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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think of uninviting her

134 replies

Forthelovagod · 08/08/2024 23:24

Invited friend on holiday with my family. She's being a nightmare and we haven't even left yet. I can't stand her negativity, abruptness and mean-ness. I have been friends with her a long time but i no longer want her in my life. She causes me nothing but stress and i realise now that she's only having a hardtime because she behaves in a way that is totally unreasonable but then adopts a poor me attitude.

We go on holiday in 2 days. Aibu to even consider telling her i cant go through with it. I can refund her, its less than 200 quid as cheap flight and small contribution to our accomodation.
Or do i have to suck it up for a week. Im actually dreading spending a week with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forthelovagod · 09/08/2024 14:35

Because the flight is during the night so no public transport and she didnt want to take her car also as im taking mine.

OP posts:
WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 09/08/2024 14:34

said she wasn't sure that fuel would be that expensive as only going her house to Airport (30miles) no thought to my 40 mile detour

Why the hell are you doing a detour if she only lives 30 miles from the airport? That's ridiculous

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 09/08/2024 14:33

Myself and two almost adult children. Everyone can do their own thing but i know she wont be happy to do that. She is not a go with the flow kinda person. But we share some hobbies (how we met) so hopefully can be 'busy'

OP posts:
Therightcoffee · 09/08/2024 14:30

Ugh - yeah, I’m afraid I’m prone to over committing and it’s a lesson I have to remind myself of.

Some nice and non mad in general people are really strange with money. We once gave a friend a 5 year old car (we were emigrating) and they asked if they could have it sooner, and they’d go halves with us on hiring us a hire car til we left….

but you know, you have to practice pausing and saying I’ll think about it and get back to you….

I really hope it goes better than it seems.

Zonder · 09/08/2024 14:30

How many of you are going? Can you arrange to go and do trips without her?

HappyLittleNarwhal · 09/08/2024 14:29

Cancelling someone's holiday 2 days prior is utter shitbaggery.

HowIrresponsible · 09/08/2024 14:26

Don't refund her the money. Yet.

Because I assume she has a plane ticket in her name? What if you refund her the money and she turns up at the airport and goes anyway? You can't stop her...

KeirSpoutsTwaddle · 09/08/2024 14:24

The lesson there is to push back quicker.

So when she says/does something unreasonable , don’t patiently let it go. Challenge it.

‘Hey, Jane! You’re doing it again. Stop being snappy.’

Original poster
Forthelovagod · 09/08/2024 14:21

Thanks got all the varying opinions. I appreciate the feedback.

So i sent a message saying i wondered if sjecwas regretting booking to cone because there has been no positive chat from her, only stressing about money etc and that i really want a relaxing holiday. I also told her directly what things in messages were upsetting me so as to be clear.
She responded absolutely wants to go amd is happy with all the arrangements ive made.

I called her and as predicted she became the victim in it. She's been busy. Stressful stuff happening and she ends uo sending blunts messages to her 'very good friend' but they come across blunt and rude and she doesnt mean it. She then goes quiet and talks in an almost childlike defeated voice saying things like 'if you don't want me to come i can just not come, you dont have to give me a refund.' But this is the same 45 yr old woman who asked what her share of fuel/parking was, when i suggested £10 towards fuel (40mile detour to take her) said she wasn't sure that fuel would be that expensive as only going her house to Airport (30miles) no thought to my 40 mile detour before to get to her. Just mean and tight which is so unpleasant and i am always generous towards her.

Anyway i said goodbye, see you tmrw.... Lets have a lovely holiday.... She said goodbye in the chastised child voice which is completely her style and ive since had some unsent messages to messenger. She can come on holiday but i will learn from this.

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 09/08/2024 14:15

jackstini · 09/08/2024 11:47

It's a bit shitty to do it 2 days before but I get you don't want your family holiday wrecking!

You need to call her and be very clear

'Friend - I have found the last couple of days sorting things out very stressful & upsetting. I am absolutely not willing for the holiday to end up being more of the same & ruin it for all of us

I can see 3 options - let me know which one you prefer:
Cancel altogether and go on the other trip - I will refund you
Keep the flights but you stay elsewhere - I will refund your accommodation
Come - but you need to promise no negativity and go with the flow

Good luck!

I think this is a really sensible and fair solution

Therightcoffee · 09/08/2024 12:33

I don’t think it’s fair either, it’s pretty horrible but you’ll end up having a big falling out on holiday v likely so just cancel her as it’s the least worst option. She can still get something last minute on her own, although I suspect she won’t if she is an overchecker etc.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 09/08/2024 12:20

I dont think it's fair to boot someone off a holiday 2 days before. you must have known what she was like. I'd just stuck it up this time and learn from your mistake in the future. my dm is really difficult. we've had multiple holidays go south because of her behaviour. It was really hard to put in boundaries, but I no longer take her away.

BigDahliaFan · 09/08/2024 12:19

Doesn't a guest on a family holiday have a bit of duty not to try and make anything awkward or all about them?

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2024 12:11

Catlord · 09/08/2024 11:21

I was going to comment that cancelling with two days' notice was a really mean thing to do and quite cowardly but she can afford another holiday and her behaviour has escalated very recently.

Look, have the tough conversation upthread (preferably on the phone, your texting styles don't match which is adding to the irritation) with a view to refunding if she doesn't respond well.

I'd put the ball in her court. Ask in a good humoured way, 'Sue, X,Y and Z have been commented upon now. I have to ask, do you want to come or would you prefer me to refund you in full and we'll say no more about it? I won't be offended. I know you have the option to go on the other trip instead'.

It may be that after her separation, the last thing she actually wants in the cold light of day is a family holiday and she's wishing she never said yes (obv not your problem, it was very kind to ask) so it may be a welcome get out.

I agree with this.

Butwhybecause · 09/08/2024 12:06

She might be trying to work out how to tell you she doesn't really want to go on holiday with you after all, of course! That's why she's being difficult.

You don't seem to like her much so why on earth did you invite her to go on holiday with you? I think it's too late now and would be a very mean thing to do.

We learn by our mistakes, learn by this one and don't invite third parties on family holidays again.

BigDahliaFan · 09/08/2024 12:05

pictoosh · 09/08/2024 11:48

"and as for the week's annual leave you've booked off...never mind eh?"

No. OP can't do that. Not when the holiday was suggested by her in the first place.
That's not on.

Show quote history

I'm normally the biggest people pleaser in the world but she's being a right pain and they aren't going to stay friends whatever. Why fool her into thinking that they will be?

alrightluv · 09/08/2024 12:00

@jackstini has it. Better to be honest.

Whalewatching · 09/08/2024 12:00

She does sound awful @Forthelovagod but I think on this occasion you have to suck it up and go with her. It’s too late to cancel I think. But you have my sympathies- she’s a head melt.

Lilaccprincess · 09/08/2024 12:00

Maybe call her and have an adult conversation with her. You don’t want to lose the friendship but you’ve been finding her difficult and negative lately and worried about spending a week together.

She may break down and tell you she’s struggling and shouldn’t have acted that way. She may turn round and say I don’t want to come on holiday etc.

I think you’ve been friends with her for long to dump her and send her money 2 days before flying out is just rude and bad on you. You know she’s been like this for a while and invited her away knowing she was like this.

Solve this properly

Garibaldhead · 09/08/2024 11:57

Next time she complains, say "It doesn't sound like you really want to come on this holiday. Would you rather I just refund you the money?"

Then either she will back out gracefully or she will stop and think about how she is behaving. Either way, it leaves the ball in her court.

Lilaccprincess · 09/08/2024 11:57

pictoosh · 09/08/2024 11:48

"and as for the week's annual leave you've booked off...never mind eh?"

No. OP can't do that. Not when the holiday was suggested by her in the first place.
That's not on.

Show quote history

Totally agree.

Maybe spending a week together OP can tell friend the truth and maybe they can become closer. Friend might be going through go a hard time and doesn’t realise she’s coming across negative.

pictoosh · 09/08/2024 11:48

BigDahliaFan · 09/08/2024 11:37

It's not great. But you shouldn't take her if it's going to ruin your holiday.

Just say we've changed it to family only, sorry, here's your money back.

"and as for the week's annual leave you've booked off...never mind eh?"

No. OP can't do that. Not when the holiday was suggested by her in the first place.
That's not on.

MoonAndStarsAndSky · 09/08/2024 11:48

You can't uninvite someone the day before that's just horrendous. You have walked into this situation with your eyes open - use it as a lesson for the future.

jackstini · 09/08/2024 11:47

It's a bit shitty to do it 2 days before but I get you don't want your family holiday wrecking!

You need to call her and be very clear

'Friend - I have found the last couple of days sorting things out very stressful & upsetting. I am absolutely not willing for the holiday to end up being more of the same & ruin it for all of us

I can see 3 options - let me know which one you prefer:
Cancel altogether and go on the other trip - I will refund you
Keep the flights but you stay elsewhere - I will refund your accommodation
Come - but you need to promise no negativity and go with the flow

Good luck!

BigDahliaFan · 09/08/2024 11:37

It's not great. But you shouldn't take her if it's going to ruin your holiday.

Just say we've changed it to family only, sorry, here's your money back.