Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gifting money to DC

216 replies

CiderWithRosy · 08/08/2024 13:22

We have 5 DC. Ages 28,24,18,16, 9. MIL has gifted the 2 eldest DC 25 grand each. She says the younger 3 DC will be 'sorted out' when she dies (although there is no guarantee of inheritance because money may be needed for care and as far as I know, she has not set out gifting the younger 3 specifically in her will anyway).
One of the elder DC has used his money on a deposit for a flat (which is great). The other older DC is living at her boyfriends house and has no intention to buy.
I'm FULLY aware that it is MIL's money to do as she chooses, however there is a part of me that feels uncomfortable with the arrangement. I'm prepared to get flamed but am I unreasonable to think that MIL deciding to gift the two eldest a little unfair on the younger three?

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 08/08/2024 14:00

So our solution after the driving lesson money was to speak to our eldest. He agreed it was unfair on his siblings and we divided it 4 ways equally between all four children's savings accounts. DM doesn't know this but its the fairest way🤷‍♀️

IThinkAdversePossessionApplies · 08/08/2024 14:00

Grapesichord · 08/08/2024 13:40

If she gave £50 thou to charity would you feel better OP.
I think you sound grabby

"Grabby" is expecting your MIL to give your kids £50k.

If your MIL offers to give your kids £50k, it's not grabby to ask that it's distributed fairly Hmm

GoldenLegend · 08/08/2024 13:59

A relative left me £60. I think of him kindly nearly every day.

Izzymoon · 08/08/2024 13:58

IThinkAdversePossessionApplies · 08/08/2024 13:55

These replies are, quite frankly, batshit. How many threads do you see where grandparents treat their grandkids differently and everyone agrees that they are being unreasonable. Yet here, two of the OP's children have been handed FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS and the other three have received nothing, and people are saying OP should make up the difference herself??? Confused I've read it all now...

The grandparent has already said she will plan provisions for the other grandchildren. She didn’t say 2 were getting and 3 weren’t.

Vettrianofan · 08/08/2024 13:58

Just had a similar scenario with my own DM and my 4DC. She gave DC1 driving lesson money (one lesson) and didn't give anything to the three youngest.

DH really wasn't happy. I understand why you are not comfortable about the arrangement from your MIL.

All should be treated equally.

GasPanic · 08/08/2024 13:57

PurpleDiva22 · 08/08/2024 13:53

@GasPanic her children are adults. If I was giving a generous gift of 25K to 2 adults, and their mother tried to tell me what to do with my own money, I'd probably just keep the lot and stuff everyone!

It's not a matter of "telling her what to do".

It's a matter of making a polite suggestion without putting on any pressure and maybe let her think about some things she hasn't maybe fully thought through.

IThinkAdversePossessionApplies · 08/08/2024 13:56

GasPanic · 08/08/2024 13:48

The time to ask about this IMO would have been before the gifts were made.

ie. Thanks MIL, but have you considered dividing the 50K between all 5 children, 10K each so they all have an equal amount ? We can make sure that they only have access when they are X years old.

She may have her reasons for rejecting it, but at least at that point you are not looking to get "even more" money, just share out what was provided more equally.

This is a much fairer way of doing things. And if circumstances allow later, nothing to stop the GP making further gifts.

Original poster
CiderWithRosy · 08/08/2024 13:56

Izzymoon · 08/08/2024 13:51

I think you’re being unreasonable. As a GM she wants the money to be useful to their adult life, demanding that’s things are equal between a 28 year old and a 9 year old at the same time is stupid!
This has enabled your oldest to buy a home, surely you should be grateful of that?

Yes I see what you mean Izzy but to be honest I'm probably thinking more of my 18 year old who is currently working full time and saving for a deposit herself.

OP posts:
IThinkAdversePossessionApplies · 08/08/2024 13:55

These replies are, quite frankly, batshit. How many threads do you see where grandparents treat their grandkids differently and everyone agrees that they are being unreasonable. Yet here, two of the OP's children have been handed FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS and the other three have received nothing, and people are saying OP should make up the difference herself??? Confused I've read it all now...

PurpleDiva22 · 08/08/2024 13:53

@GasPanic her children are adults. If I was giving a generous gift of 25K to 2 adults, and their mother tried to tell me what to do with my own money, I'd probably just keep the lot and stuff everyone!

Izzymoon · 08/08/2024 13:51

I think you’re being unreasonable. As a GM she wants the money to be useful to their adult life, demanding that’s things are equal between a 28 year old and a 9 year old at the same time is stupid!
This has enabled your oldest to buy a home, surely you should be grateful of that?

Drogdab · 08/08/2024 13:49

@GasPanic thats what I would have done.

GasPanic · 08/08/2024 13:48

The time to ask about this IMO would have been before the gifts were made.

ie. Thanks MIL, but have you considered dividing the 50K between all 5 children, 10K each so they all have an equal amount ? We can make sure that they only have access when they are X years old.

She may have her reasons for rejecting it, but at least at that point you are not looking to get "even more" money, just share out what was provided more equally.

KnottyKnitting · 08/08/2024 13:47

Sorry I wasn't clear- the person who gave the gift needs to live for 7 years after it is given or inheritance tax would be applied

KnottyKnitting · 08/08/2024 13:45

They will need to be aware of inhetance tax. Gifts of this amount are only exempt after 7 years so your DCs need to be aware of this.

qotsa · 08/08/2024 13:44

It's an entirely different situation when it's grown adults who have all got different situations and finances. But when they are all either children or at the start of their adult life I feel it should also be an equal amount. Or none. Whichever. Not at all wanting any money, just for it to be fair. There is also often no guarantee of money being left. With care homes and things you never know.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 08/08/2024 13:43

Are all children full bio siblings?

Grapesichord · 08/08/2024 13:43

I agree @SuzieGlass
Thank you would be a good start

VickyEadieofThigh · 08/08/2024 13:43

Grapesichord · 08/08/2024 13:25

I think she is so generous, particularly if she plans to also gift the other three in her will. The authorities cannot use all her savings for care. There will be some left over to leave to dependents

They currently leave about £13k, I think - supposedly to pay funeral expenses.

Drogdab · 08/08/2024 13:43

being a decent human being with integrity and values.

😆😆😆

SuzieGlass · 08/08/2024 13:42

You have a strange way of saying “thanks MIL”.

Drogdab · 08/08/2024 13:42

I can see the unfairness but MNs is weird about inheritance & family relationships

Undisclosedlocation · 08/08/2024 13:42

Shes has said she intends to leave the others money later, so you have zero reason as yet to think anything is unfair.
Whether she has or has not got funds set aside for this and whether her circumstances change are irrelevant imo - her INTENTION is to be fair over a period of time by the sounds of it, plus the younger ones are not at an age where I would personally want them to have a large windfall (an 18 year old is often not capable of using it wisely) and in her position I would want to help the older ones when they needed it and the others later on.

Cinnamonginger · 08/08/2024 13:41

PurpleDiva22 · 08/08/2024 13:38

I agree wholeheartedly with @Cinnamonginger ! I hate this attitude of "well 3 of my kids didn't get anything" as opposed to "isn't it amazing 2 of my kids got this sum of money to help them". And anyway.... she has said the others will get left something in her will. Isn't that enough?

I will admit, I've never agreed with the Mumsnet narrative that all inheritance must be split equally. And I say that as a daughter who's parents are giving their other children more than they are giving me!

thank you.

and there I was being insulted for absolutely no reason other than being a decent human being with integrity and values.

qotsa · 08/08/2024 13:41

Was just thinking the same thing @StormingNorman

Oooo. Yes. Hold on. There's £75k for you three....
Some people asking why are you upset....😯 I'd rather all have nothing, or all have less. They could've all had £10k each, either put aside, or straight away depending on age.