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Original poster

Am I being unfair to my DM - booze police

36 replies

PurpleSky300 · 10/08/2024 05:16

My DM used to be a heavy binge drinker. She has gotten a lot better in recent years but still has no "stop" button and it frequently embarrasses me, which nobody seems to understand.

We were invited to my close friend's wedding recently, and I said to my DM - please don't get drunk because this is important, please try and pace it during the day. But there was a lot of free booze and she didn't pace it and before long she was staggering around to different tables, clapping her hands together and demanding they all pose for pictures, slurring, raising her voice. I could see people rolling their eyes and trying to go along with it but I felt like I knew what they were thinking deep down and that upset me.

I asked her to rein it in, and she did. She swapped from booze to soft drinks for an hour, had some buffet food and was more of herself again, and I was really glad. But she said I'm awful to her, always getting on at her, being the booze police etc etc when nobody else minded it. And I wasn't sure what to think. I asked my friend (the bride) and she says "people get drunk at weddings, it happens, she means no harm".

So I feel like some kind of goblin. But I also feel upset and embarrassed by the effect that alcohol has on my DM and her inability to see how it makes her behave. She shouts, she slurs, she makes rude comments about people in their earshot, she makes a scene. I feel like at any social event, it's a lucky dip as to whether she'll get like that or she'll be able to hold it together. But nobody else seems to be as bothered by it as I am.

OP posts:
Moglet4 · 10/08/2024 06:37

mytuppennyworth · 10/08/2024 05:19

Why does it bother you? It isn't really your business, just let her be. If you don't enjoy her company don't socialise with her

It reflects on OP. Plus it means that every family event is ruined. I understand because my Mum is exactly the same.

Willmafrockfit · 10/08/2024 06:32

totally understandable op.
you are not the booze police

0hshutupshirley · 10/08/2024 05:59

Sorry OP. This sounds awful. I suspect you already know this but your mum clearly has an alcohol problem. Honestly I think id try and distance yourself from her. At least at events where alcohol will be available. There's nothing you can do about it really. She has to want to change.
My mum was an alcoholic too. It eventually killed her. She used to act like this and it was horrible.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 10/08/2024 05:54

Hectorscalling · 10/08/2024 05:34

Did you invite her to the wedding?

or did your friend? If your friend invited her, it’s really nothing to do with you. And I don’t mean that to be nasty, I mean her behaviour is no reflection on you. If your friend invited her knowing what she is like, then that’s on your friend if she behaves poorly. And that is the difficult bit because it doesn’t feel like that.

If you are inviting her to things as harsh as it is, I would stop. I would be honest and tell her why, but stop taking her places.

I do get it though. My best friends mum is similar. We try to reassure my friend that it’s ok. But it’s a massive drain on my friend. They can’t enjoy any family event as she has one eye on her mum. She often ends up leaving early. I tell her the same, it’s not her responsibility or a reflection on her. But I also get that it’s hard when you can see her annoying people or people judging her. One of her siblings won’t get married because if they don’t invite her it will cause massive drama. If they do invite her she will be drunk and something will happen. I suspect they will go abroad and do it, without anyone there. Which is a shame as that’s not what they want.

Your friend might be just saying ‘it’s ok’ to try and make you feel better or they may really not see the issue. If they don’t, in a few weeks can you have an honest heart to heart with your friend. See if they understand your pov. Sometimes just having one person understand helps. Or she may point out that people aren’t annoyed, that it’s just your perception. But I would bet it’s that your friend accepts your mother being there and behaving like that is a given so put up with it for you.

I feel for your friend, it sounds like an identical situation.

As for my friend, we've talked about it a lot and she was around years ago when the binge episodes were bad so she knows the history. I would say she does understand my concern but she also feels like I have a kind of "raw nerve" about it, I see it as bigger than it is due to the past.

So she'll say eg. "As long as they're not being aggressive or anything, most people can handle a person being a bit drunk. They will pose for pictures or just absorb a couple of comments and they might laugh but then they will forget about it. It's nothing they won't have seen a million times. It's not worth being hung up over".

It is just hard to disassociate from those feelings of embarrassment.

OP posts:
Scarletrunner · 10/08/2024 05:54

I’m getting counselling decades after having an alcoholic father. Why do people invite her -it used to be considered funny sometimes when people staggered around but never I’m my experience if it was an older woman.
i would probably not go in this situation.

Neverneverneveragain · 10/08/2024 05:39

I think YANBU, I would feel exactly the same in the circumstances

Hectorscalling · 10/08/2024 05:34

Did you invite her to the wedding?

or did your friend? If your friend invited her, it’s really nothing to do with you. And I don’t mean that to be nasty, I mean her behaviour is no reflection on you. If your friend invited her knowing what she is like, then that’s on your friend if she behaves poorly. And that is the difficult bit because it doesn’t feel like that.

If you are inviting her to things as harsh as it is, I would stop. I would be honest and tell her why, but stop taking her places.

I do get it though. My best friends mum is similar. We try to reassure my friend that it’s ok. But it’s a massive drain on my friend. They can’t enjoy any family event as she has one eye on her mum. She often ends up leaving early. I tell her the same, it’s not her responsibility or a reflection on her. But I also get that it’s hard when you can see her annoying people or people judging her. One of her siblings won’t get married because if they don’t invite her it will cause massive drama. If they do invite her she will be drunk and something will happen. I suspect they will go abroad and do it, without anyone there. Which is a shame as that’s not what they want.

Your friend might be just saying ‘it’s ok’ to try and make you feel better or they may really not see the issue. If they don’t, in a few weeks can you have an honest heart to heart with your friend. See if they understand your pov. Sometimes just having one person understand helps. Or she may point out that people aren’t annoyed, that it’s just your perception. But I would bet it’s that your friend accepts your mother being there and behaving like that is a given so put up with it for you.

Original poster
PurpleSky300 · 10/08/2024 05:32

mytuppennyworth · 10/08/2024 05:19

Why does it bother you? It isn't really your business, just let her be. If you don't enjoy her company don't socialise with her

For the same reason visible drunkenness bothers most people. People were rolling their eyes, they were trying not to laugh. It isn't dignified, it isn't a nice feeling. And it's not a true reflection of my DM who is a lovely person when sober.

OP posts:
dontstopmenowimhavingagoodtime · 10/08/2024 05:28

YANBU, you are very kind to try to stop her embarrassing herself.

She should be grateful that you try.

I would be mortified if I was so drunk I was unaware I was irritating people. And whilst I assume it would be difficult to hear, be grateful for you letting me know.

I would however reduce any social time with her, because you shouldn't be on tenterhooks worrying about her.

Itsallok · 10/08/2024 05:26

I understand why you feel that way - but it doesn't reflect on you. Just on her. I agree it is pathetic behaviour for an adult at that age

mytuppennyworth · 10/08/2024 05:19

Why does it bother you? It isn't really your business, just let her be. If you don't enjoy her company don't socialise with her