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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He does not want to work

264 replies

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 12:50

AIBU to think he does not want to work?

Ok he stopped working because of arthritis and he was on sick pay insurance for 3 years (half his monthly salary paid monthly) not enough to look after a family of 4

Yes his leg is not great but I think there are jobs he can still do but refused

His insurance pay is now finished and I said to him to do some sport coaching training so that he can volunteer at our sons running club or football club or just train our son or just to stay active as advised by the doctor but he said he can't do the training because of his leg.

I said take a small customer service remote job he said no

I said do meta blue print training or the Google version online, he said no.

He is home all day everyday watching TV and hasn't missed and football matches in 3 years .

AIBU here? Because, I don't see any reason y he can't find a job to do at all. He is very lazy and would rather wallow in poverty than
get up and work.

Pls can anyone suggest any other job that someone with arthritis (knee) can do?

OP posts:
EffortlesslyInelegant · 09/08/2024 17:12

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KreedKafer · 09/08/2024 17:11

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tooeasy · 09/08/2024 17:10

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Charlize43 · 09/08/2024 17:09

Mid 40s?

He still has 25 years left of working life. Have him retrain as a bus driver or remote home worker or call centre work, etc.

I'd give him an ultimatum that he either works at something or you split. Does he really expect to laze around watching TV for the next 25 years? There are people with much worse ailments who get to work everyday.

What type of example is he setting for your children?

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 17:08

@Catza

I have said several times that I have plans & intend to when things fall into place.

OP posts:
Catza · 09/08/2024 17:07

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 17:04

I thought it's clear that I have had enough of him being lazy, not making efforts at all to work support is family financially. Yes, he got bad arthritis but i strongly believe there things he can do & if he's depressed, yes understandable but he will never admit it and seek help.

Wouldn't u be fed up of someone watching football all day when there's something he can do managing their arthritis.

Show quote history

I think the poster was asking why you can’t just walk away as you are not being clear about it.

stayathomer · 09/08/2024 17:05

what2do2donow
we had a big sit down conversation, nearly broke up, as in we both asked if we stay together or not. Those sort of definite words open a can of worms that sometimes doesn’t have to be opened, other times it changes everything x I’m sorry you’re both here x

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 17:05

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Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 17:04

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 09/08/2024 16:59

So you've had enough of him, totally understandable, you work, he doesn't, so what exactly is stopping you just walking away OP? You're really not being clear about what your problem is, in my opinion, or perhaps I'm just being thick??

I thought it's clear that I have had enough of him being lazy, not making efforts at all to work support is family financially. Yes, he got bad arthritis but i strongly believe there things he can do & if he's depressed, yes understandable but he will never admit it and seek help.

Wouldn't u be fed up of someone watching football all day when there's something he can do managing their arthritis.

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 17:00

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FranceIsWhereItsAt · 09/08/2024 16:59

So you've had enough of him, totally understandable, you work, he doesn't, so what exactly is stopping you just walking away OP? You're really not being clear about what your problem is, in my opinion, or perhaps I'm just being thick??

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:58

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Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:56

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This is not council property

Sorry I do not wish to disclose the reasons why I moved it is very personal and private but it's got nothing to do with him at all.

Although this place was to be a temporary stay and it is still but I am not leaving here going anywhere with him

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:54

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Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:50

stayathomer · 09/08/2024 16:37

Op you do sound like you hate him. I left my job to become a sahm for the second time because it really wasn’t working, the kids were being neglected at times (leaving sick 13yo at home alone, sending 11yo in sick, kids sitting on screens for hours when dh could work from home, constant bickering), but then it was worse between us- him bitter that I wasn’t working (was writing books and trying to get a wage from it but got what he meant). It is awful to have your partner for life, the person who you both had each others backs mumbling about‘it’s called work’ etc etc. you both need to have THE CONVERSATION. It’s not doing either of you any good, you both must have a lot on your mind and it needs to be put in the open.

ps I’d consider also it might be depression/ mh and he literally can’t make himself apply himself to fill out forms etc but he needs to tell you this!

Edited

I don't hate him but I am tired of caring the whole family single handly and I am not saying that because he is now disabled because she there is much difference from before and now that he is battling arthritis

There is no having conversation with him, he won't and he does not listen at all and always thinks he is right and takes the piss.
You think I haven't tried to have conversations with him regarding this all these years?
Now, I have chosen not to anymore and just plane my life like he is not in it

OP posts:
tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:48

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butterpuffed · 09/08/2024 16:48

what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:42

I wanna leave the house with kids because I do not exactly like the house in the 1st place so i want to move to one that I like with the kids.

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Can't you move to the one you own ?

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 16:48

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Octavia64 · 09/08/2024 16:47

I was devastated the first time I was turned down for pip.

The forms are so long and take a long time to fill in accurately, I had to submit so much paperwork.

Then they sent out an assessor and her report wasn't of me. It was someone else's injury.

At the time, six months after an accident and when I'd been told I might never walk again and was working from a wheelchair and fighting an insurance claim I gave up.

It genuinely was devastating though, I cried so much, we got the insurance through a few months later thankfully which paid for wheelchairs and physio and hydro and lots of other stuff.

Pip is a really psychologically gruelling process. I'm now too ill tp work and I'm girding myself to go through it again but in the knowledge that I'll need to appeal and appeal and fight the system every step.

Original poster
what2do2donow · 09/08/2024 16:42

Normallynumb · 09/08/2024 16:30

Do you have money invested in the current house you live in?
I wondered why you said you and DC will have to leave the house?
Is his name on any deeds?

I wanna leave the house with kids because I do not exactly like the house in the 1st place so i want to move to one that I like with the kids.

OP posts:
Greengrasswalks · 09/08/2024 16:41

Just kick the lazy bugger out!
That’ll make him appeal the PIP decision.

He’ll soon find a job or he won’t - not your problem. Thank F you’re not married - no financial ties. Kick him out and find your peace. I’m sure you don’t want your children to think that it’s okay to put up with what you have been putting up with for all those ‘common law’ years.
Well done on getting your degree and masters, now execute the next step to improve you and your children’s future happiness.

WishIMite · 09/08/2024 16:40

It isn't madness to suggest coaching: loads of disabled people work in coaching and sport and to suggest otherwise is just ableism.

Sports for Confidence work with OTs to get disabled people in work in the sports sector. There are lots of jobs available.

Boomer55 · 09/08/2024 16:39

Arthritis can be so variable. In some cases, it’s completely debilitating, in others it’s manageable. 🤷‍♀️

stayathomer · 09/08/2024 16:37

Op you do sound like you hate him. I left my job to become a sahm for the second time because it really wasn’t working, the kids were being neglected at times (leaving sick 13yo at home alone, sending 11yo in sick, kids sitting on screens for hours when dh could work from home, constant bickering), but then it was worse between us- him bitter that I wasn’t working (was writing books and trying to get a wage from it but got what he meant). It is awful to have your partner for life, the person who you both had each others backs mumbling about‘it’s called work’ etc etc. you both need to have THE CONVERSATION. It’s not doing either of you any good, you both must have a lot on your mind and it needs to be put in the open.

ps I’d consider also it might be depression/ mh and he literally can’t make himself apply himself to fill out forms etc but he needs to tell you this!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/08/2024 16:37

If he can’t be bothered to apply for PIP then he doesn’t care about you or your family.
It could make a huge difference to you all.
Also in terms of finding some sort of suitable employment it could help with some reasonable adjustments.
There are charities out there who can help you fill the form out. People who really need it, who are entitled to it, don’t give up and they are in a far worse position than your partner.
As for his parenting style does he act like a teenager and is less strict than you? Because he’s acting like one. You are enabling him OP and it’s not a criticism as these threads are full of cocklodgers.

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