Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

You are absolutely not in the middle if you use physical violence on your children.

It's a disaster waiting to happen when these kids get to adulthood and suddenly realise that sometimes the answer is No from your boss, your line manager, the Police. They aren't going to be emotionally equipped to cope with being told what to do.

Nothing makes me cringe more than being out and watching a grown adult trying to negotiate with a toddler....

In my experience it does not work, my kid got to 3 and it stopped working altogether. I'm so glad I changed my tune. The gentle parenting courses tell you to okay the feeling, don't shout, give them options, time outs are bad, holding things from them as punishmen is bad etc. You're meant to rely on "natural consequences". Hahaha let me tell you now my 3+ year old didn't give a shit about natural consequences or any such thing. We had to get firmer and pronto!

I don’t often shout but when I do my kid knows something is UP. I give her a look and ask her what she's doing wrong and she will tell me and then I ask what should you be doing? She knows! I do time outs on the stairs as a consequence or losing privileges or toys for a certain time, leaving fun places if not behaving etc. I speak respectfully but firmly to them and if they don't listen I say something like "I won't ask you nicely again" and they generally respond to that, if they don't the next time I don't ask nicely!

Christ it's not perfect and parenting is bloody hard work!! I will never ever hit my kids. But gentle parenting is a con, you can respect your kids and be firm with them and give them consequences without them growing up damaged, I promise!

I am a senior leader in primary school. We have definitely seen an increase in families where parents find it hard to say ‘no’ and enforce boundaries. We notice that children are given far too much choice and can’t handle it when boundaries are put in place at school. We talk about it being the difference between ‘Child led’, where parents do what their child wants even if it isn’t in their best interest, and ‘child centred’ where the parent makes the right decision as they are the adult (even if the child doesn’t like it).

I am a parent of an autistic teen and would describe gentle parenting as being non confrontational and fair. The poor parenting we see at school every day is not this- it is poor parenting with a lack of boundaries and being led by what children want and not what is best for them.

As a pp said above, how are these children going to manage in society? This is something that I have thought about a lot with my autistic child so that he can manage successfully in the world.

I have to say there are a lot of absolutely perfect parents of both the gentle and non gentle persuasion on here!

I do believe parents who adopt the ‘gentle parenting’ approach are too soft. They have tried to take the easy option but in the long term it is much, much harder. Mine are teens now and I am SO glad I set proper boundaries when they were small.

I’d definitely recommend How to Talk so Kids will Listen and also Siblings without Rivalry. They informed my parenting so much.

IME you can’t really reason with a 2yo. It’s about distraction and simple, consistent rules.

We have certain non-negotiable rules in our house: my kids know them and know I will be cross if they don’t obey them. They apply to us all. It’s not authoritarian parenting but they do know who’s boss. Having said that, I encourage them to question things and express themselves while being respectful.

I don’t really shout at them (once in a blue moon) and I have never hit them or been physically threatening, but they are still scared of me! Not in an authoritarian way, but they massively respect my boundaries and rules. They are teens now and great.

Perfect. Expectations need to be set.

I'm a teacher (primary) and most of the children I have met whose parents claim to follow gentle parenting refuse to follow any rules and are generally horror shows. However, these children also have no boundaries and no consequences so can't share, can't be told no as they know they can basically do what they like. That type of parenting, where you'd rather be mates with your child than a parent, doesn't work.

I worked in school dinners and the kids would sometimes play up and every time the head teacher would come in and ask if they would behave like that in a restaurant? Because it's not very nice. Cue the kids still playing up and 4 dinner ladies with their eyes rolled so far round they couldn't see.
Eventually we refused to serve until everyone behaved, the kids them started sorting each other out. It worked.

You sound lovely. I am a teacher, a single parent and have two of my own teens (one neurodivergent). I have struggled with this but the way I have brought mine up seems to have worked. They have boundaries (around safety, being kind, telling the truth) and sometimes I have probably raised my voice but I have also showed them a lot of respect and oodles of love. We trust each other and that is so important. They know that they can tell me anything and I will handle it well but also that there are certain things that they have to be responsible for. As they get older there are consequences if they forget where they put something or if they don’t wash their faces and get spots. They also know that I am reliable, a bit fierce but completely safe. Sorry, haven’t read other posts because pushed for time but good luck. Being a mum who asks/cares, you will be grand.

Yes but when do you say the tantruming isn’t ok because their brains have developed enough to have some control over their behaviour? And how do you communicate the tantrum isn’t ok?

This is exactly what gentle parenting is - setting clear expectations and holding boundaries. At 2 and 4 they are allowed to make a fuss; they are sad and disappointed that they are leaving a playground and do not yet have the skills to know how to deal with those emotions. Their brained literally haven’t developed that part yet! Giving into the tantrum about leaving and letting them stay longer would be the problem - and what often happens! But that is NOT what gentle parenting is.

Shouting at them when they express disappointment isn’t giving them a coping skill either though

no I agree, shouting is not helpful, but what to do , how to communicate the behaviour is unacceptable and how to raise a respectful , well behaved and well adjusted child is not easy and simple. The gentle parenting methods sound great in theory, but the reality is inevitably so much messier. Theres a balance between needing to communicate that certain behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated and showing understanding/ empathy. , allowing your children to express themselves and validating their feelings. Gentle parenting advice doesn’t always seem to acknowledge the tensions and contradictions.

@flowermo unfortunately a lot of people forget to put the boundaries in place. Or add any consequences to crossing any boundaries they are in place.

I’m a teacher and a parent to a 2 (3 next month) and 5 year old and choose to gentle parent. At 2 and 4 pushing boundaries and being unable to self regulate is normal and developmentally appropriate. I believe gentle parenting - with FIRM and CLEAR boundaries (as it sounds like you are doing) is an excellent way of raising children. The parenting I often see is a complete lack of boundaries which is the cause of the problem with behaviour we see now in schools.

I think some of you need to have these discussions before you enter anywhere .

We are going to play on the park. When I tell you it’s time to leave, I expect you to come quickly and not make a fuss. When we get home we’ll have ice cream.

Or we are going to eat in the restaurant, I expect you to sit and eat nicely. When we are finished you can play outside.

Any crying and we go home.

Set the boundary - set the consequences.

Teacher will not have time to deal with your ‘gentle parented child’ with 30 other kids with at least 6 with special needs.

They need to do as they are told, when they are told. Otherwise it’s mayhem.

How many do I have to have and what ages before you would accept that their behaviour is down to my parenting?

Shouting at them when they express disappointment isn’t giving them a coping skill either though. My daughter is 4.5, we discuss things after they happen and what we can do next time - ie if she’s gotten really angry and hit/thrown, what can she do next time (deep breaths, etc). It’s also how you keep them for a transition, a timer works well for us. If you want them to express frustration in a different way you have to give them a different way, it won’t magically happen because they’re shouted at to stop having a tantrum.

Your post made me laugh. I have kids similar and they are a bit bonkers ‘high fun’ types. Everyone sitting quietly on the train my kids making up games, chatting loudly, rolling around laughing. On the way to school. Exhausting. I did a combo. I shouted, cajoled and explained. I’m an inconsistent parent. I’m just not that good at discipline - I don’t like being told what to do so maybe that’s why. But in general they have turned out OK. We have a very close family, a few volcanic explosions but it’s usually all over with quickly and the kids are kind to a fault and fun to be around. They were just a bit of a handful when younger. One thing we did set consistent boundaries with was kindness and telling it straight even when it means you get in trouble. We always tried to get them to see someone else’s point of view. I remember we once went to friends when they were little and our friends said “just the threat.” of punishment was enough to stop any bad behaviour! Sadly mine were too feral for that and frankly didn’t care that much if we put them on a naughty step. So we didn’t go down this route. Negotiation and discussion, and only a couple of ‘line in the sand’ rules seemed to work better. We gave up on forcing apologies when everyone was grumpy if they were insincere. Obviously more subtlety as they got older. Even then it was hard work ! I did sometimes wish that my children were more biddable. But they weren’t. Very well behaved in school and out in public though.

My neighbours practice gentle parenting and their son it a nightmare. He doesn't share, hits and has anger outbursts. We avoid play dates with them because, quite frankly, they've failed to tell him off when it has been needed.

I agree with a previous poster that gentle parenting is just parenting on a good day. We all aspire to always remain calm and patient, not shout at our kids but discuss the behaviour - however inevitably we (as humans) sometimes lose our tempers and shout or don’t handle the situation well.

I think gentle parenting is probably easier when you only have 1 child.

Them throwing a tantrum while you leave the park isn’t them ‘stomping their feet to get their way’ they’re disappointed, and that’s allowed

but you can’t go through life throwing tantrums every time something is disappointing? The feelings are ok, but at some point surely kids need to learn that the screaming and shouting and throwing themselves around is not ok?

I would say I’ve followed gentle parenting, my kids (so far) are really well behaved, age 16 and 14 I’ve shouted at them both once each when they were younger and grounded my eldest once. They are both good as gold most of the time with no cheek and do exactly what they’re asked.

key things. I always follow through with what I say I’m going to do (both good and bad)
both kids went to martial arts from age 4 (great for discipline) they both don’t particularly like it but it’s one of the few rules that are non negotiable (for discipline and self defense)
they both have good friendship groups, which I think helps
we talk and I give advice on their relationships, I won’t tell them who they can and can’t see (but I will be there to pick up the pieces)
I work very much on trust and tbh they’re both very worried about disappointing me
ill pick my battles with them and don’t fuss about the small things

hope that helps

Kids aren't behaving at school because school is not designed to play to kid's strengths. It's a capitalist grind machine designed to control large groups of small people.