Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

You parent the kids you have. I fit the gentle parenting type, my kids are kind and well behaved and even now my eldest is - teen I regularly get compliments on how lovely they are.
I think permissive parenting is damaging for both parent and chidk and is often mixed up with gentle parenting.

I've been wondering what gentle parenting is, so thank you for your explanation, OP.

My DCs are 20 and 22 and i would say my parenting style is gentle. it works.

Both my DCs are very polite and hard working and always gave been. So much so that they still meet up regularly with their head of 6th form.

i think the problem your teacher friends are talking about is a lack of boundaries. i have come across a few kids in my time who do not seem to have any rules to follow - no bed time (or a ridiculously late one), no household chores, no teaching of simple manners such as how to eat nicely at the table.

The other thing that comes to mind is some parents just do not put in the effort to spend time with their kids (exDP i'm looking at you). i'm not necessarily talking about big days out but i do i mean simple things like reading stories and taking the time to talk to your children. i think this makes them feel more secure.

I have worked in education for 20 years and my own observation is that gentle parenting is misunderstood and turns into permissive parenting. A gentle parent should have firm boundaries but be patient and calm in how they are enforced. They pick battleswiselyandgive appropriate choices. A permissive parent is scared to say no and does anything to keep the peace. Unfortunately it's this I am seeing too much of.

I'm so sorry that happened but that is definitely not gentle parenting, that is bad parenting!

For pp I was pointing out that the natural consequence would be getting wet, not getting in the car and going home. Of course a child shouldn't be left in wet clothes all day.

What is my problem? Kids hitting my child. It has happened. The anecdote I've described has happened.

I guess I'm not a gentle parent, but an authoritative parent - but still, I see that as gentle - there's plenty of hugs, no yelling, never needed physical punishment or consequences (beyond natural ones that I probably warned them about), 'no' is rarely needed because reasons are already explained, so I think it's gentle too.

We don't shout unless they are likely to injure, endanger or massively fuck up something or themselves and their attention or the need to stop is immediate.

This is key. If I'm shouting, then it's an emergency (eg. 'DUCK!').

I do also have the 'do not mess with me right now voice' which signals that negotiations are over.

BUT to me, gentle parenting is recognising that these are little humans, who will screw up (just as I do sometimes) - eg. If someone breaks a glass, then there might be a yell 'STAND STILL!' so they don't cut their feet, and if they broke it because they were being silly, then I'll feed that back with some of the mum voice that next time don't do that, but then we'll just tidy it up and get on with our day. I break glasses and spill things too. Accidents happen.

It's all about being reasonable in my mind.

I don't like the term 'gentle parenting'. It conjures up pictures of wishy washy people uttering 'please don't do that' to their children instead of actually managing the situation.

I prefer authoritative parenting, natural consequences and age appropriate parenting.

I am not a fan of authoritarian parenting that is all about forcing children to comply and punishing for behaviours that are developmentally appropriate for their age.

I think most of us try a range of different methods to see what works with our children - and for mine, different methods worked for different children. Each of my children has presented different challenges, and has required different ways of managing them - I have made many many mistakes along the way but I'm always looking to improve my parenting skills.

I think parenting is a set of skills that need to be developed over time. I don't think it's a one size fits all or that you can develop them all before you meet your children.

And be wet and cold all day? Natural consequences are frequently rather unkind.

But then if it’s cold outside, he’d be miserable for the rest of the day which is probably OTT for being a bit mischievous. The PP told him off and her response was normal and natural. He felt sheepish for a few minutes but then it was over and done with and they could get on and enjoy their day.
I’d far rather be a child in that sort of family.

I think a lot of people mistake gentle parenting for no parenting. Proper gentle parenting is hard work, you are constantly needing to diffuse and distract and impose form boundaries with consequences that are not violence.
My Dsis does this very well but she is a trained teacher of young children and knows how to do it effectively.
Leaving your kids to run wild around supermarkets destroying everything in their wake is not gentle parenting.

The natural consequence would be that he got wet

The ‘I will take you home if you don’t do XYZ’ only really works if you have one child I think.

I guess my parenting style is somewhere between the two. I'm a long-time primary school teacher, so I am used to ruling the roost and being obeyed. I think that's carried over into my parenting. I'm a stickler for manners and things like not interrupting adults when they're talking. Some might see that as old-school. I try and get them to understand that I'm not asking them to do certain things just for shits and giggles, there is a purpose.
I'm a big believer in natural consequences and letting my children discover them for themselves.

I would question whether the natural consequence is always the kindest.

So we went to a farm yesterday and my son put on the tap which was a bit too powerful and squirted. He'd washed his hands so I told him not to do it again. Saw him messing still while I sorted my daughter. Warned him again.

But the thing was like a big red flashing button to him and he put it on (despite having no need of water) and it sprayed everywhere.

I told him off. He looked sheepish, was a bit embarrassed and apologised. I set out that when I've told him twice and he ignores me he will get shouted at

End of. We moved on, had nice day and he was good as gold and very careful with taps the rest of the day

Was dragging the whole family home a kinder way to deal with it? We'd travelled an hour and he understands that there was a cost to get in. If I'd taken him home he'd have been really upset.

Minor misdemeanors get a quick telling off and we move on. I am not sure whether having an interview depth think about his behaviour would help. But also that if you spray another person with water they are likely to get cross (even more so if they aren't your mother!)

I don't think that sounds like gentle parenting imo.
Also shouting 'you'll lose your toy' and not carrying out the threat will have more consequences than a child losing a toy for 10 minutes or a day etc

Yep. That worked for me. 👍

The child sort of stopped whinging, but looked very crushed. The mum hardly made eye contact, spoke in a “gentle “ low tone and was ruthlessly consistent.
In terms of removing privileges, I also think it’s too cold and cruel a response. Threatening (in a shouty way) to remove toys etc seems more natural and warm somehow

Conversations and explanations are beyond the capacity of young children. This is often the mistake made, people don’t consider the cognitive capacity of the child.

Natural consequences are fine.

This is why it’s not massively effective in a classroom setting.

As I (used to) like to say on the Facebook group, it’s gentle parenting, not gentle teaching or gentle grandparenting. If good teaching was as simple as asking a child a question it would be very easy indeed.

So your first assumption would be that the child is not doing the exercise as an act of protest? As a teacher, you wouldn’t try to understand the underlying reasons for the child not completing the work?
You wouldn’t check that they understand what you are asking them to do? That they have a full grasp of the concepts studied in previous lessons? Check that they were actually present at the lesson these concepts were studied?
I work clinically and if someone comes to me unable to tie their shoelaces, I don’t assume they have ideological objection to wearing shoes. I have to do an assessment and find out a reason. Do they understand the concept of what shoelaces are, do they have manual dexterity, bilateral coordination, are they suffering with unilateral neglect, are they able to plan and sequence the activity etc etc. Based on my findings, we see at which stage the activity is breaking down and come up with a plan as to how modify the activity and overcome the barriers. And, yes, sometimes they may still lack motivation to work on the resolution and I need a whole other assessment to understand their value system and motivational drives. Or sometimes, I even might suggest an alternative solution which removes the need for shoelaces altogether.
I might be wrong but I am under the impression that pedagogy involves considering pupil’s needs and applying a variety of teaching strategies to engage the pupils in learning. How can these strategies be applied if we don’t know what the needs of the students are because we didn’t bother asking them? As far as I understand (and, again, I might be wrong) detention is not a learning strategy and appears to have very little effect on academic performance.

Personally I find the concept of “consequences” eg removal of toys and privileges for small children more cruel and cold than some honest raised voice which the child is not frightened of because 99% of the time their parents are warm and loving to them. Think Italian families etc… everyone shouts ( and even in the 1970s/80s a swipe of a tea towel might be randomly flung in their direction) but the children know they are absolutely adored and it’s a flash in the pan.
I witnessed gentle parenting in a shop the other day… the young mum was cool and calculated and extremely consistent with her replies to her whinging daughter) but that daughter looked crushed. To be honest I was afraid!! She was such a cold fish. I’d far rather have an Italian mum raise her voice, because I’d probably have recognised frustration rather than anger and would know that ( without formal apologies/explanations) there would be cuddles/laughs shortly afterwards.
Children themselves shout at each other and moments later are best friends, so they DO understand these emotions.

@tiggergoesbounce ofcourse there are parents that respond like that, my neighbour is one of them and you are correct it is both vile and abusive but it absolutely does happen behind some closed doors.

Just this morning I've already heard "Stop fucking crying over that ball or I'll give you something to fucking cry about...If you carry on like that I'm putting it in the fucking bin." Then she put something in the outside bin and they crying escalated. And that's my Sunday, I have reported them before but the boys are clean and tidy so nothing will happen.