Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my brother in law to move closer

92 replies

Skywalker2018 · 08/08/2024 08:33

We used to live close by to my brother in law when the children were little. He lived on his own so I would invite him round for dinner a few times a week as well as on days out. As such, he became very close to my children and they adored him. My partner and I enjoyed him spending time with is too.
We then decided to move away. My brother in law would still visit but as its a long drive, this would be once every couple of months. Over the years, I noticed that he would only talk to the children when he came. I also picked up on some resentment towards me. I asked him about it but he's very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.
Fast forward a few years and the children are now teenagers. My brother in law has said he is moving closer to us, mainly to spend time with the children before they leave home. I know he is lonely but I really don't want him to move closer. I tolerate his visits as I know the children enjoy his company but I really don't. Hes can be quite rude to me or just freezes me out. I think my partner feels the same as I do but doesn't want to say anything as it's his brother and he's worried he's a bit depressed. If he moves closer, I feel he'll be round or the time. If we dont allow him round, he'll be spending lots of time on his own. At least where he is at the moment he has options of visiting his friend and other family. AIBU to not want him to come?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 08/08/2024 10:40

You can't stop him moving where he wants.

You don't have to invite him round though, and if your dh does you can be out.

Talk to your dh about it.

If your kids are teens it's very unlikely they will want to spend a lot of time with him. Teens want you to spend time with their friends or game, not with uncles.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/08/2024 10:36

You say your BIL is rude to you, is he the same with his DB? I just wonder if for some reason he blames you for moving away so that he didn,'t see your DC as much. I'd get you DH to speak to him and find out

Original poster
Skywalker2018 · 08/08/2024 10:09

Sunsetbeachhouse · 08/08/2024 09:53

I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.

Can we stop diagnosing ppl with autism. We are not doctors we are not specilaists and I'm sure we don't have access to someone's full history. It's becoming so normal now to decide we suspect someone is autistic with no real understanding of what autism actually is. Its becoming such a throw away comment on mumsnet and it's not helpful in raising awareness for the condition.

Show quote history

I wasn't diagnosing- I was suspecting. I have worked in a SEN school so I do have experience in this field. I also do have access to his history as I've known him for over 20 years. I shouldn't have said mild- I should have said high functioning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skywalker2018 · 08/08/2024 09:53

Thanks everyone for responses. I agree the kids are busier and have their own lives. It won't be like it was when they were little which was a relationship I facilitated. The house he is planning to buy is a 5 minute walk away so they'll probably pop round themselves. I know this could be nice for them but I just feel worried I won't see them as much. And that he'll be undermining me. He's not good at respecting boundaries and as he's never had his own kids, he really doesn't get the united front concept. I don't know how much I can do though as they are entitled to see him as much as they want.

OP posts:
Sunsetbeachhouse · 08/08/2024 09:53

Skywalker2018 · 08/08/2024 08:33

We used to live close by to my brother in law when the children were little. He lived on his own so I would invite him round for dinner a few times a week as well as on days out. As such, he became very close to my children and they adored him. My partner and I enjoyed him spending time with is too.
We then decided to move away. My brother in law would still visit but as its a long drive, this would be once every couple of months. Over the years, I noticed that he would only talk to the children when he came. I also picked up on some resentment towards me. I asked him about it but he's very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.
Fast forward a few years and the children are now teenagers. My brother in law has said he is moving closer to us, mainly to spend time with the children before they leave home. I know he is lonely but I really don't want him to move closer. I tolerate his visits as I know the children enjoy his company but I really don't. Hes can be quite rude to me or just freezes me out. I think my partner feels the same as I do but doesn't want to say anything as it's his brother and he's worried he's a bit depressed. If he moves closer, I feel he'll be round or the time. If we dont allow him round, he'll be spending lots of time on his own. At least where he is at the moment he has options of visiting his friend and other family. AIBU to not want him to come?

I suspect he might have mild autism as he struggles a lot with dealing with emotions.

Can we stop diagnosing ppl with autism. We are not doctors we are not specilaists and I'm sure we don't have access to someone's full history. It's becoming so normal now to decide we suspect someone is autistic with no real understanding of what autism actually is. Its becoming such a throw away comment on mumsnet and it's not helpful in raising awareness for the condition.

GabriellaMontez · 08/08/2024 09:48

Agree with PP. But I dont think think you need to be subtle. Openly, clearly let him know that you all have busy lives and he may not see much of you.

And talk to your partner! Share your concerns. Perhaps he feels the same

JMSA · 08/08/2024 09:44

No danger would my teens be wanting to spend a large amount of time with an uncle, no matter how lovely with them.
I'm their mother and I can hardly get them to do anything with me Grin
Their friends are what matters at that age.

saraclara · 08/08/2024 09:41

Your DH could, subtly, point out your DC are very busy with their social life, activities and School work and how the rest of his family might not see him so much.

That is the only fair and reasonable response. Anyone moving to spend more time with teenaged relatives, is probably on a hiding to nothing. They have their own lives, and often their own parents don't get to spend much time with them. I'd explain that to him.

Cm19841 · 08/08/2024 09:38

I would introduce a conversation about "moving house and in the process of looking". The kids are getting older and you're looking for alternatives for the next stage of your "married life together". This will deter him moving.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/08/2024 09:27

You can’t stop anyone living anywhere. You don’t have to invite him round though.

If he’s rude to you and only seems to talk to the kids-point that out to him and suggest that he invites them to his house for dinner instead. DH can take them if he wants.

Goldcushions2 · 08/08/2024 09:22

I would tell your husband that
A. You will not be entertaining him regularly.
B. He can see HIS brother at HIS home.
C. Your husband needs to spell out that the children are busy and will not be hugely available.
D. You are done with his rudeness and will NOT be tolerating it in your home.
E. He is not coming for meals etc.

Let there be a falling out.
If he is moving close to you, far from others, your husband needs to spell things out.

I appreciate above is the nuclear option, but better to spell it out clearly to your husband to communicate to his brother, than be asked why you never said how you felt earlier.

Mosaic123 · 08/08/2024 09:20

Difficult to stop him moving closer.
Your DH could, subtly, point out your DC are very busy with their social life, activities and School work and how the rest of his family might not see him so much.

Or he might have to spell it out to him.

I can't see what else you can do. But leave it to your DH to talk to him.

Soñando25 · 08/08/2024 09:18

This really is quite difficult. I feel sorry for your BIL as he sounds like a loner and I can see why he's want to move closer to you all, but equally can see that it might change the dynamic of your family if he does so.
As someone has said, he's an adult and can live wherever he chooses, but if he does move nearer to you, I'd ask your husband to have a word with his brother about the expectations of all parties. Definitely try to challenge any rudeness as well, that's not acceptable.

BrigadierEtienneGerard · 08/08/2024 09:15

In my experience OP, people who actually want their BILs/SILs to move closer are a very, very rare breed indeed.

Original poster
Skywalker2018 · 08/08/2024 09:01

It's difficult as his snide remarks or rude behaviour is quite subtle. For example, if we were all having a conversation and I say something, as soon as I finish, he'd turn to one of the kids and say 'Sorry, what were you saying?' As if I was rudely interrupting. It's weird and hard to explain but it's like he's trying to make me feel like a spare part. I suppose I should address it at the time but because he's normally only visiting for a weekend, I let it go. If he moves here, I'd have to say something.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 08/08/2024 08:41

You don’t have to tolerate rudeness in your home though. Tell him to mind his manners and speak to you with respect or go home.

Autel · 08/08/2024 08:37

You can’t stop a grown adult deciding where he wants to live, though. Your feelings are your feelings, obviously, and you’re entitled not to like him.

I’d be pretty surprised if teenagers really wanted to spend a lot of time with their uncle, so much that it merited him moving a long distance to be geographically closer.

Swipe left for the next trending thread