To think that couples getting married are overly criticised by other people?

I think as most peoples lives have changed the costs and time taken up by weddings has increased so much.
it used to be an afternoon and evening, usually going from home. Possibly an evening out for a hen locally.

now it can be multiple days away, hours of waiting…

mostly I’m pissed if I end up hungry which has happened multiple times. Americans deal with the wait by doing drinks and snacks.

I did enjoy them when I was young and it was a good meet up. The older you get it changes and you know few people and honestly the idea of a disco now is hell.

we do have a wedding to go with and we have been sent a link to upload photos and a bio of ourselves, we’ve ignored it.

It's a bit different though, because the royals have many people they must invite for political reasons.

In our extended family we don't split guests into A and B levels; everyone is invited to everything. No matter how people justify it, telling people they are only worth the evening do definitely sends a message.

The way to plan a wedding is to first decide who to invite, and then decide where you can accommoate them and what you can afford to serve them. Better to invite everyone to the ceremony and afternoon tea with a glass of champagne, done and dusted by 5pm, than to put on a big "dream wedding at dream venue" meal for the select few and let the dregs come hours later in the evening for a slice of pizza. At least, that is how we see it. We don't let guests pay for their drinks or wait around for photography, either.

My Auntie who lives further away moaned to my dad on the day about having to pay for parking at the hotel she was staying in!!! I mean honestly did she expect that whole wedding to travel to her?!

Of course she didn’t! She just wanted a whinge about the unexpected extra bill for parking. I’ve never come across a hotel that has a separate parking charge, and would also have been a bit taken aback, and don’t see anything wrong with having a quick petty gripe to my sibling about it (I’m assuming this aunt is your dads sister)

For their wedding id like the evening only invite. The actual fun stuff away from
the cameras 😅

I think at this point it’s worth pointing out even the royals don’t bother entertaining people all day. They have a wedding usually late morning - one set of guests. Some of those will be invited back for a meal (not all). Then that ends, guests leave, then come back (in new outfit) for evening party with some additional evening guests.

I reckon most on MN would explode with rage at Kate and Wills’ rudeness of wanting their guests to just be props and not looking after them properly all day….

You don't have to invite people to be with you when you get married, but if you do, then you should treat them as guests, not an audience.

This,

This charade just resulted in complete and utter confusion on the day. And the couple didn’t actually ever acknowledge that they were already married. Was so odd. But they got the big presents and the insta worthy photos 😆

like someone else said often there is an obligation to attend. So yes when things are less than the moans will flow more.

We have even been demanded to be off holiday early before to attend a wedding because family now even if was strong enough to say no, it was dh’s family and we where “only camping” so what was more important (person) or a silly camping holiday 🙄 personally I’d of told them to fuck off. Lucky for all of us I guess lockdown happened 🤣

I totally agree with OP - especially on here where it’s seen as a huge imposition to attend one.

Thing is if you’re hosting a wedding for 100 people, you will never be able to please everyone. We had our wedding local to where we live so most of our family & friends didn’t need hotels or to travel far. My Auntie who lives further away moaned to my dad on the day about having to pay for parking at the hotel she was staying in!!! I mean honestly did she expect that whole wedding to travel to her?!

best piece of advice I heard was ‘the people who matter won’t care, and the people who care don’t matter’. Brides and grooms just need to do what they want to do and not worry about people moaning because it’s not exactly the way they would have done it.

People feel entitled to slag off something really expensive and difficult to plan ( even though some people insist that if the wedding was just tailored to suit them as a guest all would be will and forget the other 100 odd guests and their circumstances ) for the plethora of reasons given above.

A wedding does not need to be really expensive or difficult to plan. Guests don't want it to be individually tailored to them they just want to be considered, standing around for hours and hours with nothing to eat or drink whilst endless photos are taken of the Bride and Groom and members of the wedding party is having zero consideration for your guests and is totally unnecessary. Why does it take so long to take photos? The Bride and Groom seem to be treating it as a photo spread for a fashion magazine rather than as a photographic reminder of the day.

I'm not saying people have to love weddings, just be respectful enough to try to make the most of it given the 20k debt most will be in trying to deliver a big day, often one where for once everyone is in the same place too.

Respect goes both ways, respect your guests enough to consider their comfort.

It's nice to be dressed up and in the same room as your nan, your aunt, your cousin you haven't seen in 10 years and their kids etc - it's not nice to call weddings boring or say the food is crap.

If the wedding is boring and the food crap then it is a factual description.

Perhaps instead of spending money on all manner of fripperies, hours and hours of photos and instead focused on providing a comfortable and enjoyable experience for the guests with enough food and drink and no endless waiting around people would be more inclined to look forward to and enjoy weddings.

We had one of those scams in my family. Giant wedding at expensive inn that most had to travel cross country for, my BIL spent 4k on the night-before dinner (against his will; the proprietor handed him the bill at the behest of the groom, BIL's son) and people had to pay for a minimum four-night stay.

Turned out the couple had secretly married eight months before. Caused endless hard feelings. Most people went no or low contact with them, including their parents. Nothing but attention seeking grifters is the general consensus.

I think one part of this is the idea that if you've spent a lot you are somehow beyond criticism.

That's not how it works. Not for this, not for anything.

Modern weddings are generally crap with the couple more focused on a big show and the social media pictures. We’ve had a number of younger family members get married over the last year or so and without exception, it’s clear the weddings ( and pre/post wedding ‘celebrations’ ) have been planned with little or no thought about the guests that are expected to attend. One of them turned out to be a total charade with the most bizarre ‘ceremony’ as the couple had secretly got legally married the day before.

I think a lot of people feel pressured into attending a wedding.
I have been to many weddings of family members as I couldn't really say 'no'.
This year, I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding which I wasn't really 'allowed' to turn down. It was so stressful from start to finish; the lead up, the 'faff', the expense, the time taken in the lead up to attend hen-dos (kill me now) and dress fittings and hair trials.

Now, if you don't really want to go somewhere in the first place, you do tend to complain about things such as cost, amount of travel, time taken up.

Wedding services are lovely; watching someone say their vows in front of their loved ones is a beautiful thing and something I would never grow tired of seeing. The rest of the nonsense that comes with weddings is tiresome.

I'd agree with this.

I see posts in a wedding facebook group asking 'how to entertain people between the ceremony and the meal?' and I'm thinking - well, why have 3,4, or even more hours between the ceremony and the meal ? You are creating your own problems here. Have the ceremony later and you've a) saved yourself the problem of finding 'entertainment' b) saved family and friends being bored and hungry c) quite possibly saved some guests having to book accommodation the day before as they can travel up in the morning.

I do like this thought:
You don't have to invite people to be with you when you get married, but if you do, then you should treat them as guests, not an audience.

No because all of my family and friends weddings were lovely welcoming events where relatives weren't excluded, brides didn't dictate a million things and everyone was happy to celebrate. However, some of the things I read on here really surprise me like chief bridesmaids with newborns not allowed to bring their baby or people being invited but their partners or step kids excluded. I think I would have a good moan if I knew people like that!

Weddings these days suck because people have lost all sense of throwing a celebration for friends and family that takes care of your guests. Everything is about me me me me, and what I want on my special day, be damned who is inconvenienced/ hurt in the process. Who wants to spend loads of money and often put themselves to great inconvenience simply to feed someone else’s narcissism?

Just did a quick calculation and our wedding came in at around £4k and we had the absolute best day every, as did our guests (who also didn't have to spend any money at all).

Spending £20k on a wedding doesn't necessarily buy a good day for anyone but the bride and possibly the groom. Yes, the venue might be decorated lovely, the bridal party have beautiful outfits but for guests IME it's a long, boring day where you spend most of it sitting around waiting for a free meal and overpriced alcohol.

Best wedding I've been to recently was held in a NT property with 22 for the ceremony with wedding cake, wine/prosecco/tea after it. There were 3 or 4 staged photos then the photographer simply took casual, unobtrusive pics of everyone chatting, laughing and enjoying the relaxed atmosphere. Guests could have their photos taken with their SO/Kids if they wanted to also. Next stop was a beautiful local Italian restaurant with another 12 people. Everyone chose whatever they wanted from the menu, not limited to the usual pre-order chicken/beef/veg option. Drinks were also provided - whatever anyone wanted, no limits at all.

The two families that had to travel stayed in a gorgeous airbnb, again, paid for by the bride and groom.

The aim of the day was for the bride and groom to marry in front of their nearest and dearest and to be able to spend some quality time with them, not disappearing for off for photos and have people hanging about bored, perhaps not knowing many people or worrying about their kids etc.

Ultimately everyone likes what they like and it doesn't matter how much money you throw at it, that isn't what a wedding is about IMO. Also, anyone getting into £20k debit is a fool.

People who aren’t used to entertaining on a big scale suddenly decide to invite a huge amount of people to an event and assume they will enjoy it regardless of things like distant location, difficult dress codes, poor speeches and hours of hanging around while photos are taken.The end result can be very expensive for everyone and doesn’t always work very well. The other issue is that people tend to get married at a similar age so some summers are very wedding dominated. It is impossible not to get a bit fed up with the formula and it is also impossible not to make comparisons.

actually thinking about it, a lot of the complaints really come down to people not getting how much things cost, how much time putting on a whole day event takes, that their idea of what would make a good wedding as a guest varies greatly around the country and cultures.

(The poster upthread who mentioned the church service, then only a small group went for a meal then a big evening party is possibly missing that when I talk to older family, in the 60s and 70s in the North West, that’s how everyone’s wedding happened. Church service was open to everyone, the wedding reception was in the evening, the wedding party went for a meal in the afternoon then went to their evening party. The whole day affair with everyone being fed a sit down meal only really started as a tradition in our family from 80s onwards. If you’ve gone to a wedding of a family who have kept that tradition then they aren’t just being cheap not taking everyone for lunch, that’s just how weddings happen for their family.)

photo booths keep getting mentioned - as if they are equivalent in cost to some of the grumbles around not enough food/drink etc - eg paying for canapés is usually £10-15 per head, so 100 guests, that’s an extra £1k to find for the wedding costs. A Photo Booth is around £150.

we had an open bar in the evening and it cost £4.5k for 70 people.

the £20k weddings reach £20k usually due to cost of hiring the space (the “not enough chairs, places to sit” grumble is “you didn’t hire enough space/pay for a bigger venue” grumble) and the cost of food (not enough food = you spent £2k on food not £6k) and having to buy your own drinks (as I said, our small wedding hit thousands on just the evening drinks, the wine on table was another couple of grand).

There’s this odd view that you are both stupid for spending thousands, but at the same time expect to attend a wedding where at least £15k has been spent.

I’ve only heard complaints about hen/batchlor weekends (yes plural) and food. I think it’s hard to argue with the latter. Attending as a guest involves a lot of waiting around and hungry guests (especially on a hot day) is bad hospitality.

I’ve read many posts about wedding on here over the years and I think that crappy guests and crappy bride/groom stories seem to be 50/50. For every controlling guest, there seems to be a bridezilla/groomzilla. I understand that they are often spending tens of thousands so the pressure for this once in a lifetime event is high but that is their choice and guests should be treated like they usually are by the couple and not some pawn to create a insta worthy day. I am surprised that there aren’t more elopements so that the bride and groom can have their day exactly as they want without them having to juggle other people’s feelings.

But decent people don't create a situation in the first place that guests have to "put up with."

There is no excuse for making guests endure long waits, lack of seating, lack of generous food and drink.

Couples who give guests the short end of the stick because they'd rather spend time and money on photography, dress, decor, crap like photo booths, should just elope. Not treat their supposed loved ones like spectators or background actors.

I think of you go with a mindset that yes, there will be waiting around, the food might be crap (but it might be amazing) etc then you aren't going to be too disappointed.

I'm a bit ambivalent about weddings. I've not been to one that I have hated but there has been a lot of waiting however I expected it. And I have been some that I've loved. At the end of the day it's about how much the couple means to you and what you're prepared to put up with.