Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

I wonder how he does in school, if he can't take no for an answer. This is what causes so many behaviour issues, parents not parenting. I had a 5 year old throwing a chair at me in class because I said it's time to stop colouring.

Of course it will work... but only if its actually done properly.

PIcking the bits you like - not shouting for example... and not the bits you don't like - maintaining boundaries... that will never work.

It's things like 'we need to put shoes on now - you can do that here, or in the car, I don't mind', rather than just yelling 'shoes on now... I SAID NOW' etc.

There's a lot of 'illusion of choice', like this which little kids prefer on the whole to either 'don't do that' or 'we're doing this because I said so'.

One of the major things people don't understand is setting boundaries and providing consequences they can actually follow through/maintain.

It's no good for example; expecting a kid who bolts not to do that, then taking them to a huge open, busy space where they are likely to be triggered to run and will be very hard to catch, without reins on. You're setting them up to fail, and making it impossible to prevent the unwanted behaviour or provide immediate consequences.

Yes, it is hard work to ensure you can always maintain those boundaries or follow through on consequences but no method of raising/training/managing someone elses behaviour will work if you don't.

I’m really not convinced by ‘gentle’ parenting as a default. I think parenting that responds to the ever changing and developing needs for an individual child is best. Sometimes that might meet the definition of gentle parenting, other times it won’t.

I think this phrase sums it up!

For me it’s a bit early to say if it works - mine is 5 and relatively speaking well behaved but by no means I think at this stage is fair to say whether it’s working or not. I think the more traditional approach & the way things were done in the 80s/90s has it benefits-as a kid I believe made me more resilient and independent; the gentle approach also has some benefits for younger kids, not so sure about older kids/ young adults. There is a good spot somewhere between the two approaches but I don’t know what it looks like quite yet.

I’ve skimmed through and Im a huge believer in parenting based on personality.

At 2 and 4 they are small but boundaries are important and following through on your word is important and highlighting poor behaviour and explaining why is important. Telling your children off if they step out of line is important and I don’t think children should fear anyone but they should have a sense of right and wrong and moral.

Parenting is going wrong because we are noticing that children do not have a sense of right or wrong because many children are either rewarded (subconsciously) by their parents who decide to do absolutely nothing when their child acts up. Or for those parents that are too strict and drive their children away they are being raised by friends and social media.

I also think children need to see that life is life. I take my child shopping with me, expect her to behave a certain way. I take her to friend houses, I’ve taken her to appropriate events etc. many parents are letting their children lead their lives as opposed to bringing the children into their lives. I feel that might raise entitled children too.

When they are younger our role is to show them how to behave and guide them. As their personality comes through, as parents we should adopt our style based on that. Forget the labels

A brief excursion out in public will demonstrate that gentle parenting does not work with most children.

I try to be a gentle parent. I would never ever smack. I don’t think this is ok at all. I do sometimes shout but I really wish I didn’t and I’m working on this all the time. I always apologise for raising my voice and discuss what caused it and that my children deserve respect as much as I do. We have a great relationship but I’m far from perfect. It’s a work in progress.

I'm not sure I'd say shouting is really officially part of any parenting type. It's what happens when parents are at the end of their tether, generally.

A few people are shouty in general, so there it's about character.

I also think traditional parenting is not that different than what the OP described as gentle parenting.

The main difference might be the use of smacking or spanking which gentle parenting disallows, I tend to think that this is less important than many believe, so long as it's done a) in a way that is not arbitrarily, b) in a non angry manner and c) within social norms.

Which is to say, in places where there is a social norm of spanking, kids don't seem to find it particularly traumatic unless it is out of control or actually physically damaging or extremely frequent. (There is some research that supports this, I've not come to that conclusion on my own.

My inclusion is that it's largely an irrelevance. The main thing is to be careful, caring, have clear boundaries, self-discipline, expectations that are not too high or too low, and to love your kids and have them know you love them.

ANyway - my main issues with what people call gentle parenting is that it is often very influenced by attachment parenting, which I think has some real flaws in it's underlying belief system, and those flaws tend to create issues around boundaries and expectations.

@Wantitalltogoaway I have no idea how the magic of counting works on mine but it does! Even if needing to leave the park or a friends house, he will literally run for it to not reach 10.. so it is a magical trick up my sleeve, but I really must work out what happens if we reach 10 sometime 🤣

From what I have seen, gentle parenting absolutely does not work.

Gentle parenting creates vile, entitled, nasty tyrants. Despicable, self obsessed human beings.

Various friends of mine have used gentle parenting and the way their kids treat them and talk to them is truly shocking and appalling. There is no respect for the parent and the child becomes a bully of the highest order.

my parenting style was firm but loving. Largely no nonsense but gave quite a lot of freedom within reason. I now have a really good relationship with my kids. They are not scared of me, but know there are boundaries they cannot push and most importantly of all, they treat me with respect.

it may work on a child who is a really lovely gentle soul (I know one of them) and this child has turned into a really lovely person - but they are an exceptional character and I have never met anyone else like that. But all the others have turned out truly awful.

I think I’d probably view myself as a gentle parent. As a single parent I sometimes think it’s more difficult. My DDs are teens now so we’re in a very different developmental stage but it’s definitely paying dividends. They’re respectful, understand boundaries and consequences for overstepping them. I’ve always felt that they need to know who’s the captain of the ship for their own security. That sometimes I’m going to take decisions they may not like, and that’s my job.

It cracks me up when I hear parents out in public saying “One… two… three… four…” and everyone knows that absolutely sweet FA happens when they get to ten.

The trouble is, you might think your kids are just fine, but other people might find them a nightmare.

The ‘permissive’ parents I know have kids that don’t really work in the real world. Their entitlement and freedoms don’t take into account anyone else’s feelings or rights. It might all feel lovely and free to you, but your kids might be a massive PITA.

I think you can be 'gentle' to a certain extent whilst enforcing boundaries

I don't shout - I do give a warning with a consequence, and follow up on it. When younger when there was a hitting stage that was explained once calmly that it was unacceptable, and that absolutely all future instances would be a removal of a toy and not allowed to play for 5 minutes. It happened twice after and a toy was removed for 1 day and he was placed on the sofa and I didn't talk to/play with him for 5 minutes.

For now I am fortunate as not giving attention seems to be absolute torture so that definitely worked on mine when he was younger. I will often count to 10 if not being heard and I need something like a coat on or shoes on etc to go out.. I'm yet to work out what happens when I reach 10 if I'm honest, he's always rushed and done it before I get to 10... I must work that out as I'm sure one day he will push his luck with that 🤣 wasn't until I wrote this that I realised I have no idea what my consequence is if I get to 10!

I'm not really anti shouting but my son is massively noise sensitive so even if I raise my voice slightly the reaction is intense, therefore I am mindful of that

I’m no psychologist, but this could be because she doesn’t know ‘the rules’. IME children (much like dogs!) thrive when they know what is expected of them and others. It helps them feel safe.

Gentle Parenting (ie S O-S) appears to mean no consequences.
As in, natural consequences may take place, like, if you smash up your bedroom, your bedroom is then a mess. But logical, or illogical consequences are not generally used, like, you smash up your bedroom so you have to tidy it up, or you smash your bedroom up so you are now grounded etc.

This lack of consequences is , I think, irritating and unhelpful for children. At school there are consequences, and many of them are not logical! Children can't forever feel the world revolves solely around them and do need to understand that their actions impact upon others.

What do you mean control your own emotions? Obviously no one should be losing it and screaming and shouting. But I do not agree its a good idea to pretend not to be angry or irritated and cover it up with a sing songy voice.

We have never raised our voice to our DD but she is incredibly anxious and is always worried she has done something wrong. It is hard to even give her kindly meant guidance or advice without her getting upset. If a teacher is even remotely strict she gets so distressed. She is 15 and autistic but I still worry that we have been so gentle, she can’t handle life. It is hard to know if it is just her personality and SEN or if we have let her down by never telling her off.

Permissive camp here. I grew up happily in a family with few rules and so didn't really feel the need to parent (I find parenting as a verb an odd concept). My DCs survived just fine despite occasional clashes with schools (which I supported them to navigate themselves).

Kids are all different, but they do need to learn boundaries through whatever method works. DS has ASD so I had to learn to be much gentler than my nature would probably intend 😁but both he and DD are great teenagers so we either got lucky or did something right. But I have certainly raised my voice from time to time and I did slap the backs of their hands sometimes as toddlers.

I'm not over familiar with permissive parenting but there was one Mum at playgroups etc when mine were small, who didn't believe in saying no to her son. She was a single Mum and they were very co-dependent, but he ran rings round her and over the years that followed, got worse every time we saw them. Sadly, the last I heard was that he had been taken away as she couldn't cope.

I suspect he may have had additional needs - and there were other difficulties facing the family - but I do wonder whether a stricter upbringing might have avoided the worst case scenario? But no-one can know that.....

I think most of us know the 'perfect' way of parenting (no shouting, no threats, but firm boundaries) but non of us are perfect. I don't know any mums irl that never shout at their kids and most of us know that shouting isn't helpful, but we're also human. If you asked anyone 12 times to stop doing something and they still did it, you'd lose your patience, child or adult.

I think it does 🤷‍♀️ we try to gentle parent. Occasionally shout (mostly when I have pmt unfortunately). One of my kids deffo needs firmer boundaries than the other - she's more rebellious by nature. They do well at school/socially and no issues there. We have a good relationship with them both and they do as we ask most of the time... of course they don't always agree with our decisions (e.g. the computer is making you cross and you need a break and some outdoor time) but I can now have conversations with them where I explain the problem to them and ask what they think I should do/what's the alternative, which are really helpful.

Our biggest battle is them fighting, but it isn't all the time. My brother and I used to have full fist fights where as my two very rarely lay hands on each other so while the bickering is annoying it is the lesser of 2 evils. They are 6 and 8 for context.

Had a few girls round for youngest's birthday party recently and was a bit surprised by some of the behaviour and found my calm boundary setting coming in 😂

I go by instinct and respond as I see fit so I can't say I ascribe to any particular parenting type but have always had a secure attachment style with them. We have a warm, extremely loving and fun relationship but I'm pretty strict about manners, doing the right thing and always set very clear boundaries as to what is okay and what is not okay. And I absolutely shout from time to time.

I've found as they grow and mature that these boundaries are increasingly self-imposed and I'm proud of them for that. They're great kids. Not saying they're perfect but I'm very proud of them and the fact that they know right from wrong and to show kindness to others.

Gentle parenting techniques are very effective with my son who has adhd and odd. I wish I’d done it consistently from a younger age, and not felt under pressure to be more authoritative from other people being judgy.

And reading some other posts - for the record, I don't think gentle parenting is about letting children do what they want.

Mine had stricter rules than most of their friends - earlier curfews, regular chores, earning rewards, no parties with alcohol etc, no underage clubbing etc. I always had to know where they were and with whom, regularly checked phones - including Snapchat, WhatsApp, Instagram etc, no TV/gadgets in bedrooms, no SM unless I was friend also. And they NEVER, not once, hit another child ever (as far as we know, but never told this had happened etc) - even when children hit them.

Gentle parenting is not no parenting. As I said, misconceptions