Am I being dramatic to say I don’t want this much contact? At wits end

No, her mum just needs to listen to what the OP directly asked for. It's not hard to listen to and respect someones wishes.

All those messages and no communication.
Just tell her it’s stressing you out as you have to get on with your day.
I agree it sounds like your mum needs to get a new hobby or find some voluntary work.

I had similar with my mum a few months bak.

It's been going on for years the constant messages and what are you doing,what are you having for tea etc etc.

If I didn't reply straight away she would then call and if I didn't answer she would call dh phone or dc phone.

I had to get stroppy with her in the end and tell her if I don't reply it's because I'm busy and it's not an emergency so shel have to wait.

A few months ago I had a really bad week with her and dad constantly demanding I go over after work etc as they needed me to do stuff for them etc and I lost my tag with them both.

Reminded them I work around 60 hours a week in my own business. I have a house and family to run and they are young enough to be fully capable of looking after and occupying themselves and to stop forcing themselves and demanding on me all the time.

When I left that day I told them I wouldn't be over for at least a week and I wouldn't be replying to any messages hnless they were urgent as i was so so pissed ofd with them for being so bloody selfish.

i did get one apology message from my mum that was v brief.

the next time i went ovwr my auntie was there so it was oerfevt timjng to tell her and explain in frony of them all that its not ok to behave like it.

since then its totally differenr.

i pop over when i want to not when they want me to and they dont badger me

Just be honest! A conversation done kindly is surely the most obvious approach?

Moms of adult kids really can’t win can they? Not interested enough / too interested. Not invested enough / over invested. Don’t communicate / too much communication.

so in short, yes I think you are being a bit of a dick.

but you will get plenty of validation on mn from the (seems to be) majority of people who have little or no patience with their parents.

Absolutely YANBU.
You have your own life.
I use ANY excuse not to spend time with one (emotionally abusive) surviving parent of mine
in another country.
I haven't visited for five years and don't regret
one single step.
I'm 45.

Bloody hell

I am still at home at 39 and my parents are incredibly stifling. Text me when we are all in the house together. If I go out alone even for a short while they will message me. When I have done a long day at work, they expect me to sit and chat with them as they haven't seen me all day. My mum in particular has some very odd ideas and thinks we should all be in each others pockets.
I have had to set boundaries which isnt easy for a people pleaser like me but it's making me massively resent them.
All I can do is keep saving and hope for my own place as I feel the relationship between us all would improve. But I still think they would be the same with me if I moved but it would at least give me a bit of breathing space.

You shouldn't feel bad. Nobody lives forever but it doesn't mean we have to spend every waking moment in contact with them out of duty. Just reduce the amount of replies you send - even explain that you can't always respond because you are busy at work. As people age they begin to lack awareness of those that still have a lot of obligations such as work and raising children and think that everyone's time is as free as their own! Yes, they are your parents, but you don't owe them anything and shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a bit of distance. Good luck.

Don’t guilt trip the op. If she feels overwhelmed by them, she feels overwhelmed. It’s not fair to tell her she should put up with things that affect her just because one day her parents will be dead. I say this as someone who lost a parent very young. Obviously id give anything for a text from my dad. But I can still appreciate that someone else’s parent messaging them all day would be annoying for them.

tell them you’re reducing your phone usage as you’ve become too reliant on it and you feel you need to step back from your phone more. And for them not to worry if you don’t reply straight away because you’re going to be on it so much less.

How about a grown up conversation “hi mum, could you slow down the messaging I’m finding it a bit full on” just talk to her - how is she meant to know it’s a issue if you don’t say!

Yes this! Appreciate them while you have them still, I don't have any parents or grandparents and it's kinda lonely not to have anyone apart from my sister now. Maybe just say to your Mum that you can't always respond quickly if you are working and for her not to worry, so she knows and won't hassle you so much if she doesn't hear back. I can understand as my Mum used to irritate me at times, but now she's been gone a long time, I really miss her and wish I had been different with her back then when I was younger. Try to find a compromise somehow.

I think you will change your tune OP when one day don't have calls or texts and when the only visit will be to put flowers on their headstone. I think you will look back at this and it will hurt like hell. Good luck

I sometimes think I live in a parallel universe. Literally everyone in my family and all my friends speak to/message their parents every day. How busy is your life that you can’t take ten seconds to reply to a text? Even if they bombarded you it would take less time to reply than it does to start a post on here about it.

@Mazpaz why is it horrible to not want to talk to your parent/s multiple times a day, even though you visit them twice a week?

How old is your sibling to get away with the not good with phones excuse?

yes it’s annoying and you need to tell them that you don’t feel the need to respond or even look at it straight away

its exhausting being on call all
the time for basically nonsense. even though one day you will be wishing for a text as they’ll be gone.

set boundaries now as when they get older and less active etc it will get worse

Why do you need to check in with people 2-3 times a day though? Unless there is a medical reason or it's reciprocal then you're being too much, tone it down.

Just because you're their parent doesn't entitle you to be so invasive, they're adults, with their own busy lives.

Why not just turn off notifications?

Reduce you responses - i.e. how are things from her? you reply All good - sorry busy. Keep responding short replies and it will be uncomfortable at first she might protest and moan but if you need space you are the only one who can enforce this. I hate to say it but your sibling is no doubt fibbing and laughing at the fact that they have already done this.

Yes exactly this. She obviously just wants to keep in touch. Maybe explain that you will reply when you finish work/get a chance etc. and not feel that you have to reply immediately.

I would never impose the level of dependency on my children that my parents have on me. My sister and I have been used as emotional crutches for our parents all our lives, particularly me as the eldest.
I want my children to live independent lives and not feel they have responsibility for my happiness. Both my husband and I have said we would go into nursing homes rather that ask our children to mind us. I want them free from that responsibility. Occasional visits and messages would be lovely but I wouldn't expect daily contact.

All I can say is I am glad you aren’t my kids
actually sounds so horrible 🙈

Make it not personal to them, maybe?

Say you're putting your phone on silent in your bag at work because otherwise it bings away constantly with messages from your hobby group, best friend, dog sitter, hairdresser, ex workmate's hen party planning group, your other hobby group, etc etc.

'...oh & you, mum, to be fair! Haha...!'

Say you're only checking your phone quickly at lunch times.

Then for the next week, send one quick breezy reply AT lunchtime to confirm you aren't dead & will get back to them that evening.

Week two, make it a thumb's up emoji...

Hopefully by week three, they'll have realised they'll only really get an interaction if they message/call when it's convenient?

@OrangeFurever @annieloulou stop with the guilt tripping. Guess what? We are all going to die one day. Does that mean that none of us should ever ask those around us to be more considerate or change behaviour that is causing us stress because they will die one day? Don't be ridiculous.