Do I post the letter?

ThelittleBee · 2024-08-08T12:49:36+00:00

My step mother has fallen out with her entire family by starting a relationship with my dad's (her then husbands) friend soon after he passed away. He was still married and living with his wife and children. This caused a huge rift as not only were the family still grieving from his loss a few months prior, but no one wanted any part in destroying another family. This was three years ago and today we found out that she has went ahead and married the man as he has had a recent terminal diagnosis and is now also very close to death. So close they married at the hospice. I felt nothing but empathy for her until his daughter got in touch with me and asked for my help contacting her as she is refusing to let his children see him and make thing right before he passes. I felt strongly that she is repeating the same thing she did to me by denying anyone else the right to grieve and once again is seeing this man as only her husband and like he was nothing to anyone else besides her. I wrote a letter to her today, at first just to vent and get things off my chest, but now I am considering sending it to her. There is already chatter about how she wanted to make sure she has financial security over his assets but that is speculation and I do feel for her despite the past. The letter explains that I wish she would acknowledge that these men are and were peoples fathers, friends, and loved by people other then herself. I did express my hurt and shock, but also explained that I want to be someone who moves with kindness and compassion. Do I send the letter? I feel she needs to be told that she cant control someone else's relationships but I also feel its not my place? (Note she had been in my life for 25 years before my father passed and this all kicked off) I am the only person who can say this to her as all the others don't want anything to do with it/ her.

Notamum12345577 · 13/08/2024 22:12

daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 14:52

I'm sorry to say it this way, but death has an awful habit of surfacing the most dreadful behaviour.

you SM is controlling who can and can't see her dying husband. ok not great, he's your father - but if you haven't been in contact with either of them for years, you have no way of knowing her side of the story nor her motivations to take the actions she is.

and you're now coming back into the picture just to rub it in how kind and generous you're being to her, even though she wasn't to you, for your own selfish reasons to make yourself look and good, but to whom? Telling her she "deserves" compassion isn't your place to do.

it all sounds messy and misguided - sending a letter of any description is adding fuel to the fire. The most you should be sending you SM is a card in due course with the brief message of condolence.

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Eh?! Did you read the OPs first post and update?!

Despair1 · 08/08/2024 20:22

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 14:05

Although I was honest in the letter about how I have been hurt by her in the past, I did very much try to use empathy and compassion as the key undertones for the letter. I just want her to know that although our relationship wont be saved, she has the chance to allow people to have their goodbye and that she too can find comfort in knowing she did the best by her (new) husband in his time of need. I also gave her address to his daughter for her to try in person as I do believe its a cruel thing to deny a father and daughter.

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You sound incredibly kind and caring OP. The contents of the described letter sound like you have carefully chosen the 'right' words. Something tells me that you might regret not sending the letter. Take care

deeahgwitch · 08/08/2024 20:10

Your stepmother sounds like a right piece of work. Was she involved in the break up of your parent's marriage too ?

Polyp0 · 08/08/2024 17:45

She won't think you're being compassionate, she will think you're being smug and condescending.

Miffylou · 08/08/2024 17:36

It sounds as if your letter is trying to combine two different things: your feelings about what happened to you in the past and your plea on behalf of the other "children". I think the second of those things would have more chance of success if you weren’t simultaneously trying to get your feelings about your own situation off your chest.

Could you not just say something like "I know we have had our differences but…" and talk about the desperation of the other "children" who have had a relationship with their father for x years, and how sad it would be for everyone for it to end like this.

If you really feel the need to get your own feelings across to her, you can always do that at some point in the future, when it won’t matter so much if she feels angered or alienated by them.

daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 17:17

Knittedfairies2 · 08/08/2024 16:36

I think it's probably been quite cathartic for you to write the letter, but I wouldn't send it; you know it won't change anything. This man's children need to fight their own battles.

I've written many a letter that I've torn up and thrown away. A very useful technique!

daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 17:15

CosmicDaisyChain · 08/08/2024 15:21

His children wrote to OP in desperation. Their father's wife did the same with OPs father.

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I think this subject is likely to divide opinion and there is probably no single right answer.

its easy to get embroiled when family members "write in desperation".

Im just not a fan of intervening during a period of intense emotion, and certainly not when the OP says they want to send the letter to make themselves look good. I'm not saying it makes them a bad person, who am I to judge, I'm just giving my honest opinion that on this one, the optics don't look good. But others may disagree.

And also I avoid confrontation and intervening (aka getting sucked into) family matters having personally had my fingers burned so it has been a learning for me ever since (along the lines of "never let a good deed go unpunished"!)

Knittedfairies2 · 08/08/2024 16:36

I think it's probably been quite cathartic for you to write the letter, but I wouldn't send it; you know it won't change anything. This man's children need to fight their own battles.

CosmicDaisyChain · 08/08/2024 16:26

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:56

I think that sending her a letter that is JUST full of sympathy would have been disingenuous, however I do in still care about her. She was family to me before my fathers death and we had a great relationship. I cant scrub away the hurt. But I think that being one of the few people who tried my hardest to support her, even at the cost of my own mental health, I should still be able to feel sorry and wish her well whilst still being able to be hurt? And surely I am allowed to be honest without needing to be nasty

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You're a far better person than me x

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/08/2024 16:23

Write it by all means. But if she is as bad as you imply, sending it to her wont make any difference and she may even get a kick out of it.

Original poster

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 16:19

godmum56 · 08/08/2024 16:12

but you haven't mentioned that you have expressed any sympathy. I am not judging you or saying what you should do, but I repeat, from what you have said you haven't shown her any empathy and compassion. Its fine not to but I think you are perhaps not being honest with yourself?

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Perhaps I am not. I just wanted to express that although the past has happened, they deserve to have peace and so do his kids

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tattygrl · 08/08/2024 16:13

It's unfathomable to me that a person could stop someone's children seeing them before they die. Unconscionable. I'd be going round with them and staying on the doorstep until she let them in.

godmum56 · 08/08/2024 16:12

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:56

I think that sending her a letter that is JUST full of sympathy would have been disingenuous, however I do in still care about her. She was family to me before my fathers death and we had a great relationship. I cant scrub away the hurt. But I think that being one of the few people who tried my hardest to support her, even at the cost of my own mental health, I should still be able to feel sorry and wish her well whilst still being able to be hurt? And surely I am allowed to be honest without needing to be nasty

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but you haven't mentioned that you have expressed any sympathy. I am not judging you or saying what you should do, but I repeat, from what you have said you haven't shown her any empathy and compassion. Its fine not to but I think you are perhaps not being honest with yourself?

VJBR · 08/08/2024 16:07

I don't know why you are bothering. She sounds a right old witch and I very much doubt your well meaning letter will make a jot of difference.

Original poster

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:56

godmum56 · 08/08/2024 15:46

Honestly from what you have said, I don't think your letter is about showing her compassion. Is about saying you will never have a relationship with her and what she should do for his family. Not saying your feelings are right or wrong but I don't see empathy or compassion FOR HER in what you have said.

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I think that sending her a letter that is JUST full of sympathy would have been disingenuous, however I do in still care about her. She was family to me before my fathers death and we had a great relationship. I cant scrub away the hurt. But I think that being one of the few people who tried my hardest to support her, even at the cost of my own mental health, I should still be able to feel sorry and wish her well whilst still being able to be hurt? And surely I am allowed to be honest without needing to be nasty

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godmum56 · 08/08/2024 15:46

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 14:10

I don't. I suppose in my own selfish way its an opportunity for me to give her the compassion I never received and be able to walk away with my head high hoping my dad would have been proud of my kindness/ attempt to help make things right

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Honestly from what you have said, I don't think your letter is about showing her compassion. Is about saying you will never have a relationship with her and what she should do for his family. Not saying your feelings are right or wrong but I don't see empathy or compassion FOR HER in what you have said.

Original poster

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:37

MzHz · 08/08/2024 15:30

leave the letter, your ex SM wont care and it wont help anyone,not even you.

The kids of this man need to go round to her home and see their dad. whether she likes it or not. Is he never alone in the house?

No she is on bereavement leave so I have heard and he is residing with her since divorcing his wife. He is too sick to use his phone and is receiving in-house palliative care from the hospice nurses. She has refused them directly on multiple requests claiming that it will disturb him and that he doesn't need that right now but as a nurse myself, I can tell you 100% that no patient who was passing that I have ever treated or heard of anyone else treating has not wanted to right the wrongs with their closest family so close to death. Even if he cant have a deep conversation with her, I'm sure having his kids even briefly by his side will make him pass so much more comfortably. I do not believe for a second that he can raise children for 30 years and decide in the last two that they now mean nothing to him, He still wanted a relationship with them even when they were angry about the affair.

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MzHz · 08/08/2024 15:30

leave the letter, your ex SM wont care and it wont help anyone,not even you.

The kids of this man need to go round to her home and see their dad. whether she likes it or not. Is he never alone in the house?

Original poster

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:30

tattygrl · 08/08/2024 15:27

I'd be focusing my energies more on talking to the children of this man and encouraging them to just go. The worst that can happen is that they're refused entry (and I appreciate that would be painful). They need to try, and I'd be strongly urging them to do that.

I have told them that they are better to turn up and try. At the very least she denies them entry they can walk away knowing they did everything they could for him, as shit as it would be.

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tattygrl · 08/08/2024 15:27

I'd be focusing my energies more on talking to the children of this man and encouraging them to just go. The worst that can happen is that they're refused entry (and I appreciate that would be painful). They need to try, and I'd be strongly urging them to do that.

CosmicDaisyChain · 08/08/2024 15:21

daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 14:58

So even more odd why you feel the need to be involved in your SM's decisions to the extent of writing to her. I just don't get the motivation to do it, other than you needing to appear magnanimous. To what end?

His children wrote to OP in desperation. Their father's wife did the same with OPs father.

Original poster

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:16

daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 15:14

So why do you need to ask whether to send a letter to her or not, if she has been a key part of your life for all those years. You know her far better than we do.

It sounds like you know your own mind so work with that reality. Just don't do it just to "look good" otherwise that isn't being authentic

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I think you need to take a minute. This post may have hit a nerve? I am simply looking for a sounding board and a place to reflect. Thanks for the response though

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daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 15:14

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:05

I think its because up until two years ago (before this relationship was official and he was divorced) she was a huge part of my life for 25 years? I don't think its that odd to want to reach out to someone who was involved in a huge chunk of your life when major life events happen? She messaged me last year when she still had social media to say her mother had passed away and I sent my brief condolences then. She's not some stranger who was married briefly to my dad they were together for a long time and she was in my life from 7 years old

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So why do you need to ask whether to send a letter to her or not, if she has been a key part of your life for all those years. You know her far better than we do.

It sounds like you know your own mind so work with that reality. Just don't do it just to "look good" otherwise that isn't being authentic

LaurieFairyCake · 08/08/2024 15:09

Do not do what I would do

I would go round mobbed up with my siblings and put her in another room - and let his children see him

What the fuck can she do about that. Not very much apart from call the police - and very little would happen

Original poster

ThelittleBee · 08/08/2024 15:05

daisychain01 · 08/08/2024 14:58

So even more odd why you feel the need to be involved in your SM's decisions to the extent of writing to her. I just don't get the motivation to do it, other than you needing to appear magnanimous. To what end?

I think its because up until two years ago (before this relationship was official and he was divorced) she was a huge part of my life for 25 years? I don't think its that odd to want to reach out to someone who was involved in a huge chunk of your life when major life events happen? She messaged me last year when she still had social media to say her mother had passed away and I sent my brief condolences then. She's not some stranger who was married briefly to my dad they were together for a long time and she was in my life from 7 years old

OP posts: