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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is unprofessional for a man to go to work with unshaven stubble?

136 replies

LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 09:00

I think it is still considered unprofessional for a man to go into a work office with unshaven stubble. I’m not taking about close cut beards, or moustaches or groomed facial hair. I am talking 2-3day old stubble. I am also not talking about WFH, but going into an office environment where he will meet with colleaugues and clients.

YABU- I’m old fashioned and it is perfectly ok for a man to have wild, free range stubble these days in an office setting.

YANBU- It is not ok to have stubble in the office.

OP posts:
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FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/08/2024 17:16

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2024 10:14

What the hell are you on about? This is her husband, who is struggling to hold a job, it's quite usual to care about what your spouse thinks.

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What I'm on about is answering her original post as cannot be arsed to read through all the replies -this is essentially why it's a good idea to be clear in an OP and not drip feed later...

CarolConcert · 09/08/2024 16:29

It sounds like he has a stinking attitude. He called you a bitch and threw a box at you. I doubt some of this isn't seeping out at work. Don't put up with that OP.

MooseBreath · 09/08/2024 16:16

A friend of mine can essentially grow a beard in a day. 5 o'clock shadow happens by 10am. Should he bring a razor to work?

brunettemic · 09/08/2024 16:12

LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 09:07

No.

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What if the woman was obese, pushing 60 and it made her look dishevelled?

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:44

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tooeasy · 09/08/2024 15:43

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NewYearNewJob2024 · 09/08/2024 14:17

It sounds like it has more to do with his people skills rather than his stubble!!

Original poster
LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 13:59

BunnyLake · 09/08/2024 12:44

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not like your husband’s scruffy unkempt appearance, which may be impacting his ability to keep a job.

OP you should have made it clear in your first post that it was your husband and you weren’t just some judgemental, interfering work colleague.

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I should have. I think I was trying to keep it less identifiable. He knows I come on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 13:53

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That is the larger question and I am struggling with it. I do think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 13:35

BetteLaSwet · 09/08/2024 09:45

You’re not BU at all. I think those who say you are, are looking at working environments through should-be-like-this specs, rather than real world specs.

The sad truth is, a disheveled, let’s be honest slobby looking, man approaching his 60s absolutely IS going to be judged by many of his colleagues including management. Scruffy and unkempt is never a good look, unless you work for a trendy software company where people slop around in flip flops and play ping pong in “break out” rooms (doubt even these still exist).

I’m retired now but had a long career in senior management and sadly people do judge. Not saying it’s right, but they do. We all know that as we age it gets harder, and we do have to try harder. It’s gutting with our experience but it’s true. We are in danger of becoming the smelly cat in the corner as it is, let alone looking like it.

Sure others will jump in here and scream well who wants to work there anyway?! Maybe when they are nearly 60 they will appreciate the challenges more, especially with a developing chequered recent work history.

All this aside - his behaviour to you is awful. You must be sorely tempted to let him navigate the world solo at this point.

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Yes. This is exactly what I was thinking and my concern for him. God knows he doesn’t need another rejection. I am getting tempted to just stay silent and hands off.

OP posts:
benid · 09/08/2024 13:32

CroutonSpoon · 09/08/2024 09:52

I may have missed this on a message above (sorry if that’s the case) but I just don’t know why you would hire someone you know is 60, obese, and scruffy, and then, after 6 months, conclude he’s too old / fat / scruffy.

Edited

Fair point!

BunnyLake · 09/08/2024 12:44

BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 10:47

YABU and ridiculous.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not like your husband’s scruffy unkempt appearance, which may be impacting his ability to keep a job.

OP you should have made it clear in your first post that it was your husband and you weren’t just some judgemental, interfering work colleague.

dottiehens · 09/08/2024 11:54

A bit of afford to look professional but these days everything goes. At least in MN.

bellocchild · 09/08/2024 11:33

LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 09:18

It’s what he has said to me. Ofc he could be lying.

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I think looking scruffy and dishevelled, especially when he's new to the job, implies that he doesn't care very much about fitting in or working in a team. It's rather disrespectful.

tooeasy · 09/08/2024 11:31

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Babbahabba · 09/08/2024 11:24

If he is clean, his hair is brushed, his clothes clean/not crumpled/properly fitting, shoes clean etc, I think it's unfair he should be judged for his age, weight and facial hair.

Choochoo21 · 09/08/2024 10:47

I am always made up for work.
I wear make up, have my hair and nails done and keep my eyebrows shaped.

I do notice when men or women also make an effort with their appearance but I have never judged someone for not making an effort.

I work with a lady with a very noticeable moustache, never wears make up and admits to not brushing her hair very often due to mobility.
I absolutely her and she’s such a hard worker.

I also work with a man who looks immaculate.
He goes to the gym every day, is always clean shaven, smells good and wears expensive suits.
He’s a prick.

I know which one all of my team would prefer to work with.

You cannot tell an adult to shave.
Just like he cannot tell you to wear make up.

I completely understand your frustration but this has nothing to do with his appearance and tbh it sounds like he’s going in and acting like a twat.

He knows it’s his performance but is too much of an arse to admit it.

BabygirlTom · 09/08/2024 10:47

YABU and ridiculous.

KreedKafer · 09/08/2024 10:38

LoremIpsumCici · 09/08/2024 09:35

I don’t hate him. I thought I was looking out for him by suggesting he do a quick shave. I also ironed his clothes and made coffee for his work mug.

Sigh. Well I need to get back to my job as well. Thank you for the quick input all.

Edited
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OP, my point wasn't actually meant to be criticism of you at all. I just meant that if things are at this point, this doesn't feel like a loving and healthy relationship any more.

Everything you've said kind of points towards you finding your husband irritating and unattractive, and if he is calling you a bitch and throwing things at you, he is clearly abusive, and frankly I wouldn't blame you if you did hate him - he certainly doesn't seem to have much affection for you, if that's how he behaves. It's awful.

My point is simply that his stubble is not the problem here - either in your marriage, or in his job. It's unlikely that this is the reason he's been deemed 'not a good fit' at work. It will be his personality, not his appearance, that is the issue. He's behaving awfully towards you and clearly repeatedly has problems getting on with people at work.

Mirabai · 09/08/2024 10:33

Posters cry drip feed when they plunge in with opinions without asking basic questions.

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2024 10:14

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/08/2024 10:10

Give over, you're being ridiculous. Also I'm pretty sure said men couldn't give a flying fuck what you think, so there's that.

What the hell are you on about? This is her husband, who is struggling to hold a job, it's quite usual to care about what your spouse thinks.

OneTC · 09/08/2024 10:14

You don't need to apologise.

Drip feed aside I agree with you about looking professional for a work environment and I agree with you that what you can often get away with in your 20s-40s presents a different picture in your 50s and 60s.

People can of course look however the fuck they want, but it's mad to not recognise that other people will, rightly or wrongly, judge you for that, companies running probation periods will be judging you for everything.

DoIWantTo · 09/08/2024 10:13

YABU in that men shouldn’t need to shave just the same as women shouldn’t either.

However your “D”H sounds like an absolute cunt and I wouldn’t be apologising to him at all. Is he usually violent? Does he regularly throw things at you? Are you safe?

LlynTegid · 09/08/2024 10:12

I think it is, though could list a number of worse things. Part of being the scruffiest nation in Europe.

Most employers will not mention it though.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/08/2024 10:10

Give over, you're being ridiculous. Also I'm pretty sure said men couldn't give a flying fuck what you think, so there's that.