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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He does not want to work

264 replies

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:50

AIBU to think he does not want to work?

Ok he stopped working because of arthritis and he was on sick pay insurance for 3 years (half his monthly salary paid monthly) not enough to look after a family of 4

Yes his leg is not great but I think there are jobs he can still do but refused

His insurance pay is now finished and I said to him to do some sport coaching training so that he can volunteer at our sons running club or football club or just train our son or just to stay active as advised by the doctor but he said he can't do the training because of his leg.

I said take a small customer service remote job he said no

I said do meta blue print training or the Google version online, he said no.

He is home all day everyday watching TV and hasn't missed and football matches in 3 years .

AIBU here? Because, I don't see any reason y he can't find a job to do at all. He is very lazy and would rather wallow in poverty than
get up and work.

Pls can anyone suggest any other job that someone with arthritis (knee) can do?

OP posts:
TallulahBetty · 09/08/2024 15:54

Cross-post sorry, I see you have been advised of this just.

TallulahBetty · 09/08/2024 15:53

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:53

How do I stop funding?

He is a common law partner/husband we have 2 kids both under 13.

Do I cook meals just for me and the kids?🤦🏾‍♀️

Show quote history

No such thing as a common-law spouse. I realise this isn't the point of your thread, but just in case you thought it meant either one of you have any more 'rights' than a normal couple.

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:51

Oh no, I am not worried that he will be entitled to anything. I wrote common law just indicate that we have been together for a very long time etc

He's got no claim to nothing because I bought and own everything in the house
I don't mind buying everything in the house etc because I knew he would definitely not have the gut to lay claim to anything at all and he sits there probably thinking he is living the life

OP posts:
PrettyPickle · 09/08/2024 15:50

He is relatively young to have an arthritic knee that totally debilitates him and surely he could get a knee replacement? Has he goner down this route? Is he perhaps depressed too.

I can understand that when you first get together with someone who is ill, you may have an expectation they will recover but you have gone on to have two children so what has changed to make you feel this way? Surely you assess the situation before you decide to tie yourself to him with kids? So what has changed?

None the less, if he is depressed, tell hm he needs to get help as he can't go on like this and be patient. If in your opinion he is not depressed (and only you really know), then have a heart to heart with him about how you feel, give him a chance to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't, just walk away, you are not married.

This is pretty easy for me to say and very hard for you, but you know how you feel and only you can decided if this is how you want to live.

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:50

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BobbyBiscuits · 09/08/2024 15:50

There's are loads of desk based jobs and arthritis sufferer could do. He just needs a comfortable chair/desk. It seems like he lacks motivation. Would he think certain jobs below him?
You can do market and social research interviewing from home. Just asking questionnaires to businesses and individuals. One I know pays London living wage wherever you are. You can choose your shifts so it's quite flexible. I can pm you the details of one I know if you like?
But it's really about whether he has the motivation to work. Is he claiming UC or PIP if he's not well? Make sure he's on all the benefits he's entitled to as well as getting into work.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:49

BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 14:55

There's no such this as common law marriage, so he wouldn't be entitled to anything from you.

Move out and leave him to it.

Oh no, I am not worried that he will be entitled to anything. I wrote common law just indicate that we have been together for a very long time etc

He's got no claim to nothing because I bought and own everything in the house and own the house so 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:48

BebbanburgIsMine · 09/08/2024 15:12

@catsareraining

That is a very helpful post.

Why does it matter if the OP wrote Sch Run and not School Run?

I will like to know too. Why does it matter?

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:47

DelphiniumBlue · 09/08/2024 15:18

He needs to retrain in something he can do sitting down.
Tell him to start checking out training for September , because you’re not willing to continue to support him.

He wouldn't and he will start to make annoying excuses and I don't wanna go to jail.

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:46

Zzbutton · 09/08/2024 15:13

I’m in my 40s and just had a hip replacement. Arthritis in my hip was really painful the last two years and my mobility severely impaired for the last 6/12 months I’ve used crutches. For comparison to your partner - I’m a single parent of two teenagers and held down a full time job. I cooked and cleaned and held it all together by myself. I managed because I had to. He’s opting out because he can. Not fair on you not fair on your kids.

I take my hat off to you

And yes he being very lazy

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:45

JLou08 · 09/08/2024 15:27

After 3 years out of work it could be anxiety holding him back from returning, he would have become comfortable with not having the interactions/expectations/demands of work. He may also worry about his arthritis deteriorating from the preassures of work. Most people do want to work but have something holding them back. As he worked hard for 10 years and left for genuine reasons I wouldn't be jumping to him just being lazy.

Valid point but I would think not wanting your children to suffer or go without would be enough motivation to get back to work.

He worked 3 years doing 3 hour round journey for a company that had a branch 5 mins drive away from home and could have asked them to transfer him closer to home but refused saying he went to the local branch and only saw older people there. And I said what is your problem with older people? You are there to do you job and get paid 🤷🏽‍♀️ but he refused to ask for transfer

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:41

@PinkPurpleHibiscus8

catsareraining
Is there any reason you write sch run instead of school run?

Why is this relevant?

I would like to know why it is relevant too.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 09/08/2024 15:27

After 3 years out of work it could be anxiety holding him back from returning, he would have become comfortable with not having the interactions/expectations/demands of work. He may also worry about his arthritis deteriorating from the preassures of work. Most people do want to work but have something holding them back. As he worked hard for 10 years and left for genuine reasons I wouldn't be jumping to him just being lazy.

PinkPurpleHibiscus8 · 09/08/2024 15:21

catsareraining · 09/08/2024 14:25

Is there any reason you write sch run instead of school run?

Show quote history

Why is this relevant?

LBFseBrom · 09/08/2024 15:20

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 13:10

Yes I am working from home

He does the sch runs and some errands

My plan is to move out with the kids but I want to know if perhaps IABU expecting him to work with his bad knee or if perhaps offered a work idea suitable for his condition he would actually work.

Because I have seen him put in a 100% in last job before 🤷🏽‍♀️

Tbh I was sceptical about his claims until I read that his swells and has to be drained, then the allergy to medication. That sounds horrendous.

As well as the pain he is probably depressed.

It's a tough situation for you though and nobody here can make your mind up for you.

I hope it has helped to talk about it on here.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/08/2024 15:18

He needs to retrain in something he can do sitting down.
Tell him to start checking out training for September , because you’re not willing to continue to support him.

Zzbutton · 09/08/2024 15:13

I’m in my 40s and just had a hip replacement. Arthritis in my hip was really painful the last two years and my mobility severely impaired for the last 6/12 months I’ve used crutches. For comparison to your partner - I’m a single parent of two teenagers and held down a full time job. I cooked and cleaned and held it all together by myself. I managed because I had to. He’s opting out because he can. Not fair on you not fair on your kids.

BebbanburgIsMine · 09/08/2024 15:12

@catsareraining

That is a very helpful post.

Why does it matter if the OP wrote Sch Run and not School Run?

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:08

EBTR · 09/08/2024 15:03

Insist that he shows you the 'profits' he is making. It sounds like another excuse to shut you up and make you think he is doing something positive. BTW he will carry on doing nothing...

I don't even want to have that conversation at all, I just want to focus and work out how my plan is going to materialise quickly & move

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:07

EBTR · 09/08/2024 15:00

Close girlfriend's partner could not find work, blamed the government, the economy etc. She chucked him out and what a surprise he had a job the next day.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
EBTR · 09/08/2024 15:05

because he is perfectly happy with the situation. He will not change if you continue to enable him. No judgment but there are no consequences for his behaviour.

PerfectTravelTote · 09/08/2024 15:05

"Do I cook meals just for me and the kids?"

Yes.

EBTR · 09/08/2024 15:03

Insist that he shows you the 'profits' he is making. It sounds like another excuse to shut you up and make you think he is doing something positive. BTW he will carry on doing nothing...

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