Does husband need to take responsibility for this?

Bless you OP.

I was in a similar boat to you. DH liked to spend like there's no tomorrow, and was in a bit of debt (a personal loan with a bank - which he never ever needed in the first place...), whereas i was the 'frugal' one. We've found a really good balance now after a serious chat and full overview of finances every month. He sends me big a chunk of his wage every month to put in our savings pot so he can't spend it (his idea).😅

You need to sit him down this weekend when kids are in bed, and have a serious chat. He needs to open the letter and face it head on. It's HMRC for christ sake, it isn't something that will go away. There can be serious consequences for unpaid tax bills.

I would want to know what his plan of action is, and how he will pay/manage it i.e - what's he going to cut back on? and does he realise how this will affect the family. Does he realise the consequences of his actions?

Sometimes if you plainly lay out the consequences of their spending in real terms. I.e with that £8K it could have gone towards ... a family holiday he wanted/Christmas presents/weekend away/birthdays/decorating kids room/new bathroom/something the children really wanted - but now we can't afford that, it can make them realise?

If your DH listens, it's a fresh chance to go over your combined finances, and make a new monthly family budget of incomings/outgoings. For my DH, writing down his outgoings in one place made him gasp at all the frivolous crap he was spending on and really opened his eyes. Doing this may make him realise he has a problem with spending which he may need to speak to his GP/a therapist about.

If he buries his head in the sand about tax bills, are you certain he doesn't have any other secret debt too?

Open the letter yourself. Waiting to next week is nonsense.

I'm stunned how passive you're being!
You don't want to 'make him unhappy' by mentioning the massive financial mess you're about to be in? What about your happiness? And that of the children?
You need a frank and open conversation.

Your own weight / health is your responsibility though I'm afraid

Yes your dh does need to take responsibility for this op but you catch more flies with honey than vinegar! Constantly saying no is not your job, nor is it the answer.

I recognise my dh a bit in your dh op, but not as extreme. They are fundamentally good life affirming people. My dh loves food and I think, wastes a lot of money on it. In my husband’s case, it was to do with his childhood where, as a pp said, his family “never argued” as they were fond of telling me, but instead ate all of their emotions It is also about control in his case as he never had money to spend.

I think a weekend away with your dh would be good. Really talk to him. Get close and create a good communicative atmosphere. Emphasise all of his positive points and ask why he feels the need to spend so much frivolously (say it more tactfully than that) and really listen? Is it self esteem? A need to be loved? A sense of being in control?

Make sure he knows how much you love and value him for who he is and not for any presents he buys you, but that this is becoming a real problem in your marriage and could you reach some compromise on it? Tell him how unsafe it makes you feel having bills going unpaid and you want more savings in the bank. And how unfair it is and how bad it makes you feel to be put in the role of spending monitor.

Maybe you could agree that you will move towards becoming more spontaneous in various ways and he moves towards reducing his spending and paying the bills in a timely manner and instigating a savings plan?

If this doesn’t work, a few sessions with a marriage counsellor to address this specific issue might be good. Usually the solution for similar problems is to communicate better, and put strategies in place that make you feel safe (a monthly accounts review meeting?) and allow him to spend spontaneously but that the spending is curtailed (a certain amount reserved in a joint account for presents once all bills are paid and savings deposited).

Having said all of that, he definitely needs to pay off this particular bill himself or he won’t learn otherwise. And he needs to agree to be open and transparent about future bills and when they are paid.

Yes he needs to grow and take responsibility for himself. Like sorting out HMRC when things come up, not just ignoring it.

You say he doesn’t like to talk about feeling and happiest when shopping. The two are likely linked.

But you will likely need to compromise as well. It’s not ‘live simply’ or his way. You can meet in the middle.

Also you need to take responsibility for yourself as well. It’s not his fault you crumble. And if him being overweight and unhealthy habits impacted your child weight and eating habits, then your eating habits and weight also impacted the child. It can’t be just his fault.

and it can’t be his fault you need to lose weight (I say this as someone who is over weight and trying to learn healthy eating habits myself). You need to take responsibility for yourself as well. You have control of your own life too.

Can he sort out the kids clothes as a consequence of his overspending - it might also show him just how much stuff they have. You shouldn't be doing that while he gets a warm fuzzy feeling from giving a gift.

Start making sure he gets receipts and starts taking things back. A gift should be about the recipient, not the giver, and the sooner he realises he's just giving stress, the better.

Rather than you removing your things, could you ask him to find a solution to the children having too much stuff? It might make him see more clearly

I’d consider some radical honesty. Dh I love you, but as it is the house is overflowing and I am overwhelmed. We need less stuff not more. Also, I don’t want you to drop dead on me in a few years and I get to remember you as my kids father who didn’t care enough about their future to get healthy, and has also set our children on unhealthy life trajectories which leads to disease and poor quality of life, while I get random bills turn up from things you forgot to sort to remind me of you. Those reminders won’t be awww he was so wonderful moments.

please could we open the tax bill, make a budget plan, which will be massively helped by having a buy nothing month during which we clean out the kids clothes and start to think about healthy eating and an active lifestyle? I know I need to work on those two too and I’d like us to work on it together with the children and set them up for a healthy life. Please.

id be falling out of love to be honest, but I value fitness and health quite highly, not least so I can enjoy retirement and being an active grandparent!

It’s understandable to want joy, but the amount of stuff you all have means that it’s not making you happy any more. Eating and drinking treats is making you uncomfortable and not happier… do you think that he could approach change from that perspective? That celebration is wonderful but you need new ways to celebrate?

I couldn't be married to someone with so many huge issues which jeopardise the family.

He's not generous, he has a shopping addiction.
It really is that simply.
You think it is all about you and your children, but it is all about him.

Then he shuts you down by refusing to talk.
His over eating is part of the emotional issue.

You are afraid of bringing it up and him being angry or upset....which effectively shuts you down.

This is a really shit marriage with financial abuse.
He spends, you worry.

Get some counselling for yourself to get you out of this fog and hopefully to give you the strength and bravery to see the wood from the trees.

My close friend is married to someone similar for 30 years.
He has just spent their second and final inheritance from his mother.
Money that would have been better spent on their youngests university has been spent on an expensive campervan.

She works, has a good job, but whilst he wants to retire soon on his small pension and commit to his many interests and hobbies, she will have to work on.

A shit show.
I can't stand him and we haven't socialised with him for a good 15 years, too selfish.

She's so lovely. Despite earning well and technically having loads of money, she has worried about money for the duration of our 25 friendship.

With what he has spent on shite over 30 years, they could both be happily retired.
It's hard to watch and listen to.

So if this is LAST YEARS tax bill he hasn't made any arrangement to pay yet... they'll be close to taking it to court if he isn't responding. This is SERIOUS. If he gets a CCJ to his name - then he won't be able to rent or get a re- mortgage for at least 7 years... it will all be on you, on your salary alone. Can your family live on your salary alone? On paper - I get that the reality is that you already are as his is all for treats!

And you're clearing our your stuff because of his spending.. why not clear out the kids and sell some of the excess... or his stuff? You are teaching the kids treats for them/him come first and you will deal with the consequences!

Do not mess with the Tax Department. My FIL did a similar thing to your DH, and never recovered from it - it cost him among other things, his marriage, his family, his friends, their house. . . all because he loved playing the big rich I Am, and pretended that all the shit he was storing up would go away without him ever having to deal with it, or suffer any repercussions. And he dragged far too many people down with him on the way, his wonderful, trusting wife, all his off spring to varying degrees, far too many of his friends who he hit up for money (they then turned up to his son's restaurant, asking him for recompense). . .

Why don’t you clear out the kids clothes instead of your own? Start selling them if you need to and put the money away for a rainy day. Your DH sounds frustratingly financially reckless and you will probably need a rainy day fund somewhere. I think he has deeper issues that he’s not dealing with. All this treating himself and others whilst not being able to talk about anything meaningful screams un-dealt with trauma.

@Bucketbluebell And this is exactly what you say to him “No heads in the sand for this one. You forgot once and we cant afford for you to forget again. Open it now so that we can deal with it”

I’d be opening the letter. Yes it may be addressed to him but the contents of it affect you both. Then once you know what you’re dealing with I’d tell him we’re going to sit down and work out a budget or he can move out.

You say it isn’t worth breaking up the family but honestly if he’s using shopping to make him feel better then he’s as bad as an alcoholic or drug addict and he needs some support to see where this is heading if he doesn’t deal with it head on.

Opening it next week isn't good enough when you say you're both bad for forgetting paperwork.
Get him to do it now. Unpaid tax is serious if its ignored. No heads in the sand for this one!!

I feel for you.

You clearly aren't in LTB territory but it sounds like you are being pulled down.

You're being very passive here. I'd be enraged. I hate any debt though.

He definitely has a big problem.

He sounds like an immature man child who needs to grow up, realise he’s an adult with responsibilities and start living up to them.

Tell him to open the letter and call HMRC and they will very likely set up a repayment plan.

Seeing red would mean an argument in my house. Id be very pissed off that there was a massive bill to pay in the first place, especially when it means ive got to pay towards something that ive not done. Id be angry with him that he got it in the first place/put money aside for this (is he self employed?). Tbh weve always had separate accounts/money in my house, so if my H got a tax bill, i wouldnt pay any of it, thats on him!

I'm wondering if he deals with stress and negative feelings by shopping? My mil and sil were like that. A bit like how some drink their feelings, some eat their feelings, they shopped their feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle.

He's living in lala land!