Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

I'm not sure what my/our patenting style is. We have clear rules, boundaries, and expectations. We do bear in mind where they are developmentally as well and use age appropriate language and discussion when needed and the same with discipline.

We don't shout unless they are likely to injure, endanger or massively fuck up something or themselves and their attention or the need to stop is immediate.

We also use accountability for them and ourselves, actions have consequences, and we do discuss these. Not at length but simple and clear explanation on why it's a no.

We are accountable as parents as well and always try to keep that in mind. For example if the 9yo starts to lose his shit seemingly over nothing or easily fusterated... I ask myself why? First, rather than jumping down his throat. It's usually because he's tired, done too much throughout the day, or is hungry, and I've missed those cues throughout the day. And, that's on me as a parent. I still let him know if his behaviour is unacceptable and address whatever needs, whether it's a snack or an earlier bedtime. There's also hormones at play starting around his age.

We teach our children to be kind, to respect themselves and others, especially someone in authority. We have family values and discuss those and always (try) to lead by example.

We're definitely not perfect and can snap when things are feeling frazzled with a baby and an older child.

So far, we have a well-adjusted kid who is polite, kind, and courteous. He's super intelligent and is able to be independent and also join into all family and other group activity. Excellent school reports, and every teacher or coach has always commented on what a joy he is to teach. That he is good role model and shows good values.

Who knows what the second kid will be like? It's too early to say. The first could just be dumb luck.

I don't think parenting is a one size fits all. Each person and family will have their own style that works for them. I do, however, think that emphasis on respect and authority are not taught as much at home or in school like it would have been done when we were younger. Both H and I are from large ish families and had authoritarian parents. Respect and fear were normal.

I would say the eldest is fearful of our disappointment but not anger. Based on things, that have popped up recently and he said he would rather we were angry at him than disappointed. Personally, I think that's alright and we'll see how thay goes in the next few years.

To be fair, I could have written it out differently without shouty letters.

I think with the current trend of labelling parenting styles we'll find out which have worked in 10-15 years.
I also think comparison is the thief of joy.
I was a single parent to 4 for most of my parenting years. 3 boys and 1 girl. I avoided the crappy e numbers (in the 80s and 90s) and even tho we were very very poor, fed them without too much crap. I made sure they understood that life has rules, and they grew up respectfully. They are all wonderful people, and we are close.
My (troubled) Mum said that it's 50% instinct and 50% common sense. I like to think that she was correct.

Again, I didn't see any mistake... And I'd never correct anyone like that! I'd be a pretty crap authoritative parent if I did! Apologies for any confusion

Hit the nail on the head in the first few posts.

The biggest problem right now is the number of people masquerading permissive parenting as gentle parenting. No boundaries, no correcting bad behaviour, just letting their children run cause chaos. Doesn't make a difference why they do this, its shit parenting all round.

FWIW I don't follow any particular type of parenting but I can say with certainty the way I deal with one of my children doesn't work for the other so I act according to their needs.

I want Gentle Parenting to work for me, but I still find that I need to shout on occasion in order for my children (2 and 4) to take me seriously. I also am not perfect and get overwhelmed and wind up yelling.

My eldest is particularly challenging. He is being assessed for ADHD and sometimes I could explain why he shouldn't do something until I'm blue in the face, but he doesn't hear me, if that makes sense. He lacks impulse control and often does things despite being aware of boundaries (which are invariably enforced). While he is often sad about the shouting and wants a cuddle, it is effective about getting his attention and focus, and he adjusts his behaviour accordingly. No amount of "kind hands" or gentle reminders help.

I have a friend who exclusively uses Gentle Parenting with her daughters (4, 2, and newborn). They are immaculately well-behaved, but have much more calm and eager-to-please personalities than my feral boys.

I am not correcting any mistake...? I never even noticed one? I am clarifying the two terms as they are easily confused. I worried that if said "authoritative", people might assume I was referring to "authoritarian" (=rigid and losing temper etc, which you correctly referred to in your Op)

When kids were very little I would step in and stop them from doing things if needed. Redirect.
Physically remove them from the situation.

(They snatch a toy, I remove it and return it to the other child, tell them they need to ask nicely/wait etc and give them a hug if they were upset. They hit another child, I pick them up and move them away, have a word with them, ask them to apologise to other child and/or check if they were ok. That kind of thing. Repeated incidents like that we'd just go home.)

I've always tried to explain clearly, and also connect with them. Listen to their side of things but stay firm.

They know I have high expectations in terms of how we treat other people. If I ever thought they were being unkind to someone I would pull them up on it and I think so far they have enough respect for me that they would take it on board. They're both lovely kids and very concerned if they think someone else is being treated unfairly or unkindly.

I don't really shout at them (though I have done at times).

I don't think we've ever used consequences like removing screen time or grounding.

They're well behaved at school (going into y11 and y9 now) and don't cause us any particular issues at home in terms of anything that would require consequences. I have plenty of friends with teens who have had various issues though, and appreciate in the next few years things could change and we'd have to rethink!

What does "gentle parenting" actually mean though? Permissiveness and never saying no? Over-explaining and over-focusing on every emotion that they experience? Or just treating your child fairly?? There's a lot that the term might encompass.

Instead of focusing on the label "gentle parenting", you might find it more helpful to find out more about AUTHORITATIVE (not authoritarian) parenting approaches, i.e. treating your child respectfully and helping them to consider others, but also not taking any shit 😁

I think I probably gentle parent - but unofficially, as I've never read a book on it, and it's not conscious, it's just how it goes.

I do have very firm boundaries and expectations, but I've never had to get properly cross with the children (although I have had a couple of face-offs with them - over things so small that I don't even remember what they were, which given how stubborn they are, I obviously had to win and not back down on in order to maintain my authority!) - I assume there will be more as they progress through teenage-hood (they're tweens).

One of the things I've always prioritised is not having pointless rules, and that they should always (to an age appropriate level) understand the reason for a rule. This means that I won't say 'no' to something unless I can think of a decent reason - eg. 'Can I bake a cake mum' - would generally be yes, unless it's right before we have to go somewhere, or they've already baked a cake yesterday, or some other proper reason - which I would give them, and allow them a reasonable attempt at persuading me - although if I say 'no' again, then I expect it to be obeyed.

There is loads of research that indicates that both permissive and authoritarian parenting leads to poor outcomes. Obviously being scared of your parents is not right - this is not how I was raised at all, even in the 80’s, I don’t think most kids were scared of their parents. I don’t think gentle parenting is permissive parenting either although they are often mixed up.

I don’t buy into the idea that this generation of parents are doing it all wrong. But if I was to nit pick there are some parents, who aim to gentle parent who meet their kids needs so much that I personally think it ends up causing anxiety in the child. Like an (older) child who won’t go to sleep alone for example - mollycoddling them and sitting beside them each night is letting them know that they have something to be worried about. Encouraging them with empathy and kindness that they can do it alone as there is nothing to be scared off is more effective and ultimately better for them. Smoothing the road and protecting kids from everything doesn’t work.

but who knows, I’m just muddling through like most people. I don’t fully do any parenting style.

I think it depends on the child, and also your definition of gentle parenting. We have always used gentle parenting and my eldest two are now in their teens and are lovely, gentle, kind boys who have never been in trouble or even had a negative comment from a teacher or anyone else. One is heavily into drama and the other just likes to hangout with his group of friends who are also lovely young people.

We were on a long, delayed train journey yesterday and my three sat quietly the whole journey and whispered if they needed to speak. The children opposite us had feet on seats, were extremely loud, rude to their mum, using language inappropriate for children and one refused to use the headphones he had and so was listening to YouTube loudly from a phone. Mum would intermittently tell them off but ultimately didn't make them take their feet off the seats or insist on the use of headphones. She might call this gentle parenting, but it really isn't because she's not actually parenting.

That's not gentle parenting, that's permissive parenting as described above.

And yes, the person who you've seen doing that is mad.

So not gentle parenting.

Children 100% need boundaries - not to provide these is very bad parenting as children feel frightened by too much power - they need the adults around them to be in control so they can feel safe.

How those boundaries are monitored/enforced/policed is a matter for individual parents to decide. But the important thing is that if one method is not working then another must be tried (short of cruelty/smacking/emotional put-downs of course) because the prime consideration is making sure those boundaries are there for the child's well-being.

As the OP points out, the basic principle is to understand what an individual child is capable of at each stage of their development - and this will vary for every child. False expectations cause so much trouble in parenting - it is no good expecting a 2 year old to have the understanding of a 6 year old - or indeed of an adult as some parents seem to expect! So the enforcement of boundaries will be different for each child at each stage.

Some of the gentle parenting has false expectations of children - a lengthy explanation of why it is wrong to do something is inappropriate for a child who cannot yet understand such concepts - a firm No and a distraction tactic would be more sensible. I have watched parents gently trying to explain something to a child who is too young to understand - which is pretty pointless!

Underlying all this is a respect for the child and who they really are at a particular point in their development.

The approach I have seen is that after explaining that people would be sad if child scribbled on their things, the child could decide if they cared and carry in. It’s madness.

If you're a good parent it probably is your everyday parenting.

Not so for all children unfortunately!

I was very gentle with DC1, explaining, offering alternatives, while still holding firm boundaries, discussing his feelings etc. By the time I got to DC3 I quite frankly didn’t have time to do that with three different kids and three different sets of reasons why not.

If necessary I tell them what to do and they do it, I have no idea what I would do if they didn’t because we’ve never got that far. I don’t shout, and rarely need to punish. I think we all know where we stand and what the expectations of behaviour are.
They are all fabulous kids, I love spending time with them and I’m so proud of them all.

Children need clear consistent boundaries and structures. That can be achieved without even shouting or hitting. My kids were always told off for bad behaviour (hitting siblings etc) and we had the naughty step but never shouted. There was also plenty of space to talk over things after they calmed down. They seem to have grown up fine.

Just sounds like everyday parenting to me

The same.

In PP's example, the toddler couldn't use pens responsibly so they were taken away.

If a teen can't use their phone responsibly, it's taken away.

It's the natural/logical outcome wherever possible.

It should also be the case that a teen who has been parented gently (rather than with fear) is easier to manage as a teen anyway. One of the reasons parents lose control of their teens is because they're losing their power over them, the teens aren't as scared as the toddlers!

It depends on the behaviour, for many natural consequences, our daughter is two, so for her most things can work with natural consequence as it will be things like tipping out toy boxes etc. So if she tips out all the duplo she is clearly and calmly told if she chooses not to put it back in the box that means she will be unable to play with it, but if she does tidy it up she can play with it. So if doesn’t start putting away one of us will and then we’ll remove the box straight away, so it and its contents can’t be played with. Obviously like with any behaviour we explain why its right/wrong.

If she throws something she’s told throwing isn’t safe and that we’ll have to remove that toy from her as she could hurt herself/someone, that toy is then removed and put away so she can’t play with it.

Our sons older, so its mainly about using positive language and staying calm, punishment depends. We have boundaries and our son knows that, he also knows things like xbox, playing out, certain toys etc aren’t a given right. So he knows if he comes home late he won’t be allowed to go to the park, if he’s rude and won’t get off his xbox when told what time he needs to turn it off we’ll just remove his access to it etc. Punishment isn’t different in gentle parent, how you give it and how you explain the behaviour etc is.