Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

I’m really interested why your 2 year old is allowed feelings about say leaving the park, but your 4 year old isn’t. Them throwing a tantrum while you leave the park isn’t them ‘stomping their feet to get their way’ they’re disappointed, and that’s allowed. Hold your boundary - we are leaving the park, AND you can be sad about that.

In the example you gave about putting your son down, I wonder if she really understood what ‘patient’ meant. Of course she found waiting hard! Sternly telling her you’ve had enough of her disturbing her brother isn’t ungentle. Gentle doesn’t mean thousands of words or excessive explanations, and even if you explain clearly and concisely doesn’t mean they’re rational enough to magically regulate themselves and go ‘ah yes of course!’. I’d explain less, and do more, in general.

How old are
your children? How many do you have?

It depends entirely on child

Gentle parenting is absolute bullshit and I'm genuinely terrified to see the outcome in a few years.

It’s not simple, it takes a lot of work and consistent effort. It does, however, work and the effort it takes is repaid multiple times over.

I have mostly been a gentle parent. My children (now teens) have always behaved impeccably at school and in other people's homes and out of the house. At home they rule the roost a bit more than I'd like and there are constant negotiations that didn't happen in my childhood as I didn't feel I had a right to an opinion. Having to navigate 4 opinions in a family is the reason I sometimes question the gentle parenting approach. It's exhausting! But I think and hope they are more confident and secure than I was growing up. As a teacher I recognise the concern about children who can't learn because they have no respect for teachers or adults. I don't think that has been caused by gentle parenting at least not the type I understand- more likely by screen/ gaming addictions and permissive parenting I think

There are a lot of people criticising gentle parenting on this thread and smugly patting themselves on the back for their own sterner discipline before describing all the ways in which they’re actually incredibly permissive, but because it results in them losing their rag and having to shout to have any effect on their children they think they have strict discipline instead of recognising themselves as permissive.

Depends what you mean by “gentle” parenting. My parents were quite authoritarian and me and my sister never once brought trouble home as a result. My husbands parents were a little less authoritarian and the worst thing him and his brother did was get girls pregnant at 18 & 19. My SD on the other hand is a whole different kettle of fish. She learned to play us off against each other and had her nan and grandad wrapped round her little finger so was hardly ever disciplined or punished as if was us doing it she’d just go running to them and they’d undermine whatever punishment we put in place. She has turned out to be a juvenile delinquent so no I don’t think “gentle” parenting is effective. Kids need to have rules and boundaries in place and accept the consequences of their actions

Gentle parenting is structured. As a teacher I'm fed up with gentle parenting being used as an excuse to never respond to bad behaviour. It's basically lazy parenting.

I guess my style could have been described as gentle parenting as in I didn’t hit and we weren’t (aren’t) a shouty household, although there have been occasions I’ve raised my voice a bit. My kids never had to worry what sort of mood I was in or anything like that. Gentle parenting sounds a bit insipid and permissive though, it could do with a better name.

I like pp’s respectful parenting - that would describe my style much better.

You can be firm/ strict without shouting. Children need boundaries and rules but I never felt the need to yell.

I am a teacher and I don't think that children should be afraid of their parents or that parents should be authoritarian. Hitting is definitely a no.

However, I agree with some points about decision fatigue, lack of boundaries, parents finding it hard to say no or cope with upset, frequent lengthy explanations for decisions.

There is a crisis in staffing at schools and children's behaviour is one major factor. Imagine you had 30 children who wanted to do everything in their own time, required lengthy explanations for every decision.

However I think parenting by consensus is really important with teenagers for certain choices or decisions. Like everything with children and teens, moderation.

This all sounds so perfect doesn’t it? If only parenting were actually like this/ this simple.
😭

I wish you would tell her! But she read a book and she knows best. In the meantime I fear for the mental health, and teeth, of those beautiful little human beings.

Yes, the time to do the talking is before setting off for the park. Tell them that you expect them to leave nicely when it's time. If it's a persistent problem ask them what would help them leave nicely - maybe a warning before hand or they can have a relatively unexciting snack or whatever.(This is not the same as bribery as they are choosing a way to help them behave). Then when it's time if they are being awkward ask them 3x then leave straight after the 3rd time with minimal fuss. More difficult if you have 2 running in opposite directions!

Again, that's not gentle parenting.

That's an absence of parenting labeled as gentle.

Let's face it, all parents are kind of getting it wrong most of the time. Not that wrong, but a bit wrong.

Parenting is hard.

Half the time I'm either too tired, sick, or annoyed with someone to remember what I'm even supposed to be doing, never mind actually do it properly.

For me, gentle parenting is a kind of "cheat sheet" which I'm hoping leads to the least worst outcome.

As such, it involves quite a bit of staying-up-too-late-talking with DP, asking ourselves "is this actually working?"

Actually, the biggest problem with all ppf these 'talking' responses is that they fail ro consider one very important thing.

When someone is in an a heightened emotional state, the emotion part of their brain takes over and the logic, common sense and memory parts shut down.

It doesn't really matter what you're telling them to focus on, think about, remember or what strategies you're trying to show them at that time, their brain can't hear you.

It's fine to acknowledge and match their energy - I know you're really angry/upset, but we need to go etc but there's absolutely no point in all the talking until they're no longer emotional.

It's not only children who act like that but adults too.

I do very gentle parenting. I'm good at being a loving and attentive parent but not so good at being strict or telling them off. This isn't a conscious decision, it's just how I am! I've been told I'm too soft. Having said that, I do have rules and boundaries.
My children are 13 and 11 and are very well behaved. They are polite, always says please and thank you. They are very rarely naughty. My DD's room is a mess but apart from that I can't think of any times she's behaved badly. My son is quite highly strung so can be difficult (in the sense he's very emotional) but never actually naughty. If we tell him to do something or not do something, he does what we say. Everyone comments on how well behaved they are. They work hard at school too.
I do have a friend who's very authoritarian. She shouts a lot, is strict and I have once seen her hit her son. Both her children are pretty naughty. They answer back, they defy her.
Obviously these are only two examples. I'm sure some kids with gentle parents are little monsters and some kids with strict parents are angels.
I do feel my kids are reasonable, calm and not defiant because we raise them in a very reasonable way. We always discuss things with them and listen to them rather than barking out orders.

It seems a bit harsh to me. I’d not let him eat so much in the first place. We had a vomiting situation when I wasn’t fully aware my toddler had eaten too much chocolate and I was still sympathetic when he vomited - the vomiting was enough punishment.

What happened there was just no parenting - no boundaries then no sympathy or affection.

I can only go by what I have observed in my own grandchildren whose mother decided she was going to 'gentle parent'. They are feral! Their emotions are out of control and they have no emotional boundaries - I cannot bear to see how chaotic are their little brains and how utterly distraught they are allowed to become. They do things totally in their own time and even in urgent situations just will not cooperate. They have no manners. Because they've been allowed to graze all day instead of eating three square meals, their little teeth are already rotting through having a mouth constantly filled with food. I love the bones of them, but cannot have them to look after as they are just so exhausting. I can see them having real mental health issues when released into the big bad world where, actually, sometimes you do have to do as you are told, you do have to obey laws and the 'norms' of society.

The mistake a lot of parents make is trying to avoid the crying and tantrums that are normal when pre school children get upset, by bribing and distracting them or just giving in all the time.

Parenting young children does result in crying, it's a normal response for their age and shouldn't be over indulged or avoided.

I think it's a particular issue for children who are in full time childcare and parents only see their children 2 days a week. They really want to give their child a happy time during those precious few hours so they do all they can to appease them. This then ends in more upset as the child is desperately wanting their parent to enforce boundaries so gets more extreme with behaviour. Then the parents get more and more stressed as their efforts fail until eventually they lose their rag and shout or punish without a clear aim

People who are with their children most of the time tend to put up with much less messing about. They aren't scared to enforce the rules as life would be totally unbearable if they didn't

No judgement it's just an observation, I appreciate long hours in childcare is unavoidable for many

It's because the focus and the consequence are wrong.

Example - if a child is allowed to self regulate sweet consumption, the child should be given an appropriate portion size to begin with.

Gentle parenting doesn't mean a child can do whatever they want whenever they want and just have to deal with the consequences.

Parents still need to have boundaries and put them in place. It's still 'parenting'.

Like I said, the consequence of eating more than today's share of sweets should be that there aren't enough sweets for tomorrow. Not that the child is able to eat so many they are sick and are then forced to clean up the sick.

I also think a lot of kids have huge decision fatigue from being given too many choices and too much control.

Its reassuring and secure knowing grown ups are in charge making the decisions. Childrens need that.