08/2024 07:33

Surely it’s what she said though, shouting to put your shoes on/tidy your room or getting irritated )usual parenting stuff) is not going to cause major mental health issues in later life.

She massively belittled your achievements-I should imagine from early childhood as well - of course that’s going to affect you.
I massively compliment my DCs (adults now) as I didn’t get much of it as a child, but I don’t ‘lie’ so they know I mean it (if that makes sense).

AmusedMaker · 12/08/2024 07:33

Well done on your achievements op, you sound amazing, & so strong to have carried on despite your mother trying to destroy you.
There Isn’t anything you can do to change your past, ( I had an abusive upbringing ) but I was determined not to be anything like my Mother, & thankfully I’m not. That’s all I could do? and somehow, somewhere, trying to understand her. Maybe she’d been abused? who knows?
But it was a long time ago now and I barely think about her now.

You sound really lovely op and the kind of daughter I’d be bursting with pride over.
And your children have a wonderful Mother in you.
never forget that.

PonyPatter44 · 12/08/2024 07:25

I'm planning my wedding at the moment, and it struck me over the weekend that my mum has never said anything nice about me- except that I'm clever. She never says I'm pretty, or something about me looks nice. She has occasionally complimented my clothes, if I'm wearing something unflattering that came from matalan or whatever. My dad was the same, he never praised me or complimented me about anything. Even at my first wedding, his speech was all about how clever I was (I'm not terribly clever!), but what a disappointment I was.

It stays with you all your life.

Haveanaiceday · 12/08/2024 07:24

Yes shouting is not ideal, but shouty but otherwise loving parents would only screw you up the normal amount that any parents would. It's the abusive narcissistic part that has the devastating effect on your mental health.

Arrivapercy · 12/08/2024 07:17

It sounds like it isn't the shoutiness it's what she actually said & lack of pride in your achievements.

My parents were very shouty - we were a bigger family and raised voices were common, plus they were both naturally impatient people so if you didn't jump to it the shouting started promptly. As a young child i got my bum smacked if u was naughty, everyone i knew did! It was not hard & you knew when it was coming because you knew you'd done something deliberately bad! They would never ever have said anything like your parents did. I've grown up happy, secure and resilient with great relationships with my parents and siblings.

timetodecide2345 · 12/08/2024 07:10

Just to add the home life affected my older brother significantly and he killed himself a few years ago but i managed to not internalise it ( somehow I don't know).

timetodecide2345 · 12/08/2024 07:08

I did but they are both dead now and I have two girls. I just try my hardest not to replicate that home life. I married a very calm non shouty man but unfortunately anger and shoutiness is something I have to manage in myself. My girls seem calm though and don't get riled up thankfully so I think I've succeeded not to infect them.