MIL gifting money to DC

It’s not your business. Her money = her choices.🤷‍♀️

How on earth is op sounding grabby?

She isn't getting anything herself!

And she sounds as if she would prefer none of her kids get anything at the moment rather than wanting to get more!

I wouldnt be happy. If Mil had ensured that there would be £25k each for the other 3 absolutely guaranteed and they would also get it when they were in their mid twenties, fair enough, that would be a lovely gesture.

But there are millions of examples where a relative gives x amount of money to one person and then promises another they will balance it out....then they need to go into a home or pay for medical treatment or have a financial loss and suddenly there's nothing left.

The child able to buy a flat in their mid twenties will have a huge leg up in life compared to their younger siblings. Having essentially a free depositi could literally save them hundreds of thousands over the course of their life which could lead to them being able to afford children or not, impact their mental health due to having stable housing, allow them to retire early.....

Not to mention the emotional impact of a family member giving your siblings life changing amounts of money and nothing to you....

Your MIL probably intends to give equivalent gifts to your younger children when they have reached what she feels is an appropriate age. Of course there is a risk that she might not then be able to spare the money, but that is hardly a complete reason for her to deny her generous instincts now. Or she might come across this thread and think 'sod the whole ungrateful lot of them, I'll spend my money on a timeshare in Spain'.

Does it really matter? It is up to grandma how she dishes out her money, she could go and spend it all on holidays.

she must have decided just the elder two for now. Maybe the elder two have a better relationship with her.

A dear former colleague of mine gave a third of her estate to charity and the rest divided equally between her adult children. She was worn down by the constant digs about one having no kids and the other two having two each, and then the requests for gifting to minimise tax etc She got the charity to help her write the will and they were super speedy when collecting their share of the estate - house was on the market quick as a flash.

do not nag her @poppymango it is for her to decide not you

She said she'll sort the other 3 out
So what's your problem.

From the limited information available, I'd surmise that being a controlling joyless obsessive is what's wrong with him.

Then surely they would get their driving lesson at 17.

Your way isn’t ‘fair’. It’s completely the opposite!

Absolute twaddle.

Will you make a higher earning child share his money with a younger lower earning sibling.

You’re giving your kids a very unrealistic view of the world.

... or were your 5 children's existence linked to financial help from mil to all 5?

Dear god, @Cinnamonginger 🤦🏻‍♀️

I really miss the time when MN wasn't full of bizarre and nasty comments like this.

I'd rather my MIL gave both my kids a tenner each than gift my eldest that kind of money with only a vague sort of plan to do the the same for my youngest one day.
Yes, her money, can't dictate, her choice blah blah... But still, if it's my child who is at risk of watching his sibling be set up by their grandmother while he's left with nothing, I will be having an overall negative opinion of the situation.
Nothing is guaranteed. Split it all now or split it all in the will.

This is ridiculous. Now eldest won't get his driving lesson. Why can't you get DC get a lesson when they reach 17?

If she's already given the £25k to 2 DC it's too late for that. OP should have suggested this at the time she mentioned giving money to the oldest 2 DC.

It's very generous of her to gift your 2 eldest 2 DC money for deposit. She's told you the younger DC will be sorted on her death. They are rather young to be given large sums of money now anyway.

I do see your concern as you are anxious all your children are treated the same. Don't see what exactly you can do about this though. Apart from agreeing to match her gifts with your own savings or money. And of course you may not have the funds to do this.

I reckon the elder two are the OP's stepchildren and that is why she's particularly annoyed that her 18yo is not being given money right now.

I'd be pissed off too Op. The 18 year could move out soon. I'd be annoyed if I was them and they'd have help and I didn't. It's not being grabby, it would make me feel I'm not liked as much as them. If she'd have given them all the same amount and the youngest ones had it in a savings account they couldn't touch, I'd be happy with that. Ignore the people who say you're being grabby. It's not about that.

I think if you speak to people who have been through grandparents and financial planning and bequests. Sometimes they can be all over the place.
They think they are doing the right thing - GM is probably noting the headlines and thinking she should provide immediate help for the two eldest DC, and then her will can then take care of the other three.
I would say overall her motives are kind and generous and I’d go with that.
A lot of us have been around situations like this, where the person genuinely thinks they are doing the right thing.
My late FIL decided while he was poorly (but mentally fine) to use thousands in cash to buy loads of those gold coins you see advertised on TV. Didn’t say anything but when he was ill and highly medicated kept telling DH - keep your money in gold.
We had no clue until we found them after he passed away. To be quite frank, the family would have been better off with the cash! But in his own way he was trying to do his best.
Can you think of it this way - with two sorted for deposits you can help the other three?
As long as she loves you all, if you can, accept her kindness as it stands.

Tell him he a twat an your son is absolutely not handing over his money.

I felt he overreacted about it, tbh. But what do you do about it?? Trying to keep everyone happy and I was caught in the middle.

Unfair, imo. Smaller gifts to all 5 would have been nicer, although yes, it’s her money and she can do what she wants with it BUT isn’t she concerned about the authorities asking where that cash went if she needs to go into paid for care? I don’t know enough about the 7 year rule to talk about that.

Yes, if she's still living. If she's not still living, they may get something then. It's not MIL fault that only two of her grandchildren in this one family are of house-buying age. If all her money has been spent on her care needs by the time the others reach 25, then that's also not MIL's fault. It's just the way it is. Because that's the thing about money, no one is entitled to anyone else's.

From 1 marrige?
Are they all your children?

As a grandmother of 4, I have sorted my will, leaving amounts of money to all my grandchildren as well as their parents. I would be absolutely livid if their parents then talked the grandchildren out of keeping all the money I left them, or tried to get me to change my mind and apportion it differently from what I planned. It’s MY money and I shall give it to whom ever I want!

JFC that's some bullshit.
It's forty bloody pounds. What's wrong with him?!