Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

It is age appropriate - they have to be taught it is not acceptable. I gentle parent, any hitting etc from my two children is decreasing in my house constantly. My 5 year old will occasionally snatch a toy aggressively from his 2 year old sister or sometimes hit her if she ruins her play but he always is spoken to firmly and a consequence given. My 2 year old currently likes to scratch or hit of something isn’t going her way but she is getting much better at it.

I don’t condone it. I am actively teaching them what to do instead.

Really well explained! ♥️

Not true. Quite confused by this response. Why would it not work with two children?
how do you deal with a child hurting their sibling in a non-gentle parenting way?
for us - we deal with the hurt child first and comfort them before dealing with the one did the hurting.
a conversation can still be had.
a consequence can still be given.

OK. Prepare for a long response... (sorry!)

Firstly, anger is a human emotion as normal as happiness, sadness and love. So there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

Secondly, I've certainly felt crossness towards my children's behaviour at times, frustration, disappointment very occasionally but never 'anger'.

I admit there's an element of semantics here so, to clarify, to me, anger is a very extreme emotion. Crossness, displeasure, irritation, frustration are all milder emotions. To me. Some situations make us feel angry and we can experience a sense of loss of emotional control. But those should be reserved for the greatest injustices. Not a small child's behaviour (but that's just my take on it).

So, as an emotion, it's perfectly normal, and we can't control the emotional response we have to a situation. But we can control our behaviour - verbal and physical - in response to that emotion (eg you don't have to shag that married man just because you fancy him).

However, I think a lot of people misidentify their emotions because we generally have poor emotional literacy.

Essentially, the physiological response to all emotions is the same and we identify them according to context - excitement on Christmas Eve vs nervousness before an exam - the physiological response is the same). It's one of the reasons why women post on here in really shitty relationships claiming to love their partner. They're certainly feeling a big emotion but is it really love? But we can only identify the emotions we understand.

A lot of anger is actually shame. Shame is the bigger problem. But it's an emotion that isn't really discussed.

As an example, imagine your small child misbehaves in public.

It's a bit irritating because you've had to deal with one tantrum this morning already so you're behind in what you need to do (frustration and pressure of expectation). What makes it worse is that you feel like everyone else is watching you and judging your parenting and you're embarrassed by how your child is behaving (shame). This feels intense and you experience the intense emotion as anger. And the source of that anger as your child.

You feel 'angry' with the child in case other people are watching and you think they're judging you to be a shit parent who can't control their child. So you shout at your child to get them to stop. It doesn't work. The shouting escalates the child's behaviour because your child doesn't have any labels for their emotions. They just feel bad and intensely something. You might find yourself throwing out a threat or two, "If you don't stop... then..." Your child reacts more. They've got no space to calm down. They feel horrible and their safe person is shouting at them.

At this point, everyone has lost it because the parent has misidentified their emotions as anger towards.the child when it's actually frustration and shame. And are trying to manage those feelings in themselves by controlling their child's behaviour. Parent and child are both dysregulated. No one wins and the parent is expecting a degree of emotional control of a child that they don't have themselves (or they wouldn't be feeling so 'angry').

It's far better to acknolwege the initial emotion as frustration (circumstantial) and the second emotion as shame (down to societal expectations) because then it's easier to see, with clarity, that your child is struggling and, actually, it's not appropriate to be 'angry' with them.

It's the same when your child won't give up a toy someome else had first or hits another child. You feel frustrated by their behaviour and shame at how you and your child might be viewed by others/the fact you couldn't stop it.

So, to go back to your question, is 'anger' really what you are feeling or is it something else? And is there a better way of responding than 'showing anger'.

I don't know how well I've explained that. I was trying to keep it short!

Yep. It sucks. It centres the perpetrator always at the expense of the victim. Because, of course, the theory goes that the hitting child is merely expressing himself and his Big Feelings (let's be honest it's often a boy doing the pushing/hitting.)

Nevermind the Big Feelings of the kid who's just been pushed over, who sees the pushing child get away with it scot free and even get cooed at and listened to.

If it makes me Authoritarian to have a zero-tolerance policy to violent behaviour, then ok I'm Authoritarian.

Everyone always says it's never OK to smack a child, and I whole heartedly agree.

It's also not ok to condone a child hitting another child.

So many on here have flamed me for this saying "hitting and biting are age-expected behaviour". Ok, maybe so (I don't necessarily agree) but just like toilet training, it is something you must actively train your child not to do, in a prompt and effective way.

I've never seen children who hit and push, trained out of it effectively the Gentle Parenting way.

Nobody is answering because there is no answer. Gentle parenting might work if you have one child and ignore the other children your child hits. As soon as you have more than one it does not work, unless your children are also gentle children by nature.
All the long explaining and validating feelings means any other children are ignored. And natural consequences mean other children suffer too.

Just to add, I have noticed those most into gently parenting tend to have had abusive parents. They do tend to think the only alternative to being a gentle parent is to parent in an abusive way as they do not understand other ways of parenting. They also tend to be frightened of anger and shouting as they associate it with abuse.

your explanation was really good and makes a lot of sense. But the bit I struggle with is how to address it?
With a 2 year old it’s one thing. They are angry/ disregulated- just need a hug. My 5 year old it’s more calculated- she wants her way, she’s pushing boundaries, she wants to “win”. What to do? Gentle parenting says consequences- but what consequences? You are not allowed to punish or withhold, ignore or do time out. So how/ what to do???

your explanation was really good and makes a lot of sense. But the bit I struggle with is how to address it?
With a 2 year old it’s one thing. They are angry/ disregulated- just need a hug. My 5 year old it’s more calculated- she wants her way, she’s pushing boundaries, she wants to “win”. What to do? Gentle parenting says consequences- but what consequences? You are not allowed to punish or withhold, ignore or do time out. So how/ what to do???

How does all the sitting and cuddling and validating the Big Feelings of a child that's just hit another work if the child that's been hit is a sibling?

Because my mum was a big fan of Gentle Parenting the crap out of my sister when she hit me, and ignoring me when I was crying because I'd been hit.

She couldn't sit and cuddle and validate both of us, so she picked the youngest, always.

I've posted this on a number of threads on the topic and nobody has ever been able to answer - I assume because what happens is what happened to me when I was little, and nobody wants to cop to that.

Couldn't agree more. When my daughter was about 2 I wasn't watching her properly and we were at my Mum's house. We'd moved anything breakable to higher cupboards and were quite relaxed about letting her rummage through our pots and pans and play with them in our won home. She went into a lower cupboard and got out a Denby gravy boat and broke it, and my Mum shouted at her. My daughter immediately burst into tears and was obviously devastated.

My Mum asked why she was so upset and said it was like no-one had ever shouted at her. I thought about it and said that no, no-one ever had- why would we? She was just a 2 yo exploring. The whole house is full of breakable things all within easy reach of a toddler and it's quite hard to be monitoring them full stop. I asked whether we couldn't put some baby-proofing in place so this kind of thing didn't happen, e.g. expensive crockery on higher shelves or catches on the cupboard doors, just whilst DD was little. She talked a lot about how in their day, they didn't baby-proof the house, they taught the baby not to touch things. What was unsaid is that they did that by shouting, smacking and making them feel less valuable than a Denby gravy boat.

How does all the sitting and cuddling and validating the Big Feelings of a child that's just hit another work if the child that's been hit is a sibling?

Because my mum was a big fan of Gentle Parenting the crap out of my sister when she hit me, and ignoring me when I was crying because I'd been hit.

She couldn't sit and cuddle and validate both of us, so she picked the youngest, always.

I've posted this on a number of threads on the topic and nobody has ever been able to answer - I assume because what happens is what happened to me when I was little, and nobody wants to cop to that.

I don't understand why parents can never show anger

I'm exactly like you. Very gentle but I do raise my voice a bit and I have slapped a toddler hand away from something very dangerous on occasion over the years but that is it. I talk to my kids, I explain how their behaviour hurts others and I implement the teachings of our faith. I truly do not believe that children need to be ruled by fear or physical assault. They're little children, eager to please who just love their parents and think they're the sun moon and stars. They love praise and will act in a way that they know makes their parents happy in order to get it. Do that enough with them when they're small and it becomes a habit so that once they're older and don't need the praise so much, they do it because it's the correct thing to do and yields the best results.
We are a very happy family. No shouting or fighting. We're all a very laid back, giggly, easy come easy go type of people. My husband and I are both like this and the children are too. Everywhere we go we are praised on how well behaved they are and I put this down to consistency. We aren't neglectful to our teachings. If they're old enough (and capable of understanding) to be told not to be loud or disruptive in a restaurant for example and they continue the behaviour they'll be taken outside until they behave whether our food gets cold or not. They see us take a baby out of Mass if we're disturbing the congregation and settle them in the car or wherever before coming back in and they quickly learn what behaviours are expected. We do not allow running around screaming in places where it isn't appropriate, we insist on good manners and being well spoken and polite. Our older children know to help an elder or clean up after themselves.
I truly believe it has nothing to do with harsh punishments or threats when it comes to children. They're pure souls who need nurtured and sculpted into the adults we need them to be not by fearing what happens if they don't, but having the happy stress free life to experience the joy and satisfaction of choosing the correct behaviours. I love kids and all of them deserve not to be hit or frightened for any reason.

Maybe you've never spent all day with a crotchety over-tired child who kept you awake for most of the night before and has gone beyond uncooperative and into downright obstructive to everything you've attempted to do, whilst over-stimulating you to the max with a constant stream of noise and touch. Because I definitely would not describe myself as a bit cross or irritated after a day of that.

None of that is to say you shouldn't address it but know what it is you are addressing.

OK. Prepare for a long response... (sorry!)

Firstly, anger is a human emotion as normal as happiness, sadness and love. So there's nothing inherently wrong with it.

Secondly, I've certainly felt crossness towards my children's behaviour at times, frustration, disappointment very occasionally but never 'anger'.

I admit there's an element of semantics here so, to clarify, to me, anger is a very extreme emotion. Crossness, displeasure, irritation, frustration are all milder emotions. To me. Some situations make us feel angry and we can experience a sense of loss of emotional control. But those should be reserved for the greatest injustices. Not a small child's behaviour (but that's just my take on it).

So, as an emotion, it's perfectly normal, and we can't control the emotional response we have to a situation. But we can control our behaviour - verbal and physical - in response to that emotion (eg you don't have to shag that married man just because you fancy him).

However, I think a lot of people misidentify their emotions because we generally have poor emotional literacy.

Essentially, the physiological response to all emotions is the same and we identify them according to context - excitement on Christmas Eve vs nervousness before an exam - the physiological response is the same). It's one of the reasons why women post on here in really shitty relationships claiming to love their partner. They're certainly feeling a big emotion but is it really love? But we can only identify the emotions we understand.

A lot of anger is actually shame. Shame is the bigger problem. But it's an emotion that isn't really discussed.

As an example, imagine your small child misbehaves in public.

It's a bit irritating because you've had to deal with one tantrum this morning already so you're behind in what you need to do (frustration and pressure of expectation). What makes it worse is that you feel like everyone else is watching you and judging your parenting and you're embarrassed by how your child is behaving (shame). This feels intense and you experience the intense emotion as anger. And the source of that anger as your child.

You feel 'angry' with the child in case other people are watching and you think they're judging you to be a shit parent who can't control their child. So you shout at your child to get them to stop. It doesn't work. The shouting escalates the child's behaviour because your child doesn't have any labels for their emotions. They just feel bad and intensely something. You might find yourself throwing out a threat or two, "If you don't stop... then..." Your child reacts more. They've got no space to calm down. They feel horrible and their safe person is shouting at them.

At this point, everyone has lost it because the parent has misidentified their emotions as anger towards.the child when it's actually frustration and shame. And are trying to manage those feelings in themselves by controlling their child's behaviour. Parent and child are both dysregulated. No one wins and the parent is expecting a degree of emotional control of a child that they don't have themselves (or they wouldn't be feeling so 'angry').

It's far better to acknolwege the initial emotion as frustration (circumstantial) and the second emotion as shame (down to societal expectations) because then it's easier to see, with clarity, that your child is struggling and, actually, it's not appropriate to be 'angry' with them.

It's the same when your child won't give up a toy someome else had first or hits another child. You feel frustrated by their behaviour and shame at how you and your child might be viewed by others/the fact you couldn't stop it.

So, to go back to your question, is 'anger' really what you are feeling or is it something else? And is there a better way of responding than 'showing anger'.

I don't know how well I've explained that. I was trying to keep it short!