In-laws visiting too often - I have a 13 month old and a newborn

This thread is from August…

presumably your husband is not 13 if he has 2 small children already?!

If they're proper 'guests' then they wait to be invited or ask for a suitable time/date... and are treated like guests.

If they're family and want to turn up at any time, little to no notice, then they need to muck in with whatever is going on at the time they arrive, and be prepared for there to be no dinner as you didn't have sufficient notice to make enough.

So they turn up, you hand them a baby and tell them to get cracking on bath/bedtime etc...

You sit down to eat your own meal 'didn't know you were coming round until it was all prepped and in the oven, don't mind us...'

YOu point them at the kitchen and kettle, they know how to make themselves a brew.

You're not ignoring them or shutting them out, but if they don't want to be involved or are just coming round for a free meal and to get underfoot, it'll soon stop!

If grandparents are there at bed time (if they're fit and well) then they are on bath and story duties and I'm resting (or getting on with my very long do to list more likely). Why else would they pop over at bedtime?

'Help yourself to tea and coffee' is all you need to say.

Also their son should be dealing with them not you.

You can also say no when people tell you they want to visit. If you make them feel very welcome they will reasonably assume they're
Welcome.

If DH doesn't say no then he needs to feed, entertain and take responsibility for them. Tell him ahead of time and stick to it.

IT ISN’T THE GRANDPARENTS.

My in laws used to come round when mine were a similar age. They never helped, just sat there. They used to come unannounced so I stopped answering the door. Even if they knew we were in, could see cars in drive, hear baby etc, I just ignored it. They soon stopped.

If it's not parents, I would feel even less guilt about abandoning the whole lot of them.

Hand MIL the baby as she comes in and say "could you please get this one bathed and into pyjamas please".

Hand FIL a knife/pair of oven gloves and say "DH will let you know what needs to be done".

Give DH a kiss on the cheek and say "right dear, now you have your parents to help you with dinner and bedtime, I'm popping out for a bit of peace and quiet. Let me know when everyone's asleep in bed and I'll come back".

Leave before anyone can stop you. Go visit a friend, pop out to a cafe, sit in your car whatever. Just take some time for you.

Three adults ought to be able to manage two small children between them.

My in laws did this, it drove me nuts. They didn’t even let us know, they just turned up. We moved 200 miles away, that stopped it.

Practice and repeat, selecting any of the below

"Good to see you, whilst you are here please can you tidy the kitchen/wash the bottles/fold the laundry/make me a cuppa while you make one for yourselves/put the hoover over/unstack the dishwasher/sorry I haven't made extra for tea but feel free to order yourselves a takeaway iif you want to eat with us"

Start greeting them at the door with a load of laundry, thankful they have arrived to help with the evening chores while you and husband get the children bathed and settled for bed. Then go do that. Don't entertain them.

Or husband grows some balls and says no. They aren't his parents, which is understandably harder to say no to, they are CF siblings.

You have a dh problem. He is putting everyone before you and your kids.

Id be so angry with him!

I'd keep shouting down instructions to DH while I was bathing the older one or whatever "DH, please get the 2 chicken legs out of the fridge and put them in the oven so we can eat in 40 mins", "DH, please hang that washing out while the baby is playing on their mat. gosh, it never ends but we want to get to bed ourselves before 10 don't we."

just reinforces her role as organiser and his as helper.

They’re not grandparents. It’s two sets of aunts and uncles, one set haven’t got kids.

What am I reading?! Your DH needs to say no. He's putting them before you and his kids. They wouldn't get in my house but if they somehow did I'd keep shouting down instructions to DH while I was bathing the older one or whatever "DH, please get the 2 chicken legs out of the fridge and put them in the oven so we can eat in 40 mins", "DH, please hang that washing out while the baby is playing on their mat. gosh, it never ends but we want to get to bed ourselves before 10 don't we." Don't offer tea, certainly not dinner or pudding! Start directing them to help too. Do not stand for this shit.

They're not guests they're grandparents. Either don't offer them dinner or ask for help making the dinner. Give them jobs to do while they're there. That might be their expectation anyway? It would have been with my kids grandparents. Perhaps they come then because they want to be involved in the evening meal and bedtime routine. And if they don't they'll soon stop coming then.

This is ridiculous from your in-laws.

1. Just say no.
2. Don't answer the phone.
3. Don't answer the door, if they turn up anyway.
4. Ask your husband to organise more sensible meeting times (once a week/fortnight/month/whatever). 5)If all that fails, move 100 miles away 😂

And definitely don't give them "homemade dessert"!

I find it sad to read this OP _ they are people with their own kids right? So they remember what it's like.

Visiting someone with a newborn and letting them feed you dinner! it is outrageous and incredibly thoughtless

I think this is a moment for honesty not polite hints - I would tell them very clearly - look, we are struggling with newborn and toddler and visitors at that time is making bedtime and dinner harder. Say 'oh Im sure you remember the sleepless days etc' - and then suggest a visit plan that would actually work for you

Quite!

The more you write, the more apparent it becomes that what you have is a DH problem.

If they're like this, I'd stop being so nice/polite. They're obviously not bothered about giving you any respect, so why should you be bothered about them?