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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH called me a narcissist

70 replies

StilettoesForMiles · 11/08/2024 19:07

We’re on holiday. Probably the last family one given our kids are older teens. It was my birthday while away. I posted a selfie on (private) Insta on my bday saying something along the lines of ‘lovely to wake up here in the sunshine on my bday’. We’ve mostly had a great time.

DH got a message from his sibling saying ‘are you on hols?’ DH says yep. Sibling says ‘well it looks like you’re home alone by yourself given [my] social media’.

DH hates having his photo taken. Sneers at all social media. Wouldn’t take a photo of me and kids all week (and they love their own socials but being teens hate me taking photos of them). Rolled eyes when I asked for a photo of us together. But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment.

I said he could have said ‘haha no I’m here, you know I hate photos, here we are!’ or something. He yelled that I’m a ‘complete narcissist’. I said, tearfully, you can’t have it both ways, sneer at me posting the odd picture but then be angry that he wasn’t in that particular post on my bday. It took the shine off a really nice day. I later found out he’d blocked me on IG, WTF?!

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. I’m exhausted but do it with love. And work full time, with quite bad peri symptoms he doesn’t acknowledge. (Can’t have HRT cos previous hormonal cancer). I really don’t think I’m a narc. (Although a child of two of them so who knows? It skews everything.)

AIBU to be (quietly, because eggshells) upset? It’s the latest small thing in a long, long list of bigger things that relate to him being controlling, abusive, and just not accepting or approving of who I am. We’ve been together for decades. I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life like this.

OP posts:
betterangels · 12/08/2024 09:32

but he actually seems to actively resent me trying to make myself happy, too.

That made me shudder. I know leaving is difficult, but living with a man like this a soul-crushing and a waste of your life.

betterangels · 12/08/2024 09:30

StilettoesForMiles · 11/08/2024 23:48

That’s another thing I said to him - that he obviously really doesn’t like me. He said ‘you act like a child. Act like you’re 51’ and I said ‘so what does that look like, for you, me acting like I’m 51?’ He had no answer. In answer to your question: no, I don’t like how he has evolved either, to be honest. He sneers at the things I like doing, while I enable and encourage all of his interests. He’s basically turning into his dad, who he loathes, but his attitude to his wife and children is playing out exactly as it was in his family.

Show quote history

You're only 51. Please rethink your life.

bombastix · 12/08/2024 09:21

Well I think you seem to have insight. He does resent you. He does not act like he likes or enjoy your company.

He sounds like he may be very emotionally immature with you having to mother him; and then he actually enjoys upsetting you.

Does that sound fair? He is beating you psychologically imo.

Original poster
StilettoesForMiles · 12/08/2024 08:16

Thank you all for your replies, I’ve read and thanked everyone. I appreciate your thoughtful responses enormously.

As @Twiglets1 said, he is well aware of my difficulties with my parents. I feel like I’ve created another relationship like that in my life, and that’s a bit of a nauseating thought. Also as @SwingTheMonkey said, I am ashamed of what I am modelling to our amazing young people about relationships.

I feel a sort of inertia about separating, but something has to change. We’ve had therapy in the past which helped a bit. I think that needs to be my next move and then I will see. Even with older kids, LTB feels overwhelmingly big.

There’s a lot I haven’t said about his past behaviour towards me and the children; this example is tiny in the bigger picture. I know it’s not my job to make him happy, but he actually seems to actively resent me trying to make myself happy, too.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 12/08/2024 07:14

I was about to ask if he always ruins your birthday or at least spoils it in some way. Then I read your update about him spoiling every holiday. That's quite narcissistic behaviour (from him). You can't be allowed to feel special or cherished even for one day. I bet you arrange all the holidays don't you? And him spoiling them is a way of putting you in your place

Projectme · 12/08/2024 06:49

Fifteentreefrogs · 12/08/2024 00:28

He feels shit about himself so is jealous of you having confidence or being engaged by anything...
I've had exes like this. Tell you you are childish, basically because they wish they could get joy out of whatever it is and hate that you can. And they extra hate it if anyone external seems to value the thing you get joy from but he can't join in with or doesn't understand.

Definitely this.

He's jealous that you're drawing attention to yourself. He's hating that it's not about him.

I hope you have the strength to leave and you have support IRL. Your kids would probably benefit too as they're taking the piss out of him too by sounds of it.

Zanatdy · 12/08/2024 06:40

StilettoesForMiles · 12/08/2024 00:07

Ugh you are so right. I don’t think I’m alone, though? I have a few friends in the same sort of position, where you’re like ‘who the hell is this guy?’ after YEARS together. I have no fear of being alone tbh. I have been subject to various aspects of ‘the script’ (I’m crazy; he might kill himself) over recent years and I feel a bit paralysed. I’m definitely not financially independent but could probably make things work solo. And I know I would be happier. I just feel like I should stick with him though. However much my heart sinks when he comes home. Mary Poppins is my default setting.

Show quote history

Why do you feel you should stick with him and his miserable ways? Pretty soon your kids will have flown the nest and then do you really want to spend the rest of your days feeling miserable? I don’t know why women stay when it’s clear their husband doesn’t even appear to like them anymore, let alone love them. My parents pretty much hated each other but stayed together because neither wanted to leave the nice house they had. So my dad stayed miserable until he died age 73. I get it’s hard to leave, I’ve been there and done it. If it’s about money, spend the last couple of years your children remain at home building up your career so you can leave if you choose to.

Twiglets1 · 12/08/2024 06:32

Sorry this happened @StilettoesForMiles I agree with others that he sounds more narcissistic than you, or at the very least extremely self centred.

As well as being petty to chastise you for something so small - on your Birthday- it was also cruel of him to accuse you of that particular trait - narcissism - when you have presumably confided in him how your parents narcissism ruined your childhood.

He used your painful experience as a weapon against you which I would find unforgivable.

mamajong · 12/08/2024 05:41

You don't have to stay in this situation, use your time on holiday to.think about the practicalities of leaving and to figure out if you're ready for that. His behaviour is not normal, if he is that upset about 1 post, he needs help

Mountainclimber50 · 12/08/2024 05:10

I find people who label others usually are reflecting on their own personality traits.

I avoid people who pseudo diagnose.

Angelil · 12/08/2024 04:00

Why are you with him again? LTB

ChellyT · 12/08/2024 03:28

You're not an idiot @StilettoesForMiles you made a vow to stick with him through thick and thin BUT that vow goes both ways!

Why wouldn't you want to try to make the best of a terrible situation, make a happy home for your children, for your husband and yourself BUT if you and the DC walking around at times on eggshells what kind of a life is that?

He is the narcissist and controlling.

Go it solo, you'll make it work and you'll do it with a smile on your face.

XChrome · 12/08/2024 03:13

StilettoesForMiles · 12/08/2024 00:07

Ugh you are so right. I don’t think I’m alone, though? I have a few friends in the same sort of position, where you’re like ‘who the hell is this guy?’ after YEARS together. I have no fear of being alone tbh. I have been subject to various aspects of ‘the script’ (I’m crazy; he might kill himself) over recent years and I feel a bit paralysed. I’m definitely not financially independent but could probably make things work solo. And I know I would be happier. I just feel like I should stick with him though. However much my heart sinks when he comes home. Mary Poppins is my default setting.

Show quote history

Resist the feeling that you should stick with him. Resist it with everything you have in you. You can do it.

XChrome · 12/08/2024 03:10

Sounds like classic projection. Everything is about him. He goes crazy when his image is tarnished even when it's his own fault, and he blames you, won't take accountability. He sounds narcissistic. You don't.
He's scum, OP. Don't continue to live this way.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2024 03:05

He has ruined every single holiday for 33 years, including pre kids. What an idiot I am.

Idiocy would be continuing for to year 34.

Just imagine the peace and quiet and joy and laughter that could be your future. Don’t let how he feels about himself be your problem.

knittingandminim · 12/08/2024 02:03

You and your children don't deserve to be bullied or intimidated by him any longer.

Realising you are in an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, and leaving one can be even harder. It takes a lot of bravery.

You, your life, your wants and desires, your joy, your children, your comfort, safety, and freedom ALL matter. It is not your fault. It might be hard for you to believe, but it is not your fault.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 12/08/2024 01:07

A Narcissist accuses others of what they are and do themselves.
You are not the narcissist here.

SwingTheMonkey · 12/08/2024 01:01

If not for you op, leave him for your children who are currently seeing a really poor example of an adult relationship. You all (you and the children) deserve better than this.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 12/08/2024 00:54

I just feel like I should stick with him though

Why? You don’t have to tell me, but I think you deserve to give yourself at least one good reason why you don’t deserve to be happy. And it can’t be your DC because a) they’re practically adults and b) they will understand.

PeachSalad · 12/08/2024 00:52

StilettoesForMiles · 11/08/2024 19:07

We’re on holiday. Probably the last family one given our kids are older teens. It was my birthday while away. I posted a selfie on (private) Insta on my bday saying something along the lines of ‘lovely to wake up here in the sunshine on my bday’. We’ve mostly had a great time.

DH got a message from his sibling saying ‘are you on hols?’ DH says yep. Sibling says ‘well it looks like you’re home alone by yourself given [my] social media’.

DH hates having his photo taken. Sneers at all social media. Wouldn’t take a photo of me and kids all week (and they love their own socials but being teens hate me taking photos of them). Rolled eyes when I asked for a photo of us together. But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment.

I said he could have said ‘haha no I’m here, you know I hate photos, here we are!’ or something. He yelled that I’m a ‘complete narcissist’. I said, tearfully, you can’t have it both ways, sneer at me posting the odd picture but then be angry that he wasn’t in that particular post on my bday. It took the shine off a really nice day. I later found out he’d blocked me on IG, WTF?!

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. I’m exhausted but do it with love. And work full time, with quite bad peri symptoms he doesn’t acknowledge. (Can’t have HRT cos previous hormonal cancer). I really don’t think I’m a narc. (Although a child of two of them so who knows? It skews everything.)

AIBU to be (quietly, because eggshells) upset? It’s the latest small thing in a long, long list of bigger things that relate to him being controlling, abusive, and just not accepting or approving of who I am. We’ve been together for decades. I’m not sure I can live the rest of my life like this.

Tell your DH that it takes far more than a facebook photo to be diagnosed as a narcissist. Recommend him to read shat NPD is.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2024 00:46

I'm begging you to not live the rest of your life with this bully of a man who doesn't even like you. You don't need him. For anything. The only regret you will ever have is if you stay married to him.

HettieBettyBoo · 12/08/2024 00:34

StilettoesForMiles · 12/08/2024 00:24

@Thelnebriati He has ruined every single holiday for 33 years, including pre kids. What an idiot I am.

This tells you everything you need to know. You have 2 choices, either leave or live the rest of your life in misery. It’s a choice you alone will need to make but I know which one I’d prefer. Life is far too short is all I’ll say.

Fifteentreefrogs · 12/08/2024 00:28

He feels shit about himself so is jealous of you having confidence or being engaged by anything...
I've had exes like this. Tell you you are childish, basically because they wish they could get joy out of whatever it is and hate that you can. And they extra hate it if anyone external seems to value the thing you get joy from but he can't join in with or doesn't understand.

Original poster
StilettoesForMiles · 12/08/2024 00:24

@Thelnebriati He has ruined every single holiday for 33 years, including pre kids. What an idiot I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
StilettoesForMiles · 12/08/2024 00:22

OfficerChurlish · 12/08/2024 00:13

But the day after, he instigated a big row saying he’s ‘never been so upset’ after his sibling’s comment. If this is the worst thing that has happened to him, even recently, he's lucky.

You posted a selfie, right - no children, no husband, no friends, no random passers-by, just you? - saying you were enjoying your birthday. If that's correct, the sibling's intervention seems like stirring, but your husband should be able to handle this kind of stuff (assuming you're been married, and parenting together, for around 15+ years and he's been siblings with this person for roughly 50 years). HE could have avoided the whole problem if he'd just emailed, texted, etc. his sibling saying "Stilettos and I and the children are off on holiday to x place, back home y date".

My entire life, like many middle aged women, is spent making sure he and our kids have all their needs met, are supported and happy. Your kids, OK - they're children and they depend on their parents. But he as an adult in a relationship of choice has an equal responsibility to you to make sure that you have your needs met and are supported and happy, AND he has half the responsibility of making sure that's the case for the children, assuming they are your children together. It doesn't sound like he is doing this?

(Edited because I messed up the bold text at the top.)

Edited

Yes I think there was some stirring going on. And it doesn’t feel like a relationship of two adults. I feel like I’m the one keeping the show on the road all the time - and yet I’m the one who needs chastising every day, too. It’s not good, is it?

OP posts: