To not want his mum’s ring?

An engagement ring is a bit different though given you wear it every day. Size is one thing, but for example I never wear yellow gold and don't suit narrow bands so I wouldn't relish an engagement ring with either property.

As I say, we are all different, the symbolism would just mean so much more to me. I don't wear gold either (although it's back in fashion now) but I would for something like this.

My DH proposed using a family ring. It had whopper diamonds in it. I have tiny hands and it wouldn’t have suited me at all, but it was lovely that he had the ring when he asked me.
He had always known it might not be my thing or suit me and that was fine. We then went out a couple of days later and chose a much smaller ring together.
The family ring went back to his parents and later his brother used it to propose and his now-wife wears it and loves it.

That family ring would be worth loads. I was told I could keep it anyway even though I wouldn’t be wearing it, but I returned it as I knew someone else later might wear it. I love my small, dainty ring.

The ring is important. I’ve only taken mine off twice in over 20 years. I still love it.

Communication is so important in a relationship. This matters so you have to be able to say it and he has to be able to hear it. Tell him the sentiment is lovely and you’d love him to propose with it, but it simply isn’t your style (and in most cases, a partner will understand that as they know you) and you’d like to choose together.
It’s up to him what he does with the ring. Maybe he will keep it or give it another family member or have the stone made into something for you.

First answer nails it

DIL has a ring of my grandmother's as an engagement ring. It's a large stone and worth about £9k. I imagine you wouldn't have a problem with that?

I wouldn’t want to wear it if I didn’t like it-regardless of whether it cost £20 or £9k. I presume your daughter in law did like your grandmother’s ring, so was happy to have it as her engagement ring. Unlike the OP who doesn’t like this ring.

Funny how traditional all this is. Surely he should wear it in some way? Get it melted and remodelled for him? Ring or cufflinks?

The symbolism is lovely, and if he had given it to OP for a significant birthday or something to wear as a dress ring I'd agree she was being very hard hearted and materialistic.

An engagement ring is a bit different though given you wear it every day. Size is one thing, but for example I never wear yellow gold and don't suit narrow bands so I wouldn't relish an engagement ring with either property.

Tell him that’s more of a push present thing.

I would not want an engagement ring I didn’t like. I love mine and it makes me very happy every day. Speak to him about it

Include her diamond in new design …? But you must tell him you worry about losing it, and feel it’s dowdy?

But your daughter might not like it either ..it will be even more “dated” by then? Is it not possible to have it made into an another piece of jewellery? A necklace or another kind of ring? Please don’t underestimate how much it means to him to give it to you. Im not saying you have to wear a ring you don’t like , but I think you should accept it , but explain its not your style - can he help you think about how you can wear it in a different way

Obviously it's your choice, we're all different; but I think it's a lovely sentiment and given the fact he's been so long without a mother it just seems thoughtful. It's a much stronger message of love than a generic platinum band anyone can have, I guess it's a question of what does an engagement ring mean to you? Is it a show of love, or is it a fashion statement? I think a ring would have to be very ugly for me to not see the symbolism, my ring is very small now, we were young, we couldn't afford much, we could upgrade it now but I have no intentions to, what it symbolises means so much more to me than showing off to people what we can afford.

Surely that would just ruin the proposal being shown a ring you dislike? OP wants her own ring which should be involved in the special moment

So what's wrong with not wanting an outdated ring with some tiny diamond as your engagement ring that ideally you get to wear for life. My mother once told me that she knew I didn't really like or suit her engagement ring and once she was gone I should feel free to have it remade or sell it or whatever. Despite that I have kept it but don't wear it. I like knowing it's there safely tucked away in my jewellery box. I wouldn't expect any future daughter in law to necessarily like it or wear it either. My mother was very clear about the fact that she chose her ring and I am sure she thought any daughters-in-law of mine would want to do the same.

Having it made into a ring for him is a good idea as long as there's enough of it and he isn't too hard on jewellery in his daily job.

Old (high carat) yellow gold is quite soft and i would imagine the ring is worn quite thin with age.

DH works in a job incompatible with fancy rings and needed a large white gold (hard) ring with no stones.

I could be your DIL! Similar ring and similar worth (on paper anyway). We had it completely redesigned because everyone agreed the style was very dated. How can an engagement ring not be materialistic?! Just get a piece of string or a daisy chain if that's the case lol.

Yes I think the kind compromise here is he proposes using his mother's ring and you wear it for special occasions, you then choose another ring together for everyday wear. I like PP's idea about having the stone made into a necklace or something if he'd go for that?

I don't think you should use the line though that you're worried about losing or damaging his mum's special ring, if what you really want is a huge expensive sparkly rock, because surely you would be equally worried about damaging that? If that's the case I think you might just have to be honest and say you don't really like his Mum's ring and you really want your own ring the way you want it and be prepared that he might be offended. If you want to use that line I think it'll have to be a slightly more modest ring, a lab grown diamond or a zircona maybe?

Could the ring be reset into a more modern design would your fiancé be happy with that idea? I am sure it means a lot to him for you to wear his late mums ring, the Princess of Wales wears her late MIL engagement ring, who could have had the choice of any ring she wanted. But if you don’t want to you need to say it OP, and perhaps choose a new one together.

Yes just be honest and tell him.

Just keep it simple and say you're flattered that he'd think of doing that but you'd like to chose your own ring as you've always had a particular style in mind for example.

If he pushes you can go a bit more into words like 'yellow gold's not really me' or reasons why you don't like it, but avoid that if poss. !

Re: wanting a bigger stone - OP says they can afford it so that's just fine! Why not? Have the ring you want OP.

I'd suggest that he gets his wedding ring made out of it.

I have a family ring from my husband's side but we had it completely redesigned- reused the stones and melted and reused the gold. Could you do something like that?

honestly tell him, tell him that it would make better sense to make another something out of it to be an heirloom piece, as this is not the ring you had in mind for an engagement ring, even though you do recognise the sentiment

The ring sounds like a ring I inherited from my grandma; not really my style, but I had the diamond made into a solitaire pendant and used the gold in the ring to offset the cost slightly. The diamond isn’t huge (around 1/3 carat at a guess - maybe slightly smaller) but it looks perfect bezel-set in gold and worn on a thin, gold chain. I wear it every day and layer it with others when I go out. Could you do something like this?

Tell him, and tell him now while it's all pie in the sky.

You'll be wearing it every day, so of course you want it to be your style. Tell him you'd rather something to symbolise your marriage than his parents', and that it's too much responsibility to have such an important heirloom.