Page 3 | Is it rude to always reverse invitations

Drearydiedre · 2024-08-09T08:22:13+00:00

We have some friends who moved to our area a couple of years ago. It turns out our paths have crossed in the past - dhs worked at the same company years ago and got on well. Dc go to the same school and get on. Dd is always wanting their dd over to play. Over the last couple of years I have invited them to a handful of things. They are lovely and polite but always reverse the invitation so that it happens at their house. For example if I invite their dd for a playdate, somehow my dd ends up there. Eg 'lovely idea! Actually we have the pool out why doesn't your dd come here tomorrow?'. I invited the mum over for coffee when we were walking back from the school run on our days off but somehow the coffee happened at hers even though we walked past my front door. It didn't really bother but yesterday I scrolled back through our messages and saw this had happened every single time. We have this weird situation now where we are pretty good family friends but none of them have set foot in our house and Dd is still desperate for a playdate at our house. Is this rude? Do they just like things on their terms or is this a non issue? I am being asked to organise another playdate but am reluctant to as I know I won't be hosting!

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 09/08/2024 12:14

Zonder · 09/08/2024 09:29

I would message and say DD would love to show friend her garden / bedroom / favourite toy so could they come round after school today for a play date.

If the mum says oh but we have the pool out bla bla just say great, let's do that tomorrow. Looking forward to the girls playing with xx later.

Edited

Don't do this. It's controlling.

It's fine to say the first part.

Conniebygaslight · 09/08/2024 11:39

I think it’s definitely weird….I completely get you OP.

Conniebygaslight · 09/08/2024 11:35

holju · 09/08/2024 09:31

It's weird. Is it that their house is spotlessly clean? I wonder if there is some sort of germphobia, like the posters on here who won't eat in someone elses house in case they've put the tea towels in the wash with the knickers.

That made me laugh…🤣🤣

Shan5474 · 09/08/2024 11:23

If I lived near someone I’d see it as a blessing - if they want to put in the effort/buy the food/entertain the kids etc. then that’s fine by me. But if further away then I’d see it as being a bit low effort. When people always want other people to go to their house it can seem as though either you’re not worth the effort of travelling or your house isn’t good enough for them

SunQueen24 · 09/08/2024 11:10

Moltenpink · 09/08/2024 10:14

Can I be her friend please? I hate hosting

Me too!

Starseeking · 09/08/2024 11:09

I do this, particularly with my DC who has SEN, as I find it hard enough to manage their needs, someone who sees them every now and again is less likely to be able to support them. So I always host, even if they invite!

comoatoupeira · 09/08/2024 11:07

martinisforeveryone · 09/08/2024 10:54

I wouldn't class it as rude, not when someone's constantly happy to entertain you in their home. As they seem good friends that you get along well with, just ask her. Say we always seem to be coming around to yours and I don't want to be a freeloader or slack in taking my turn, unless you're more comfortable in your own space? and see what she comes back with.

this

letsjustdothis · 09/08/2024 11:07

Drearydiedre · 09/08/2024 10:56

I feel it's a bit like this. They like their fabulous home to be the centre of their family life. It feels like an unequal friendship.

For those saying they'd love it - I did initially! But now if feels almost like a bit of a slight.

I think I am going to just let this drift as someone suggested it and leave it to my dd to sort out playdates when they're back at school. Maybe she can point out how unequal it is. I honestly can't be bothered with the weirdness. I like them but have been making an effort due to the dhs friendship and dds friendship. I prefer things to be straight forward!

Show quote history

It's very straightforward and not weird though. It's weirder that you're so bothered by it, maybe an underlying insecurity?

comoatoupeira · 09/08/2024 11:06

I do this because I love hosting and it's easier for me because we have a small baby (the others don't).

Also the dog thing - yes. I've avoided going to someone's house because we're not used to dogs and once one tried to hump my leg when I went round to a friend's house as a teenager, I was so embarrassed and disgusted.

mybluetractor · 09/08/2024 11:04

@Drearydiedre my friend has a few quirks I’ve noticed over time, being the centre to everything in that people have to go to her and she won’t go to others is one and I completely get why it bothers you.

In my friends case I do think she’s quite insecure but also arrogant in some ways: it is an odd combination.

Lilaccprincess · 09/08/2024 11:03

Drearydiedre · 09/08/2024 10:56

I feel it's a bit like this. They like their fabulous home to be the centre of their family life. It feels like an unequal friendship.

For those saying they'd love it - I did initially! But now if feels almost like a bit of a slight.

I think I am going to just let this drift as someone suggested it and leave it to my dd to sort out playdates when they're back at school. Maybe she can point out how unequal it is. I honestly can't be bothered with the weirdness. I like them but have been making an effort due to the dhs friendship and dds friendship. I prefer things to be straight forward!

Show quote history

Next time they try and invite you to theirs, just say no got a parcel arriving have to stay at ours or say “no we are always at yours let me return the favour!”

Lilaccprincess · 09/08/2024 11:01

I wouldn’t mind this as long as we lived local to each other.

For example if I was constantly having to drive to a friend 1 hour away and she never came to me I’d be annoyed.

5 mins away, brilliant, you do the hosting if you really want too!

Original poster

Drearydiedre · 09/08/2024 10:56

mybluetractor · 09/08/2024 10:34

I think some people are a bit like this, they like to have their home as the centre of happenings. I have a friend like that, she’s lovely but I remember when I’d just had my second and she expressed surprise people were coming to mine to meet the baby - erm yes, I can’t drive! 😂

I feel it's a bit like this. They like their fabulous home to be the centre of their family life. It feels like an unequal friendship.

For those saying they'd love it - I did initially! But now if feels almost like a bit of a slight.

I think I am going to just let this drift as someone suggested it and leave it to my dd to sort out playdates when they're back at school. Maybe she can point out how unequal it is. I honestly can't be bothered with the weirdness. I like them but have been making an effort due to the dhs friendship and dds friendship. I prefer things to be straight forward!

OP posts:

martinisforeveryone · 09/08/2024 10:54

I wouldn't class it as rude, not when someone's constantly happy to entertain you in their home. As they seem good friends that you get along well with, just ask her. Say we always seem to be coming around to yours and I don't want to be a freeloader or slack in taking my turn, unless you're more comfortable in your own space? and see what she comes back with.

Topseyt123 · 09/08/2024 10:50

I also hated hosting with a passion. I'd have been delighted with this and would have left it be. 😃

graceinspace999 · 09/08/2024 10:48

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2024 10:37

I would love this! I would get to generously offer to host and then freeload on them with no guilt at all!

Me too 😂

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2024 10:37

I would love this! I would get to generously offer to host and then freeload on them with no guilt at all!

mybluetractor · 09/08/2024 10:34

I think some people are a bit like this, they like to have their home as the centre of happenings. I have a friend like that, she’s lovely but I remember when I’d just had my second and she expressed surprise people were coming to mine to meet the baby - erm yes, I can’t drive! 😂

EasySkankin · 09/08/2024 10:32

I hate hosting. I’d love it if someone was happy to host all the time. Having said that, a long time ago I fell out with someone was a bit delusional- I didn’t realise - and who always did everything on her terms. She would never come to mine and whenever I thought we’d agreed something and knew where I stood, she’d change things without consulting me - inviting people I’d never met. Her lack of coming to mine was about control and manipulation.

So, I’d love someone to host all the time, with a caveat - that they aren’t a manipulative person who subtly undermines others to get what they want out of them.

Original poster

Drearydiedre · 09/08/2024 10:31

To answer your questions we have no cat or dog - they do. Our kids are not little. They are all junior aged and fairly independent.

They love hosting so I think it's partly this or they like being in control of everything. They have a big house if its relevant - perfect for entertaining. They dont appear to have germ phobias - they exercised the 5 second rule in my presence! And their house is not spotles. Maybe I'm missing something. I will try to offer firm invitations!

OP posts:

MillyMollyMandHey · 09/08/2024 10:28

There’s a school mum I’d consider a friend who is like this. She just really doesn’t like letting her kids out of her sight; she knows people think it’s weird so she hosts at her house. She struggles now DC are older and it wouldn’t be expected for her to be able to stay with them on play dates now, unlike when they were smaller.

She was ‘sent to’ boarding school (her words) as a child so she has massive anxiety and hang ups about leaving her own children

jennii · 09/08/2024 10:28

One of my ds friends had undiagnosed asd. Parents didn’t like to leave them anywhere but as the child got older we’re a bit embarrassed by it. So all play dates had to happen at theirs

Maddy70 · 09/08/2024 10:27

I would leave it. Keep the mess at theirs ;)

Maybe their is some history of abuse and they like to keep a closer eye on their children

Its fine if they play there isnt it?.

DaisyDewks · 09/08/2024 10:20

Do they have a little one who they like to keep settled or anything?

Just next time, you need to stick to your plan and say ah no don't worry here is fine we've already set up AB&C.

MiddleParking · 09/08/2024 10:14

A friend of mine was like this as a child, she was lovely but incredibly anxious and needed to be in total control of the environment. I still do think it’s a bit rude/self absorbed though - like her reason for wanting to host should always outweigh yours.