AIBU to think my best friend has turned into someone I don't like

TBH your friendship with her sounds doomed!

I had this with a friend of mine.... I asked her and another friend for a cuppa and cake. She says ... you obviously didn't make the cake did you? I say in a pleasant voice... well, yes I did actually, here's the cake tin drying by the sink! She says 'I don't need to see that thank you. You probably just put it there'
Stony silence.
FFS!!! If she was having a laugh, I wouldn't mind, but she was serious.
It was like this all the time. It was relentless. Snappy with me. Irritated with me. Sharp with me.

We'd been friends literally decades. We aren't now, we see each other occasionally through mutual friends, but our friendship is shot to pieces after it got worse and worse.

I think that might happen to you and your friend OP....
Ask her by all means. I did. Wish I hadn't

Is she in a happy relationship - or could it be abusive?

I wondered if she’s repeating how she’s being treated at home?

Yes I have to say I agree with this

I'd be inclined to give her a wide berth until she cops on to herself. I think I'd also want to say something to her though, particularly if you have been such good friends.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her. If your families are so entwined could you ask her husband if everything is ok? It seems odd that so many people have noticed including friends and your husband.

Early onset dementia or a brain tumour could cause sudden changes in behaviour/personality also. How long has this been going on? Has she always been a bit of a grumpy cow or is this a total shift?

Look if things keep going this way the friendship is going to be over anyway, so it sounds worth just trying to talk to her about it first.

A simple "you keep snapping at me and I don't like how things are, it's really been bothering me. Have I done something or is there something else going on with you?" should do the trick.

I'd do "are you ok, Hun?" And I'd she's snarky, reply, I'm sorry you don't seem yourself at the moment have a lovely evening.

Be super sweet and super passive aggressive. Her head will explode.

I have done this with a family member who broke down and apologised and said they were finding it very hard in our WhatsApp group because she was TTC with their 2nd and everyone else was getting pregnant very easily from her perspective. This wasn't actually true as I knew one or two had had fertility issues but I sympathised with her and it was ok going forward. A bit "careful" at first but back to normal now.

I’d say something. You can either go gently, the ‘are you ok?’ route or you can go the ‘snap out of your grumpy moods or I’ll not bother with you anymore’ route. I’d be at the stage now where I’d want to tell her.

Unless you've actually done this yourself and it worked for you, I would say this is poor advice.

I did this once and it became very unpleasant. She absolutely doubled down and I was excommunicated by an entire friendship group.

For a friend of 20+ years who is suddenly acting out of character like that, I’d be asking them if something is wrong.

I just wouldn’t accept her speaking to me like that, especially in a group setting where I assume the aim is to embarrass/ belittle you in front of the others?

I’d just distance myself but if I was in a group setting and forced to mix and she did it again I’d have to say “I’m sorry do you have a problem?” It sounds really blunt and jarring for her to be snapping at everyone all the time.

Before walking away I'd challenge her on it in the moment. No way would I allow someone to speak to me like that

The only way to deal with this is to have a calm but direct word with her op somewhere neutral along the lines that you felt embarrassed by her unpleasant comment yesterday and on several previous occasions. As this is a recent occurrence is there something going on with her etc?

If she doubles down then you have every right to distance yourself and tell her why. But if she is a real friend she will apologise and either try and put it right or explain that she is going through something stressful like MH issues, money or relationship problems or menopause that make it difficult for her to be aware of how she is behaving.

Edited to say: sorry just read it's not peri or meno

In that case, if just give her a wide berth within the group. Do what the others do.

If you challenge it, you run the risk of putting the others in a position where they have to take sides and most people don't like that so will side with the troublemaker for an easier life (been there, done that and got the t shirt more than once...)

Put some distance between the two of you within the group. Don't arrange things with her 121, don't get involved with sharing lifts with her etc. Just step away.

If left to run it's own course, she will be phased out or phase herself out anyway. Just ignore unpleasant comments she makes to the group chat etc. She's revealing herself more everytime.

She was isn’t a good friend. Friends do not treat friends like this.

There are friend ‘givers’ who enhance your life and friend ‘takers’ who use you.

She sounds the latter - it’s not nice that she’s treating you like this. She’s sounds like a bully & bullies usually have low self esteem and treat people like they do to bolster it.

Personally I would tell her how her behaviour is making you feel (one to one & face to face). If she doesn’t change her mean behaviour then I would step away from her.

You have been friends for a long time & friendships do change & end.

You could go along the lines of 'Have I done something to upset you because it feels like you're being a bit snappy with me?' Or you could just slowly back away. Depends how important the friendship is to you and how difficult it would be to disentangle yourself.

Going forward, I’d only see or contact her as part of the group.

I see it quite often on here where people tolerate shitty behaviour from friends because “we’ve been friends for 20+ years/since primary school” - like there’s some kind of criteria of friends you must have and they tick that box.

People change a lot in 20 years. It sounds like the group as a whole is becoming tired of her snappy attitude.

I'd agree with this.

When you say others have noticed, is that becaise she's being snappier with them too or they've noticed her being snappy with you?

It sounds as if she’s become very irritated by you. Is she important enough to you to ask her about this directly?

Is she peri? I only say that as I got quite grumpy at the start.