Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

@GreyCarpet so you think if you have a calm atmosphere and you give children enough time to get ready for school there will be zero issues? So if they need 3 hours to get ready before leaving for breakfast club you get everyone up 3 hours before you have to leave?

No because violence is never the answer, two wrongs don't make a right and all children know what they should do (speak to an adult).

However, a natural consequence of hitting someone or being unkind might be that other children don't want to play with you anymore. And that is fine.

It's also at that point that some children make a concerted effort to change their behaviours because they have learnt that, if they want to have friends, they need to be a decent person. They might also need some help and support to achieve that. And that is fine too.

This is somebody else's home they shouldn't have to move things you need to teach your child not to touch and you need to be actually watch them. I hope you bought your mum a new gravy boat. And this is why I won't let dismissive parents bring their kids round

I think that is extremely humiliating and a very harsh punishment. It is using shame to make a child comply.

Well the natural consequence is that they miss coming in with their friends and they feel uncomfortable walking into class late. But that is rarely enough to make a difference at home because they aren't able to process what is happening now in relation to how they will feel in 30/45 minutes time. And it would be inappropriate to sanction a child for something that is their parents responsibility, yes.

So, I would ask...

What age are you talking about?

Why aren't they getting ready? What's going on in the house? What are they doing instead when they should be getting ready? Do they have access to phones? Tablets? TV? at that time?

What time do they get up? Do they have enough time to wake up, have breakfast, get themselves ready without feeling rushed? Chance to get their head in the game?

What's the morning routine in the house? Calm or chaotic? Do they have to search for uniform items or is it all laid out the night before? Is their water bottle ready to go? PE kit by the door? Homework? (The last three should increasingly be their responsibility once they get to year 3 or 4).

What's the atmosphere like? Everyone run ragged? Shouting and raised voices? Lots of voices all competing for attention? Or is it calm and peaceful and focused on preparing for the day ahead? Do they sit down for breakfast as a family? Talk about the day ahead? Have the chance to voice any fears or concerns? Are they listened to? To they feel they have been heard?

I've helped with many families with this exact issue and it is always resolved by the parent changing something they are doing at home.

Yes it works- though I would say I am a “respectful” parent over “gentle”. I respect my kids and expect respect back- this starts from birth. I respect a newborn enough to respond to their cries, to include them in our family and to parent them as best I can and to the best of my ability. As they grow- I respect their big feelings but expect them to also respect other peoples and property too. I tended to use natural consequences over any punishments. I talked to them about stuff- small, big, in between… I listened. And when that meant I listened to my son at 15 asking if his girlfriend could sleep over as they weren’t sexually active- I respected that and made my decision based on him and not what other people thought. I spoke about drugs and alcohol, I valued honesty as part of respect so that meant hearing things that I guess I might have preferred they hid from me…

Two out of 4 are happy healthy adults now and we are still close, no one went off the rails… both respectful emotionally intelligent adults… so yes. It works.

Oh my goodness, 2 absolutely no way would I shout at a little baby. She was allowed to play there, so to her wee baby mind, those were all toys like any other. I fully believe people don't understand child development either and that means they make huge mistakes and physically reprimand little children who aren't even developmentally capable of knowing what they're hitting them for. It makes me feel sick.

I’d explain we need to be ready by this time and if not then I will have to take you to school in your pyjamas.

I Understand the concept of, and difference between, a consequence and punishment.
I am suggesting that there does not always need to be a consequence for an action -

for example if a child does not want to leave the park and has a tantrum, holding the boundary means we are still going home despite the tantrum. You can cry and scream etc all you want but we are still leaving home. They don’t need to be punished for not wanting to leave - their feelings are valid. There is also no consequence as far as I can see?

But he is stopping - it’s gone from being something he did more frequently when he was a young toddler to now being a very rare occurrence. Without being shamed.

i haven’t said that I’ve never shown shock. I have always explained that he can’t hit, that it hurts, that it isn’t kind. He has always had time to regulate before apologising and always had a consequence of some kind. Your understanding of gentle parenting isn’t quite correct.

additionally, you can hold that opinion which is fine, but factually and from what we know psychologically, shaming is not effective.

a quick google search will reassure that the occasional hitting at age 5 is absolutely normal and the recommended way to respond is not to shout or shame.

I haven’t ever said it is ok for anyone to physically hurt anyone. I am explicitly teaching the direct opposite.

And the natural consequence of a child hitting another child, is they get hit back by that child. That is what most children would do without adult intervention. But that natural consequence is somehow not okay.

@GreyCarpet So what is the natural consequence of being late for school because you wont get ready? Teachers will not tell off young kids because they see it as the parents fault.

No, consequences aren't something you think up. They're not synonymous with punishment.

A natural consequence is something that happens as a result of a particular action or inaction.

In the way that, if you don't leave for work on time, you'll likely be late for work and you might have to work later to make up the time and get your job done. Having to work late isn't a punishment for arriving at work late but it is a consequence of it.

I'm sure he's a lovely boy. But you are implying that it is natural, unavoidable, completely fine that a 5yo boy hits a 2yo girl. 5yo is really rather old and much larger physically than 2yo. A boy that age should understand not to hurt a smaller child.

He won't stop till he feels ashamed of doing it. You can get there slowly or quickly but that is that, in my opinion. If you never show disapproval of his behaviour he no doubt assumes you don't disapprove of it. And that is what your daughter will grow up thinking, too, that it's normal for a larger boy to hit her, Mummy doesn't seem to be shocked.

This, the ones who don't set boundaries or follow through because it's easier not to upset your child and deal with the battle.

I can’t say whether it works as I’ve never done it but I have 4 adult children and they’ve all turned ok. I’d never smack my children but I have shouted and am very firm with boundaries. I guess pretty much the way my mum brought us up.

my husband is a soft touch especially now the younger two are young adults. Subsequently the youngest takes full advantage of that.

Completely agree with every word of this.

100% this. It’s conflict avoidance. Kids need to get angry and learn to handle it. They also need to see that mummy and daddy will get angry and handle it. Conflict is not abuse.

It will be interesting to see how this pans out in the future too.

Both of my children were always praised at school for having high emotional intelligence.

So it's definitely not a way to raise self indulgent, poorly adjusted, egotistical nightmares. If done properly.

I've never had a complaint about their behaviour from anyone.

Except that I have two children...

And I was a single parent with no family support. And I worked full time. So yes, plenty of additional pressures.

Will also add that my 5 year old has is one of the kindest children I know and has just had a glowing school report about what a good friend he is and how he is always setting a good example etc.
also always had glowing reports from him throughout his time at nursery too.
my 5 year old is a good child! Siblings fight.

This is what people don't understand when they are asking about what happens when they are teenagers, etc

If you parent this way and do it properly, you have less need to give consequences as time goes by. There is no, "What happens when they're teenagers?" because, done properly, you will have raised self aware, reflective, emotionally literate teens who operate with as much respect and empathy as they have been shown and there aren't as many issues to deal with in the first place.

Do they always get it right? No.

But are they decent people? Generally, yes.

It worked with mine anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ (although I wouldn't have described what I did as gentle parenting because I don't think it was a thing back then).

So can you tell me how you ensure a child never ever hits? May I make it clear that it is incredibly rare and we are not talking about him beating his 2 year old sister! He occasionally swipes at her arm if she’s winding him up. How should it be dealt with?

hitting is normal in early childhood and it decreases as they get older. Also in what house do sibling never ever argue? And when they are young, occasional Hitting etc is normal.

you say you wouldn’t be happy with it decreasing - so you want it to never happen? Happen once and you magically make it stop permanently?

what should be done?

because I think we can all agree that meeting anger with anger, shouting, shaming or reacting physically only creates angry young people? We know this as a fact.

But surely this is the case with any way of parenting?! If you have more than one, your often have to choose which one to deal with first?!

I actually don't think most of the kids playing up are gentle parented. I think they're ignored - parents at work, on phones etc. Some kids I've seen poorly behaving their parents absolutely bellow at. Some people I know of whose kids behave poorly I know agree with corporal punishment. So I actually don't think it's gentle parenting at all that is responsible for any perceived changes in children.