To think this is not acceptable behaviour from a dad to his 8 year old son...?

The only time my DH ever grabbed a child arm was when DC aged 8 saw a dog across the road he knew and went to run out to fuss it but there was a bus coming. He also apologised to DC but told him he thought he'd be run over.

Calling a dc stupid is extremely abusive and will have long lasting effects on DC self esteem.

You haven't answered why your son is arguing over a remote so much that he feels it's ok to strike a parent and then refuse to go to his room.

This is what I mean by chaotic.

@Missamyp because noone teaches you how to be a parent except your own experience and OP has already said this was her experience as a child and she is trying to break that cycle but it's made harder when you have no real life comparisons

Your household sounds utterly chaotic.
Why are the parents and the children hitting each other, and shouting?
Parental communication skills sound shocking.

I'm pretty sure none of this counts as assault unfortunately.
If you don't want him having access to them then after splitting you could talk to Social Services.

No, my children never had this type of treatment from their father.
My second husband was a drunk but never treated his children like this while they stayed with us.
My sons in law would never do any of these things. They’re no push over and expect their children to behave but I can’t imagine either of them doing any of this.

Your husband is taking his anger ( over the divorce ? Your living situation? Something else?) out on a child. So wrong and will do so much harm to both your children.
Can only suggest you speak to Women’s Aid, your solicitor maybe.

Just so simplistic

I'm not sure whether it would be classed as abuse, but quite clearly, the father is unable to assert himself effectively without the need for shouting and chasing the kid around. He sounds pathetic.

So did your son hit and shout at dh?

It’s not your fault. It’s not easy leaving and accepting abuse either. So give yourself some credit for recognising this and seeking ways to help you and your children.

Dont take any blame for this yourself. And you are not alone. We’ve got your back.

Do you have children? Would you really be happy to watch their other parent do the things OP outlined in her post, just because your dad did similar?

Apart from calling him stupid, nothing too bad.

My dad was like this so it sounds normal to me (90s child).

He should also be reminded that this type of 'discipline' is a temporary 'privilege'. Before long it's likely his son will be bigger stronger and fitter than he is. It's rather foolish to establish a dynamic where by the most able male controls through anger and violence. I've seen this backfire very badly on fathers of sons.

Your husband needs to have a radical rethink. Somewhere along his journey to becoming an adult male he failed to take on board the essential life lesson, that with greater physical strength comes great responsibility, for self control, for active restraint and gentleness. He simply cannot go around indulging his anger in any way he sees fit as he will intimidate and hurt people. If he isn't willing to accept this most basic of truths, then unfortunately there is no hope and he cannot be trusted around a child.

Husband needs to apologise for his incredibly awful behaviour. The poor children. Yes adults get angry and he sounds very stressed - but he can't take this out on those who he is meant to protect. It's not on.

He must apologise to them. Speak to children and say dad's behaviour isn't right.

Then ask your husband to seek some help. People get stressed and do things they shouldn't, but that's his children and he has to help himself to be a better person.

It's not about minimising it. But what can she do? It's horrible but not illegal. She can and probably should leave him but it won't stop him treating the child like this. If anything he'll have free rein to do it without his mother being there to step in. It's an awful situation.

Other dads do this but that doesn’t make it ok. My stepdad was one of those dads and my mum turned a blind eye and blamed me if pushed on it.

It impacted me well beyond childhood - when I was younger I had emotionally and physically abusive partners. I had to learn what a healthy relationship was because I thought fear, belittling comments and violence were part of love. I still jump easily at loud noises or unexpected movements, 20+ years later. My relationship with my mum is permanently impacted by her failure to protect me - she is not a person I can be open or close with because I don’t feel safe with her.

Your son’s deserve a safe home where they’re protected from an adult’s inability to regulate his emotions. You need to start dialogue with them now about his unacceptable behaviour too - once you’re divorced you won’t be there to see it and if they think it’s normal they may not tell you.