Is it rude to always reverse invitations

There might be more going on than just rudeness OP- social anxiety, phobia about mess/germs, poorly behaved child who they feel they can manage better at home, a health or disability issue (eg needing a particular bathroom adaptation, IBS so want to be near own toilet, food or other allergy), fear or dislike of a pet you have). Why don’t you just talk to them? You could say
’hey, actually in the whole time we’ve been friends I’ve realised you’ve never come to my house, how has it turned out like that?’

OP doesn't need to assume anything. She needs to advocate for her child who wants to host her friend. If there's an issue, then the other mum needs to come out and say so, not just keep taking control and spurning invitations.

I'm in this kind of situation as an adult. My house is perfectly clean and pleasant, and I'm a decent host. But I have two couple friends (I'm now widowed) who I simply can't get to come to my house. Any invitation to the local ones ends up being changed to their house, or them turning it into a meal out somewhere. The non-local ones that DH and I used to see for weekends always turn it into 'No, come to us!'.

The last time it happened I said 'actually I was really looking forward to hosting you and showing you around the area' and then felt really pathetic. But I DO want to host. I enjoy it. I'm a good cook, we're good friends, they've been here before and shown every impression of having a great time, and I can't find anything I'm doing wrong. But it does make me sad. So I'm team OP's DD.

I'd assume there's something going on with the DD or mum that you don't know about and be kind.

Suddenly we were all there!

I'm very big on turn and turn about, having had it drummed into me from a very early age, so probably would have said oh, no, it must be your turn to come to us after the second or third time.

Given how long this has now run, I'd find an opportunity to talk to her in private, explain you are uncomfortable with the lack of fairness and don't want to keep trespassing on their generosity.

Let her provide an explanation and decide for yourself whether you can live with that explanation. It's sn opportunity to get to know each other just a little bit better than you do now. Much better than wonder whether it's 'rude'.

This would make me paranoid there was something wrong with my house like it smelled or wasn’t clean enough

I think this is probably right but I think it's really strange you'd find it offensive or in any way a slight. I know people like this and I just go with it and save my own hosting for different friends, each to their own. Never occurred to me to feel put out.

Is it a behaviour issue? My children hype each other up and get overexcited if we are going to other people’s houses together. I am hoping they outgrow it soon but I do find it easier to host at home or only to go to very good friends houses as otherwise I get quite stressed at their behaviour at times. However I am happy to take one or the other to other peoples houses or go to other peoples houses by myself!

This would be my ideal friend
Thought it was going to be a thread about reciprocation and OP never got an invite - that you're the inviter but always becomes the invitee is the dream!

They sound a bit control freaks but I'd not worry if the DC enjoyed playing together and she invites your DC over I'd let her go and just use the childfree time to get on with jobs at home.

This sounds brilliant to me. I’ve always hated hosting!

there must be a reason they do this - drinking, child who plays up at other houses?

Does it really matter? I wouldn't push it

Could be a compliment, i.e. "your child is lovely but mine goes a bit feral and can't be trusted in company unless I'm there to squash them".

My oldest is a bit like this. He's not badly behaved as such, but will push boundaries unless the host parents are firm with him. If they're a bit of a pushover, I'll arrive to find he's on his third ice cream or he's asked to take out every toy in the place. We're working on acceptable social behaviour but in the meantime he only does unaccompanied playdates to houses where I know the parents will give behaviour like this short shift.

I do think that's rude, because they're basically rejecting your invitation and issuing one of their own.

One of the things that has struck me about this thread is that some are very keen to offer reasons as to why this might be this way, dogs and toilets and so on and that’s fine.

But what happens when there’s an equally valid ‘concern’ on the other foot? So one parent is thinking ‘I don’t like using the toilet in other peoples houses’ fine until they meet someone else who also doesn’t like using the toilet in the other persons house. Or when they both have dogs the other is wary of.

The point is that in those sorts of cases someone always ends up having to ‘give way’ if you like and those sort of relationships often become a bit imbalanced in terms of power (which is why they do it.) It isn’t that in itself hosting is important. It is that one person is ensuring that their wants and needs and dare I say it demands come first.

It's really rude, my BIL does something similar, we're planning a family trip for example and he suggests we do it with him and his family... then it all gets changed around, places, dates etc ... I don't bother any longer!

I don’t think it’s rude and I also think you need to let them know that something needs to happen at your house as your friend can’t be expected to be psychic. If you tell her that you want to share hosting duties and she refuses without a genuine reasons, than that would have the potential to be rude.

I have done this with a couple of my kids' friends.

One was a lovely boy but I didn't feel his parent would behave like I would in an emergency situation; there were also short term partners regularly round at the house which I felt was a safeguarding issue.

One had a large dog very similar to a banned breed, who was apparently "as soft as grease" and "loved cuddles".

One's parent was a dinner lady and my child was scared of her and point blank refused to go.

There could be a very valid (to them) reason. My first priority is always to my kids and if I'm rude, so what.

It’s not rude. Rude would be insisting on going to yours and never hosting.

Some people are happier in their own space. Some people love to host and have a house built around that principle. Some people are funny about eating at other people’s homes or using their toilets or worrying they wash underpants with tea towels as a PP reminded us.

As foibles go, it’s a pretty harmless one.

Play dates and coffee dates without clearing up? Sounds heavenly!

Some people feel more comfortable in their own space, they might have a pressure you're not aware of. Don't assume it's a judgement on you.

She might be funny about using the toilet at other peoples houses

Are they big drinkers? We had friends who always did this and then when they ended up coming here they moaned because they had to pay for a taxi so they could both drink! (perfectly good public transport available too!)

My SIL does this all the time. We suggest a BBQ or meal at ours it's always 'oh, come to ours, we've got XYZ' and my DH says 'yep cool' so off we trot to their place until I said no, you always host, come to us. So they did, turned up late so food got slightly charred, stayed to eat then buggered off after about an hour! So rude!

For her it's all to do with the fact that she wants to feel relaxed so in order to feel relaxed, she needs to be home...well the same goes for me too! I want to feel relaxed and I don't at her house so we now don't extend invites. we still chat on facetime/phone regularly; it's all fine but I just got fed up of schlepping to theirs when they never reciprocated.

my MiL washed once a week everything in together - she thought I was fussy and fastidious, when pregnant, new baby, toddler.

One day in her minute kitchen(ette) I picked up the tea towel to dry something of the baby’s, ugh, disgusting, asked, where do we keep the clean t towels I don’t want to use this dirty one for baby - such a look I received, snatched it from me, examined it closely with grubby hands, said, It isn’t dirty! its just sticky with food - thrusting it back at me

I never wanted to stay there, she never cleaned, never wanted to eat there, knowing she had washed hers and FiL’s knickers in with the t towels - I hope it was ‘just food’

She might not want to leave the pets . She could have something going on medically that means she prefers being at home