Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

@Girliefriendlikespuppies this has always been one of my gut feelings about gentle parenting (how it's often practiced) - children are incredibly perceptive of adults' emotions and I find it so jarring to hear a parent either talking about being Very Cross with a blank face, or (even worse imo) using the gentle parenting scripts and gentle voice when they're clearly simmering with rage underneath. Kids can hear the rage underneath. I definitely shout a bit too much but I do genuinely believe it's healthier and more honest as another poster said to just briefly shout when you're pissed off, than give your child a long drawn out earful through gritted teeth about how their behaviour wasn't nice.

But @DaisyFloop he didn't get wet. I did. Should I have fired the tap at him?

I mean, I'd probably have enjoyed it but not sure it is the correct lesson to teach.

That's not how definitions work, though. Or else we'll end up doubting even the most basic of concepts because of the whims of some people... oh, wait!

I don't think the problems in schools are about gentle parenting. I think it's a lack of support services and unmet needs in both the kids and parents. Also since Covid the absolute authority of schools has been questioned more. I think there is evidence that gentle parenting helps to raise more emotional strong adults, if done properly.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies do you remember where you came across that research about calm/passive facial expressions?
Thanks.

There's a difference between permissive and gentle parenting.

The brats you'll see are/were more likely to have permissive parenting i.e allowed what they wanted, given something to stop them from crying etc. Whereas gentle parenting is acknowledging the emotion whilst still holding boundaries.

I am a shouty person, not going to lie there in the slightest. The difference between my parenting and that of my parents is massive still though. My parents were emotionally stunted and if my brother or I had feelings then threats were made and told to 'grow up' or 'stop crying like a baby'. Whereas with my own kids I'll name the emotions whilst still holding the boundary. For example "I know that you are really sad leaving the park, it's hard to stop something that you are enjoying. We need to leave to collect X from school. I look forward playing with you at the park tomorrow".

Gentle parents seem to think everyone else scream at and hits their kids and their children are terrified of their parents. As if there is no half way house between - Gentle hands as your child bashes a child repeatedly, and a large wallop and STOP THAT NOW.

I admire people who can pull off genuine gentle parenting. I’m glad I didn’t put much thought into parenting styles before I had my dd because it turned out she is lovely but a bit of a handful, very energetic and extroverted, whereas I’m extremely introverted and don’t handle stress well, especially combined with tiredness.
I’m getting better and learning as I go along but following an actual parenting style is unfortunately way beyond me.

I think there was a similar thread recently about whether modern parenting techniques are harming kids.

There's been some research that shows kids get very confused by passive facial expressions if they've been naughty. It's much easier for them to understand 'I've been naughty, mummy is cross' if mummy actually looks cross.

Op your parenting sounds normal, I think most of us just try our best knowing we won't always get it right but hoping we do some of the time 🤷‍♀️

Tbh, if you put the groundwork in during the childhood years, there is less of a need for 'consequences' in the teen years.

I think you need both. I see lots of parents shouting at their kids, often with no explanation of consequences (eg. Stop hitting your sister, without: it could hurt her). Dont think all kids have the emotional intelligence (or care) if they are hurting someone/something like dropping litter so need consequences imo.

Generally not on a hot summers day, no.

I think there tends to be natural consequences: so if you are three and decide not to put on your coat- then you get cold (but luckily I was carrying it for you).
I think many gentle parents are quite strict with regards to bed time, not having junk food available, and screen time. The also practice good habits in terms of table manners; they talk about respect and doing the right thing.

As teenagers, they would cut off the money supply.

I agree.

Taking the whole family home would be a punishment imposed upon everyone.

The natural consequence was that he got a bit wet on a hot summer's day and was a bit uncomfortable until he dried out. He was hardly going to have been in wet clothes all day as someone suggested.

The natural consequence of messing around with water is getting wet. Don't want to walk around in wet clothes? Don't mess around with a tap you've been told to leave alone.

Gentle parenting, yes. Letting kids run amok, taking no responsibility and calling it “gentle parenting”, no.

You don't need to shout and I never shout in class but kids need clear boundaries and consistency.

As a teacher I say no. The children come into school and can't follow rules. There needs to be a balance.

Well, yes, you can pull it apart untill the cows come home but if you strip it back this is what you have done:
-offered her a limited number of choices
-outlined the boundaries
-acknowledged her feelings
-gave her a chance of correcting her behaviour
-removed from the situation when she failed to self- regulate
-remained consistent with your boundaries

All things consistent with gentle parenting.
Permissive parenting would have been to play with her on demand and authoritarian parenting would be to shout at her without explaining the boundaries and giving her a chance to correct. Authoritative parenting and gentle parenting are not mutually exclusive.

Nobody is saying that gentle parenting is a magic bullet that works immediately and without fail. It's a process allowing the child to learn and develop over time. The only thing I would question is whether the way you worded your request to her was age-appropriate. Now she is calm, I would go in and have a chat to her about why she got upset and see if you can come up with a solution for the next time.

For really little ones the fewer words and more simple the better. I use 'first and then' 'first I'm putting baby to sleep then we play' quiet like a mouse or you have to wait in your room.
Depending on understanding you can then chat afterwards about the situation.

This, 100 per cent. I brought mine up to know that no meant no, no argument. A teacher who took DS1 on a European trip spelled out to parents that this trip is not a democracy. They will get up when staff say they need to be up etc. Well said.

You need to put the work in during the early years so they know what you expect in terms of behaviour. If NT, they should then be able to sit still and eat a meal, with reasonably good manners, for example. When they’re older, it’s then much easier than dealing with self-centred, indulged kids.

@flowermo I've been a teacher for ten years and currently have a 3 year old and a newborn. I think I would have done similar to you but probably issues the consequence of 'if you make noise and keep your sibling awake, mummy can't play with you'. I would look at it as 'maybe she goes nuts today and he gets no nap'. But if I address this now then in future this won't reoccur.

I think my parenting is gentle - no shouting, hitting, we blame the behaviour not the child. But I think the difference between that and ineffective parenting is parents who choose not to address the behaviour now and let the situation continue each day at nap time which teaches the child no boundaries. You did tell her not to do it which is a good thing. Some parents don't and the kids in school struggle because they just don't have boundaries. It's really hard to think of a related natural or appropriate consequence that will kick in soon though. I don't like the 'we will go home' one and try really hard to think of alternative consequences e.g. 'you have to sit in the trolley for running off' before using the nuclear button of going home.

I have sympathy with stress of her 'going nuts' though. My toddler has been know to lose it for a solid hour and a half before the situation is resolved. I'm just hoping that the fact the same situation doesn't repeat means she is learning the boundary effectively.

I come across lots of children. Well behaved children really do stand out.
You need to teach your child that there are times when they need to be quiet. That other adults doing work do not want to hear them, that the adult working is speaking only to mum/dad and they have a job to do.
Teach them that they are not the centre of the universe and quite frankly other adults are concentrating on working.
This might sound harsh but for example the mechanic carrying out an MOT is not there to give a running commentary on what is happening. Neither do they appreciate a child being left to scream or shout In their work place. Or touch equipment.
Whatever this type of parenting is, it is very lazy.

You haven’t u aerators natural consequences. A natural consequence was he got wet.

Taking the whole family home is a million miles off a natural consequence.

I'm a teacher of similar number of years experience and I'd agree with this completely.

Gentle parenting in my of itself is respectful, empathetic, and relies on boundaries.

Permissive parenting is weak, fearful and lacks boundaries.