Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to have his own home by now?

32 replies

ThisLife2024 · 11/08/2024 10:16

We have 2 children and split almost 3 years ago. Finances were settled over 12 months ago and I bought him out of the house so he has £50k in the bank. Works full time, same job for years, so could get a mortgage or rent.

He is still living between his girlfriend’s and parents’ houses, paying rent to neither (or so he says). Has our kids one night a week and his excuse for not having them more is that it’s not his own place they stay at (it is his parents’ home).

This is now pissing me off as I feel he should be taking on more of the childcare but he says he won’t rent (dead money) and is waiting for interest rates to come down before he buys. Meanwhile I am working 2 jobs and paying a massive mortgage to keep a roof over our kids’ heads.

He insists he won’t live in his GF’s house either and the kids have never been into her house (she has no kids).

I just feel like he is living in limbo and not moving on, it’s affecting our children as they share a camp bed at his parents’ every week and hate going. He even asks me to pack a bag for them every week and brings back their dirty washing for me to launder as he claims there is no room to store their clothes and he can’t access the washing machine. He does none of the school runs unless on the odd occasion they stay at his parents’ on a school night (literally about 3 times this year so far).

Should he have sorted his own place by now?

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 11/08/2024 10:34

I think it depends what he earns. If he earns 30k he will probably be able to raise a mortgage of 90-120k perhaps less based on affordability if he has debts, maintenance, car on finance etc. So even with his 50k for the deposit and expenses of buying he will have a budget of 130k - 170k and might struggle to get anything.

But if he earns 80k he can probably get a mortgage of 240-320 so totally different prospects.

I don't blame him for not wanting to rent as depending on his wages he might not be able to save anything and in turn not be able to buy again.

If he is not sure if he can afford to buy perhaps you could encourage him to talk to a mortgage broker. There is speculation of interest rates being reduced in the autumn.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/08/2024 10:31

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this tbh.
It definitely not down to his gf to provide either him or his children with accommodation.

The only thing I can suggest is that he finds an alternative to the current sleeping arrangements.

goodluckwiththat81 · 11/08/2024 10:29

do you get all cms you are entitled to given he has one night a week

but honestly…. why you’d be wanting your children to spend more time with him is more baffling than anything

Witchbitch20 · 11/08/2024 10:28

@BibbleandSqwauk but he doesn’t and realistically doesn’t sound like he will, so what’s the alternative?

OP can’t force home into renting or buying. His relationship with his children is his responsibility - if they don’t want to see him that’s on him. If I was the OP I’d be making sure I could tell my children (when they are older) that I did as much as I could to facilitate the relationship.

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/08/2024 10:23

@Witchbitch20 I really don't think it's the OPs job to work out with him. He's an adult. He should want to have a place that his kids call home. I agree re the girlfriend..nothing to do with her at all but a year or so renting til he's ready to buy is not unreasonable.

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/08/2024 10:22

Of course he should but it's much easier to have mummy and daddy wait on him, do his washing presumably if he doesn't have access and go to his girlfriend's shag pad when it suits. You do all the real parenting and he gets a few fun bits. Not much you can do but you can tell from me, by experience, that if he leaves it too long, his kids will never see his place as a home, just somewhere dad lives and go less and less as they build their own independence.

Witchbitch20 · 11/08/2024 10:21

I think you are being unreasonable to demand he has his own place to your timescale.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he takes more responsibility for the children and you need to work out together how that can happen when his living arrangements are as you’ve described.

Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t want him living with her? Maybe she doesn’t want your children in her house?