To think if you grew up with shouty/abusive parents, it screws you up mentally

I dont agree that a shouty parent automatically means your doomed for life - i grew up with pretty shouty parents, but they loved me, told me they did, and never once was discouraging - they shouted for me to try better etc. Sounds like your mum was awful tho. Im not a shouty parent - but i have been known to shout a bit here and there - my children absolutely know i love them and im not abusive because i shout - there is only so many times i can say brush your teeth before losing the will to live

@bombastix Thanks so much. It's a such a simple but lovely statement. Has helped me hold in to something in what has been a very trying week.

Reading through these posts has given me plenty to talk about with my therapist next week.

My motivation as a parent is not repeating the same mistakes. Listening to my child. Keeping appropriate boundaries. Treating them in an age appropriate manner, understanding that they can only have child emotions and I have to have adult emotions. Letting them be themselves, follow their own path… and understanding that my role is as a supporter and advisor, not a dictator.

Love is an action, isn’t it? Not much good to claim it but not show it. Children remember what you did, not what you claim.

Same.

Raging, explosive, apoplectic temper. He had wild hair, yellow bugling eyes and would tap dance on the spot with fury. I am an only child so his poison was undiluted.

My mum was terrified of him too. I used to stick up for her.

I remember, once, when I was at university, he was passing through my uni town and stopped to take me out to lunch. I had to go and throw up in the ladies' loos, such was my utter terror of being around him.

He died young of alcoholism so it ended when I was in my late twenties. I went into therapy to deal with it all.

Despite all the therapy - and he's been dead for decades- it left me with a legacy of fear around anyone's anger. It plunges me, straight away, into that same state of terror.

I knew my family was odd. Not right. Determined that I would rewrite the end of my story. I am a hands-on, loving mum of adult daughters and we are very close. But I married a shouty, hot-headed man. I didn't realise it when I married him (young). He's got worse over the years (grumpy old man/ gammon now) but nothing at all like my Dad.

It does irreversible harm. No doubt.

No. But I have met a lot of people who did. With PTSD.

Shouting, angry narcissistic parents blight people’s entire lives. This is why no or low contact is a thing.

"Cylce breakers like us" is such a wonderful way to phrase it. The trauma stops with you and doesn't carry on to the next generation. The only way to correct such horrible experiences.

Growing up, all my friends would love buying Mother’s Day gifts/cards for their DM. Things like “worlds best mum” “love you mum” etc.
I used to think they were joking!!!!

I was in my 30s when I realised that other people’s mothers were a source of succour to them.

The older I get the more I see how having an unpredictable, intentionally hurtful mother has impacted me.

Thank you for starting this post, OP. Growing up in an abusive household leaves such big scars that others find so difficult to understand. My mother kicked me, called me a slut, encouraged me to drink underage, ridiculed me if I showed interest in school, despite this, I made it out and have a career. No idea how sometimes. We had police at the door frequently, she was always in the pub at the weekends so much so that I can’t remember ever doing a weekend activity with her. Remembering being woke up in bed by a policeman searching the house. I never knew my father, I still feel I can’t ask about him and I’m in my 40s. I am a mum now and my children never see me drunk, never come downstairs to find random drunks in their living room, never have to clean up drug paraphernalia so their siblings don’t get hurt. It is a lot OP, but cycle breakers like us although it is tiring are very strong. Big hug.

Now my mum is dead and I've cut my sister off life is so much more peaceful.

My sister turned out just like our mother is that all she does is scream and shout and argue and swear and name call and belittle and escalate every disagreement.

Now I live life with no one screaming at me and calling me a bitch, bastard or cunt for absolutely nothing anymore.

It does mess you up. When you realise that it is so abnormal and your default response is to go crazy for nothing yourself too.

One example I'll give you is that when i was a a young 20s my mum went to bed earlier than normal. I hadn't realised she was gone for the night and thought she was coming back.

I went upstairs to bed leaving the lights and TV on as i thought she was coming back. I had to up for work early.

Mum got up to the loo most nights and I was awoken by her screaming at the top of her lungs. She was like a woman possessed. She was literally screaming OH NOOOO! YOUVE LEFT THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON YOU LAZY LITTLE FUCKING BITCH.

She then got up at 6am (slightly earlier than me) went down stairs and realised the TV was on too and charged around screaming the TV TOO YOU LAZY BITCH...

I walked out the front door to work ignoring her and I texted her later saying that was the first time I had ever done that, I didn't realise she'd gone to bed and I don't think I deserved to be woken up at 3am then 6am by her screaming and swearing at me. For perspective I left the lights on, I hadn't killed someone

Now she is dead I am no longer screamed at and spoken to like this because she always did it whether I lived there or not.

My parents were like that but as an adult i have limited contact and rarely think about it whatsoever

I dont sit blaming them for anything, they had their own issues - they are humans not gods

Childhood absolutely shapes people, and parents play a huge part in that. One thing that surprised me most about growing up was realising that parents were just regular people; flawed and don't magically change when they have children (unfortunately). I think more people recognise negative behaviours and cycles are starting to break.

@CantDecideAUsename Absolutely xx

@XitStratagy I think we share the same type of parent! I'm currently lessening contact gradually. I don't share info either as it gets twisted whatever.

I'm sorry you were abused.

I know how you feel when others are gushing over their mums or mums are gushing over their DCs.

It's so alien to me.

I try to rectify those mistakes with my own dc but it's hard when you have no role models.

@PonyPatter44 This brings back so many unfortunately bad memories. I was waiting to walk down the aisle and was told "I don't know why you chose that dress" ....

@MabelMoo23 it also depends what you say though. Do you call them names, mock them, tell them they've ruined your life and wish they hadn't been born? That's the kind of thing my mum used to say. Also lots of martyr talk 'I spend every last penny on you and nothing for myself and you've lost your xxx' or whatever. This would be followed by silent treatment.
Also, you can change. There are lots of books out there on effective behaviour management to give you other strategies for the kids, and also books for you to help you manage your emotions.

I’m a shouty Mum and I despise myself for it. I’ve just shouted at my pair because one hit the other and the other then started winding the other one up. I struggle with how relentless they are, and I get frustrated then shouty.

but I hate myself. I always always say sorry but actually I know shouldn’t do it in the first place and I love them both so much and am so proud of them. But I’m heartbroken reading how it made you all feel

My mother used to shout abuse too, OP. Her specialisms for me included selfish bitch, nasty piece of work, slag. When I was a child/teenager. It's weird though as she also used to 'love bomb' me with compliments and tell me how I was so clever, hardworking, pretty, popular etc. I never felt like I was good enough. I think she was happy if I did the things she wanted and would celebrate those achievements but if did something wrong I'd get the shouting. I used to take deep breaths and try to calmly explain my point of view and she'd just go nuts, slamming doors, screaming.
I've cut contact with her this weekend. I've said for years that I couldn't because of this reason or that, but I just did it off the the back of something minor. It's like it suddenly became clear to me how much better my life would be without her. Still early days but hopefully on a path to something better.
Can you limit contact in any way?

Well, OP, my mother was a narcissist, father military, both emotionally abusive, Communist country.
I never had any children, was extremely strong
to make a good life for myself, but what to say.
This stays with you all your life, whatever you try.
Particularly the upbringing of my generation was destructive.
My step sister in a mental health asylum, cousin commited suicide.
I help myself by hating my parents and
our so called "silent generation", who were absolute bastards.Trying not to hate myself at 45.
Dire, hard.
☹️

My father was a rear gunner in Lancaster bombers during WW2. He did two tours of duty, with each one being forty raids each. He came back with a halo of terrifying anger and I was very frightened of him. My mother used to say "He doesn't mean it, dear". The concept of PTSD was unknown then. He died of a heart attack when I was ten. I was relieved.
I have inherited his clever mind and courage. If people raise their voices to me now, I challenge them in a calm manner. If they continue to do so, I walk away.

My sister and I have coped very differently with the childhood we had. I was also much less affected by it when I was younger than her but have struggled with it more as I age.

I'm a completely different mother to the one that I grew up with.

As a result, I have a much better relationship with my daughter.