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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

192 replies

Horachied · 10/08/2024 19:08

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

OP posts:
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Caroparo52 · 15/08/2024 13:17

Dont do it. You might catch the infection and not go on holiday. Hes a man not a baby.

Original poster
Horachied · 15/08/2024 13:08

He’s doing much better now thank you! He’s still staying mostly at home but is almost better. We’ve been meeting up outside his flat.

OP posts:
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 14/08/2024 13:54

How is boyfriend feeling now OP?

TheYanster · 13/08/2024 21:28

I don't understand all the comments about OP being uncaring and cold. If I had a contagious and unpleasant illness, I would hate to infect my partner (or anyone else for that matter), especially when it is easily avoided. That would be selfish, irrational and totally unnecessary.
And an adult requiring "babying" is so deeply unattractive and revolting.

BruFord · 12/08/2024 21:20

Sapphire387 · 12/08/2024 21:04

Urgh, you sound horrible and cold, as do so many people on this thread.

He's been in hospital. My DH - now and before he was my DH, would have been at my side. And I would have been at his.

After eighteen months, your holiday is more important to you than your partner. Do you love him?

@Sapphire387 Having looked up the symptoms of bacterial colitis, I think the OP is being sensible. I’d be visiting with my rubber gloves on and certainly not staying over.

My DH and I would make the ill one cups of tea and snacks, etc. but we’d be giving each other a wide berth!

Sapphire387 · 12/08/2024 21:04

Urgh, you sound horrible and cold, as do so many people on this thread.

He's been in hospital. My DH - now and before he was my DH, would have been at my side. And I would have been at his.

After eighteen months, your holiday is more important to you than your partner. Do you love him?

Americano75 · 12/08/2024 21:03

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 12/08/2024 20:59

Not really, if you love someone you love them no matter the label.

Show quote history

Be that as it may, the seriousness/longevity of any relationship will always have an impact when situations like the OP's arise.

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 12/08/2024 20:59

Americano75 · 12/08/2024 20:58

Well, it matters because the two types of relationship aren't the same are they?

If OP and her partner were actually married, then I know my response would have been different.

Not really, if you love someone you love them no matter the label.

Americano75 · 12/08/2024 20:58

Well, it matters because the two types of relationship aren't the same are they?

If OP and her partner were actually married, then I know my response would have been different.

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 12/08/2024 20:54

Doesn't matter does it? In any reverse of this situation the woman is a solider who should leave the man, but in this case the man is being mocked

Americano75 · 12/08/2024 20:54

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 12/08/2024 20:42

I honestly can't imagine how you'd all react if a husband abandoned his wife

Show quote history

But they're not married. They don't even live together.

TheBossOfMe · 12/08/2024 20:52

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 12/08/2024 20:42

I honestly can't imagine how you'd all react if a husband abandoned his wife

Show quote history

He’s not her husband. They don’t even live together!

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 12/08/2024 20:42

SheddingCat · 12/08/2024 20:37

I’m with you. He’s only thinking about himself, what about your holiday and potentially losing money you have already paid?
He’s not on his death bed, he’s on antibiotics and it’s not life threatening. His mummy can continue babying him.
‘Sorry i won’t be around, you know i have already paid x for my holiday and can’t risk getting ill myself’. If he starts to whinge just tell him he is being selfish and unreasonable.

I honestly can't imagine how you'd all react if a husband abandoned his wife

SheddingCat · 12/08/2024 20:37

I’m with you. He’s only thinking about himself, what about your holiday and potentially losing money you have already paid?
He’s not on his death bed, he’s on antibiotics and it’s not life threatening. His mummy can continue babying him.
‘Sorry i won’t be around, you know i have already paid x for my holiday and can’t risk getting ill myself’. If he starts to whinge just tell him he is being selfish and unreasonable.

AbsolutelyBarking · 12/08/2024 20:31

Op - if he likes to be 'babied' when ill- he needs his mum.

He is her baby not yours!

Despair1 · 12/08/2024 18:50

shuggles · 10/08/2024 20:42

It's really weird to see so many women criticising a man for asking to be cared for when he is ill, on the same website where women criticise men for leaving women whenever they become unwell.

Spot On

Agapornis · 11/08/2024 10:21

"He really has been babied by his mum though so he thinks that I’m being very harsh and cold when I don’t treat him the same way"

He's actually compared you to his mum? 🤢 If you must visit, I'd go for a walk outside.

he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery
Grin what a ridiculous man

Bogginsthe3rd · 11/08/2024 10:14

lovemetomybones · 10/08/2024 22:47

I just did a quick google search on it and it seems horrendous! This could end up being a life long condition and an autoimmune disease. I doubt this has been the first time he has had it.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't be the one to look after him as you are going away, but if what I've just read on the NHS website is what he has, then cut him some slack, this isn't an easy or pleasant disease

Your quick Google search was wrong. What are the chances ?! If he has infectious colitis then he should get over this episode ok hopefully. Ulcerative colitis (and crohns disease) are autoimmune inflammatory bowel diseases which are not infectious. Colitis just means inflammation of the bowel which could be for a number of reasons.

IncompleteSenten · 11/08/2024 10:05

He's giving you a very clear heads up what life will be like with him

Ignore that at your own risk. 🤷

erikbloodaxe · 11/08/2024 10:00

@outdamnedspots In this case Erik Bloodaxe is a cat and doesn't have a wife and I'm not a man so don't go down that route.
Every single sneering reply to the Ops post was made by a woman. The men in my life are all extremely caring so to answer your question, no I don't believe only woman are caring.

raincloudsandholidays · 11/08/2024 08:24

HermioneMakepeace0 · 11/08/2024 02:16

You’re here mocking him on Mumsnet. Rightly or wrongly.

You’re only 18 months in.

He’s not for you.

(did he actually SAY he likes to be babied or is that your slant on it?)

Exactly this

CitrineRaindropPhoenix · 11/08/2024 08:19

HermioneMakepeace0 · 11/08/2024 02:16

You’re here mocking him on Mumsnet. Rightly or wrongly.

You’re only 18 months in.

He’s not for you.

(did he actually SAY he likes to be babied or is that your slant on it?)

This. I notice every time it seems to be slightly more sympathetic there is another little comment like asking the chaplain to pray for him, just so we all really know that he is an unreasonable man baby.

I think the relationship has run its course tbh.

TargetPractice11 · 11/08/2024 03:35

The chaplain thing is hilarious.

I think this is a good time to reset some expectations. You don't want to find yourself married, with children and a husband who expects complete rest and pampering every time he has a cold.

Does he show a similar level of concern when you are sick? In my experience these things tend to go one way.

I think you're hitting the right balance. Visit, bring soup. Listen for an hour. Tell him he looks better every day. But don't get drawn into acting like he's an invalid.

You can set your boundaries and gently show him you're not going to indulge the idea he needs a carer when he doesn't.

If he's climbing stairs etc then he can fetch his own tea etc.

HermioneMakepeace0 · 11/08/2024 02:16

You’re here mocking him on Mumsnet. Rightly or wrongly.

You’re only 18 months in.

He’s not for you.

(did he actually SAY he likes to be babied or is that your slant on it?)

bergamotorange · 11/08/2024 01:49

Horachied · 10/08/2024 19:53

Tbh I ask all this as I don’t have a good bearing as to what a a good, ‘normal’ relationship looks like when it comes to being loving.

I had a very abusive childhood and was rarely shown parental love, even after having serious surgery. I was just left to get on with it myself without getting any sympathy.

I recognise that this is extreme and unhealthy, but I don’t quite know what level of love and care is now typicallly expected of a partner at this stage of a relationship

In what context did he say he wants to be babied when ill and what specifically does he mean?

Because if you were left to it, it could be that he is just expecting normal levels of concern, and the actual issue is you expect abnormal levels of self-sufficiency.