Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

Actually, I said nothing was moved out of reach. I moved things out of reach in my own house. And yes, I took my eyes of her for a few minutes. I'm glad that your children understood the concept of respect and property at the age of 2, they must be geniuses. Congratulations on watching them 24/7 and never looking the other way whilst you made a cup of tea or had a conversation with an adult. Your trophy is in the post.

@Glitterbomb123 we have similar approaches and thoughts about this.

Could you link to any studies that show
*We know, without any doubt, that authoritative parenting yields the best results"?
Not an expert on parenting styles, I see disadvantages to all, just curious.

I understand. For example I struggle getting my oldest ready for school. He's very very strong willed, thinks he's always right, likes things on his terms etc. a harsh consequence would be dragging him to school in his pjs. Or taking him in late and explaining to his teacher he's late because he wouldn't get ready. That seems much more traumatising than shouting WILL YOU JUST GET READY NOW OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SPENDING ALL EVENING IN YOUR BEDROOM. Or something similar. Yet the shouting is deemed abusive than the natural consequence...

What do you mean by 'work'? How would you know if gentle parenting was working, compared to authoritarian style?

I never shout at, hit, or frighten my child into behaving, having grown up in a shouty household with 'rule by fear'. My DD is happy and confident, doing well at school, and we have a brilliant relationship. In that sense, I think my approach to parenting is 'working'.

As a child, I was quiet and got very good grades always, but I was anxious and miserable a lot of the time due to my mum's authoritarian style. We do not have a good relationship. So, if you're measuring parenting success by child's academic success, then that approach 'worked', but if you measure on the child's happiness and their relationship with their parent, then you'd consider that it failed.

You mentioned you're a teacher and as it happens, so am I, also 12y (finished training in 2012 so maybe we were in the same cohort).

The no1 thing they always say in classroom behaviour management, don't they, is having high expectations. I think when it comes down to it, your parenting and mine probably look very similar but that's the main difference, how high our expectations are. I just can't see a 5yo boy hitting a 2yo girl* as meeting my expectations, that's the main/only point where we actually differ.

Your "stern tone" and my "disapproval" probably sound similar and only differ in the level of surprise/shock. We're probably using similar sentences, although I don't ever use the word "kind". [Because I don't think not-hitting is "kind". It's just, base level acceptable behaviour. Helping someone carry bags is kind.] The only difference is that you see hitting as normal behaviour and probably your kids perceive that. Whereas I really don't.

(*Or, indeed, hitting anyone, but at least it'd be better if he picked on someone his own size!)

@Glitterbomb123 I think it is semantics. By shouting they mean a parent losing it. So a parent having an adult temper tantrum, screaming and shouting.

Shouting - STOP IT NOW - is not going to traumatise a child.

For those who 'gentle parent' and have 'firm boundaries' and never have to raise their voice, you must have fairly harsh consequences. Either that or very placid children. There has to be one or the other, I do not believe all these children just do as they're told all the time but aren't placid and obedient by nature.

So why is shouting so much more damaging to children than consequences? I'm not arguing I'm genuinely interested. I understand why consequences are more beneficial, but why is shouting supposedly so damaging, yet a consequence isn't?

she does have the patience of a saint with her but will negotiate and plead and give in.

If you're pleading with your child, you've lost.

I agree with that too!

You said you learnt stuff pre children.with a puppy. This reminds me of some friends who bought a small dog. Didn't train it and rehomed it when it (inevitably) bit their child.

They then replaced it with a much bigger dog that they also didn't train and it would jump up and try to bite everyone. They started puppy training but it was "too hard" and they gave up.

They would tell it not to jump.up.and not to bite in that Motherese sing song voice. Totally ineffectual. In the end, the children's friends stopped visiting because of the biting and they eventually rehomed that dog too.

It probably won't surprise you to learn that their children aren't very well-behaved or well disciplined either.

My dgd mum gentle parents and my dgd is an absolute horror.

although I think she veers on the side of permissive parenting tbh. If she doesn’t want to get ready for school she doesn’t .. and thus is always late.

she does have the patience of a saint with her but will negotiate and plead and give in.

shes a fantastic mum in other ways and I’d never say anything but it’s not great to see.

when she comes to mine dgd will try and push and get her own way. It doesn’t work with me and she hates it.

i was kind of between the two with my four, gentle versus authoritarian, I’d still validate their feelings and respect their boundaries but I still wouldn’t give in.!they’ve turned out alright although dd3 14 pushes her luck

I know. It is a good voice for children to learn language. I did it naturally as do most parents. It is not the voice to use when children do something wrong.

The people who feel the need to announce that they're gentle parents are often permissive parents/bad parents hiding behind a phrase they don't really understand/can't implement.

I do agree with you on this.

Children need to know it's ok to feel anxious sometimes but that's not the same as this is something you should feel anxious about.

That's when you validate their feelings eg I can see you are worried about this. Do you want to tell me why? But reassure them you love them and have faith in them and all they need to do is try their best so that they give it a go anyway.

That's very different to "Don't he silly, there's nothing to worry about."

Most people, whether they're angry, upset, scared or whatever only want to know that someone has heard and understood that.

If you let a child back out of something because they feel anxious, they'll never learn resilience.

Thank you for your apology.

firstly- I can’t recall it ever happening it public.

secondly- this is just siblings. Examples: they are playing together, she snatches a toy from him, he instead of politely asking for it back tries to grab it back and when she moves he grabs her or hits her. When they are playing she might want to join in and he doesn’t want her to. When she won’t leave him alone he might pushed her. Often two minutes later they are giggling together.

lots of my life is refereeing currently. Both of my children know how to play with others and often play together beautifully. But they are siblings and they often don’t. Equally sometimes she will hit/ push/ scratch him. And yes gentle parenting during this phase is hard and exhausting but it works and the benefits are huge. There are consequences to behaviour for both of them.

as previously requested, if you have a better way of parenting 2 siblings the same age as my children then I’d sincerely be interested to hear your methods. Because nobody said gentle parenting was easy! I am exhausted naming feelings and offering calm down areas but screaming at them to just stop fighting probably wouldn’t work. 🤷‍♀️ and generally my kids are great kids. I can take them anywhere, they get glowing reports from school And nursery settings, I took them swimming on my own the other day at a spa and was told by a member of the public how fantastic my children were. So yeah occasionally my children hurt each other as siblings do - but I’m not going too far wrong.

However, I’m always open to ideas.

@Nadeed the singing songs voice for small children is called Motherese and has been done for generations, Ms Rachel seems to be making a very lucrative career from it.

Every. Single, Person I have ever met who says they are a gentle parent does the sing songy voice. Every one.
I do firm tone down to their level. That is just called traditional parenting. Its been around for generations.

This is all helpful thank you . I think the discussing things in advance is a particularly good one as she is quite smart and does respond well to stuff like that

Thats a reasonable question.

i called because we didn't like to be late. Because she didn't like to be late so, if we were going to be late, we always rang the school to explain. And yes because she didn't think there'd he any conseqince ro her actions. She was trying to control the situation. And she was 5.

But it wasn't done to shame her or in a way that would cause her shame intentionally. She wasn't mocked or derided.

But she did also need to know there was a consequence of not getting ready for school and to see what that consequnce was.

So, What were my options? What were the alternatives?

Well, the alternative could have been her getting into school late and having to walk in late without any explanation, with the expectation that she might have been asked why she was late and have to give a reason herself and she wouldn't have liked that.

Or I could have shouted at her and threatened her with some after school punishment to be imposed 6 hours later so that she would put her shoes on. But that wouldn't have worked because she wpuld have shouted back. And 6 hours later, she'd have forgotten the shoe incident and been upset all over again about the injustice of a punishment when it was over and done with.

Or I could have wrestled with her to get her shoes on myself. She might have fought back and shouted/screamed. She would have resisted. I would have got more agitated and, yes, maybe become angry. I could have shouted, she could have become upset. Not a great start to the school.day.

Or I could have just left her playing until she felt like going into school herself. Which might have been, when? 9am? 10? In time for PE after lunch?

There are some aspects of it I don't necessarily agree with but I will defend it when people assume it's the same as no parenting or the only alternative is to 'shout at your kids' or you raise workshy, self centred individuals with no resilience because that's a complete misrepresentation of it.

As others have said, I want to be spoken to with respect and kindness and I want people to have empathy for others.

I don't want to be shouted at, made to feel ashamed or embarrassed if I make a mistake. And I'm assuming most other people don't either. Those people also include children.

@Nadeed So... We have then agreed in my first post.

Where has the sing song voice come from?
you absolutely need a firm tone.
down on their level, eye contact, stern face and firm tone. There is no doubt that when my child does something wrong that it is the wrong thing.

@BubblesNSnuggles the way you constantly say anything that people post is gentle parenting simply makes it seem like it is good parenting, except with a singy songy wishy washy voice at times. Is that really the only difference between gentle parenting and ordinary decent parenting?

I think this is where we get too caught up in it.
you are following the values of gentle parenting.
if an aspect of it isn’t working try something different for a little while. If you feel they know how to self regulate then explain in advance that the tantrums and behaviours being shown aren’t acceptable (be clear exactly what isn’t acceptable) and remind them how they can appropriately let out their emotions instead. explain you will be ignoring them when they behave like that but are right here for when they can behave in such and such a way.
then heavy praising when they do deal with situations that would normal cause a tantrum in a better way.

I also think as parents we can encourage anxiety by validating too much children's fears. I actually learned this first with a puppy pre kids.

I think by 5 having large meltdowns should be very infrequent.
pushing boundaries however is completely normal!
you’re not doing anything wrong; parenting is a minefield ♥️ I’d try make sure you are on the same page as her dad as far as dealing with it. If she behaves well at school the generally I’d say she has the ability to self regulate so doesn’t need to be having these tantrums. I’d explicitly chat to her about them when she is in a calm mood and discuss it properly.
and don’t be afraid to use external validation to help then through this phase. The odd sticker chart for a few weeks won’t damage Them!
and remember - we are their safe space. They feel safe to let big emotions out around us. The fact they are well behaved at school and only let it out at home is a good sign. x