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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He does not want to work

264 replies

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:50

AIBU to think he does not want to work?

Ok he stopped working because of arthritis and he was on sick pay insurance for 3 years (half his monthly salary paid monthly) not enough to look after a family of 4

Yes his leg is not great but I think there are jobs he can still do but refused

His insurance pay is now finished and I said to him to do some sport coaching training so that he can volunteer at our sons running club or football club or just train our son or just to stay active as advised by the doctor but he said he can't do the training because of his leg.

I said take a small customer service remote job he said no

I said do meta blue print training or the Google version online, he said no.

He is home all day everyday watching TV and hasn't missed and football matches in 3 years .

AIBU here? Because, I don't see any reason y he can't find a job to do at all. He is very lazy and would rather wallow in poverty than
get up and work.

Pls can anyone suggest any other job that someone with arthritis (knee) can do?

OP posts:
bluelavender · 09/08/2024 16:35

He may be experiencing low mood; and be perceiving that he can't do things because of his disability. Accessing some CBT might help him to get some confidence back on what he can do; and help him tackle negative thoughts?

(you can self refer locally https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/)

There are many jobs he can do- but at the moment he may be overly focused on what he can't do

Agapornis · 09/08/2024 16:32

catsareraining · 09/08/2024 14:25

Is there any reason you write sch run instead of school run?

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YANBU, there was another thread the other week that got totally derailed because the (same?) OP wrote sch Grin

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:32

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Normallynumb · 09/08/2024 16:30

Do you have money invested in the current house you live in?
I wondered why you said you and DC will have to leave the house?
Is his name on any deeds?

WitchyBits · 09/08/2024 16:25

Octavia64 · 09/08/2024 12:55

Asking someone with arthritis to volunteer for sports coaching is madness.

That aside there are other jobs that are possible that don't need movement.

What is the situation overall? Is he son/husband/boyfriend?

If he's worked 30 years before getting arthritis and you have never worked then maybe it's your turn,

If you've financially supported the family all your life and he's never earned much then I'd be on at him to get some money coming un,

Not true. I have an autoimmune arthritis and exercise is encouraged.

Op, get rid of him or this will be your entire future.

gloriagloria · 09/08/2024 16:23

Is he on the waiting list for a knee replacement?

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:22

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Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:21

@tooeasy

'what2do2donow
No, I am not his career
I told him to apply for pip and he got the form and he didn't fill it till the last minute and he was rejected and I told him he should appeal but he didn't because he is too lazy to appeal

but you’re in receipt of PiP? LCWRA?'

What is LCWRA? No I do not get PIP

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:21

Tell me why he can't cook? I have free NHS aids all over the house to enable me to cook clean etc. I live alone. I have a high chair to sit on to cook provided by the NHS.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:19

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He'll no too lazy to apply and when he did and was turned down for pip, he could be bothered to appeal even though he genuinely qualifys.

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:16

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BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 16:16

If you're renting can you simply give notice on the lease and move elsewhere without him?

What would his response to this be?

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:15

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No, I am not his career
I told him to apply for pip and he got the form and he didn't fill it till the last minute and he was rejected and I told him he should appeal but he didn't because he is too lazy to appeal

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/08/2024 16:15

Are you renting? Why did you sell your house?

Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:14

SuperBatFace · 09/08/2024 14:38

@Octavia64 that's not quite correct. They will prioritise a hip / knee replacement in someone of working age over someone of retirement age. The reason for this is fairly obvious

Tell my consultant that. I'll have to wait at least a year and I'm working full time.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:14

PrettyPickle · 09/08/2024 15:50

He is relatively young to have an arthritic knee that totally debilitates him and surely he could get a knee replacement? Has he goner down this route? Is he perhaps depressed too.

I can understand that when you first get together with someone who is ill, you may have an expectation they will recover but you have gone on to have two children so what has changed to make you feel this way? Surely you assess the situation before you decide to tie yourself to him with kids? So what has changed?

None the less, if he is depressed, tell hm he needs to get help as he can't go on like this and be patient. If in your opinion he is not depressed (and only you really know), then have a heart to heart with him about how you feel, give him a chance to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't, just walk away, you are not married.

This is pretty easy for me to say and very hard for you, but you know how you feel and only you can decided if this is how you want to live.

I have mentioned knee replacements but he does not want to listen to it is either he feels he is too manly for knee replacement or he like the limitations the knee problems brings for him so that he can use it as an excuse not to work

Funny thing is he is now obsessed with loading the dishwasher which I find annoying because he want to leave all the plates in the sink to pile up and then load before going to bed and I hate having piles of dirty plates in the sink. He is always complaining about me not loading it properly and I said I have been loading dishwasher all my life and no one is said that. But then I off load 1 st thing in the morning when I come down to make breakfast and start work.

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:11

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Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:09

Chuck him out. Don't leave your home. You and the kids need it.

penguinonmybag · 09/08/2024 16:09

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:07

I don't own the current house we are staying in but use to own the house we lived in for a facade

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so who owns your current house? if you're renting, who is on the tenancy?

Gettingbysomehow · 09/08/2024 16:08

He is bloody lazy. My right hip and left knee have disintegrated and I'm on the list for hip and knee replacement. I also have arthritic spinal problems which will need decompression. I'm still working full time as an NHS podiatrist and use a rollator at work.
He is taking the piss big time.
Knees are easy, a good splint allows you to walk.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:07

SauviGone · 09/08/2024 15:55

I bought and own everything in the house and own the house

I plan to move out with the kids

Why would you move out if you own the house?

I don't own the current house we are staying in but use to own the house we lived in for a facade

OP posts:
Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:06

PrettyPickle · 09/08/2024 15:50

He is relatively young to have an arthritic knee that totally debilitates him and surely he could get a knee replacement? Has he goner down this route? Is he perhaps depressed too.

I can understand that when you first get together with someone who is ill, you may have an expectation they will recover but you have gone on to have two children so what has changed to make you feel this way? Surely you assess the situation before you decide to tie yourself to him with kids? So what has changed?

None the less, if he is depressed, tell hm he needs to get help as he can't go on like this and be patient. If in your opinion he is not depressed (and only you really know), then have a heart to heart with him about how you feel, give him a chance to start pulling his weight and if he doesn't, just walk away, you are not married.

This is pretty easy for me to say and very hard for you, but you know how you feel and only you can decided if this is how you want to live.

He is most probably depressed but then I have no sympathy for that at all not because I don't think depression is real (I have been battling depression for the past 20 years & I am currently depressed) but then, he will never ever accept that he is depressed so he will never agree to seek help regarding that so no point even trying because o am st this long tired and fed up

He sees the GP and consultant for his knee issues and he due another appointment in a week to drain his knee again but he is currently taken painkillers for the pain the medication prescribed, he can not take because he almost lost his life to it from the side effects.
He will never listen to advise at all.

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 09/08/2024 15:57

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:53

How do I stop funding?

He is a common law partner/husband we have 2 kids both under 13.

Do I cook meals just for me and the kids?🤦🏾‍♀️

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There is no such thing as a 'common law partner/husband' - has not been since 1757 (Marriage Act). You have a free-loader in your life and I would get rid of him. It doesn't sound as if you love him so why are you there?
And yes, cook just for you and the children. Quit whatever TV package you have because you 'cannot afford it' - on one income (yours) you probably can't! Stop anything that he does that you pay for - e.g. broadband. Point out that you cannot have these luxuries if he does not have a proper full-time job and he should go and get one. If he doesn't respond tell him to leave. Who owns the house/is the tenant btw? Make sure you know. Make sure you know whose name bills are in and bank accounts as well. Good luck.

gamerchick · 09/08/2024 15:56

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 15:49

Oh no, I am not worried that he will be entitled to anything. I wrote common law just indicate that we have been together for a very long time etc

He's got no claim to nothing because I bought and own everything in the house and own the house so 🤷🏽‍♀️

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So if you own the house, why are you planning on leaving? Just kick the lazy fucker out

SauviGone · 09/08/2024 15:55

I bought and own everything in the house and own the house

I plan to move out with the kids

Why would you move out if you own the house?

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