Page 4 | Can’t get onboard with new SIL she was the OW

Boilinghotlady · 2024-08-11T18:46:27+00:00

BIL was sleeping with the lady from work and split up his long term marriage. She knew he was married and had young children she continued to sleep with him. She was also in a long term relationship but no kids. Shes now been introduced to us me and DH not a huge fan. We loved ex SIL so still trying to come to terms with it. MIL and FIL seems to like her and have forgotten all about the ex. I have now heard through the grapevine that she is now pregnant. I have just naturally distanced myself from the whole family because it all seems very fake and full on. AIBU? I don’t want to seem unwelcoming and bitter but it feels so messed up.

harriethoyle · 12/08/2024 15:46

Mobcap · 12/08/2024 15:28

I also think @Arraminta is a bit deluded. Of course your relationship is your boyfriend’s parents is only a function of you being in a relationship with him — that’s pretty much the brief. Sometimes it survives a breakup, divorce etc, often not if there are no children involved. It’s not evil of a parent to stop contact with an adult child’s partner if they split, especially if, as in this case, the split was brief. @Arraminta also doesn’t mention who instigated the split.

I’ve been with DH for 30 years and while I’m fond of his parents, I know they wouldn’t stay in touch if we broke up. I don’t resent it, it’s simply a fact that we’re very different, they preferred his girlfriend before me, and that I’m only in their lives because I’m married to their son.

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I don't think @Arraminta is a bit deluded. I think Arraminta is a sociopath. Genuinely.

Mobcap · 12/08/2024 15:28

saraclara · 12/08/2024 15:21

I don't think you know what integrity means. Because you really don't have an ounce of it. That last paragraph is beyond shocking. You are a terrible person.

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I also think @Arraminta is a bit deluded. Of course your relationship is your boyfriend’s parents is only a function of you being in a relationship with him — that’s pretty much the brief. Sometimes it survives a breakup, divorce etc, often not if there are no children involved. It’s not evil of a parent to stop contact with an adult child’s partner if they split, especially if, as in this case, the split was brief. @Arraminta also doesn’t mention who instigated the split.

I’ve been with DH for 30 years and while I’m fond of his parents, I know they wouldn’t stay in touch if we broke up. I don’t resent it, it’s simply a fact that we’re very different, they preferred his girlfriend before me, and that I’m only in their lives because I’m married to their son.

saraclara · 12/08/2024 15:21

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

I don't think you know what integrity means. Because you really don't have an ounce of it. That last paragraph is beyond shocking. You are a terrible person.

Mickey79 · 12/08/2024 15:16

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

This is actually one of the worst things I’ve ever read on mn. And that’s saying something!

Mickey79 · 12/08/2024 15:13

Id just spend as little time as possible with them. Bit of small talk at a family event( if they approached me) and no more than that. Yes, It is their life to live and no one knows what goes on in other peoples relationships. But what I do know is how I feel about infidelity- I believe it is a form of abuse. So I’d keep my distance.

5128gap · 12/08/2024 15:10

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

If it were me I'd be a lot more concerned that my 'D'H had at worst badly poisoned the well against me in order to look like the injured party, or at best had stood aside like a wet lettuce while his mother cold shouldered me. But hey, why make a man accountable in any way shape of form if you can vent your spite by encouraging the neglect of a vulnerable old women? And if your H stood by and let you 'secretly work' against his mother, then he is either outstandingly stupid to have failed to notice your cruelty, or exceptionally weak to not have stood up to you. Let's hope you never need support with someone 'working against' you because married to him, you'll reap what you've sown.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 12/08/2024 15:05

I'm like you OP, I couldn't overlook how they got together and wouldn't want to associate with her at all. I've struggled to be in the same room as people like this before - luckily my family is large so it's not too noticeable when two people aren't talking to one another.

Love @Frasers response who wouldn't judge the man that cheats on his wife but in the next breath goes on to judge the woman saying she'd support her own son but not an (unrelated) BIL

Iwasafool · 12/08/2024 14:59

AquaLeader · 12/08/2024 14:12

@Arraminta, your above post shows who you are.

You quietly cut your MIL out of both your DH and your lives as much as possible.

When your FIL died you secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible.

You ensured that the last few years of your MIL's life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

I hope you reap what you sow.

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Integrity is clearly overrated. I think I'd prefer to be friends with the OW than this example of integrity. No actually take think out of it, I would prefer to be friends with the OW than this example of integrity.

AquaLeader · 12/08/2024 14:12

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

@Arraminta, your above post shows who you are.

You quietly cut your MIL out of both your DH and your lives as much as possible.

When your FIL died you secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible.

You ensured that the last few years of your MIL's life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

I hope you reap what you sow.

InterIgnis · 12/08/2024 13:43

If it’s not my relationship then it’s not my business. I couldn’t be fucked to judge tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

And ‘this is what you mean to your in laws! They’d treat you the same way!’ - well, yes? Most people, even if they disapprove of their actions, will ‘choose’ their brother/sister/child over an estranged/ex spouse.

Iasonnas · 12/08/2024 13:25

Fucking hell @Arraminta

SunshineFreckles01 · 12/08/2024 13:03

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

I do agree with the last part of your message, but I think it does go both ways.

Nobody knows what was truly going on inside a relationship or why OP's BIL ended up doing what he did. It's not really anyone's business except BIL and ex-wife.

I think to react harshly off the bat and rule out any positive relationship with him and his new partner right away could turn out to be a mistake down the line, as BIL and new partner will in turn remember how they were treated at this stage and that will colour how they then interact and treat OP & family.

I think it's best to just go in with an open mind and see how it plays out. Maybe new partner will be awful and nobody will want any relationship with her anyway, or maybe she'll be OK and in 5 years' time OP will be glad she didn't go off the deep end and refuse to get to know her in these early times.

Mobcap · 12/08/2024 13:03

I’d find this level of performative outrage much more understandable if you were very close to your former sister-in-law and found it difficult to reconcile her pain with your BIL, his new partner and their pregnancy. But what you’re describing is a messy, complex situation in which everyone involved, including, according to you, your former SIL, did ‘messed up things’.

andfinallyhereweare · 12/08/2024 12:52

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

What on earth!?

raincloudsandholidays · 12/08/2024 12:50

Turophilic · 12/08/2024 12:47

Why would you be more concerned with the nieces and nephews they already have? You can't surely be suggesting that children are deserving of more or less concern based on whether they were born to a first wife or a second who was the OW?

@5128gap - Let’s think, who needs support of the extended family? Those children you’ve known and loved for years who have seen their family break up and a bitter divorce lead to estrangement, or a newborn who knows nothing about any of it and has both parents in residence…

I don’t judge the OW a fraction as harshly as I judge the cheating fuckwit who betrayed his family to get his leg over.

If someone is unhappy in a marriage, split up. Don’t line up Wife No.2 while living with Wife No.1. It’s not a queue.

Completely agree

Turophilic · 12/08/2024 12:47

Why would you be more concerned with the nieces and nephews they already have? You can't surely be suggesting that children are deserving of more or less concern based on whether they were born to a first wife or a second who was the OW?

@5128gap - Let’s think, who needs support of the extended family? Those children you’ve known and loved for years who have seen their family break up and a bitter divorce lead to estrangement, or a newborn who knows nothing about any of it and has both parents in residence…

I don’t judge the OW a fraction as harshly as I judge the cheating fuckwit who betrayed his family to get his leg over.

If someone is unhappy in a marriage, split up. Don’t line up Wife No.2 while living with Wife No.1. It’s not a queue.

MsBridie · 12/08/2024 12:38

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

Wow, you sound almost proud of yourself.

Arraminta · 12/08/2024 12:02

I really value integrity in people and just wouldn't have any respect for either your BIL or his new girlfriend. I would be civil but that's all I would ever be. When someone shows you exactly who they are, then you really should pay attention.

DH (then just my boyfriend) and I had been together for 11 years. In that time I had holidayed with his Mum, visited her when she was in hospital, helped her numerous times. We'd never had a cross word. But when DH and I briefly split up she absolutely cut me off for dead, she couldn't have been colder. She showed me very clearly exactly the sort of person she truly was and I paid attention.

She was all smiles again when DH and I got back together and got married and had our DCs. But I wasn't fooled. I quietly cut her out of our lives as much as possible. When FIL died I secretly worked to not help her or support her in every way possible. The last few years of her life were much lonelier and harder then they could have been.

You reap what you sow.

5128gap · 12/08/2024 11:47

Turophilic · 12/08/2024 09:29

It will be very difficult to build a relationship with this new and completely innocent family member while demonstrating disapproval of the parents

You know it’s not the law that people have to be close with cousins or nephews and nieces, right? Sending a birthday card with a tenner in it is pretty much all that’s required.

Plenty of people just have a passing acquaintance with relatives. We see one side’s cousins for maybe a couple of hours a year. No falling out, we just live far apart, have little in common, briefly overlap at Christmas visits to grandparents to swap presents.

The BIL and the OW and their child don’t have to be an integral part of OP’s family. I’d be more concerned about the nephews/nieces they already have.

Why would you be more concerned with the nieces and nephews they already have? You can't surely be suggesting that children are deserving of more or less concern based on whether they were born to a first wife or a second who was the OW? And yes, you're correct no one is obligated to have a relationship with the children within the extended family, and everyone is perfectly entitled to put their virtue signalling and punishment of women who men have affairs with ahead if that, should they wish. However it doesn't sit very well with the cries of 'think of the children' does it?

Frasers · 12/08/2024 11:31

Can’t believe someone is posting calling his new partner a tart. Utterly ridiculous and I’ve images of a sturdy bosomed hyacinth bucket thinking she’s having a right go.

such misogynistic language.

Kimmeridge · 12/08/2024 11:23

raincloudsandholidays · 12/08/2024 06:56

Come on, neither of them come out in a good light and Op had said sue judges the BIL and his new partner

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I'm not disagreeing but the OP worded it as though it was the OW who was at fault. 'She slept with him' He waant a victim. It takes 2 to have an affair. They're every bit as bad as each other.

Iwasafool · 12/08/2024 11:12

5128gap · 12/08/2024 08:39

The impact on children comes from parents separating regardless of whether it was an affair that caused it. And if we take that to its logical conclusion the only way to avoid it is to stay in unhappy marriages forever. If the cheats family decide to make a strong show of disapproval and distance themselves, this simply makes things worse for the children who will see less of their paternal extended family. More upheaval and confusion. If wider family are thinking of the children the best thing they can do is to avoid indulging in their own moral outrage, keep drama to a minimum and retain as much sense of normality in the family as they can. No children ever benefitted from in fighting amongst the adults in their lives and a desire to punish cheats shouldn't put them in that situation.

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Staying together isn't always great. I've had two adults, not from the same family, tell me they longed for their parents to split up. They weren't abused directly but the unhappy home was a misery to them.

I don't think people should judge, a couple splitting up might be the best thing for everyone or it might be a disaster. We can't know.

BibbleandSqwauk · 12/08/2024 11:08

@TheSpoonyNavyReader you'll have to take my word for it that I WAS happy. I'm sorry if that contradicts your theory but it's true. Maybe you're a better or stronger person than me but I gave into a very intense physical crush. I also think my second husband and I were happy albeit in the trenches of early parenthood when he met his "soulmate" and left me with two toddlers. It's simply not that simple. And whilst he was of course totally to blame for his actions, I'm not going to say she has no moral guilt. She knew me and my kids. She sent him videos and leaned on him for emotional support as a poor abandoned single mum. I don't understand this idea that you can only find fault with the married person. In church weddings there's a bit where the congregation is asked to support and be friends of the marriage. I don't think that is limited to the people present, I think it's an acknowledgement that we have a moral duty to not act like dicks towards other people, strangers or not and that would include knowingly entering a relationship with a married person.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/08/2024 11:05

Don't then, OP. Stand your moral high ground and steer clear of them.

I'm sure that will work well long term but, as long as you're in the right then what does that matter? What does it really have to do with you and how does it affect your life?

I hope you're maintaining the relationship with your ex-sister in law at least?

Iwasafool · 12/08/2024 11:04

Namenamchange · 12/08/2024 09:50

MIL & FIL have forgotten all about the mother of. their grandchildren? Nice.

That could also be said about op, you haven’t text her in a year, so sounds like you have forgotten her too.

I doubt you really know what you’re in laws think and feel.

Edited

To be honest when I got divorced I had no interest in his family contacting me. If we happen to bump into each other (very rare) we are polite but that's it. Life moves on. They stayed in touch with their GC which was appropriate.