To expect ex to have his own home by now?

I'd guess he's moved in with the GF and she wont have the kids there so he's having to use his parents one night a week for the kids. I'd guess he's holding out to see if they can buy somewhere together, but doesn't want to tell you that's the delay.

He might get a better interest rate, but stamp duty would negate some of that, so I can't really see if he's serious why he'd wait. Rates were good before Christmas and he didn't do anything then did he?

I haven't read the full thread but are you sure he isn't living at his girlfriends OP?

My ex husband has been living at his girlfriends since 2018 but hasn't told us. The children only see him out for meals (about once every 2-3 months) and I found out through a mutual friend.

We are now finally after 12 years going through a divorce and I am hoping it may all come out in our financial declaration or the court might give him a bit of leeway if on paper he looks like he can't live in his own place as contributing towards the mortgage (he has never given me CM he pays the mortgage each month instead)

The children will work out who did and still does 99% of the real parenting. My joy and reward is that I have 99% of the pleasure being their parent. Still same deal 25 years later

“it’s affecting our children as they share a camp bed at his parents’ every week and hate going.”

So why do you make them go? What will happen when they are too big to share a camp bed? Does your ex even look after them, or does he leave it to his parents? In the final analysis, what’s important is the well-being of your DC. Perhaps if you told your ex that current arrangements aren’t suitable, it might spur him into getting himself some sort of more suitable accommodation? If not, then you will have to resign yourself to having your children full-time anyway, as clearly current arrangements can’t endure for much longer.

OP, I feel your pain, as unfair as the situation is, you cannot do anything to change it. He can make it worse by stopping contact altogether and if he does, apart of getting a few more pennies in maintenance, there’s nothing you can do to change the situation.

I would suggest you stop seeing him as a co-parent. Just see him as free babysitting (Disclaimer: It is not right or fair but will make you feel better).

Pack the bags for the sake of your children, deep down you know he will let them go cold, inadequately dressed or dirty if you don’t. Believe me, packing the bags will use less of your energy than get worked out about what he should be doing and doesn’t, just do it.

I have found that nagging takes more energy than just doing the work. You will have to do it anyway, no matter how much you try for him to help, that’s why you are divorced. Don’t forget that.

Don’t waste your very valuable and needed energy trying to make a stone bleed. You need that energy to stay strong. You are alone on this, that’s true, but you can parent your children well and provide for them with him, without him and despite of him. So don’t let his lack of care bring you down.

It's his responsibility to provide clean clothes for his children

What a load of bollocks about not being able to access the washing machine. How does he clean his own clothes?

Of course he's being amicable, you're doing all the shit work for him and let him have access to your home.

Put your foot down, change the locks and stop sending them with spare clothes!

Well he's a useless piece of shit and your kids can already see it!

Let it go. He will never be the dad you hoped he would be.

Definitely don't help him out by packing bags etc. Those invisible jobs are part of being a good parent. It's better that your kids learn sooner rather than later what he is like. Don't slag him off but don't cover up for him. He is who he is.

First of all you'd have to work just as hard whether he had his own house or not. Your mortgage payment and bills would be the same. But I get that it's annoying that he seems to be bumming along with his mum and GF wiping his arse for him. But you have no control over that.

You do have control over your behaviour. You need to stop wiping his arse for him too. He needs to sort clothes for his own place. Stop accepting bags of washing from him. I wouldn't offer for him to come and take things from your house or look after the kids at yours. That's just enabling him. He needs to start parenting independently and that means providing clothing, washing clothes, cleaning up after them. Not just taking them to McDonald's once a week and watching TV with them at his mum's. The kids will end up not wanting to see him and it'll all be his own fault.

Is he paying maintenance? Please tell me he's paying maintenance at least!

He needs to get himself to a launderette and come up with a solution for storing clothes, even if it means he needs to put up with having less space/getting rid of some of his own stuff. The buying a house issue you can't control, but it sounds like the kids will vote with their feet and not want to go for visits if he doesn't get his own place soon. I totally see why you're frustrated as he's clearly wanting to have his cake and eat it. Refuse to facilitate things like doing laundry and packing bags.

It might be that it's an excuse, it might be that he genuinely can't. It depends on his income.

I earn above average, but wouldn't meet the (unrealistically high) affordability criteria for a mortgage on my own in my area. I would also struggle to get a place to rent, as the credit checks are based on income not savings - and they no longer allow rent payments up front due to legislation aimed to prevent money laundering.

As others have said it's the wrong point to focus on though. He could live in a mansion and still refuse to have the children stay. It's unfair, but there's not a lot you can do if he has a shitty attitude to parenting. Your children will understand who was there for them, and who wasn't, as they get older.

I’ve said it many times on here before, it’s the long game on this kind of thing.
Yes, it would be lovely for interest rates to come down but that could be YEARS. I don’t know how old your kids are but even a single year to a child feels like a decade as time moves more slowly for them. All the time they are making negative associations with their dad and staying at his in some transient lifestyle that teens would start to just refuse to stay in.
He clearly doesn’t see that. If interest rates are more important than building a strong and lifelong bond with and providing a secure and stable home for his children then that’s on him.
Your children will come to see everything you are willing to do for them, and everything their father isn’t. One day it will all come out in the wash. As annoying as it is shouldering the burden of having a shit co-parent, just keep being the best parent you can be and let fate take its course.

Why has he not got stuff for his own kids? Why is it down to OP? Why can't he use a bloody washing machine? Why can't he be a useful parent yet you think she's unreasonable?? Christ the bar is on the floor these days.

How can he pack the kids stuff for the trip, if all the stuff is at your home, unless you're happy for him to come round and do it of course.
All the rest of it, YABU.

I agree that in his situation renting is dead money. Interest rates will continue to come down so we’d probably wait a bit longer, too.

I don't think it's that hard to understand...the OP feels she became a parent as a joint enterprise and has been left to do it all alone. I resent the fuck out of my ex for doing similar. I love my kids but I'm quite happy to say I want some time to myself too...to build a new relationship, to have some autonomy, to rest. Given what the OP has said about him wanting her to pack the kids bags I can totally see why she'd want him to stop taking the piss and hold up his end of the parenting load.

Is he actually giving you the money that he should be OP?

I don't think it's about what he should do as you can't change that.

It's about what you shouldn't be doing.

You shouldn't be packing backs for the kids and doing the washing etc.

If he wants the kids to stay over, let him facilitate that himself.

This.

Honestly? don't contact him about overnights, wait for him to take the initiative, he won't, and your kids will be free of a deadbeat dad.

Just to add OP it's possible that he is stalling for all the reasons that you have said. Perhaps he doesn't want to have the kids several times a week, to do their school runs and their laundry.

Terrible if that is the case but not much you can do about it.