AIBU to think my best friend has turned into someone I don't like

Just ask “Why the snark?” Every single time. She will either tell you what her underlying issue is or stop doing it?

You don’t have to ask aggressively but if you don’t address it you’ll continue to be unhappy about it and that’s not how friendships should be.

This calls for a passive aggressive “you ok hun?" and a raised eyebrow every time. Repeat and repeat if she doesn't get the hint.

Surely you've been friends long enough to have a conversation with her about this? Why not say 'You've been really snappy and irritable lately, is everything ok?' and see what she says. It's better to bring it out in the open than to feel like you're walking on eggshells around her and watching what you say. If she gets angry and has a go at you, you can distance yourself from her but at least you'll have confronted it head on.

Has she always been at least a little like this or is this a complete turn around?
It does sound to me like bullying. I would step away from her.

I had this 25 years ago with an old but not super close friend.
She married a sarcastic prick and took his habit of being very sharp after a couple of years.
It went on a while until she said something very sarcastic about my mothering.
I told her don't you dare be so fxxking rude to me and hung up.
I had zero interest in being around her again and when she asked to meet up for lunch I told her I really had no interest.
Life is too short.
She is still married but doesn't take an ounce of guff from him.
We run into each other every few years and it is nice and very friendly but I have zero time nor space for sarcastic people in my life.

OP, step away. She is behaving like a nasty bitch to you.
Give her lots of space and if she asks why, tell her it is because she is sharp and rude.
Depending on her answer decide how you want to move forward.

I have great very old friendships, but it takes more than history to keep old relationships going.
Lots of people have hard difficult lives without taking it out on those around us.
I would do anything for my friends but I am no ones emotional punching bag.
Sometimes people change and not for the better.

When there is only history left, it can feel right to move on, without drama.

A friendship of over 20 years I'd want to give the person a chance instead of dumping them. I would take them out 1-1, explain that the attitude, the comments etc are hurtful, and you wanted to ask if anything is up, do they need some support, because you've noticed a massive change and they don't seem happy. This doesn't seem to be something, from your posts, you've even considered doing, which is a bit sad.

Since she is a good friend I would ask her how she is doing. That you have noticed how she's become snappy/aggressive and that you're worried about her. Either she will break down and tell you what's going on or she will snap at you again. If she does snap at you you can back away from the relationship with a clear conscience; you have tried but it didn't work.

I'd have to challenge her too and tell her in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't put up with that behaviour so she could either sort it out or you are done with the friendship.

I had a long time close friend of 23 years, the last few year's of our friendship her whole personality took a change for the worst.
We where both in our late 30's and everytime I seen her she was rude! I ended the friendship as I couldn't take it anymore. I found out after we fell out that she was drinking two bottles of wine most nights and doing alot of cocaine at the weekends it totally changed her personality.
I wish I had of asked at the time what was going on with her, she needed help I still miss my old friend but not the rude one it's been 10years since and alot has happened that we could of been there for each other.

My thought was peri too which can happen surprisingly early. If not it sounds like she's had a massive change of behaviour/ character. I couldn't give up on such a long friendship without having a discussion. Times I turned into a total idiot like that was complex bereavement and during fertility treatment I avoided telling everyone about which left me super stressed. Just examples that I imagine probably don't apply to your friend but big life stressors can really affect your mood and behaviour

My point is life is already too hard and too short for this shit!

if i knew she had been someone I’d been able to talk to and salvage something I would have but I knew she would never take any responsibility for her part in things so I had to not have her in my life. Even if that meant losing others.

you need to decide what you are willing to put up with because like I said life is too bloody short!

You are describing one of my old friendships which the end result was an after a particular incident that I couldn’t ignore I ended the friendship because I realised (after discussion with a mutual friend who I trusted told me the behaviour was out of order) that I was allowing myself to be treated terribly.

honestly looking back it was actually low level bullying but because I loved and cared for her I made excuses and allowances and let it go on far too long.

i lost another friend who dropped me for her but actually looking back now I don’t miss either of them. My life is so much easier and and I feel lighter and free without all the nerves and anxiety she was creating in me!

i miss her but actually it’s more the the idea of her because our friendship wasn’t what I thought it was and tried to ignore I think and I genuinely wish her well but I’m so glad I don’t have to delete with it anymore.

over the years I’ve been proven right as a lot of mutual friends have gone low contact or fallen out with her (not the one that dropped me I don’t think) so I don’t actually hear that much about her now!

Perhaps she is unconsciously prodding you to ask how she is? Do you have 1-2-1 chats or is it always with friends and partners? Might be worth asking her how she is and then saying ‘ah that makes sense I thought you were cross with me…’

or you might have had enough of each other.

It sounds like you’re really struggling with this situation, and I completely understand why. Your friend’s behaviour seems to have changed significantly, and that can be really tough, especially after being close for so long.

I think it might help to ask yourself a few key questions:

1. Do you still enjoy spending time with her when she’s not being snappy? If she weren’t acting this way, would you still consider her a good friend, or have other aspects of the friendship become challenging as well?

2. Is this behaviour a recent development, or have there been other times in the past when she’s acted similarly? If it’s new, there might be something going on in her life that’s causing this change. If it’s not, perhaps it’s part of a longer pattern that’s just now becoming too much to handle.

3. How important is this friendship to you? If you value it deeply, it might be worth having a gentle conversation with her. You could ask if everything is okay because you’ve noticed she seems a bit more on edge lately. Sometimes just opening up that dialogue can make a big difference.

4.Are you willing to set boundaries or take a step back if things don’t improve? It’s perfectly okay to protect your own well-being, even if that means seeing less of her or focusing on other friendships that bring you more joy.

Remember, it’s okay to ask yourself these questions and take some time to reflect on what’s best for you. Friendships evolve, and it’s important to consider whether this one is still adding positively to your life.

I feel for you. A close friend became super critical about me 2 years ago and I’ve had to step back but I really miss the close friendship we had. I don’t like the person she has become but have many happy memories

This.

Possible causes include an early peri, serious illness like cancer that has yet to show symptoms so the person just feels "off" without knowing why, or she is learning this style of talking from her DP.

If you think the relationship is doomed anyway, you could sit her down and ask her if she's ok and explain that you are concerned she may be unwell as her behaviour has been so out of character and then give her a list of examples of her behaviour such as the ones you have given here. Tell her that it makes her difficult to be around as you are constantly having to mind what you say and yet are still getting snapped at. Tell her you are no longer enjoying her company as the relationship has become hard work. She'll probably storm out as no-one wants to hear a truth like that but over time she may reflect and go to the doctor or examine her relationship with her DP.

Another good suggestion was the one from GreyCarpet · Today 15:53, to step back and not engage so much.

I agree that a snap-back would help.

She needs to know you're not going to put up with it.

Maybe the Mumsnet classic of 'Did you mean to be so rude?' might help.

A while back my sister became a grumpy bitch for over a year due to menopause, I thought she hated me! The gels/patches have changed her back to the lovely person she always was!

One of my friends went through a phase where she was a real pain to be around. She started HRT and was much better. Another co worker whose father was murdered. She was almost unbearable after for about 6 months (no judgement, just a fact) . Years later she told me how well she thought she handled it. I validated her but also told her that she had been really hard to be around but we all understood what a horrible time she was having. She was amazed - she had no insight into the fact she had been snappy and argumentative.

I agree could turn nasty and others won’t want to get involved and will find it awkward
maybe say that’s a bit rude, are you ok?
and if if there is anything bothering her ?
if she gets defensive just say that you feel like your annoying her and just wanted to check everything is ok and hopefully she might think about it …
also distance for now and see how it pans out

if it’s a recent thing and towards everyone either others will tire of her too, or she’ll get over whatever her problem is /or maybe it’ll all come clear

Sounds like you need to weigh up whether it’s worth having a heart to heart with her or just try to quietly distance yourself. It does sound to me like her relationship might be bad and it’s impacting how she deals with things.

I had a friend who changed a lot after getting into a bad relationship, personality change, left her job/stability, illegal stuff.. I tried the heart to heart option and she ghosted so hard she left the country with him! I wouldn’t change my decision but also wouldn’t judge you for choosing to just distance yourself. It’s her bed, let her lie in it. Friendships should add to your life and sounds like she’s dragging the whole group down.

I wonder if something very stressful is going on in her life? I’m not a snappy person generally but I can be snappy if I’m under a lot of stress. I think you should ask if she’s ok and then take it from there.