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FluentRubyDog · 2024-08-09T13:17:43+00:00

Allow me to preface this with the statement that I am fully aware of the debates surrounding private schools on here and in general. Please do not turn this into yet another debate about it. It is not what I'm asking here. DD was born at 24 weeks gestation. She's reaching her developmental milestones well, but there are several physical issues plaguing her, and a possible genetic one that is being investigated. There will be LOTS of medical appointments in the future. I know I'm being PFB about her. She's my miracle IVF baby after numerous losses even before NICU. I'm a self-confessed and unapologetic helicopter parent. There is a question of her education. The schools around us aren't great, low attainment, behaviour issues and they are notorious for attendance despotism. Nearby there is one of the best, single sex, private schools in the region. Our finances were good in terms of private school before the VAT. We will still be able to cover it now, although it will be a bit tighter. This includes taking annual increase in fees, uniform, extras and trips into account. She will remain an only child, another one isn't an option for us without risking my life. My gut feeling is this environment would be better for her, more supportive and tolerant of her physical needs. DH thinks this would take her out of her local friendship groups, and is generally much more opposed to private schools than me, but significantly coming around to the idea after all the medical issues. For full disclosure, I went to a private sixth form on full scholarship after grammar school, so my experience of comprehensives is second hand at best. We will have to make our minds up fairly soon, as to get in even at nursery stage, we will have to register our interest within the next term (2027 intake). So what would you do? Is there anything I failed to consider here?

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/08/2024 14:57

Are you going to request an EHCNA before nursery/ pre prep age?

I think it’s worth considering whether you’re able to move area to somewhere that caters well at primary level for children with additional needs. When you see how she copes, you can think about secondary options, particularly if there is an EHCP by then.

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:56

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/08/2024 14:52

I think my concerns would be;

How much will you be able to monitor what goes on in a private school? It strikes me that they don’t particularly welcome the input of parents?
if she needs extra support, will you be able to afford it on top of the fees?
If she starts at a private school, she’s not going to make any friends locally and as she gets older, she might have a novelty factor, but she might also get written off as a snob because of her school. Are you prepared for one very lonely and bored child during the school holidays?

In your position, I’d look at moving to the catchment area of a better state school and using any extra money on tutoring and additional support if she needs it.

No idea why I’ve quoted you, sorry!

Edited

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I take your points on board, however, moving would be near impossible. She has a vast MDT involved and I'd have to move mountains to get it reestablished in a different trust, not to mention the dangerous vital parts of information being lost in transfer.

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OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/08/2024 14:55

you mention a EHCP - does she have one / will she have one
who will be paying for any extras on that EHCP ?

are you thinking she will have a 1;1 ?
who would be paying for that - does the local authority give money to a private school to pay for any extra/additional needs.

There were no TA's in my daughter's Primary School, nor in her Secondary School and she went private all her life, starting in the nursery at the age of 2.

WestminsterWanderer · 09/08/2024 14:54

Spinet · 09/08/2024 14:41

I absolutely don't think safeguarding is going to be better at private schools.

It is usually much, much worse (I could write a very interesting book about some of the safeguarding I have investigated in independent schools)

VitaminSeaside · 09/08/2024 14:52

I don't think sen provision is all about the money. It also comes down to individual teachers/TA's and how understanding they are of your child's needs. I'd opt for a caring state school and spend the money on something like private physiotherapy or speech therapy if your child needs those services.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/08/2024 14:52

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:40

I won't be interfering with friendship groups, you have my word on it. I will, however, probably be a nightmare if I spot any safeguarding issues with the school itself. I do recognise that.

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I think my concerns would be;

How much will you be able to monitor what goes on in a private school? It strikes me that they don’t particularly welcome the input of parents?
if she needs extra support, will you be able to afford it on top of the fees?
If she starts at a private school, she’s not going to make any friends locally and as she gets older, she might have a novelty factor, but she might also get written off as a snob because of her school. Are you prepared for one very lonely and bored child during the school holidays?

In your position, I’d look at moving to the catchment area of a better state school and using any extra money on tutoring and additional support if she needs it.

No idea why I’ve quoted you, sorry!

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:48

FacingTheWall · 09/08/2024 14:47

People tend to praise things that they’re paying a lot of money for. My kids went to private secondary schools, I’m not against them, but I am realistic about their weaknesses.

In my experience of visiting and supporting children with additional needs in all sorts of schools, including some with the best academic results in the country, good state schools are head and shoulders above good private schools when it comes to meeting need, even without EHCPs. You won’t be meeting the parents of those children who were failed by the private school.

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OK, that's a serious point taken. Thank you.

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FacingTheWall · 09/08/2024 14:47

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:43

Their results are fantastic and everything I heard about them from existing parents praises pastoral care to high heavens. The latter part is what's drawing me to it.

I do see, from other posters, that I will have to ask more questions about sen support. I'm grateful for this tipoff, though.

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People tend to praise things that they’re paying a lot of money for. My kids went to private secondary schools, I’m not against them, but I am realistic about their weaknesses.

In my experience of visiting and supporting children with additional needs in all sorts of schools, including some with the best academic results in the country, good state schools are head and shoulders above good private schools when it comes to meeting need, even without EHCPs. You won’t be meeting the parents of those children who were failed by the private school.

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2024 14:46

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:37

I'm nervous about her being behind at secondary level if she does state primary. I was top of my class at grammar, but had A LOT of catching up to do at my private 6th form in comparison with the "home grown" pupils.

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My 2 were fine at Private Secondary after State Primary. One was very academic anyway but the other one was fine too. Having said that our Private school isn't selective.
They were both much more emotionally mature and street wise than a lot of their peers who had been at the school since age 3 as well

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:45

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/08/2024 14:44

Will the private school be able and willing to accommodate any extra physical needs she has / may have.
My nearest private school wouldn't be able to have a child in a wheelchair etc as it's an old house, prob a listed building and there is a grand staircase and the older children are upstairs in class rooms, there is no lift.

Another question for my list to the school, thank you!

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Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:44

blacksax · 09/08/2024 14:42

Yes, but you have posted it in the AIBU topic.

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Because I wanted a good pool of responses within a reasonable time span.

Now, have you got a contribution to this thread to add or would you like me to send you a nit comb?

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OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/08/2024 14:44

Will the private school be able and willing to accommodate any extra physical needs she has / may have.
My nearest private school wouldn't be able to have a child in a wheelchair etc as it's an old house, prob a listed building and there is a grand staircase and the older children are upstairs in class rooms, there is no lift.

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:43

morebubbles32 · 09/08/2024 14:40

In what way is the private school the 'best in the region'? Results? What is their SEN provision and pastoral care like? How does it compare to local primaries. If your local secondaries are poor and your child isn't even at primary yet you have years to move to a better area.

Their results are fantastic and everything I heard about them from existing parents praises pastoral care to high heavens. The latter part is what's drawing me to it.

I do see, from other posters, that I will have to ask more questions about sen support. I'm grateful for this tipoff, though.

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blacksax · 09/08/2024 14:42

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:23

It's an WWYD, not an AIBU.

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Yes, but you have posted it in the AIBU topic.

Spinet · 09/08/2024 14:41

I absolutely don't think safeguarding is going to be better at private schools.

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:41

BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 14:39

Wouldn't it be cheaper and better in the long run to move to an area with good state schools that have SEN provision?

I'd be a nightmare to get her on all of the waiting lists for her health needs, though.

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Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:40

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/08/2024 14:36

I mean this with far more kindness than it’s going to seem, but if you’re a helicopter parent, and the local schools have some behavioural issues, are you going to be able to stop yourself from interfering in her friendship groups anyway? Will it be different schools that take her out of her local friendship groups? Or you?

I won't be interfering with friendship groups, you have my word on it. I will, however, probably be a nightmare if I spot any safeguarding issues with the school itself. I do recognise that.

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morebubbles32 · 09/08/2024 14:40

In what way is the private school the 'best in the region'? Results? What is their SEN provision and pastoral care like? How does it compare to local primaries. If your local secondaries are poor and your child isn't even at primary yet you have years to move to a better area.

BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 14:39

Wouldn't it be cheaper and better in the long run to move to an area with good state schools that have SEN provision?

Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/08/2024 14:38

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:37

I'm nervous about her being behind at secondary level if she does state primary. I was top of my class at grammar, but had A LOT of catching up to do at my private 6th form in comparison with the "home grown" pupils.

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If you’re saving money on fees, could you put that towards extra tutoring?

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:37

Spinet · 09/08/2024 14:34

I think private school is a waste of money for primary. State primaries are generally very good. Don't they do a secondary intake too? (disclaimer: I'm not a fan of private education. I do get that people do what they feel is best for their kid though).

As for being an unapologetic helicopter parent, don't be. Giving your child no independence or agency is not good parenting. I know she's little though.

I'm nervous about her being behind at secondary level if she does state primary. I was top of my class at grammar, but had A LOT of catching up to do at my private 6th form in comparison with the "home grown" pupils.

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Whothefuckdoesthat · 09/08/2024 14:36

I mean this with far more kindness than it’s going to seem, but if you’re a helicopter parent, and the local schools have some behavioural issues, are you going to be able to stop yourself from interfering in her friendship groups anyway? Will it be different schools that take her out of her local friendship groups? Or you?

Spinet · 09/08/2024 14:34

I think private school is a waste of money for primary. State primaries are generally very good. Don't they do a secondary intake too? (disclaimer: I'm not a fan of private education. I do get that people do what they feel is best for their kid though).

As for being an unapologetic helicopter parent, don't be. Giving your child no independence or agency is not good parenting. I know she's little though.

dammit88 · 09/08/2024 14:34

I would move to an area with better state schools if you are certain the local ones to you are problematic.

However I wouldn't believe everything your hear about local schools. The vast majority are perfectly ok. I bet they are fine!

Original poster

FluentRubyDog · 09/08/2024 14:33

Timeisnevertimeatall · 09/08/2024 14:28

In my experience, they are not likely to be more tolerant. Additionally, if she needs an EP assessment, speech therapy, physio, OT, any specialist equipment you will be charged for it. Ex-prem babies obviously do go on to make good progress in the majority of cases but all those I've worked with over the years typically need at least some level of physical and learning support for varying levels of time. I suggest you also speak to your local primaries - meet with the SENDCo and see what their offer looks like too before committing either way.

Problem is, SEND provision is extremely thin on the ground here. Even with EHCP you cannot be guaranteed that your child's needs will be met.

Could you please share more regarding your experience with prem babies? I'd be extremely grateful if you'd PM me a few tips.

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