To think it is unprofessional for a man to go to work with unshaven stubble?

I don't think it's unprofessional

I find clean shaven blokes quite unattractive actually. I much prefer a bit of stubble.

Why does it matter what they look like? Does a bit of stubble stop them from working?

I think the voting was skewed because you didn’t open the thread with the real, more detailed issues. I think there would be a different result if you’d said it was your husband, you were having some real marital problems and he has a don’t care attitude (towards you and his appearance).

His behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

I think some people can get away with things that others can't.
Joel Dommett with stubble, client-facing? Fine.
Old man Steptoe, not so much.

@LoremIpsumCici you’re very quick to doubt yourself. I’m guessing Prince Charming has worn you down?

I don’t think you should be rushing to apologise for a frankly reasonable opinion. And certainly not to someone who verbally and physically assaulted you.

For what it’s worth, I’d agree with you. Standards have changed a lot, and things that were completely unprofessional even ten years ago are more acceptable now.

But if you look up at the higher level corporate men, they dress well. Dh rarely wears a tie any more, but he compensates with a better cut of shirt, in a fabric that don’t rumple and definitely isn’t see through, It’s the difference between a relaxed European look, and slob.

Some industries are more forgiving of appearance- some are less so. And in an uncertain jobs market, it’s wise to cast an eye over the person who decides whether to keep you or let you go and not be too fastidious if they’re very casual, or too scruffy if they’re fastidious. Different when you’ ve a niche skill, or are in a counter culture field like tech or politics.

OP - whilst I disagree with you about facial hair, you do not have to apologise to him. He threw things at you. He has behaved abusively towards you. And he is losing jobs ant a rate which suggests something is be very wrong.

And they are the bigger issueS here.

Sounds like he has self awareness issues, going to work scruffy and unshaven could be just the tip of the iceberg. You don't know at work if he warms left over fish pie up in the microwave and doesn't clean up after himself. Leaves crumbs on his desk etc etc..... YANBU definitely, you know your man better than any other on here.

Nowt to do with you. Get a life.

I may have missed this on a message above (sorry if that’s the case) but I just don’t know why you would hire someone you know is 60, obese, and scruffy, and then, after 6 months, conclude he’s too old / fat / scruffy.

Do people really care about this in 2024? My partners gone to the office with stubble. He shaves every three days and gets irritation easily. His stubble is dark and noticeable within hours. One of his colleagues works in a tracksuit so doubtful they give a shit about stubble…. it’s really relaxed.

Unless it’s a very specific environment, I can’t see it being his appearance that is the issue. I took on an allegedly very experienced over 50 who should have been able to do the job with one eye closed. They interviewed very well.
What I got was someone who didn’t want to /couldn’t learn, tried to indulge in inappropriate ‘banter’, refused to follow processes because they knew better(!) and who was extremely rude when they felt under pressure/challenged. Unsurprisingly they failed probation.

Possibly misunderstood - but sounds like he has only lost one job after failing probation - redundancy after 3 years is not remarkable and he’s still in current job. So it may be just a blip? I am over 60 and ‘not a good team fit’ may be coded ageism, but could be a genuine reflection of attitudes and approaches to work/colleagues that are not compatible with company ethos/harmonious working relationships. I also think some people have a remarkable facility for not seeing their own flaws and don’t see these issues coming when there have been red flags along the way. Sounds like he does react well to criticism (understatement) so he may have these blind spots. In any case it doesn’t sound like there’s much love/respect left in the relationship and stubble isn’t really the issue.

If you had have reversed the sexes, everyone would be saying your wife should lose weight. I'm approaching 60 and yes, you do need to look at your grooming more than you might have when you were younger. Or in some jobs, you will suffer from ageism. People are judging him less competent because of his age, his weight and his scruffiness, then there's his attitude. If his performance is slightly not as expected, then he'll be gone. However he could be feeling down about it all and you could talk to him about how he us feeling. Don't accept abusive behaviour. Being honest there's pubs we don't bother much with because from the age of about 57, the men seem to have turned into arseholes and they are letting their appearance slip.

You’re not BU at all. I think those who say you are, are looking at working environments through should-be-like-this specs, rather than real world specs.

The sad truth is, a disheveled, let’s be honest slobby looking, man approaching his 60s absolutely IS going to be judged by many of his colleagues including management. Scruffy and unkempt is never a good look, unless you work for a trendy software company where people slop around in flip flops and play ping pong in “break out” rooms (doubt even these still exist).

I’m retired now but had a long career in senior management and sadly people do judge. Not saying it’s right, but they do. We all know that as we age it gets harder, and we do have to try harder. It’s gutting with our experience but it’s true. We are in danger of becoming the smelly cat in the corner as it is, let alone looking like it.

Sure others will jump in here and scream well who wants to work there anyway?! Maybe when they are nearly 60 they will appreciate the challenges more, especially with a developing chequered recent work history.

All this aside - his behaviour to you is awful. You must be sorely tempted to let him navigate the world solo at this point.

When I'm in charge of the country I will make it law for all men to have stubble. YABU.

As long as he is clean, I wouldnt give a toss.

Oh dear…

I think it looks scruffy. My line manager wears unironed clothes and often has a few days stubble. He looks really unprofessional in my opinion.
I appreciate people are more casual these days, I am myself but I still think some basic standards are necessary.

We've a lady who seems to be growing a bit of a moustache in our office, a real lady.

I've only read as far as this - I agree!

The ship has sailed in terms of whether it's generally acceptable in society (it is) but there is a big difference between the purposely short stubble of a younger man and that of an older one.. with white hairs coming through and less elasticity in the jawline, the ones I've seen put me in mind of Steptoe
Obviously commenting on appearance is unfair and people should be judged for how good they are at their job, but sadly that's not normally the case.

What is his attitude like towards things like housework, life admin, etc? Because it's likely he applies that same attitude to the more "menial" aspects of his work, hence the sackings.

Have you considered that your abusive husband who thinks his behaviour towards you is acceptable, behaves in a way that's unacceptable at work too?

Or that a man who doesn't respect you, doesn't think anything of lying to you?

Instead of making it adversarial, why not try a bit of empathy?

It's not unheard of for people who've been made redundant to have their mental health spiral, especially in later years. Instead of making it about how he looks and how he's treating you, maybe consider the fact that he might be sinking into a funk but hasn't yet identified it himself?

To people in that situation, it just feels like everything's going wrong for absolutely no reason, and nothing they can do fixes anything. That's when partners are supposed to lend a supportive hand, not just play the blame game.

Is the rage thing - flying off the handle- new? Was he like that before his redundancy? And have you always been the breadwinner or is that a recent dynamic?

It will have been hard being made redundant in his 50s, having to find a job , then losing that one etc. if he’s gone from being ‘equal’ in providing the £££ , to you being the breadwinner, he possibly feels bruised.

Not an excuse for bad behaviour , but maybe just a change of approach. Not sure how he is finding the jobs, but a good recruitment agency can sometimes offer feedback and pointers which are easier to swallow than when they come from a spouse.

And yes, he probably needs to see a GP with respect to depression, and possibly weight management , exercise etc.