To think if you grew up with shouty/abusive parents, it screws you up mentally

The way your parents treat you as a child, literally affects the way your brain develops. Having a shouty parent is one thing, it’s the lack of love and security, being constantly made to feel that there is nowhere safe and that you are a sub standard human being, that’s what causes the damage. I’m sorry OP, my Mum was the same. She’s extremely manipulative and everything has to show her in a good light, regardless of the damage it does.
As an adult, it’s easy to see and avoid people like this. As a child it’s imprinted on your brain that abuse is normal. I don’t think it’s impossible to undo but I think it takes a lot of time and effort.

She is bitterly jealous of you. At best you might be able to feel sorry for her - she clearly feels she’s hasn’t achieved what she deserved. But also you don’t need people like this in your life. She needs therapy to deal with her own issues and you probably do too to help you step away from her in a way that suits you

It's quite difficult for people who haven't been on the end of this to understand. Most people have had an experience of a parent shouting at them or losing control over lost items/messy bedrooms/teenage back chat. Parents are not perfect they snap occasionally. People think this what you're talking about when you try and explain. But this is on a different level. It's the intensity of anger, vitriolic is a good description. But it's also very very personally directed, deeply directed at you. Not the lost item or messy room or general frustration but you. You are made to feel lesser, not good enough or a failure. And yes it can fuck you up. I've had several extended periods of therapy, a really positive long term relationship and a concerted effort to parent differently. It's taken an achingly long time, with incremental improvements, but I no longer feel responsible or a bad person. Big strength to all those on the journey 💪

i don’t want to sound like I’m preaching but get into therapy now. Somewhere inside there’s an inner child who’s shell shocked and running on a hyper alert mode. You won’t even realise this because you’ve only ever felt this way so it’s your normal. If you don’t let your inner child heal you will wind up with chronic fatigue, insomnia, adhd and a variety of other psychosomatic illnesses (don’t ask me how I know 🙄)

My mother was...quite awful, really, in many ways.

On the milder side, she never praised achievements if she didn't think the subject was 'worthy', she never told me I was pretty/clever/nice to be around, and certainly didn't instil any thoughts of being capable of a good career. So I grew up with (and still have, in some areas) cripplingly low self-esteem.

On the more unpleasant side- she beat me about the head and shoulders as I crouched on the floor, at least twice that I can remember, for minor reasons (being 5 minutes late home was one misdemeanour). She repeatedly tried to encourage me to 'forgive' my sexually abusive oldest brother, and used me as a sounding board for how terribly he treated her.

She divorced my Dad when I was 10 and spent the rest of her life saying really horrible things about him.

All while telling me loudly what a great mother she was.

So yes, it does screw you up mentally. I've never had a career. My dearest wish was to have a loving ,'normal' family home. I've divorced twice because I chose poorly twice, but I have two amazing and wonderful children who are my greatest joy, but I think I could have done something great in a career too.

What I do have, in spades, is resilience. So nothing knocks me back for long.

My uncle never raised his voice. He was controlled, calm and cruel, and absolutely terrifying, because you knew whatever he did and said, there was no heat of the moment, it was deliberate and premeditated. He was a nasty bastard and I'd take my shouty mum over him all day every day. However, abuse can take many forms and be loud or quiet. It's the words, intention and impact that matters and your mum was clearly abusive to you.

Im sorry for everyone here that had a parent like that. Im really sorry.

Both my parents had serious anger management issues and yelled pretty much non stop when we were kids. Tbh, the main effect that has had on me is that I’m unmoved by shouting- it’s just noise- and other people being angry doesn’t trouble me a huge amount either. It was the vicious stuff my mum came out with that had an impact. She could be horrible, and that has definitely helped shape me.

Oh I was late to the thread and see others have already said this.. fear does indeed leave a mark. Well said.

Totally agree, there's a difference between a shouted instruction to stop pulling your brother's hair and being bawled/screamed at aggressively. My mum did this to me and siblings from a very young age and when you're tiny it's terrifying and puts you straight into fight or flight mode. Definitely abusive.

Even now when I visit my parents it feels like the whole place is littered with egg shells .
A glass without a coaster
Going up the stairs the wrong way,
Doing something totally normal being undermined ' I hope you don't do that at work'

I'm politely and firmly lowish contact, I don't volunteer stuff, so it can't be reversed and I mostly stick to the weather and her neighbours health.

@Blondiebeachbabe 😳 That's awful for your DH

I think some people are amazing for surviving abuse like that and coming out relatively okay.

@Lemonadelime Yes I hear you and experienced similar and it affected my life, too. Mother's Day in particular is really tough. I have to take a deep breath around those cards like "Mum you're my best friend" or 'Mum you're always there for me".

I have worked a lot on this, there are lots of good resources out there that can help lessen that past pain and boost your self esteem and help you 'reparent' yourself as an adult and fill that painful void.

If you're interested, look up "ACON" (Adult Children Of Narcissist) and 2 great books by Lindsey Graham:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

And my DH experienced very similar. Quite a well off family, and from the outside all looked good with the big house and nice holidays, but in reality his parents argued non stop, and his mother regularly punched him in the face, for the smallest of misdemeanours, such as taking a biscuit without asking!

Yes, my F was like that, aggressive, nasty, controlling, constantly threatening. I saw how my dm was treated. Basically a life of domestic drudgery with no way out. Growing up in fear leaves its mark. His resentment of my place at university was evident every day. He did everything he could to prevent it.

I've succeeded. Decent career, nice home, wonderful son.

But I will never trust a man. I'll never tie myself legally to a man or risk a shared mortgage. The ability to leave at little notice is essential to my peace of mind.

Abuse leaves deep scars.

@Lemonadelime I just knew when I read what you’ve written that you “get it” because you’ve been through it. And yes to thinking they could explode! So accurate!

Yes, I grew up in a very shouty household. My Dad never hit my Mum, but he constantly threatened to. He would often punch the walls, throw objects across the room, smash plates and glasses. My Mum argued back, but most of the arguments were started by him. He isn't like this anymore, as he's frail and elderly. Me and my sibling do everything for him, but it still rankles all these years later. I knew we were loved though. As mad as that sounds. We were treated well despite the arguments.

I had a similar upbringing but it was my father who was the abusive one. The horrible things that were said, the nice things that were not said, the manipulation, the control.

But honestly, if he hadn’t been shouty, I don’t think I would have been even half as affected by it as I am. I must say that “shouty” doesn’t adequately describe what it was like, it was more akin to an extremely aggressive threat of violence, I honestly thought at times (when I was small) that I would die from the terror of it. If I speak to people now who remind me of him I have a completely involuntary meltdown (can’t breathe, can’t think, crying, shaking, palpitations).

Then of course even once I’d grown up I was conditioned to be extremely scared of him and his “shouting”. I still get nervous being in a room with him now, even though he is old and infirm now (I make sure this is only ever fleetingly and I hover in the doorway so I can get out easily).

I have, over the years, come to view him as not a full human. He looks like one, can mimic one in public, but has something fundamental missing that make him utterly incapable of empathy, and exquisitely adept at hurting. This is not to let him off the hook but to remind myself that I didn’t deserve what I went through, it wasn’t my fault and in fact was never based on my actions, but was a result of his defective personality.

I don’t know if it was the same for you with your mum @Lemonadelime but the shouting was so damaging. More like spitting poison, like a complete loss of control. Subconscious fear and shame and anger and jealousy that bubbled over and made them demonic.

All that sounds like hyperbole but I’m really trying to explain what it felt like as a child growing up with that malevolent threat there all the time at home, in the place where you are supposed to feel safe from one of the few people you are supposed to feel safe with.

This is so different from a parent who gets a bit frustrated when their kids don’t hop to when they’re rushing out the door and says at the top of their voice “get your shoes on - we’re going NOW and I’ve had enough of repeating myself!”. There is just no comparison.

Shouting is destructive, you are right OP. My kids’ dad has autism and poor emotional regulation and shouts at them daily when he’s with them. It’s really badly affected them both, internalized guilt, shame, low self esteem and hypersensitivity to threat and rejection. Even though he otherwise loves them.

I’ll never forgive him for it.

Even at my first wedding, his speech was all about how clever I was (I'm not terribly clever!), but what a disappointment I was

What a bastard! I never let my Dad give a speech at my wedding as I knew he would do this.

OP, I am so sorry about your awful abusive Mother. Agree with PPs you are an amazingly talented and successful person who has focused, worked hard and achieved! Well done to you! : )

I hate how the word narcissism is thrown about online, but the whole "if I did what you did I would be the best in the world" sounds like Trump! If she wasn't so bloody awful to you that comment would almost be funny.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. Childhood experiences like yours do have a long term effect. I hope you are able to see this is all on her and you sound like you have achieved some amazing things at a very young age.