Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

No one really knows what goes on in private within a relationship. Should people stay in an unhappy relationship to suit people who aren't in that relationship? I can't see the point. They've all moved on, you are the one stuck in a rut.

@Boilinghotlady The SIL will see you've not contacted her and will fully believe that you've sided with her cheating ex!

Does DH want a relationship with his new niece or nephew?

All you'll achieve by being hostile/not engaging with BIL's new partner is a breakdown in your relationship with him and a lack of relationship for you (and your children, if you have any) with their new baby. Where is the value??

You've already severed ties with his ex-wife anyway.

At the end of the day, BIL could be together with his new partner for the rest of his life. Yes, the first year might be a rocky intro for yourself and the rest of your family, but ultimately it will fade and become the norm.

You don't know what's gone on in either relationship tbh, nobody does except those involved. You can waste your efforts judging him/her on what you think they've done, or just get on with your life and be civil when you need to be. Or, if you or DH are really not arsed about maintaining contact with his brother then just move on and don't give them a second thought

If you really cared for ex SIL then you can try to rebuild that relationship with her

Bad divorce or not I really couldn't imagine abandoning my SIL and her children after they have been so brutally thrown aside.

What a family!

MIL & FIL have forgotten all about the mother of. their grandchildren? Nice.

That could also be said about op, you haven’t text her in a year, so sounds like you have forgotten her too.

I doubt you really know what you’re in laws think and feel.

Perhaps MIL/FIL are trying to accept BIL choices, especially if they are soon to be grandparents again - doesn't mean they have 'forgotten' about their ex DIL. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage. OW didn't hold a gun to his head.

Yep, basically that.

It will be very difficult to build a relationship with this new and completely innocent family member while demonstrating disapproval of the parents

You know it’s not the law that people have to be close with cousins or nephews and nieces, right? Sending a birthday card with a tenner in it is pretty much all that’s required.

Plenty of people just have a passing acquaintance with relatives. We see one side’s cousins for maybe a couple of hours a year. No falling out, we just live far apart, have little in common, briefly overlap at Christmas visits to grandparents to swap presents.

The BIL and the OW and their child don’t have to be an integral part of OP’s family. I’d be more concerned about the nephews/nieces they already have.

I think what's happening now is just a little flurry of moral outrage that in time you'll all get over. With this in mind, I'd keep any gestures to quiet avoidance rather than big stances that may be hard to get past when you decide you don't want the drama anymore.

That. There's an incredible amount of judgment and spite on this thread. So many people encouraging OP to throw away their extended family relationships for the rest of time, over something that is, basically, none of her business.

Yes, BIL behaved badly, and and new SIL fairly badly, but not as much as him. Sounds like the original SIL didn't cover herself in glory throughout the divorce either.
Of course BIL's parents haven't walked away from him, who on this thread would walk away from their child over this? They have no option but to accept the new woman in his life, especially now that she's carrying their grandchild. They are attempting to keep their family intact.

Bearing your own grudge for the rest of your life is no way to live, and it's not helping your DH either. It's his family, and he needs to be talking to them, rather than listening to you encouraging him to avoid his own brother, and the nephew or niece that is on the way.

My friend was the OW and boy was it messy. However roll forward the years and she's part of the family, all the usual celebrations, attended step children's weddings and now Granny to her husband's grandchildren. It happens.

You never know what goes on behind close doors in someone’s relationship

so whilst you don’t have to judge or approve I just make pleasantries and you don’t have to be best friends

You're not distancing yourself because you're on #TeamSIL as you haven't supported her through this awful time. So you're just taking a moral stand - and seemingly against new SIL rather than the person who did the real betrayal, BIL. Which all feels pretty judgemental. Families change, shit happens, get over it. The kids need you, support them, be an adult and learn to live with BIL's mistakes.

I just wonder how practical that is though. New SiL is about to bring another nephew/neice/cousin into the family. It will be very difficult to build a relationship with this new and completely innocent family member while demonstrating disapproval of the parents. I honestly think there's a time and place for adults indulging in this type of moral outrage, and where children are involved, isn't it.
OP doesn't need to go out of her way to invite them for dinner or go shopping with new SiL at the weekend, but I don't see how it would be remotely possible to respond to the woman's conversation and attempts to engage (assuming she makes them) with 'grey rock' without causing a bad atmosphere that will impact the children.

difficult times are difficult for everyone in the family. I guess you have families that stick together through difficult times and families who judge each other and fall out

The brother in law won’t be guilt free for sure. Nobody knows what actually goes on in other peoples relationships and the real reasons for separation

My point is that if you were truly happy, you would not have gone from a crush to having an affair, did anyone blame the crush for your cheating? The person cheated on could be really happy in their relationship I would never have any suspicion that there was any wrong doing on their part, Its all down to the person that cheated. I would hate to be in a relationship where I was living a lie.

I love my husband and have had a crush on someone the difference is that I have never acted on it.

If my husband was to have an affair, he would be at fault and all blame would be on him. Not his affair partner, he can control his actions and not others.

I also hate to see the misogyny for the OW she is a tart etc, woman blame other woman and not the men that they are married to, the she knew, she seduced him, she gave him the come on.....

@5128gap that’s exactly what I said re conflict. The op doesn’t have to be welcoming , I would just v civil and not engage very much . Keep a distance .

There's not a finite amount of blame and the op has been clear she thinks badly if both of them. There have been dozens of threads on this topic and it's clear opinion is divided but the idea that happy people don't cheat or that the cheated on partner is somehow to be viewed with suspicion that there "must have been" underlying issues is offensive. I've been both..I was v happy in my first marriage, genuinely, but I met someone at work and had a ridiculous crush which I foolishly acted on. My then H was entirely blameless and was devastated.

tbh I think it is more shocking that you all dumped the SIL you "loved" like a hot potato, the mother of your families nieces/nephews/grandchildren.

My brother split from my ex-DSIL nearly 30 years ago. DNiece was 2yo.

His story was he didn't want the family/mortgage/responsibility/wanted to have fun. 6 weeks later he introduced new gf (and her 4 kids, the youngest just a baby) 🙈

We were civil to my brother and his new gf (that relationship lasted about 5 years). He lives in another country in the UK, we know he still has contact with her and her dc, and for various reasons even suspect her youngest is his but he'd never admit it.

We supported ex-DSIL and DNiece who came back to the local area. I did lots of short breaks, days out with them when DNiece and ds were younger, I had DNiece to stay over a couple of weekends a month. I still see/speak to DSIL (with or without DNiece) a couple of times a month and as the mother of my niece still consider her family.

Mum and Dad pretty much sided with DSIL too during the split, they obviously love their son unconditionally, but it doesn't mean they agree with everything he does.

The impact on children comes from parents separating regardless of whether it was an affair that caused it. And if we take that to its logical conclusion the only way to avoid it is to stay in unhappy marriages forever. If the cheats family decide to make a strong show of disapproval and distance themselves, this simply makes things worse for the children who will see less of their paternal extended family. More upheaval and confusion. If wider family are thinking of the children the best thing they can do is to avoid indulging in their own moral outrage, keep drama to a minimum and retain as much sense of normality in the family as they can. No children ever benefitted from in fighting amongst the adults in their lives and a desire to punish cheats shouldn't put them in that situation.

Other people’s marriages are none of anyone else’s business. You don’t have to like them and you don’t have to pretend you like them either.

Keep your nose out, mouth shut, smile and when you have to speak to them- talk about the weather and other mundane crap.

I am a firm believer of karma. They will both get what is due eventually.

No, I’d tell my son he was an asshole and a bastard. And I’d be disgusted by his behaviour. I would support the mother of my grandchildren the best I could.

Like a sane person, I love my children more than anything, so I might hate what they do but still love them and have a relationship with them.

That’s the limit to my list of people I love more than anything - my kids (presumably also grandchildren but I don’t have any)

A brother, a brother in law, a cousin, a person down the road - nah, fuck that shit.

@curious79 I believe most of these situations have a serious impact on children regardless of whether the families are civil etc. What they did to a horrible and they know that on some level ,most people have a conscience. Regardless it’ll catch up to them one way or another. The op doesn’t have to engage with them at all apart from being civil maybe. I would keep it all civil abs grey rock around them and so not causing conflict with kids around. I would also reach out to the wife of the bil as she might well need some support. The parents just sound fickle and this is the son they have produced so maybe their attitude isn’t hugely surprising!

What they did is totally immoral so it’s absolutely normal to feel the way you do. Also if you are married with kids it’s obviously a relatable situation. Your pils attitude is interesting…. very fickle and awful really but they are sticking by their horrible son obviously..
You don’t have to act delighted to meet this person. It’s horrible, particularly for the children involved. End of the day they’ll have to face what they’ve done one day..