WWYD

The OP said it wasn't an AIBU to someone else, and I was wondering why she'd put the post in AIBU. Hardly rocket science.

It is AIBU after all...

Wow, you got out of bed the wrong side today, didn't you?

If you have the finances for public school, would it also be achievable to move to an area with better state provision? At least then you'd have better options so you could make a more balanced decision.

I get the feeling that public schools are going to ratchet up their fees over the next 5 years and attribute it all to the VAT changes, because that's what private businesses do given the opportunity (obviously only the ones like yours that won't struggle with intake drops).

So she's still tiny then? I'd register interest but keep speaking to support surrounding her for their thoughts about education locally. You may need specialist schooling. My DD15 showed no signs of autism until she was 9-10 years old, by 13 she was taught by provisions provided free to us from state school at home as she can't cope with school, not really even in tiny classes without severe overwhelming and spending hours ticking (Tourette's) and having to spend time decompressing. DS 12 has ADHD and copes better but it seems to be developing more he's getting older
Your child will be very different but local support will know of all types of schooling in the area and what would work for her - it is a big topic and quite hard to seek the right help but you'll get there - good luck!

I answered you on the wrong thread somehow...whoops

Sorry but CBA to type it all out again, so here are the screenshot of what I meant to write in this thread.

@FluentRubyDog

id attack it like eating an elephant - one bite at a time!

Pick the nursery that suits you best, if it's the private school feeder & not hideously over priced, then do that. Then wait & see.

I'm glad through all your troubles you got your DD.

But you’ve said they were removed? And that’s an extreme case- I’ve got 2 kids who have had to have significant absence for medical reasons (think 2/3 appointments a month and also 2/3 week absences for surgery), been through 3 state schools so far and they have never batted an eyelid. In fact they couldn’t have been more accommodating- one teacher hand knitted a present for one DC and they regularly provide work at home/ other support. At the very least you should be checking in with the particular state schools you might consider to see what their attitude is before writing off the whole state sector on the basis of a single case.

Private schools have zero obligation to retain children with additional needs, and 9/10 times they absolutely wont and don’t. They generally have much poorer infrastructure (and desire) to build that support for your child and you’ll probably find, especially at a selective, that she’ll be “a better fit” elsewhere… aka anywhere but staying at their school. Kids with additional needs don’t tend to stick it out long in the private system unfortunately. At this point it really matters not about the academic levels of the school and what their results are and simply whether or not they’d be willing and able to properly support your daughter. You’ll probably find quite a vast disparity between the kids that got them those results and the kids they’ve managed out along the way to keep those levels high.

I think you need to talk to the school first to see if what they are prepared to offer meets your expectations. And also talk to some of the local primary school. Is moving house an option for you to move to a better catchment area? Ask the local education authority if there are schools that are better equipped to deal with your DD than the private school. You just need to check out all your options before making a decision

I would stick with state. try to find out which is the most SEN-supportive school in the area and target that.

My kids went to a pretty chilled non-selective private primary but 3 other kids with dyslexia / ADHD / other SEN where gently 'managed out' over the 5 years they were there because the school couldn't provide the extra support that these kids needed. One moved to a specialist dyslexia school, another to forest school and another to state and as far as I know, all thrived with the right support.

My friend moved her DC with SEN to private because she felt he would be better supported. In reality she had to pay extra for all the support he needed and after a while felt trapped because child was enrolled in school cubs pack, etc. so leaving would have forfeit all of his activities and friendships. Just make sure how much support there will be for your DD before you decide.

I would agree with this.

Along with attitudes towards SEN and inclusion.

My gut feeling is this environment would be better for her, more supportive and tolerant of her physical needs.

This will not necessarily be the case.

Don't assume a private school will be able or even willing to meet her additional needs. Their bottom line is running a successful business and they need good grades to achieve this.

There is not the same scrutiny or accountability in private schools.

State schools will try to meet her needs as beat they can because they have to. A private school doesn't. They should but that's no guarantee they will. And there is no one to answer to if they don't.

The best way to find out is to ask them. Ask them what provision is in place to support children with additional needs; ask them how they ensure their needs are appropriately met; who are they ultimately accountable to for this; are there any children with disabilities at the school currently; how is it monitored.

In a nutshell, private schools are as good as they are because they aren't required to provide this extra provision because they can refuse to accept more 'difficult' children. Not because they do it better than state schools.

My third dc was similar aged 4. His big siblings were thriving at state primary but I could see he’d massively struggle.
So we shipped them all to a prep with tiny classes. It was the right thing to do. However I ensured he stayed in the sen system, regular testing until he got the all clear. I didn’t want to be turning up with a child who hadn’t been ‘investigated’ if he’d been ‘asked to leave’ a few years in.

You probably already know that the likelihood of learning difficulties are greatly increased by her prematurity. For example maths learning difficulties are related to prematurity, as are attention difficulties and autism. I would advise considering where would be the best accepting and nurturing environment for your daughter.

I would start in state. They aren't going to 'suggest she would be better elsewhere' if she struggles. Push for EHCNA as soon as you can.

If possible I would defer by a year, though it will depend what month she was born in.

My DD was 6wks prem, she would have been better emotionally and academically and physically in the year below, but was autumn born.

By the endbof infants you will gave a much better idea of how she is getting on.

I would see how she gets on at a state primary and then look to move her into private for secondary. You can then save the money for private secondary education more slowly and ahead of time to stop things feeling tight and to prevent any resentment in your marriage.

Who cares, why are you being awkward?

Not read every response but my concerns would be-

• being less good than peers because of developmental issues;
• private school strongly suggesting that they are not the place for her if she falls behind, or if she needs an EHCP- is agree a good state is usually much better for additional needs;
• if she’s going to be an only child, is a selective girls really going to equip her for “life”? Will she know how to deal with men in the workplace, relationships and even people from other classes if this is the sum total of her education?
• Is there a better private school if you decide to go down that route- like mixed sex and not selective- I’d certainly favour this?
• What if she naturally gets on with boys- more than 50% of my daughter’s friends are boys;
• Will she quickly get an unrealistic expectation of wealth/ privilege and how will this affect her, especially is she’s on the poorer end of the spectrum (which sounds like it might be the case).
• Will you be able to afford all the things you want to do as a family and/ or if fees continue to rise?

By the way if by “attendance despotism” you’re worried about being pulled up for medical appointments in a state school this simply doesn’t happen. 2 week holidays in the Caribbean, yes but if she’s attending medical stuff they won’t bat an eyelid (they can’t- it’s classed as an authorised absence).

Personally I’d move to an area with better state schools and plough some money into extra curricular if necessary- then re-assess when she’s a bit older. Quite a few people I know make the decision when the child is around 7/8 by that point you’ve got a much better idea of the child’s interests and abilities.

I’d find a real (as apposed to just in name) Montessori nursery as the curriculum was designed originally for children with Sen. My experience is that Sen provision is vastly superior in state schools particularly at primary but private is prettier. Only your family can choose what’s important to you. Do not underestimate the harm that can be done to all of you by being made to feel you are lucky to be at such a great school, rather than this school is great because we are so lucky to have great kids like yours here. Teach her to take up space in the world because she has just as much right to be here as anyone.

I’d do your research well before assuming the private school you have in mind will be better able to meet her needs. Not all private schools are good at this in my view, they need the children to achieve high grades for their statistics and marketing and I’ve not always seen a keenness to help those not naturally able.

my friend actually moved her daughter who has dyslexia as she was not getting supported. I put my 2 girls through private education spanning 18 years due to their age gap and honestly do not recall even one child with obvious disabilities. I also don’t think they handled mental health issues particular well in one of the private schools.

you will of course generally have better all round facilities and smaller class sizes.

I have nothing to add to this thread, but this is one of the best responses I've seen on mumsnet.

Best of luck to your DD.