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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

192 replies

Horachied · 10/08/2024 19:08

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

OP posts:
Americano75 · 10/08/2024 22:35

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

I think I've just died of cringe.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2024 22:34

Bettedaviseyes111 · 10/08/2024 22:30

I’m kind of surprised by some of the responses on here.

If you had been ill in hospital wouldn’t you want the person who is supposed to be your partner around to be with you and show some affection? I would absolutely want to do that for my partner.

He’s been in hospital, feels rough and was probably a bit scared. So yes YABU.

I’m single and had a bit of a weird time last year with a cancer scare and lots of diagnostics and procedures that meant intrusive poking and prodding which left me feeling pretty poorly and down. It would’ve been great to have someone there to show some affection and care.

I have had a cancer scare, and I agree that having someone there to love and support you makes a big difference. Its genuinely frightening.

Having a nasty infection that lands you in hospital, also had that. I didnt expect anyone to "be by [my] bedside" or that the "baby" me, or ask the hospital chaplain to pray for me, but then go out for a nice walk.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2024 22:33

YANBU because if he's infectious it will mess up your holiday.

BUT once again I notice Mumsnet being inconsistent - if a woman posted a thread saying her partner failed to rush to her side in this circumstance, she would 100% be told to dump him.

(I still think you should stay clear).

Bettedaviseyes111 · 10/08/2024 22:30

I’m kind of surprised by some of the responses on here.

If you had been ill in hospital wouldn’t you want the person who is supposed to be your partner around to be with you and show some affection? I would absolutely want to do that for my partner.

He’s been in hospital, feels rough and was probably a bit scared. So yes YABU.

I’m single and had a bit of a weird time last year with a cancer scare and lots of diagnostics and procedures that meant intrusive poking and prodding which left me feeling pretty poorly and down. It would’ve been great to have someone there to show some affection and care.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2024 22:29

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

What an absolute drama llama weapons grade knobhead. I could never look at him again, much less visit him.

Tell him to marry his mother.

ETA.... he is religious, he thinks he is a god. His mother worshipped him and he now expects you to do the same. Seriously, get rid.

TheBossOfMe · 10/08/2024 22:24

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Run for the hills.

Who takes two days off work for a cold? You’d get fired very quickly at my work for that.

At best he’s a total baby. At worst he’ll end up being a total financial and emotional drag on you.

Chonk · 10/08/2024 22:21

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

🤣🤣

Woww2 · 10/08/2024 22:20

I’m sorry if he is a drama queen like you are suggesting - and you are very much buck up and get on with it - I think you need to seriously consider how this relationship is going to work in the future.

NameChangeAndLifeChange · 10/08/2024 22:17

Tell him you won't be stopping as it IS highly contagious.

Regardless of your holiday, why would you want to put yourself in a situation where you'd make yourself ill?

Beeboopaboo · 10/08/2024 22:13

Would he do this for you if the situation were reversed, and would you want him to?

Why isn't he concerned about how this might impact you, with the risk of infection?

My partner would never want to put me at risk, particularly with a holiday coming up.

turkeymuffin · 10/08/2024 22:11

Horachied · 10/08/2024 19:15

His mum has done a big shop for him, and he’s got a grocery app that will deliver anything to him within an hour. I’ve also ordered a big gift basket of food that will be delivered to him tomorrow.

This is plenty. You're not his mum. Let's literal mum "baby" him and you enjoy your holiday.

How he deals with this will tell you a LOT about your potential future with him. Then you can decide if you want it.

LizzieBennett73 · 10/08/2024 22:09

If he's got a bacterial infection like C Diff you really don't want to catch it, it's horribly contagious and can end up shutting down hospital wards. Not worth risking even for a few hours if you've got plans.

Original poster
Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

HipHipWhoRay · 10/08/2024 21:58

On a slight tangent- I think it’s hard to know what’s normal if you haven’t had a good relationship modelled in your own childhood or between parents. As a rule of thumb, I’d agree that you show concern but only low level nursing and sounds like you’re pitching it fine. So pop in for a couple of hours, offer to make a couple of cups of tea, maybe heat up some soup. You could offer to pop to chemist for XYZ but otherwise leave him be. Definitely no household chores, washing etc. He should rally quite quickly on antibiotics. Encourage him to be up and about quickly to aid his own recovery, reduce blood clot risk, and definitely avoid seeing him in the dressing gown of doom!

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

OP posts:
JohnTheRevelator · 10/08/2024 22:04

Urgh how unattractive. A man who wants to be 'babied' when he's ill. This would put me right off.

BruFord · 10/08/2024 22:02

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 10/08/2024 21:55

@BruFord personally I'd not sit there and go "oh but my holiday", I wouldn't dream of going away while my parent is ill

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I see your point. My DH and I travel separately fairly regularly so I suppose for us, it would depend how ill the other one was.

Helpisneeded100 · 10/08/2024 21:59

pinksunglasses · 10/08/2024 20:13

But in this hypothetical situation, if a woman posted on here that she’d just come out of hospital and was getting no help or support with kids she’d be told that her husband was useless. Fine, if it’s a cold we all have to struggle on, but he’s properly ill!

Show quote history

Hi @pinksunglasses bit they don’t have kids together? They are dating and don’t live together. I wouldn’t expect anyone to come and look after me if it meant they could be infected with a bacterial infection which could lead them to end up in hospital. I am also guessing he is well enough to look after himself otherwise the hospital would have not discharged him?

HipHipWhoRay · 10/08/2024 21:58

On a slight tangent- I think it’s hard to know what’s normal if you haven’t had a good relationship modelled in your own childhood or between parents. As a rule of thumb, I’d agree that you show concern but only low level nursing and sounds like you’re pitching it fine. So pop in for a couple of hours, offer to make a couple of cups of tea, maybe heat up some soup. You could offer to pop to chemist for XYZ but otherwise leave him be. Definitely no household chores, washing etc. He should rally quite quickly on antibiotics. Encourage him to be up and about quickly to aid his own recovery, reduce blood clot risk, and definitely avoid seeing him in the dressing gown of doom!

Despair1 · 10/08/2024 21:58

Biggaybear · 10/08/2024 20:37

Love the way you put in that he likes to be babied. Got everyone on board with that little snippet 👏.

I think you're not much of a partner.....not even much if a girlfriend. Guy is not very well & wants some company. You've been away all week with your family & not visited when in hospital (as its 9obviously miles away) but now he's home you're still not visiting him......and then you're off on holiday (presumably without him) in a weeks time. Jeez......do you actually like this bloke ? You dont even need to stay over if you think you are going to catch something from his bedsheetsxor toilet seat 🙄.

If I was him I'd be re-evaluating my relationship. Just hope he does the same to you when you're ill.

I agree with this

Despair1 · 10/08/2024 21:55

Maybebaby2025 · 10/08/2024 21:13

I can’t believe all these posts. If I’d just got out of hospital and lived alone I’d be desperate for some company. I feel like if it was the woman just discharged from hospital and her male partner hadn’t visited in hospital, was refusing to come round and then going off on holiday, everyone would be jumping up and down shouting LTB.

Totally agree with this

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 10/08/2024 21:55

@BruFord personally I'd not sit there and go "oh but my holiday", I wouldn't dream of going away while my parent is ill

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 10/08/2024 21:54

Horachied · 10/08/2024 21:35

I only mentioned the ‘babying’ thing to give some context about why I’m unsure about how ill he truly is, because he has a tendency to be over dramatic. Every time he has a cold, he always takes at least 2 days off work for example and talks about how extremely ill he is.

I know that he genuinely is I’ll this time, but I think I now just automatically have a slight skepticism about the true severity. He’s managing to sleep all night and has been able to walk up and down stairs today, so I don’t know.

He's been in hospital!!!!

Newnamesameoldlurker · 10/08/2024 21:44

Dreamiesarecatcrack · 10/08/2024 19:22

I'd send him a screenshot of the NHS advice and ask why he wants to put you at risk OP, he's being really selfish expecting you to do that unless he genuinely needs actual care.

I second this advice. Really selfish of him to want to expose you to this.

Merro · 10/08/2024 21:41

I think calling him your DP is a stretch. You don't live together, you don't holiday together. He's been pretty ill and your main concern isn't him it's you. Nothing wrong with that but it suggests to me this is just a casual relationship.

MagneticSquirrel · 10/08/2024 21:38

Maybebaby2025 · 10/08/2024 21:13

I can’t believe all these posts. If I’d just got out of hospital and lived alone I’d be desperate for some company. I feel like if it was the woman just discharged from hospital and her male partner hadn’t visited in hospital, was refusing to come round and then going off on holiday, everyone would be jumping up and down shouting LTB.

Disagree, if I was discharged with something contagious I'd be telling everyone to stay away, and especially not wanting to ruin other people's holidays. Family and partner can call, text and video me if they want to provide some company, although when I'm very sick I'm sleeping so much anyway I don't need company.

From OPs recent updates he has been for a walk today so he doesn't need nursing for a week! I can't go for a walk when I'm very sick. And if he's well enough to go for a walk then he can change his own bedding and load the dishwasher.

BruFord · 10/08/2024 21:38

Hisapsy · 10/08/2024 21:24

I think that I would have been very upset if my dh had been ill like this 18 months in. 25 years later, I’d probably put him in the spare room. But 18 months in, I wouldn’t have. I think if you really, really love and adore someone, you do end up just taking risks with your own health. It’s different, but whatever my kids have had - swine flu, norovirus, covid, nits - the whole lot - I would never have considered avoiding them. Even as older teens, I’d still be there for them.

@Hisapsy I look after my teens, wearing my rubber gloves and armed with anti-bac. 🤣

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