Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

People are just describing parenting. The gentle parenting people are pretty out there. I have a friend who is a “gentle parent” . She believes that saying no to a child damages their development and they must always be allowed to chose their own path after having had the options and consequences explained to them. This is fully supported by all the cultish Facebook groups she’s on. That kid is now 7 and a little shit. Both his parents have had mental
health crises through exhaustion (and I suspect stress of parenting). But at least the kid is not brain damaged by being told “no”.

I don't think that not shouting at your children is gentle parenting.

Children are coming in to school who are badly behaved but in my opinion it's neglect not gentle parenting.

Parents are not saying no to their children because they can't be arsed. Easier to give them a phone or a packet of Haribo than to tell them off for jumping on the sofa so when they start school they are completely bewildered.

As a secondary teacher, I can tell you that the children with problematic behaviour aren’t the ones whose parents have listened to them and supported them through difficult situations, while holding clear boundaries (which is what gentle parenting is).

It’s the ones whose parents have been permissive and have therefore never had boundaries enforced so get the shock of their lives when school doesn’t back down. Or the ones who have been shouted at or hit their whole lives. At some point, children learn to zone out the shouting, learn that scary mum is not that scary so why bother listening to her. They then apply that logic to other adults in their life. That’s without even going into the emotional trauma they come into the classroom with of repeatedly not having had their emotional needs met.

I’m not saying shouting automatically leads to this of course - we all lose our rag sometimes! However, if shouting and fear is your default method of parenting then I do think you’re setting yourself and your children up for a whole host of future problems.

My children are too little to see if (true) gentle parenting works but I apply gentle parenting principles to my classroom management and have calm, purposeful lessons where even the usual ‘troublemakers’ settle down, so I’m a strong believer in its efficacy. I just think there’s a lot of misunderstanding around it, and a lot of confusion between gentle parenting and permissive parenting.

It depends on the situation. In my example above where my son snatched the car, the consequence was having the car removed from him and returned to his friend, and then I taught him a better way to resolve the situation.

If he hit another child I would pick him up and remove him from the vicinity of the child he hit and explain to him ‘I won’t let you hit so we’re going to sit here for a little while until your body feels calm again’, and then when he was calm we would talk about how to deal with a similar situation better next time.

If he refused to do something that was necessary for his safety, like put on a seatbelt, I would say ‘I understand you don’t want to wear your seatbelt. You need it to be safe. I’m going to do it up for you now to keep you safe’, then I would do it up and I would soothe any crying or distress that followed while holding firm that the belt was necessary.

And older children? Teens?

Gentle parenting, as you describe it, works.

The kids who are so badly behaved they're driving teachers out of schools are not being parented in this way, even if their parents are labelling it 'gentle parenting'.

Anyone can describe their philosophy as 'gentle parenting', they're not all following your definition though, there are all different variations of parenting that people label 'gentle'.

I do think that our greater understanding of child development hasn't reached the education system yet though and this does potentially cause issues for some schools in the very early years.

I don't know how people can get through a day.

I heard a woman yesterday negotiating with a child over a piece of cucumber his little brother had already sucked. "Of course you can have that one darling but it's a bit disgusting. Are you really sure you want that one."

It went on about 10 minutes. While there was an entire box of identical cucumber sat ready to eat.

If it had landed on the floor surely you'd just have said 'this one is dirty, it has to go in the bin, chose one of these'.

Perhaps it's not gentle parenting but this trend of overwhelming small children with choices doesn't really seem positive. Just drags things out forever.

You don't need to shout (though I admit I do on occasion. They get fair warning it will happen but if they carry on....) but firmness is essential.

I have lost count of seeing ineffectual parents trying to negotiate with children who are past the point of listening. It really isn't helpful to anyone and I admit to not knowing how they can survive a day because just listening to them drives me insane.

This is what I perceive as permissive parenting, because it allows three incidences of the unwanted behaviour before there is a consequence. I agree that it inevitably doesn’t work, because it is teaching the child there are no consequences for the first and second time they behave that way, and that they only need to change their behaviour when there is a raised voice.

In my experience the raised voice isn’t required if the boundary is firmly but respectfully upheld the first time.

No I don’t - certainly not from my experience of working in a secondary school where it’s evident which children have been so-called gently parented and struggle with authority or boundaries.
Our mental health counsellors would agree - these children form much of their caseload.

Usually natural or logical. It depends on the scenario. My son drew on the walls with felt pens, so I took the pens away and he helped me clean the wall. For example

I think it depends on the child.

For one of mine it would be fine she's very well behaved and an anxious child so shouting is not good for her. Talking about feelings and responsibility works well. My other one I do gentle parent most of the time but he needs a firmer hand at times because otherwise he would be feral. He has said to me he knows I love him and won't hurt him so he's safe (and can therefore not tidy up etc) he got shouted at for that. He also looses his iPad a lot. I need to interrupt his dangerous behaviour by shouting most days. He has special needs and people let him get away with too much it's teaching him to be a brat. There is a difference between meeting a child at their level and letting them rule

What consequences for bad behaviour are 'gentle parenting' parents using??

Well said.

I really dislike parenting labels like this. Good parents set boundaries and teach, consideration, empathy, respect and manners.

AS far as I 'm concerned there are good parents and bad parents, and that is it.

We didn't shout at or hit DD, and she has grown up into a kind and considerate adult.

I guess we must have been fairly strict because when DD created a Facebook account on her 13th birthday one of her friends was astounded that she hadn't already done so. DD replied that her parents would kill her if she had (we wouldn't).

I try to redirect first, ask nicely second and when that inevitably doesn't work I raise my voice firmly, only when my child is doing something that could hurt him. I.e. about to touch the hot oven door or standing up on a chair. Mine is only 1.5 years old and doesn't have the skills to understand explanation yet. He understands that my voice being loud is a signal to stop.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with it personally. It's nothing akin to physical discipline.

I think what we think gentle parenting is and what it should be are two different things. I had to stop myself from shouting at someone else's kid the other day, happily punching and kicking other toddlers at soft play while his mother softly whimpered at him to please, please calm down and really doing jack shit about the situation.

No. It doesn't.

Teacher. Mum of 4.

Teach your kids boundaries, consequences and "No". Please.

I agree with this. I planned to be a gentle parent but got a confident, determined child who pushes every boundary to the limit. Gentle parenting wasn't effective so I have adapted accordingly. For a gentle, sensitive child it's a perfect method.

I think it depends on what you mean by ‘works’ - what’s your aim? Perfect behaviour and compliance? Never questioning authority? Not expressing emotions?

A lot of people think they’re gentle parenting, but really they’re being permissive. They don’t want to hold a boundary, they don’t want to upset their children, and so nothing is learnt. Lots and lots people don’t appreciate what a boundary is, it’s something YOU will do as a parent that requires your child to do nothing. ie I won’t let you hit your sister so I’m going to move you/move her/get between you - waiting out the inevitable frustration, and talking it through later. It’s not ‘don’t hit your sister’ ‘don’t hit your sister’ ‘I SAID DONT HIT YOUR SISTER!’ ‘If you hit her again I’m turning the TV off’ (you light decide to turn the TV off if that’s the source of the arguing).

Gentle or respectful parenting 2 and 4 year olds as you have would largely be about appropriate expectations, space for their big feelings, and positive language (feet on the floor vs don’t climb, for example). I’d suggest joining a gentle parenting group on Facebook and reading actual info about it, how to talk so little kids will listen is a good start.

Honestly, no, I don’t think it does.

I think gentle and permissive parenting are sometimes confused- sometimes even by those doing the parenting.

One of the “prime” examples is the child who won’t put on their seat belt. The permissive parent allows the plane to be delayed and the family deboarded. The gentle parent says “I hear you don’t want to, but it is obligatory. You need to close your seatbelt now.”. Gentle parenting absolutely does have boundaries and natural consequences.
Obviously you have to have those conversations before you have parented your child into Verruca Salt.

I think I'm somewhere in between too probably on the gentle side, but I think some parents mistake gentle parenting for not setting any boundaries or disciplining at all!

My DDs are 9 & 13 and never had big issues with their behaviour, they're not perfect of course but they're lovely children and always behave well at school.

Just back from holiday in a family friendly hotel and the amount of badly behaved children we saw was unbelievable- shouting and running in the restaurant, walking right in front of people, jumping in the pool right on top of other people, playing football on the path and not bothering to stop when people walking past, all the kind of stuff that I would have said "look where you're going please" or "don't do that you just splashed that child" etc, yes babies and toddlers cry in restaurants but older toddlers are old enough for "stop that now or we leave" or at least be taken outside- not just be allowed to scream and whine for 20 minutes disturbing everyone else! Mostly the British kids unfortunately but did see some moments from other nationalities!

It's like parents feel like they need to completely indulge their children these days and never need to correct their behaviour.

There is a difference between having strong boundaries and needing to shout and/or hit.
There is also a difference between explaining things in an age appropriate way and letting children rule the roost.

In my personal experience 'gentle parenting' in practise means a lack of boundaries and hours of 'negotiating' with children. But this may well be if it is used incorrectly.

For example- my OH would never shout at our kids but if he says something must be done, it's done. My friend who encourages gentle parenting was telling me that her child refused to go on an expensive prearranged day out, and what can they do if he refuses to get in the car. Thus spoiling the whole family day out and wasting a £100 ticket. My kids would have been told - sorry but that's what we are doing today and expected to do it.