To not want my brother in law to move closer

I’d have safety chains installed on your front and back doors, just in case he somehow gets hold of a key. Just to make it clear that wandering in isn’t happening.

@Skywalker2018

What @Goldcushions2 has said, basically, and it needs saying NOW before his brother makes any serious steps towards moving.

would the teens be happy to train it to his to visit in the holidays?

I understand how you feel. My SIL is incredibly rude like that, she lives in NZ and that's too close & one of the reasons I'm not moving back there in a hurry.

Be firm at the start. A) no key. B) no weekly invites at all. C) no spontaneous visits. Just: no. High days and holidays. He and dh can meet outside of the house. He can invite the children to do things. But you are not playing hostess to him.

Honestly the only thing they can gain from this uncle is an inheritance, which is actually quite useful. Other than that, he is rude to their mother, that’s not acceptable.

@coldcallerbaiter Yes, that’s why I wondered how he’ll react towards her teenagers having their own partners and adult lives. It sounds as if he has trouble coping with family members maturing and creating their own lives.

you can’t control what he does but you (really your DH) can reset what you do.

Starters for 10
I would not let him have a set of keys to your house at all…under any circumstances
it’s a total overstep

if you need a spare set for emergencies either a neighbour or a secure box in a non obtrusive spot

Anyone who was visibly rude to me would get the cold shoulder from my teen/adult dc. He sounds like an idiot. He is probably ashamed that he is a loser in the adult world and so can only converse with the dc as that is simple. But they are not dc anymore and have outgrown him now.

Does he work from home?

Are his parents still alive?

No key!!

I would what he’ll be like towards your children’s future partners, given that he’s so strange towards you? It won’t be long given that they’re teenagers.

I still find it weird. An uncle specifically moving to be closer to their teen nieces and nephews. Never heard of it.

This.

The first time he is rude, stand up and ask him to leave IMMEDIATELY.
That you will not be spoken to or treated rudely in YOUR home.
Tell your husband that you will do this, and that you expect him to support you 100% in this.
I doubt your teens will have time or interest in spending lots of time with him, so it is most likely you and your husband who are going to be landed with him.
You need to brutally spell it out to your husband.
The softly softly approach will not work here.
This is on him to manage and sort out.

Your going to have to get your DH on side to make this work Op. You can say no key, no coming uninvited until you're blue in the face but if your DH doesn't agree it will happen anyway. Your BIL won't take hints so it's going to have to be straight talking. You had a third person in your marriage before, don't let it happen again

As pretty much everyone has said, you can’t stop him moving where he wants.
But you can absolutely change the way respond, and set up boundaries from the outset.

Set out expectations from the start.
Remind him children are older now and doing their own thing, with friends their own age.
No key.
No just dropping in at a moment’s notice.
Don’t let him in if he just turns up - tell him you are busy / about to go out / children aren’t home / it’s not convenient
If he does come round (when agreed beforehand / invited) and is subtly rude, pull him up on this. ‘That’s a bit rude, BiL’
Your DH really should take the lead on all this. I get that he doesn’t like having these sort of conversations- frankly, who does - but it’s part of bring a grown up!

Maybe invite him for Sunday roast or something once a month. Gives him a bit of structure and not too uncomfortable for you? Can DH meet up with him once a month out of the house - with the kids if they want join in?

You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your home, so it’s ok to say no, to not acquiesce to him every time.

I would say put up with him. Having an adult who gives a damn about your children is not insignificant. Let him connect with the kids while you just get on with your routine/plans.

Oh, what a tricky situation, OP. I agree with earlier advice-no spare key and your DH needs to set boundaries. I can’t imagine that your teenagers will spend excessive amounts of time with him, they have their own activities and friends.

All good points @Fraaahnces

You could tell him that as you're thinking of moving, perhaps he would be better off staying where he is?

You make sure that he doesn’t get your key. Before BIL moves, tell DH there will be consequences if BIL is given a key - ever. As far as he needs to know, your spare is with a trusted neighbour. I would also make plans for a Christmas trip with just your kids and DH. I would also speak to DH about enforcing basic manners if this man thinks he is going to enjoy your hospitality.

Clear boundaries & locks on your door @Skywalker2018 & I'd honestly look to move.

I was wondering the same?! I'd move if he really does / has moved that close!

@Skywalker2018 How are things Skywalker? I hope you have been able to dissuade him from moving so close.

I'd feel the same as you, not sure other than the chain on the door there is much you can do. Your DH should be the one to make boundaries with his brother.

oh my goodness, we have the most amazing unobrtrusive, youthful uncle. He lives away and never wanted to be close to us. But I don't do meet ups with friends or have social friends for that matter, so for me would be nice someone to come round, if he was good as my BIL of course. I don't do patience with shite given me , not even for a minute.