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Original poster

To be reluctant about long term commitment because I own my home?

41 replies

FaithD · 08/08/2024 19:43

Five years ago I was able to buy a 2 bed flat outright using a mix of savings and an inheritance. Not having to rent has been amazing.

My partner of a year currently rents and is looking at buying a small holiday home in his home country (where it is much cheaper to buy more spacious homes in good locations). He says he may well be up for buying a house here in the UK too but he needs to get settled status first - which he can do later this year.

As I start to think about the long term, I realize that 1) if we have kids where would they live and how would we manage it? 2) I actually love having my own property asset and don't fancy giving it up in marriage for example.

I know that probably isn't the popular opinion?! Interested to hear thoughts about this could work...

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 08/08/2024 20:20

FaithD · 08/08/2024 20:02

@Aquamarine1029 he hasn't said he wants to return for sure. He might never return. But he does want to spend more time with family and rent the holiday place out.

From my point of view we won't be moving there and having kids at the start because I theory I'd want to have my first in next few years and we have serious jobs here in the UK as well as ties. We will need to have kids here first and will need to live in a property in those early years. So how is that going to work?

You're right that it will take a lot of discussion!

If you want to have your first in the next few years then what are your plans if you split? That doesn't leave a whole lot of time to meet someone new and get settled enough to have kids. I mean I guess I'm just saying you need to do some soul searching!

MixieMatchie · 08/08/2024 20:17

Right now for this thread I want to figure out where we would live in the UK with me owning and him renting if we started a family.

Hang on, I'm confused - it sounds like you're saying you want to start a family while living in separate houses? Is that what you're saying?

If you don't want to merge assets but do want to start a family, could you not just buy as tenants in common, each owning a specified share? You'd still have to sell up (or buy him out) in the event of a split, but there's no getting round disruption once you split and have kids.

AquaFurball · 08/08/2024 20:16

Secure your existing assets before marriage, he should do the same. Any property you buy to live in together with children would be split should you divorce.

Catza · 08/08/2024 20:11

Just to add, my friend had a flat when she married her boyfriend. She had a pre-nap with clearly separated finances. 20 years and two kids later, she just bought another property and he only owns 10% of it. But, again, they lived together before marrying. You don’t. You may find that you can’t stand his guts two weeks after moving in with him. It often happens.

Catza · 08/08/2024 20:08

FaithD · 08/08/2024 20:02

@Aquamarine1029 he hasn't said he wants to return for sure. He might never return. But he does want to spend more time with family and rent the holiday place out.

From my point of view we won't be moving there and having kids at the start because I theory I'd want to have my first in next few years and we have serious jobs here in the UK as well as ties. We will need to have kids here first and will need to live in a property in those early years. So how is that going to work?

You're right that it will take a lot of discussion!

I suppose you can always have kids without marrying ( a crime on MN). Once they are older, it’s not so much of an issue that parent’s aren’t married. If he is open to buying a property here, you can live at his and let your place or live at yours.. depends on what is cheaper and more practicable. Are you, in theory, open to idea of him living at yours? I think it is tricky to think this far ahead if you don’t even live together at the moment.

Original poster
FaithD · 08/08/2024 20:06

Other than the property, being able to call him my husband sounds really lovely and appealing. But there is a consequence.

OP posts:
Original poster
FaithD · 08/08/2024 20:05

@DeliciousApples yes I suppose I do partially mean marriage. I mean how on earth do I say - look I don't want to get married because I want my home to stay mine?!

Just so it's part of the conversation, he comes from one of the best countries in Europe according to the stats every year. But I know there are implications.

Right now for this thread I want to figure out where we would live in the UK with me owning and him renting if we started a family.

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 08/08/2024 20:03

How is he getting settled status? Is that anything to do with being with you?

Honestly, until they legalise prenups there's no way in hell I'm marrying.

Watched my friends lose so much to lazy exes who ripped them off.

So if marriage is what you mean by commitment then I wouldn't, for fear of losing half my house if we split up.

I also wouldn't have kids to someone in a country that disrespects women and/or where my partner could kidnap my kids to.

There are so many threads about don't give up your job and be a sahm as you'll lose out in the end so I'd be wary of doing that also.

Original poster
FaithD · 08/08/2024 20:02

@Aquamarine1029 he hasn't said he wants to return for sure. He might never return. But he does want to spend more time with family and rent the holiday place out.

From my point of view we won't be moving there and having kids at the start because I theory I'd want to have my first in next few years and we have serious jobs here in the UK as well as ties. We will need to have kids here first and will need to live in a property in those early years. So how is that going to work?

You're right that it will take a lot of discussion!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2024 19:57

I think having kids with someone from another country could be tricky, especially if they already know they want to return there. There are some countries of origin that would be a deal breaker altogether. You'll have to have many discussions about each of your expectations and ideas for the future.

Original poster
FaithD · 08/08/2024 19:48

@TinyYellow Yes I'm planning to have that talk soon but first need to get my own head in order about what could work!

OP posts:
Catza · 08/08/2024 19:48

FaithD · 08/08/2024 19:47

@Catza do you mind me asking if you have kids?

Or just the two of you

Not joint kids either 😂. But yes, we have a teen living with us.

Original poster
FaithD · 08/08/2024 19:47

@Catza do you mind me asking if you have kids?

Or just the two of you

OP posts:
TinyYellow · 08/08/2024 19:47

You need to have a conversation with him about how each of you sees your future. It’s fine for you to not want marriage and children, but you should probably make sure he knows that if you’re both at at stage of life where it could reasonably be expected.

Catza · 08/08/2024 19:45

We have two properties. One his where we live and one mine (abroad) which will be sold in spring and I will buy a small house locally. I have no plans to join assets. We can be flexible about where we live, mine or his, but I have no plans to buy anything “together” and neither does he, as far as I know.

AnOldCynic · 08/08/2024 19:45

Personally I'd never have kids either someone from a different country. Far too complicated if you split up.

I'm such a romantic...

Loads of advice I'm sure will come from others regarding protecting your home.

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