Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

Agree. I’ve been taking the approach recently of trying to ignore and ordering my DH to do the same. I’m sure that’s not allowed according to gentle parenting though

And I have "shared in detail" my strategy. Shocked disapproval, works very effectively whenever I have had to use it. Because most children are very motivated by approval and disapproval, from toddlers upwards

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have implied that your parenting (overall) is wishy washy. Of course there's no way anyone could think that based on a few mumsnet comments. But that one anecdote you shared, I do think that strategy in that one instance is wishy washy.

And you may Google that a 5yo who occasionally hits is "normal" in the sense not a huge cause for concern, but it is at least along the tail of the bell curve. Most 5yos don't do that. If it were seen in public, people would be shocked.

Should it be incredibly rare? 😫😭. See I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.

Apparently she’s an angel at school 🤦🏼‍♀️.

@BookArt As I said before, I think your raised voice is my shouting. It is semantics. No one should be losing it with children.

But even if you explain the natural consequence- natural consequences are such that they are not always intelligible to a child. For example, if you don’t do your homework , you won’t do well at school, you won’t get a good job when you grow up etc. how/ why would a small child care/ make sense of that. It’s far too long term and abstract. But it’s your job as a parent to protect them from that consequence and encourage/ support them to work hard. So you invent shorter term, more tangible rewards / consequences. This is just one example but you get the point. Saying just leave it to “natural consequences” is impractical.

No I said two behaviours that I do not agree with from an adult, an adult who should be able to manage their emotions when they expect a child to. I said name calling and shouting. Name calling is negative whether whispered or shouted.

If there is no shaming involved, what is the purpose of saying you will phone your DCs teacher?

Of course not every gentle parent is going to be the exact same in every situation.
Of course it’s going to be adapted to fit your child and your family.
add to that the fact that parents are human too- sometimes we are tired, over stimulated, stressed, not well.
we are not just parenting but living the rest of our full busy lives too.
it is an approach to parenting. Not a rule book or some kind of cult you have to sign a contract in blood to be a part of.
it’s a set of values and ideas and how they are implemented will vary

@BookArt Thank you but I do understand the different forms name calling and labelling can take. Anyone reasonably intelligent knows that is not okay. But you equated name calling with shouting.

It wasn't disapproval. There was no disapproval. It was an explanation.

She knew it was going to happen. It wasn't done after threats "if you don't put your shoes on, I'll tell your teacher..." That would be using shame.

Oh and I didn't say ," she won't put on her shoes". I said "she didn't have her shoes on yet." The former would have been 'shaming' and seeling disapproval the latter was a factual explanation of our current position.

You are using your lack of understanding to criticise my approach.

"I didn't impose arbitrary punishments. I listened to them and I treated with with empathy and respect."
This is ordinary decent parenting, not gentle parenting. Although I think some of the examples given do not demonstrate empathy and respect.

When I say name calling I mean shaming them with certain names such as 'you are always...' Probably the best way to put it is labelling the whole child as being bad for what was one bad choice. Some people see no problem with labelling their child as always bratty, always naughty, always selfish, they never ever share, they never ever listen.

I am a naturally loud person, as is my family. There is a very big difference between being loud and shouting, including the level, the intention, the tone.

Treating a child with empathy and kindness... What is the problem with that when any adult would want to be treated the same?

When my kids have been this young I take them to the toilet with me. The person I was replying to admitted to not watching their child which is why everything was moved out of reach in her mum's house so that she didnt have to watch her. I have never had to move things as my kids understand you don't touch things that don't belong to them it's basic respect.

Absolutely agree that by 5 that sort of reaction should be incredibly rare. Have you spoken to school - what’s their behaviour like there? Have they got any suggestions of what you could put in place?
cajoling and negotiations aren’t the right way to go about it, I agree.

Well I think there must be a miscommunication somewhere because I've never said that I didnt parent my children or that I just sat by and watched them encounter catastrophe after catastrophe as they found their own way through life. Nor have I suggested anyone do that either.

We had very clear rules and very clear boundaries and expectations that were reiterated and enforced. The reasons were made clear, and the (natural) consequences were made clear. They understood that, if they didn't follow the instruction, they were choosing the (natural) consequence.

But I didn't shout. I didn't impose arbitrary punishments. I listened to them and I treated with with empathy and respect.

You might disagree with that approach and that is fine but it worked for us.

I am not a perfect parent. But I do prefer punishments or consequences that are short, and then we can all move on.

Thanks to those who replied to my post.

Interestingly, those saying that they’d tend to the hurt child first - you’re going against every MN thread I’ve read on what gentle parenting is. The posters all say that a child that hits must be taken away, cuddled, and had their big feelings worked through, and any delay to this process would mean the child feeling abandoned and internalising their feelings. The child that had been hit was then to be given an apology if the child that hit them agreed.

That’s why I didn’t anticipate replies - I’ve never had any before because the parents posting would’ve had to admit to doing what my mum did, i.e. ignoring me when my sister walloped me, because she had big feelings.

I do think it’s funny that not even gentle parents can agree with one another about how it’s supposed to work, especially as so many seem to think that getting it wrong is akin to parents who’re screaming at and hitting their kids.

@Tandora sounds like she is getting attention for it from your DH. He needs to stop doing this - easier said than achieved I know!
I found standing at a distance and ignoring DCs having tantrums worked best. And when it was over sitting down with them and saying clearly that tantrums were not acceptable. They need to stop doing it.

They don’t need to be punished for not wanting to leave - their feelings are valid

their feelings are valid, but their behaviour is not. You cannot go through life having a tantrum every time you don’t get your way.

A two year old, of course they don’t know any better, you just hug/ comfort them. A five year old? It’s getting more problematic to be honest. This is what I’m struggling with - my five year old
has the worst tantrums every time I say no or do something she doesn’t like/ want for any reason. I have no problem holding the boundary/ not giving in, but that doesn’t feel enough. If she screams and shouts the place down and disturbs everyone else, throws herself about, etc, it feels like she is getting to the age that she needs to understand that’s not ok and that’s not going to be tolerated. There isn’t necessarily a natural consequence other than me getting mightily pissed off!! So what do I do? My partner is always trying to reason/ cajole/ empathise, as far as I can tell it just feeds the behaviour/ makes it worse as she’s getting the attention she wants.

I do a mix. Lots of hugs, kisses, I love yous. Lots of positive play and interaction.

But I will also expect certain behaviour. We don't do tantrums and we definitely don't allow rudeness. I've shouted when they don't listen but not to intimidate.

I don't think a little fear is a bad thing. Families should have structure and hierarchy. Parents should be respected in order to keep everyone alive.

I think, as long as a child feels love, care, knows their parents want the best for them and knows to treat others with respect, it doesn't really matter how you do it.

And all parents who care about their parenting style tend to be loving a caring parents. It is wrong to compare their children with the children of alcoholics, drug users, with domestic violence at home, parents with severe mental issues, and abusive parents. Of course these children are either going to be the worst behaved or withdrawn.
What we are comparing is different styles of parenting between loving and caring parents.

Ah you must be one of those perfect parents who never needs to pee or leave the room for a second and whose little angels never would open a cupboard out of curiosity. Of course we wouldn’t let them ransack Granny’s house. But moving an expensive vase out of reach because accidents can happen is also an option. It’s not dismissive or permissive to remove things you know could be an issue

Sorry could you just explain in detail your parenting method for your two young children with a 2.5 year age gap and exactly how you have managed to ensure that neither of them ever hurt the other? Thank you in advance.

I have not anywhere on this thread criticised anyone’s parenting so to read that apparently my 5 year old occasionally hits my 2 year old because of my wishy washy parenting is insulting.

I suggest you read up on what gentle parenting is. I am always being told how well behaved my children are and whilst I am by no means perfect, I put every ounce of energy I have into ensuring my children are parented well.

and of course my early years and teaching degree plus 12 years of behaviour management experience is also all wrong.

I’m all up for a debate and sharing opinions and thoughts but making personal digs at somebody isn’t fair and is hurtful.

if anybody would like links for research and evidence backing up any of the points I’ve made please do ask. I’d love to have some of the other points on this thread supported with evidence.

There has been at least one who has said it's important not to express any disapproval.

And I've seen it happen in real life. Too many times