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Original poster

Urgent advice possibly have a grandchild

117 replies

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 10:29

Hi all , I'm going to get straight to the point here
This is specifically aimed at those of you in the know about this subject, factual info only please.
Social workers, those that work within the law ? Or those who have actually been through something similar and can share thier own experiences of this would be very helpful.

My son has arrived home for the summer from university, he has just been informed that he could be the father of a child.
The baby has already been born.
The mother of the baby lives very far away from us .
There is a possibility the baby could be his , however there are also 2 other potential fathers of this baby.
As soon as my son found out there could be a possibility he acted so supportive and mature ( hes 19) he is desperate to find out if he is this baby's biological father, as so am I.
This is obviously not the most ideal situation, however neither of us cares , we just want to know if this baby is our child/ grandchild so we can support the baby , be part of its life and support mum of need be.
Please advise us where we go from here , how do we go about getting a dna test ? Not an internet ordered one. We want a proper dna test through the courts etc. My son is saying he is determined not to let this child down and be part of its life however we need to know for certain before we go any further.
I would appreciate any advice given, than you.

OP posts:
CottonwoolCubes · 10/08/2024 20:14

I th

PassingStranger · 10/08/2024 20:02

Ask her if she's now got contraception sorted.
3 possible fathers, that not nice gor the baby.

AquaFurball · 10/08/2024 19:58

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 19:14

Yes she has agreed, however it will be left entirely up to us (my son and I to arrange/ visit her and baby) she hasnt the money to travel or pay for a test

Show quote history

You don't need to travel to her to get a DNA test done, you can arrange to have it done through your GP and have her get the baby's test done through hers. Social workers know this, she should have already had this discussion with them.
It doesn't involve sending any money to her, just the test sent to her GP.

StormingNorman · 10/08/2024 19:41

OP you and your son are handling this with so much kindness and empathy towards the mother. It’s really commendable. I hope you can get the DNA test sorted quickly so you have some clarity one way or another.

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 19:18

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 18:00

Maybe think about what happens if he's not the dad, it's not fair on him to feel guilty , sad or responsible for her if his test is negative.

He wont be feeling guilty about not being the biological father of this child. He will go back to being a typical 19 year old university student enjoying his life and put it all behind him. We will wish them both well and move on

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 19:14

Marseillaise · 10/08/2024 18:55

Has your son asked the mother if she would agree to a DNA test voluntarily?

Yes she has agreed, however it will be left entirely up to us (my son and I to arrange/ visit her and baby) she hasnt the money to travel or pay for a test

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 19:12

Ponderingwindow · 10/08/2024 18:54

Why are people disparaging this mother for trying to assist her son in doing the right thing.

if he is the father, he needs to establish paternity. There is no other moral course of action. If he doesn’t take steps to check if the baby is his, he is a bad person. If he isn’t the father, that will be ruled out and he can move on with his life knowing he did his due diligence.

what happens after paternity is established is up for the parents of the child to negotiate. The father cant take 50:50
custody of an infant. They will need to work out a parenting schedule that is in the child’s best interests. The father will also need to find some way to provide financial support, even if he is a student because again, it’s the only moral thing to do. Both are many steps away and may not even be something this young man needs to worry about.

Thank you !!

OP posts:
Marseillaise · 10/08/2024 18:55

Has your son asked the mother if she would agree to a DNA test voluntarily?

Ponderingwindow · 10/08/2024 18:54

Why are people disparaging this mother for trying to assist her son in doing the right thing.

if he is the father, he needs to establish paternity. There is no other moral course of action. If he doesn’t take steps to check if the baby is his, he is a bad person. If he isn’t the father, that will be ruled out and he can move on with his life knowing he did his due diligence.

what happens after paternity is established is up for the parents of the child to negotiate. The father cant take 50:50
custody of an infant. They will need to work out a parenting schedule that is in the child’s best interests. The father will also need to find some way to provide financial support, even if he is a student because again, it’s the only moral thing to do. Both are many steps away and may not even be something this young man needs to worry about.

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 18:41

ListentotheButterflies · 10/08/2024 18:26

Don't get drawn in too much until you have the test results, where are the other boys she slept with in all

This is very sensible.

Are there two other mums of sons, like you, dealing with this angst?

Apparently there is one lad she cannot get hold of the other has told her he isnt interested

OP posts:
AdultChildQuestion · 10/08/2024 18:34

Use one of the accredited tests. Make sure the results come to your son, not her (or to both your son and her, but definitely not to just her).

You and your son sound like lovely people who want to do the right thing. Good on you.

ListentotheButterflies · 10/08/2024 18:26

Don't get drawn in too much until you have the test results, where are the other boys she slept with in all

This is very sensible.

Are there two other mums of sons, like you, dealing with this angst?

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 18:00

Maybe think about what happens if he's not the dad, it's not fair on him to feel guilty , sad or responsible for her if his test is negative.

MissMoneyFairy · 10/08/2024 17:56

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 17:41

I was really concerned about her welfare too. I've had a chat with her & the council have just found her & the baby a place. I think the reason she has a social worker is because she has no support from her family whatsoever . Poor girl, I really feel for her.

Show quote history

It's great that your son is helping but do be careful, she was unfaithful to him putting him at risk, if the baby is his this will affect his whole life and if its not then he's been shattered by the news anyway. Don't get drawn in too much until you have the test results, where are the other boys she slept with in all this.

Louoby · 10/08/2024 17:50

Good for your son for wanting to do the right thing. Go to a court accredited dna test company. The baby's mother holds all the cards here. If you find out baby is your son's and she refuses access then you can go to court for potential access. Good luck

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 17:45

ListentotheButterflies · 10/08/2024 17:14

The mum is contacting all the men she's had sex with because she's hard up and wants child maintenance. She clearly didn't give a moment's consideration to the trauma this could bring to 3 (or more) men and waited until the baby arrived when she realised she had no money.

We dont know what contraception she/they were using but I think she should have some idea of who the father might be, unless she was having sex with 3 men in very quick succession.

I feel sorry for your son as this woman doesn't come over as considerate .

I understand where you are coming from , however I wont be judging her in this situation as it is not at all helpful. .
Were pushing our egos aside & thinking of the babys and her welfare right now. My sons obviously got alot going on but hes wanting to deal with it instead of running away. The fact that she has absolutely no support from her family really says alot to us about her previous home life which my son has now said she had told him she wasnt treated well by her family in the past at all.

OP posts:
Grannywithnoplanny · 10/08/2024 17:44

My gosh there's some mental replies on here!! You sound brilliant and so does your son. Good for him and you for wanting to find out if this his child and to be there to support. I've been through the unexpected grandparent scenario. I would just support him in respectfully approaching the mum, asking for a DNA test for the baby - if he had been in a relationship with the mum that ended because she cheated it's a fair request. Nothing should have to end up in court. If it does and the court for some reason won't accept your result cross that bridge with the courts guidance.

Excited101 · 10/08/2024 17:42

No criticism here, you and your son sound like you’re taking a really great stance on all this- well done!

I’m about to be a mum for the first time at 38, grandparent at one year older is blowing my mind!

good luck op, I hope it all works out for you- do keep us updated if you can.

Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 17:41

TheSquareMile · 10/08/2024 17:12

@Candystardaisy87

Is there someone who can help her with what she needs in terms of accommodation and money, OP?

You say that she has no money and I'm concerned that this means that she and the baby have nowhere to live.

Show quote history

I was really concerned about her welfare too. I've had a chat with her & the council have just found her & the baby a place. I think the reason she has a social worker is because she has no support from her family whatsoever . Poor girl, I really feel for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 17:39

Temporarynameforthisone · 10/08/2024 16:17

Social workers frequent the adoption board I would move your post to that board for correct advice from people who know.

Thank you, I am not sure how to move the thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 17:38

Conniebygaslight · 10/08/2024 15:58

Not of course at all….it wasn’t clear in your OP. Is the mother willing to assist with the DNA test?

Show quote history

Apologies if that came across as rude. I didnt mean it to. I kind of meant for us to want to go as far as paternity testing I would had to hear the news directly from the mother herself

OP posts:
OlympicBlue · 10/08/2024 17:31

Just get an approved test to find out to start with. If he’s going to be acknowledges s father you can repeat one on the future if needed, but keep everyone on side and make it as easy as possible atm, you can do one pretty quickly. You don’t need a court one unless fighting for custody which doesn’t sound like is the case here so just find out if he is the father to start with with one of the suggestions here.

TheSquareMile · 10/08/2024 17:30

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 15:35

I've had some helpful replies , thank you for those. In regards to the dna testing , we are willing to pay for this as she has told us she has no money and very little support. I'm just wondering what happens if she lives far away ? Will she need to attend the gp in her area for testing? Or would we need to visit them?

@Candystardaisy87

I wonder whether the service offered by King's College could be the one for you, OP. It sounds as though the baby's mother would be open to discussion about this possibility.

It says: "a sampling kit [can be] sent to a medical professional of your choice".

I'm wondering whether both your son and the baby's mother could make an appointment with their respective GPs to say that this is something they need to do, so that the GPs can agree to having the tests delivered to their surgeries. In the case of the mother, this may open the door to the support she needs in other respects; it doesn't sound as though things are going very well for her.

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/forensics/accredited-services/dna-analysis-kings

nonewsday · 10/08/2024 17:27

Candystardaisy87 · 10/08/2024 13:37

I am quite disappointed by some of these comments, I am a feminist however I have now seen from another pov , the mans side how awful women can turn. He is 19 years old! He is trying to be a good man! And yet still slated ... disgraceful

Yep it's always the same on here! Men can never ever win. He wants to be involved you ask for advice he is still slated. It annoys me so so much!

TheGreenKnight · 10/08/2024 17:18

Sorry OP you will never win against Mumsnet hypocrisy. If he’d said he wanted nothing to do with the child he would be castigated. If he wants to do the right thing his motives are questioned. Good on him for wanting to be the best Dad he can.

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