AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

He wants to be babied? I've just been a bit sick in my mouth.

If you substituted "babied" for being cared for" I don't think you would have had the same level of vitriol for this man.

He's been in hospital so I think you showing some level of care/looking after ( in person ) is reasonable .

From your subsequent comments I think this is quite a long way from your natural instincts which favour less emotional but more practical support, eg sending the food parcel. I suspect you might not be that compatible in the long run if you have such different ways of showing affection.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease If I came home from hospital with sth like this though, I genuinely wouldn’t want to risk my DH catching it, even though we live in the same house.

I wouldn’t expect him to sleep in the same bed and I’d try to avoid using the same loo (we have a downstairs one). I’d be cleaning everything if I had the energy. I would appreciate cups of tea and soup, etc., but I’d understand if he kept his distance!

I'm not sure Eric Bloodaxe would have been great at looking after his wife.

Do you think only women should be caring?!

I dated someone with a similar childhood to you and issues with being avoidant, when I became ill with endometriosis he made me feel a bother to him. We broke up

I'm not saying you're doing that, and I'm not saying you're being unreasonable but is this a deal breaker him? Is it worth compromising?

Would you think a man should risk catching a contagious disease and look after his gf too, or does the looking after just go one way?!

I would compromise by visiting him daily for an hour to check up on him, bringing him a home cooked meal and not sharing his bed or toilet.

This. You are his girlfriend, not his carer.

But @pinksunglasses there is no H or DC here!! This is a very new relationship. Op does not have to look after a contagious boyfriend!

18 months not 6

Yeah, this...

Yes YABU.

If this was reversed and a husband was avoiding his wife they'd get flamed for being such a bad husband. How disgusting of you? Hopefully he leaves you

Your link is only about viral colitis. Bacterial colitis is much harder to spread between people, especially after starting antibiotics. YABU...this isn't man-flu.

This!

I suppose it depends what the actual, material difference between being ‘babied’ and ‘looked after’ when you’ve just been in hospital is.

I think that I would have been very upset if my dh had been ill like this 18 months in. 25 years later, I’d probably put him in the spare room. But 18 months in, I wouldn’t have. I think if you really, really love and adore someone, you do end up just taking risks with your own health. It’s different, but whatever my kids have had - swine flu, norovirus, covid, nits - the whole lot - I would never have considered avoiding them. Even as older teens, I’d still be there for them.

If a woman posted she expected to be babied by her boyfriend because it's what she's used too, she would get her arse handed to her.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that, at least in my personal understanding of a 'normal' loving and caring relationship, some form of visiting would absolutely be expected to help him with small tasks like washing up, changing beds (maybe wear gloves!), perhaps preparing a meal. But I think you have the right idea in only going for a few hours and keeping your distance from him physically. That shows that you're there for him, that you care, but will hopefully mean minimal chance of catching the infection. Don't use his towels unless clean.

I personally don't see an issue with the wanting to be 'babied' when ill. Sure, it's not ideal, and he will absolutely have to snap out of that if the two of you ever have children, but it's sort of understandable that when you feel vulnerable you want the care from your partner to step up. If this isn't something you personally want when unwell then that's also fine, but I can't really understand people calling this a 'red flag' and claiming it's a deal-breaker. Most people want care and love from those close to them when in any kind of vulnerable situation, he's just chosen a very poor phrase to express that.

I think you've made the right call in saying you'll visit for a few hours, maybe a few times before you go away. That, to me, is the 'normal' response to a situation like this. I wish you the best of luck and a nice holiday!

I wouldn't even get into a conversation about the 'baby-ing'. If that's what he wants, he's with the wrong woman!

I take care of DH when he is poorly because I want to. Not because it's expected of me.

I would steer clear and stay well for your holiday. If he's well enough to go out for a walk, he'll manage to press a few buttons on the microwave.

I’m so sorry, I’m with the people who say you don’t sound like you’re both ‘The One’ for each other.

I only realised in the past few years I’m a man flu type person but dh does indulge me and I do the same back. I missed a holiday last year when I got Covid from the kids being sick and if I’d missed it cos of him I’d have said the same - nothing could have been done, you needed looking after!

I can’t believe all these posts. If I’d just got out of hospital and lived alone I’d be desperate for some company. I feel like if it was the woman just discharged from hospital and her male partner hadn’t visited in hospital, was refusing to come round and then going off on holiday, everyone would be jumping up and down shouting LTB.

Honestly I think you're nuts to see him indoors and risk catching it before your holiday. Meet up with him outside, even in the garden, if you must.

I don’t know about this case, but saying ‘I don’t like sick people’ is pretty mean, and I don’t think people always have nurses available when they need looking after, or have total choice about being discharged.

I do think this man saying he likes to be babied when ill is a bit of a red flag, but also OP you do seem fairly cold towards him. I am sorry that you haven’t been cared for in your life and so sorry you were abused. I don’t get the sense this relationship is going anywhere.

YANBU if you drop the partner label for now and decide this is a boyfriend you don’t want an actual partnership with. And that’s a fine thing to want.

But being there for someone when they’re seriously sick (including prioritizing that over holiday plans & long family visits) sometimes is part of a healthy marriage or partnership. Setting reasonable boundaries within that by saying “I am not a servant who will wait on someone hand and foot if they aren’t genuinely very ill” is one thing, but refusing to be with him or help at all is a very clear signal that you don’t have any intention of actually being there in sickness and health.

If you have an abusive past then you’ll have to work through what part of this is you not wanting to create any interdependence in a relationship because you don’t know how to do that healthily in a way that feels good to you vs what is just you not wanting to have that with this particular person.