Abroad....Should have stayed at home

Waterdrophead · 2024-08-09T18:42:06+00:00

Just that really. Here in Gran Canaries with husband and teenage son (15). Husband is happy sitting in the shade reading his book. Teenage son is complaining he wants to be at home and I'm really fed up. I'm such a people person and love getting a bit dressed up in the evenings. So far, every evening we've been back in the room by 8pm (after my evening walk on my own as Husband and son want to chill out in the room on their phones etc). Am I right here in feeling peed off. For context this isn't the first year this has happened but I think this is the year I've really had enough. WWYD not now but in the future.

AmIEnough · 14/08/2024 07:47

FloatyBoaty · 09/08/2024 19:50

Tell your husband and your son that you are getting ready to go out for dinner and will be leaving at 8pm (or whatever). Tell them you will be going with or without them, and if they wish to come that’s great. If not- so be it. Get ready. Pack a book or magazine for yourself into your bag. Go out. Have dinner. Read your book or whatever. Maybe go for a drink at a nice bar or in the hotel bar after. Sit at the bar, and chat with the bar staff, if you don’t meet anyone else you’d like to chat to.

When you get back, you very calmly and without being snide, go to bed. If asked, you say very neutrally that you had a lovely evening thanks. And the next night you do the same.

perhaps book yourself onto an excursion in the day? Look out for other single or small groups of women you might be able to hang out with.

Its not ideal, no. But you’ve got agency here- you can take control of your own happiness. They will either see that you’re unhappy and join you, because they love you and want you to be happy. Or they won’t. With a teen it’s to be expected. They are generally utterly crap on holiday 😂 I know I was. With your husband, if he’s content to leave you alone and won’t compromise - you probably have some thinking to do.

Edited

This! Great idea, treat the holiday is if you’re on your own, do exactly what you want. Book yourself a spa treatment, book yourself on an excursion. If you can, try and socialise a little with people around the pool or in the bar. Just come and go as you please without any consideration for them as this is exactly how they are treating you. Enjoy your holiday, they are precious, especially when the weather in the UK is not always reliable. Best wishes.

Drigante · 12/08/2024 11:43

I hope you have had a better couple of days.

I think if one of you is more active you might need to accept going out on your own more. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not compatible. But there needs to be, somewhere, an intent from both of you for the other to have a nice time too. It can't be just "I need this from you" on either side, or both.

Original poster

Waterdrophead · 12/08/2024 09:45

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 10:03

My point is that OP is being unreasonable, since that’s what she asked. It’s called “Am I being unreasonable?” not “Come up with solutions for a situation I’ve caused by being unreasonable”.

She can do whatever she pleases. If she wants to go out, she can go out by herself. She doesn’t have the right to insist anyone else comes with her though. If two out of three people vote not to go out and socialise, why does the third person’s single vote overrule that?

The most unreasonable thing was booking a holiday that she must have known the majority of the family wouldn’t enjoy or want to participate in. That would be unreasonable even without the marriage issues, but the marriage issues make it even more unreasonable/stupid. Why would you assume your husband who isn’t into socialising will change on holiday in any circumstance, but especially when you aren’t even getting along at the moment? She can’t take that back now obviously, but it’s also unreasonable for her to be mad at them for not enjoying something she knew they wouldn’t enjoy.

Edited

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Also, this was a holiday booked with everyone having input. Most importantly it was somewhere my teen wanted to go when we all looked at holidays so please don't assume this was my decision only. If I had my choice I would have gone hiking in the.mountains lol but it was a family choice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Waterdrophead · 12/08/2024 09:32

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 09:05

YABU to know your marriage is struggling and act surprised that your husband doesn't want to go out of his way to do things he doesn’t want to in order to make you happy.

YABU to expect your son to be cheerful and not complain, when he's stuck in a foreign place without his friends and having to spend all his time with his parents who have a shitty vibe between them.

Edited

I don't think that's quite the situation but I'll take your point. Thanks anyway.

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 11/08/2024 17:29

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 10:03

My point is that OP is being unreasonable, since that’s what she asked. It’s called “Am I being unreasonable?” not “Come up with solutions for a situation I’ve caused by being unreasonable”.

She can do whatever she pleases. If she wants to go out, she can go out by herself. She doesn’t have the right to insist anyone else comes with her though. If two out of three people vote not to go out and socialise, why does the third person’s single vote overrule that?

The most unreasonable thing was booking a holiday that she must have known the majority of the family wouldn’t enjoy or want to participate in. That would be unreasonable even without the marriage issues, but the marriage issues make it even more unreasonable/stupid. Why would you assume your husband who isn’t into socialising will change on holiday in any circumstance, but especially when you aren’t even getting along at the moment? She can’t take that back now obviously, but it’s also unreasonable for her to be mad at them for not enjoying something she knew they wouldn’t enjoy.

Edited

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I think in most cases someone behaving as OPs husband has just fallen into a lazy rut, and by that I mean not accompanying his partner out and chatting to her when she clearly wants to go. Not necessarily drinking yards of ale and dancing on tables just a walk on the beach or a drink watching the world go by.

I can guarantee that if the OP and her husband split and he goes abroad with a new girlfriend he would be a different charming and energised version of himself as I'm sure he was with the OP when their relationship was new.

Yes we all get comfortable in a relationship but there are times we have to make the effort. I'm glad your partner has realised you are unhappy OP and has been willing to make more effort for you.

Olympia777 · 11/08/2024 11:44

I'd get a different husband

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2024 11:42

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 10:03

My point is that OP is being unreasonable, since that’s what she asked. It’s called “Am I being unreasonable?” not “Come up with solutions for a situation I’ve caused by being unreasonable”.

She can do whatever she pleases. If she wants to go out, she can go out by herself. She doesn’t have the right to insist anyone else comes with her though. If two out of three people vote not to go out and socialise, why does the third person’s single vote overrule that?

The most unreasonable thing was booking a holiday that she must have known the majority of the family wouldn’t enjoy or want to participate in. That would be unreasonable even without the marriage issues, but the marriage issues make it even more unreasonable/stupid. Why would you assume your husband who isn’t into socialising will change on holiday in any circumstance, but especially when you aren’t even getting along at the moment? She can’t take that back now obviously, but it’s also unreasonable for her to be mad at them for not enjoying something she knew they wouldn’t enjoy.

Edited

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@LoquaciousPineapple

she is not being unreasonable though. Going out on the evenings when on holiday is the norm. Who pays money just to sit in a hotel room when you could be enjoying going to lovely little bars on sea fronts etc. Her husband and son are the ones being unreasonable. Should she have booked a holiday where they can just sit in a hotel room
all day and night cos that’s what 2 of 3 want to do?! Might as well not bother away.

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 10:03

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2024 09:32

@LoquaciousPineapple

so….what’s your point
should op just sit in the room with them all night being bored as shit do you think?

Show quote history

My point is that OP is being unreasonable, since that’s what she asked. It’s called “Am I being unreasonable?” not “Come up with solutions for a situation I’ve caused by being unreasonable”.

She can do whatever she pleases. If she wants to go out, she can go out by herself. She doesn’t have the right to insist anyone else comes with her though. If two out of three people vote not to go out and socialise, why does the third person’s single vote overrule that?

The most unreasonable thing was booking a holiday that she must have known the majority of the family wouldn’t enjoy or want to participate in. That would be unreasonable even without the marriage issues, but the marriage issues make it even more unreasonable/stupid. Why would you assume your husband who isn’t into socialising will change on holiday in any circumstance, but especially when you aren’t even getting along at the moment? She can’t take that back now obviously, but it’s also unreasonable for her to be mad at them for not enjoying something she knew they wouldn’t enjoy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2024 09:32

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 09:05

YABU to know your marriage is struggling and act surprised that your husband doesn't want to go out of his way to do things he doesn’t want to in order to make you happy.

YABU to expect your son to be cheerful and not complain, when he's stuck in a foreign place without his friends and having to spend all his time with his parents who have a shitty vibe between them.

Edited

@LoquaciousPineapple

so….what’s your point
should op just sit in the room with them all night being bored as shit do you think?

Firstshoes · 11/08/2024 09:19

Are you in Mogan? We just got back from there a couple of weeks ago. The bars were near enough empty after 9pm so a lot of people must be like your husband. Lovely place but we'd never go back as the night times were so boring!

LoquaciousPineapple · 11/08/2024 09:05

YABU to know your marriage is struggling and act surprised that your husband doesn't want to go out of his way to do things he doesn’t want to in order to make you happy.

YABU to expect your son to be cheerful and not complain, when he's stuck in a foreign place without his friends and having to spend all his time with his parents who have a shitty vibe between them.

PUGMEISTER21 · 11/08/2024 08:56

Waterdrophead · 09/08/2024 19:46

@DecafDodger yes. Not quite sure I like going out on my own where everyone is out with their spouse or family. May try it tomorrow.
@Gymmum82 probably a good idea in the future!

Go down to the bar and find a decent man to flirt with.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 11/08/2024 07:17

Floralnomad · 09/08/2024 19:52

Just tell your husband that you want to go out and to get himself ready , why have you already finished dinner at this time of the evening

We'd probably have finished eating by 8 because we usually start our day quite early so we're hungry for dinner by 6 at the latest. 8 is late for us to eat and we'd either be hangry, or end up with indigestion later on.

But we'd do something else. Have drinks, go for a walk along the front and watch the sunset, get ice cream, explore what was on offer etc.

Original poster

Waterdrophead · 11/08/2024 06:54

Morning,
Thank you all for your lovely replies and insights here. Just wanted to update, last night was better. I think my words about me either going out out on my own or having a separate holiday from DH sprung him into action marginally. Met another family yesterday so had an evening with them. Couple of trips booked over the next few days so the remaining holiday should be fine. We've agreed to have dinner later and to enjoy the entertainment in the hotel after a walk. it has however shone a brighter light on our incompatibility and still have lots of thinking to do. That's for another thread. Thanks again all for being there.

OP posts:

Lindylou22 · 11/08/2024 06:25

Hi new this forum…but I’m getting so confused with the OP and other terms used ? Please can you tell me what they all mean :-) thanks

AnnieSnap · 10/08/2024 23:09

I sympathise. I looked over at my husband of nearly 30-years as he lay sunbathing. We were in a beautiful place, in a perfect villa, with a gorgeous pool. Anyway, I looked at him and thought “I’m done” and that was it. The marriage was over in that moment.

Dibbydoos · 10/08/2024 22:57

If there's entertainment on at your hotel you can def go to that on your own. Share a table with others if you can.

I tend to get to know people by the pool so I can initially say hello, then eventually chat with them. It means I may be able to escape if I need to, lol!

I honestly don't get staying in the room unless they're both exhausted...

Toptops · 10/08/2024 22:25

FloatyBoaty · 09/08/2024 19:50

Tell your husband and your son that you are getting ready to go out for dinner and will be leaving at 8pm (or whatever). Tell them you will be going with or without them, and if they wish to come that’s great. If not- so be it. Get ready. Pack a book or magazine for yourself into your bag. Go out. Have dinner. Read your book or whatever. Maybe go for a drink at a nice bar or in the hotel bar after. Sit at the bar, and chat with the bar staff, if you don’t meet anyone else you’d like to chat to.

When you get back, you very calmly and without being snide, go to bed. If asked, you say very neutrally that you had a lovely evening thanks. And the next night you do the same.

perhaps book yourself onto an excursion in the day? Look out for other single or small groups of women you might be able to hang out with.

Its not ideal, no. But you’ve got agency here- you can take control of your own happiness. They will either see that you’re unhappy and join you, because they love you and want you to be happy. Or they won’t. With a teen it’s to be expected. They are generally utterly crap on holiday 😂 I know I was. With your husband, if he’s content to leave you alone and won’t compromise - you probably have some thinking to do.

Edited

Great answer!
If they are being arseholes, do what you want anyway.
No confrontation needed, just take and make the holiday YOU want!

SamW98 · 10/08/2024 22:21

I love getting dressed up for the evening on holiday but not OTT. Usually a shower, put on a nice maxi dress or similar, light make up (tinted moisturiser mascara and lip gloss) dry my hair and ready for dinner and cocktails

Maddy70 · 10/08/2024 22:17

Be more assertive. Right giys. Be readyfor 8pm. Wander into town and get some food.

JMSA · 10/08/2024 22:16

Not that your husband is much better though!

JMSA · 10/08/2024 22:15

As soon as I read the title, I knew you'd be on holiday with a teen
Sorry OP, it sucks, I know.

OneCoolPearlOP · 10/08/2024 22:15

letsjustdothis · 10/08/2024 19:53

Because I'd rather spend my time doing something more interesting than hair and makeup? Because I don't want to lug a load of extra clothes and shoes on holiday and have them taking up space in the room and then lug them all back and have more washing? Because it's effort to take it all off at the end of the night?

We went on holiday with a couple and it took her 2 hours to get ready every single night. By that time we'd explored the whole hotel and area around, made some new friends, figured out where the amenities we were interested in were, had 2 cocktails at the bar, taken some lovely photos, planned the next day, and caught up with people from home via phone and message. She didn't look any different other than another dress, and I was bloody starving.

Show quote history

2 hours - a load of extra clothes & shoes - how extreme!
I guess it depends on your definition of dressed up.

I'm normally in a t-shirt + jeans. tinted moisturizer and lip balm, no jewellery (apart from basic earrings and my wedding ring of course).
It takes me 30 extra mins at most to shower, put on foundation and a bit of lippy+eyeshadow.
A couple of nice tops and/or some pretty jewellery, one set of cute shoes. Done.
I don't tend to do it every single day though, usually half.

Xmasxrackers · 10/08/2024 22:12

It’s their holiday too I guess. Maybe try and compromise and do your thing one night and chill the night after?

RetirementIsGreat · 10/08/2024 21:35

twilightermummy · 09/08/2024 19:46

I'd be furious that they were just sitting in the room! You need to speak up and get them out!

Yes, they could just stay at home on their phones. DH and DS didn't even need to spend the money to go there to play with phones. Ridiculous