Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

I have given suggestions and described my own parenting, both in quote responses and upthread. In fact I said high expectations is what I use, I didn't say yours were too low. You could argue mine are too high. But I understand if you feel we're not getting anywhere, and I won't labour the point.

You said I'm going to let my child know how lucky they are to be breathing the same air as your angelic offspring. I still stand by what I said I didn't take my eyes of my children at other people's houses when they where babies and toddlers. I never said I taught them not to touch from a newborn you made that up. I never said I didn't need baby proofing I said I didn't move breakable things as I never needed to again something else you created in your own mind. I said I taught them from being a baby to say ta which developed to please and thankyou as their speech developed this is very normal. I am not a liar and I'm 22 about to turn 23 so definitely not old as you put it. I just taught my children manners and respect from a young age if you instill this in your children from the start it sticks. You can say no without shouting you just keep saying it and moving them away they will soon learn it's not theirs to touch it's about firm boundaries and consistency.

Grow up, I didn't say anything about your children.

If you come on Mumsnet going on about how you never once took your eyes of your child in someone else's house, taught them never to touch someone else's belongings from being a newborn baby, never needed any baby-proofing because you were just so diligent and trained them so gosh-darn well, and they had perfect manners from the moment they could speak, people are going to take the piss because it's obviously bollocks. Whether you're a liar or just really old and have forgotten that your kids were not the perfect angels you remember, I don't know or care.

I'm not in the least bit angry, I couldn't care less about your fantasies of perfect motherhood.

My daughter is polite, well-behaved, confident and happy and I've never needed to shout at her. She once broke a gravy boat 2 years ago, I think everyone is well and truly over it, but I'd prefer to put expensive china on a high shelf rather than shout at a 2 yo about it.

I believe some of us are getting a little irritated on the thread - we have joined in a conversation on whether gentle parenting works and we’re enjoying sharing our opinions and experiences and hearing others.

however in the later stages of the conversation some people have got personal with suggesting that people’s parenting is wishy washy, their expectations aren’t high enough, they don’t watch their child every second of the day, that they have anger issues.

none us are perfect parents but we are all trying our best - the eye roll is an expression of irritation that I’m allowed to feel when my parenting is being criticised.

repeatedly I have asked for your suggestions but received none. I am now bowing out of the conversation as I refuse to waste any more of my time trying to have a discussion about gentle parenting when i am receiving criticism that wasn’t asked for nor deserved and get no helpful feedback despite asking for it.

my wishy washy, low expectations have raised me two wonderful children. I have witnessed some truly horrific parenting and I know that mine, whilst not perfect, is the best that I can do.

I absolutely did not call your child entitled or said anything about your child so I would appreciate if you didn't say sarcastic comments about mine. If you want to repeatedly say passive aggressive comments about my parenting to make yourself feel better that is fine but do not speak about my children as that is crossing a line. I think you need help as your reactions are not normal.

I don't understand the eye roll... you have said that it's normal for a 5yo to hit. I've said I don't think it's normal. It's literally a difference in expectations, that's not a judgemental statement? Just a statement of fact.

What an earth do you mean, angry? I have said nothing but how very impressed I am with your perfect parenting and perfect children. You have indeed been very polite, telling me calmly how my child is entitled, I have no respect for other people's homes and I don't value manners, all based on the fact that my child broke one item 2 years ago, and I have very much appreciated all the valuable feedback and advice on how I too could be flawless like you, so I'm devastated to hear that you feel insulted. I can only dream of reaching your standards of parenting and I'm going to make sure my child knows how very lucky she is to be breathing the same air as your angelic offspring.

You still haven't answered why your so angry. You've insulted me repeatedly for several messages iv stayed calmed and been polite to you. But you seem to have struggles with controlling your anger. There are people who can help with these things if this is something you struggle with in life as I would hate to think you lose your temper this quick with your children. Maybe it's something you need to look into for their sake

Oh, clearly I am a terrible teacher, because despite teaching my child sometimes she still occasionally forgets things, even now, at 4. Forget the eyes, I think your services are best needed in education. Just think, rows of children with perfect manners getting 100% on every test, with your tried and tested method of teaching children to never, ever forget things or make mistakes, even from aged 2. Truly very impressive. I'm in awe.

So what did the 'dad look' mean? There must have been a reason for you to take notice of it and behave..?

Both my boys say even now they listened to me more than their dad as I would explain and they knew if I gave them the look that was it. What was it? What would follow?

Why are you so mad. Did you not teach your child to say ta from being a baby then please and thankyou as their language developed. Again very basic parenting. Manners may not be important to you but they are to me so something I instilled in my children

I’m nearly 60 and my parents had 2 different ways of parenting. My mum would hit you with whatever came to hand first and even now says it didn’t do us any harm. My dad never raised a voice or hand but would just give us the dad look, that was enough. When I had my children over 35 years ago I decided to parent like my dad and my husband never touched my boys but would shout and threaten. Both my boys say even now they listened to me more than their dad as I would explain and they knew if I gave them the look that was it. Children need boundaries not discipline. My respect for my dad is immense but for my mum zero 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wow, your children said please and thank you every single time at the age of 2 and never, ever forgot? I think we need video footage and some witnesses for these angel babies you bore. I'm guessing they were both products of a virgin birth? And for you to never, ever take your eyes off them for weeks at a time, that's just incredible. I hope you donate your eyes to medical science, then we can all stare, unblinking, for hours at a time.

A hot drink absolutely as its dangerous but breakables never needed to they was taught the word no from very young they knew not to touch other peoples things they would obviously need reminding at times just like please and thankyou if you say it enough it sinks in and becomes second nature but I'm very big on manners and respect so it was always just natural to them. I would also watch them like a hawk at other people's houses as that is someone else's home and should be respected.

I do not.
i believe the poster said they were at her parents? Forgive me if I’m wrong.
when my children at their grandparents my parents/ in laws usually ensure anything damage is out of reach - or they did. Mine are no longer at an age where that sort of accident might happen.
but at 1/2 years old it’s always best to remove breakables out of the way of young children. Now of course this is at the house of a close family member where my children can be almost as relaxed as at home. Anyone else’s house of course I would not expect the same, we would not be there for longer periods of time and I would be able to watch my children constantly.

if you had a very young children round would you place a hot drink within their reach? Of course not. It’s a balance of adults keeping eyes on children and taking precautions.

but it doesn’t matter what I say - in some way it will be wrong or neglectful or cruel or something.

my children are quite frankly brilliant. Sometimes do the wrong thing because they are CHILDREN. I work ridiculously hard to parent them the best I can. And that’s all that can asked.

we may have different ways of parenting but I know my way is the best way for my children within my family.

We were living there temporarily.

I'm not really interested in engaging further with you, I'm glad you feel like you did such a perfect job of parenting but I am a human and sometimes I took my eyes of my toddler. If you can't relate to that then well done to you, we have nothing to discuss.

I never shouted at her and now she's old enough to understand she doesn't go around breaking things.

Do you also tell family members to babyproof their homes so that you don't have to watch your child or teach them not to touch other people's things

What are you talking about this is basic parenting where talking about the bare minimum. You watch small children and teach them from babies not to touch things that aren't theirs. I don't know why your getting mad and talking about trophies this is what parenting is. You was in somebody else's home and you said you wasn't watching your child and they found a gravy boat and smashed it you then expected them to baby proof their home Instead of you actually watching your child and teaching them to not touch things that don't belong to them.

Sounds very much like my children.

maybe we are doing a pretty good job after all 😊 x

Well, you're in good company as my child- bar the gravy boat incident- is very well-behaved, and well-loved wherever she goes. She starts school in September and her new teacher made a point of coming over to tell me how polite and well-behaved she had been at her settling session. I won't be taking up shouting regularly any time soon.

The one time I did shout was when she stood on my bed and put the cord for the blind around her neck, I shouted for her to take it off and never touch it again. The fact that I hadn't ever shouted before was enough to impress upon her that it was really serious and she never went near it again, and we got rid of the blinds eventually.

I'd rather save occasional shouting for when it really matters.

And I certainly will not be helicoptering after her at all times as different seems to think is preferable.

This article has some links, but it's agreed by all major experts that a firm but democratic style- i.e. authoritative- is the best. I don't think anyone could argue that permissive, authoritarian or neglectful have any advantages that authoritative does not.

https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/authoritative-parenting-the-pros-and-cons-according-to-a-child-psychologist/#:~:text=While%20there's%20no%20perfect%20way,takes%20kids'%20feelings%20into%20account.

You must be like me and not have high enough expectations of your child 🙄

So for the third time - how do you respond when your children fall out? what would you do differently?

I can assure you my expectations are more than high enough thank you. Once again, an insult to suggest that clearly my expectations must be lower than yours.
No, neither of them hitting anyone meets my expectations which is why I am teaching them not to. My 2 - 3 next month - year old is a typical toddler and often wants her own way. This can often be hard for a 5 year old to deal with in a play situation and when they are repeatedly together he is bound to get frustrated sometimes. Occasionally he doesn’t deal with this in the right way.

also please be mindful that all children are different. My first child is very calm and laid back and I thought I had parenting nailed. Then my youngest arrived and is a wild child and I realised that actually it is not that some parents are better than others (though of course we know from our jobs - yes, same cohort- that some parents don’t actually parent at all!) but that all children are different and some are harder in certain ways than others.

a harsh consequence would be dragging him to school in his pjs. Or taking him in late and explaining to his teacher he's late because he wouldn't get ready. That seems much more traumatising than shouting WILL YOU JUST GET READY NOW OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE SPENDING ALL EVENING IN YOUR BEDROOM. Or something similar. Yet the shouting is deemed abusive than the natural consequence...

100% - this is what I’ve started to think. Sometimes what most closely resembles the “natural consequence” seems a hella lot crueller and often disproportionate compared to a more traditional “no nonsense” approach